Therapy and getting what one wants

[Imajerk17]

ZA, keep in mind that was is said below is intended to help you.

 

Who knows whether "therapy" per se is the answer for you, but I do think one thing that you--and a few other guys who have struggled with women--need is an outside (preferably in-person) perspective--on how you are coming across and on how you are going about meeting women. I notice that there are a few of you who have very rigid, sclerotic, views on The Way Things Are--and you seem unwilling to suspend disbelief that things may be different from that.

 

I can only go by your posts here, but I'm not really seeing what you've been doing to improve your dating life. You've asked out one woman in the past year and she said no. So what. You've improved your fashion (good for you) but are you sure your fashion was even your problem? So your friends can't/won't set you up w anyone. Fine, many other people (including myself) have this issue too otherwise Match and OKCupid wouldn't be things. As far as what you could be doing more: You could approach women yourself OR you could improve your dating profile, for starters.

 

I can also say that when I decided that I needed to get MY dating life handled, I got rejected a lot more than you did. I'd approach a woman and get blown off. I'd go on first dates and not get a second. This sort of thing happened to me A LOT. Man, it did suck, but instead of whining and saying that I can't succeed in dating because women are this, women are that, I took responsibility and I took feedback. Maybe I was coming across too needy or intense. Maybe that joke I always liked to tell was offensive to the women I was trying to charm. Maybe I needed to be more like the women I liked--adventurous and loving life--instead of asking for that in a partner when I really wasn't that way myself. Soon things got a lot better for me.

 

They can for you too, but you have to be open for feedback from the right people.

Edited March 9, 2016 by Imajerk17

[losangelena]

Oh criminy, therapists weren't around in the 1930s because Freud was still alive and working! And, I would strongly argue that an entire generation of people coming down off two world wars could DEFINITELY have benefited from psychotherapy in the 1950s. Unfortunately, mental health care wasn't well understood back then. People were thrown into sanatoriums and forgotten about; depression or anxiety were seen as moral issues; a woman could be given shock treatment or lobotomized if she were deemed "hysterical." I'd say in this area, we've come a long way.

 

Sure, therapy gives no guarantee. It's not a miracle cure, though. A patient must be proactive in his or her recovery. That means actually dealing with the issues that come up during sessions, doing homework, being brutally honest with themselves about their deepest issues. I would argue that those who claim that therapy doesn't work are the ones who refuse to look that deeply at themselves. It takes courage and a lot of hard work. You're right that it's not for everyone.

 

It can, however, benefit almost everyone. You don't need to be "sick" to see a therapist. Oftentimes, simply having an unbiased person to talk to, a safe space to say all the things you're ashamed or afraid to say out loud to friends or family, a place to work out what feel to be complicated, knotted-up issues, is invaluable. It's not about submitting yourself to some snake oil treatment, it's about discovering your inner workings, the things that make you tick.

 

I've done it on and off for about five years. I can honestly say that it has made a difference, a huge difference, in my life. I was so much more afraid, anxious, unsure, ambivalent, closed-off, defensive and had not a clue what my deeper issues were. I still have work to do, but I'm so much more aware of my underlying issues, and what drives and perpetuates my negative thoughts or self-sabotaging behaviors. I still may do them from time to time (or more often than not), but I see my behavior for what it is, and to be able to see it from that kind of detached point of view makes it much easier to avoid it. That to me is what therapy does, and for those who need it, and take it seriously, it can be so beneficial.

 

It's a shame you're so against it.

[losangelena]

Furthermore, I don't think you can just say about therapy, "I want to learn how to meet women," it doesn't work that way.

 

When you decide to submit yourself to the therapeutic process, you're allowing for the possibility that your entire mindset could change. For instance, I learned through therapy that I'm quite ambivalent in relationships, and that truly, I am happier by myself. I used to YEARN for a relationship, but now, I'm at a place where I think, if I never had a lifelong partnership like that, I'll be OK, I'll be happy. If I do meet someone great, and that's a relationship that adds more to my life, then it's something I'll pursue, but I no longer have that panicked desire for a romantic relationship. I'm calmer being single, I get to spend all of my free time the way I want, I have more creative energy.

 

These are all realizations that I came to through therapy. And I wouldn't say that therapy in and of itself "changed me," but that through rooting around within myself, and shedding the aspects of my personality that were false constructs, I've been able to get in touch with my more authentic self. The self who is fine with who she is.

