RaidDolEm78 Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 I haven't been on this site in quite awhile. Finally got over the relationship which originally brought me to this site. I was single for about two year,worked on myself,went back to college and finally graduated, and made many positive changes in my life. I got a better job and have had quite a few promotions in the two years that I have been there. Plus,made some new friends. My life has definitely changed for the better since and people that have been in my life have noticed all of the positive changes I have done on my own. I definitely became a stronger person during this time. I became especially close with this one woman at my new job. Eventually, she introduced me to her social circle and everyone accepted me almost immediately. It's a great group of people and I truly enjoy spending time with them. At this point in my life,I'm still not dating yet,but definitely becoming more interested in starting to date. I guess becoming more sociable was helping me with that. Fastforward almost a year and a half (this past October ),things are great in my life....job is good,friends are great,I starting having fun with dating,etc. One night,one of the guys in our group walked me to my car when I was leaving. We had a long conversation about everything and nothing that night and ended up exchanging a very passionate kiss. And since that night,it has gotten even more complicated as we have had sex. I've since found out that he is in a long term relationship,where he loves her but is not in love with her,says he has tried to work on the relationship but the passion is completely gone. However, i,of course,have developed strong feelings for him. He says he is confused,doesn't know what he wants,Yada yada... he has stayed away for awhile and ends up stating to hang around with the group again. Then we end up talking again, lather,rinse,repeat. It's a vicious cycle. Almost four weeks ago,I had a very important test coming up for work and he knew this. The night of the test I get a text from him saying he knows I did well on the test and good luck. When I got the results back, I texted him to let him know how I did, and he took more than a day to get back to me. This is when I realized that I was relying too heavily on him to be my support and he couldn't be there for me. I never answered his text and have no intentions to. He needs to come to me when he has made up his mind,I feel. This was two weeks ago. I also haven't been hanging out with the group. I did let a couple people know that I wouldn't be coming around as much. Most of the people in our group already pretty much know something is going on between us. But this has affected the group as well. I'm now starting to question my friendships within the group. And,I miss him. He is definitely someone I could see myself with. He has said repeatedly that if we had met at another time in our life,we would be together. I know he isn't leaving her for me,but he us the one who initiated everything....the kiss,the sex,telling me how he felt. Why do that? Is he generally confused? Is my best bet just to stay away from everyone for now? Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 Definitely stay away from him for now. If that means not meeting with the group, that is unfortunate. Maybe you could get some of the group to meet with you on a different night without him. It seems silly that you can't be friends with them because of him. Unfortunately, you said it best when you said he won't leave her. He is in a long term relationship with someone and cheating on them. Everything you said sounds so similar to how I got involved with a married man. You said this, "He has said repeatedly that if we had met at another time in our life,we would be together. I know he isn't leaving her for me,but he us the one who initiated everything....the kiss,the sex,telling me how he felt. Why do that? Is he generally confused?" This is dead on to what happened when my A started. Boy how I wish I had known then that he would not leave his W. I should have said to him, if you ever get divorced look me up. You need to leave this guy. He is not confused, but he is looking for an opportunity to get what he is missing in his relationship. It his not fair to you and it is not fair to her. Staying involved with him is simply a train wreck waiting to happen and you will end up even more hurt in the end if you continue this relationship. Trust me, it is happening to me right now. I would stay NC with him and if you ever run into him in person and asks, I would let him know that nothing else will happen as long as he is in a relationship with her. Sorry if this puts a damper on your social group. Like I said, would any of them be willing to meet outside of the whole group meeting? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 And,I miss him. He is definitely someone I could see myself with. He has said repeatedly that if we had met at another time in our life,we would be together. I know he isn't leaving her for me,but he us the one who initiated everything....the kiss,the sex,telling me how he felt. Why do that? Is he generally confused? Is my best bet just to stay away from everyone for now? You both are at fault here, you knowingly continued an A with him once you found out he had a partner. Bolded = He isn't ever leaving, that line I've read on here so often. Wishes and hopes and dreams are not reality. If he truly wasn't "in love" with is partner he would end it and be with you. He hasn't done that. Love and respect yourself more by NOT being his side dish even though you have feelings for him. Yes, distance yourself from the group, if they were his friends first then they will stick by his side as time goes on.... And do NC with him, end it and make sure to block him so he can't reach out to you. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 He's not even married..but is happy to stay in a relationship without passion... do you really want such a weak man ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RaidDolEm78 Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 Thank you all for your honest replies. You each bring up valid points,and trust me,I've thought every single thing that has been addressed. Re-reading my post,I wrote it very selfishly and didn't include every detail. Yes,I was at fault too and do not deny this at all. I struggle with this every day,as that was opposite how my last relationship ended and I remember how I felt ,him throwing away what we had for someone new. This is a strong reason for me going NC with him. I feel I must include that in this social group,it's mostly couples. I'm pretty much the only single individual out of all of us. I think a part of this is I see the couples interacting with each other and I miss that. Like I mentioned before,I was dating before our A, nothing serious, however I put dating on the back burner during our A. I think I know what I need to do. The struggle is heart verses head. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 It has taken you a long time recover from one A. Please don't get into another. There probably wasn't anything wrong with your group of friends but now it's become uncomfortable because of you and him. Take a break from them and try some other activities. Keep away from this man . Read back threads if you still have them. Poppy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lobouspo Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 he had his fun with you, and is kicking you to curb. He is in a committed relationship. Why are you surprised by his behavior? Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 You've been socializing with this group for a long time to not know that he's in a relationship! If it's mostly couples mixing together why did his partner never come? ...or do you know her & knew he was taken all the time? You have walked these roads before. You know the destination. You've been on these forums & you know they crippling agony of infidelity...don't you? I understand how some people innocently find themselves in these situations but that's not true here is it? As long as you are living your life without strong boundaries I fear that real happiness will remain elusive. If I were your friend who introduced you to the group I'd be feeling very disappointed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RaidDolEm78 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Share Posted March 6, 2016 It did start off innocently, then yes I'm guilty of continuing things after I found out he was in a relationship. She never comes out with him,he never talks about her or their relationship. Even the male friends didn't know he had a girlfriend until fairly recently....he just doesn't talk about it. Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 I really feel for you RaidDol, but I agree with the other posters. I think you need to walk away and go NC with him, as you have said here and I commend you for saying that. Save yourself and potentially others time and potential hurt. If in the future he is single, approaches you again and you are still interested, that's another story. But right now he's not - protect yourself. Don't allow yourself to be seen as the OW or the potential relationship wrecker. You deserve a man who is committed to you and you alone, don't settle for second best. We're here for you. Post to us, don't be tempted to talk to him. Wishing you all the best. Keep us updated of the situation 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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