 

If you go in with that mindset, then, again, therapy can be quite beneficial. Going because you'll get some sort of outcome out of it is a bad idea.

[ZA Dater]

ZA, keep in mind that was is said below is intended to help you.

 

Who knows whether "therapy" per se is the answer for you, but I do think one thing that you--and a few other guys who have struggled with women--need is an outside (preferably in-person) perspective--on how you are coming across and on how you are going about meeting women. I notice that there are a few of you who have very rigid, sclerotic, views on The Way Things Are--and you seem unwilling to suspend disbelief that things may be different from that.

 

I can only go by your posts here, but I'm not really seeing what you've been doing to improve your dating life. You've asked out one woman in the past year and she said no. So what. You've improved your fashion (good for you) but are you sure your fashion was even your problem? So your friends can't/won't set you up w anyone. Fine, many other people (including myself) have this issue too otherwise Match and OKCupid wouldn't be things. As far as what you could be doing more: You could approach women yourself OR you could improve your dating profile, for starters.

 

I can also say that when I decided that I needed to get MY dating life handled, I got rejected a lot more than you did. I'd approach a woman and get blown off. I'd go on first dates and not get a second. This sort of thing happened to me A LOT. Man, it did suck, but instead of whining and saying that I can't succeed in dating because women are this, women are that, I took responsibility and I took feedback. Maybe I was coming across too needy or intense. Maybe that joke I always liked to tell was offensive to the women I was trying to charm. Maybe I needed to be more like the women I liked--adventurous and loving life--instead of asking for that in a partner when I really wasn't that way myself. Soon things got a lot better for me.

 

They can for you too, but you have to be open for feedback from the right people.

 

An interesting post. Lets work totally illogically and go from the last bold point.

 

I agree with you and I am absolutely convinced the right person isn't a therapist who doesn't know me from a bar of soap. That's been my point here to an extent, prescribing that as a wall paper solution doesn't make sense at all.

 

For the most part I just do not find many people attractive, the times I do really, really find someone attractive are extremely rare, its hard to say why this is so but when I think about the three I did like they all stood out in terms of personality and intellectual ability. Therapy isn't going to suddenly make me find people attractive who in the past I found unattractive, my standards in terms of physical looks meanders towards average but intellectually I want the exceptional and that is very rare to find....for me at least.

 

Feedback is great, again I have mentioned this in the past but women simply don't give any sort of feedback, its easier to block someone on whatsapp or stand them up than it is to simply say "I don't find you attractive because", the fact I cannot ever get anyone I like to go out with me is perhaps telling.

 

OLD is totally out for me, am not ever going back there, nothing in life has shattered my confidence quite as much as OLD. Approaching random people isn't something I can do, simply because it just becomes and awkward mess whereby I end up speaking at a level higher than the other person, my sense of humour is quite dry and what I find funny most others don't get.

 

Again back to therapy, none of these issues I face or others face are therapy related problems in my opinion, they are simply a function of being different in some way or another, different in thinking, different in the way we come across and communicate.

 

I'd agree I have a very set way of seeing the way things are but the reality is until I am proven otherwise I wont deviate from that, my beliefs are based on experiences, again therapy cannot take away experiences, I'd contend that a lot of what we are as people is the result of experiences we have had, you cant suddenly pretend those things didn't happen, you cant pretend you didn't see that. Yes, I am bitter, considerably so, equally I am cynical too but look at it, how many other guys who have had no success feel the same as I do? Quite a few just on this forum alone.

 

For what its worth I spent most of my childhood without friends, simply because even then I couldn't relate to other kids, a therapist isn't going to change that or suddenly make me a social butterfly, which I can be if I am in the company of people who "get" me but those are extremely few and far between.

 

I may have gone overboard in previous posts but when people who really battle get told "oh got to therapy" it irks me because is it really their fault they lack success? There is no way of really knowing that because there are too many variables, are they going for supermodels, or they perhaps not attractive, do they perhaps speak poorly, all variables.

 

Equally I think therapy can benefit people with genuine issues, not finding dates are relating to people I don't deem to be a genuine issue, post traumatic stress disorder, that is a genuine issues, as is depression, yes some here get a benefit of sitting talking to someone, if they see a benefit in that I respect that but I still don't see a constructive benefit for guys who battle at dating.