lilmoma1973 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Hey all , I have a ? to ask.. my h is in a band and played out sat and we haven't been on the best of terms lately.. He came in on wednesday before his gig being all loving and touching me and grabbing me etc.. I said nicely whats with all this affection and he said"i have been doing some thinking and i think we need to be more loving and i totally agreed.. i thought him acting this way was odd we haven't been very affectionate lately always arguing about issues in the home ss having no respect no chores always running and i thinking he needs to do more chores etc.. I am always the bad guy cause i try to be the parent and he tries to be the friend.. It is the same way with our 5 yr old also.. Then the next day he calls me on the phone saying "you want me to pick something to eat up?" I said why ? I said you have no where to be h said yes i do.. I said i thought you wasn't having band practice!! he said i told you !! i was pissed he never has practice when they have a gig .. I figured out where all the nice nice **** was coming from cause he knew he was having practice and knew i would be pissed... i wanted to go out to eat instead of cooking.. i had cooked all week and i was ready for a break .. we went out to eat and he was being all nice and i was pissed and being quiet.. He went to practice then came home after 12 and still being loving and all .. He got up was cleaning and he hardly does that usually on the computer trying to get gigs looking at my space and all.. He was nice all weekend till the gig was over and then when sunday came he was back to his hateful hard to get along self.. Do you think he was feeling guilty thats why he was being loving? He went with us to our friends house for a cookout and stayed in the house and slept on the couch a little while we was outside in the pool having a good time.. He did eat with us but that was it.. I thought he would have been in the pool with us since he didn't see us much sat we went swimming .. but he didn't .. He works out in the hot and he said it was too hot!! i think he cares more for the band than me and my daughter.. He always trying to make this work but puts forth half the effort in this marriage sometimes i think i am beating my head up against the wall.. He doesn't want me at the gigs and says im too closedminded.. What do you think?.. Is it men in general or am i fighting a losing battle.. He says all he is trying to do is be somebody in this world and make a better future for us .. He thinks money = happiness .. I think people that rich are more miserable than poor people.. I use to go to his gigs before now im closedminded and all and negative whatever. I think h is afraid i might get too much attention .. who knows im not ugly not being conceded .. i take vey well care of myself and exercise and dress nice.. he says im a snob i don't get it im just like anyone else. my mil says im a snob i say she is a redneck .. i wear makeup and take care of myself and i am a snob.. wtf ever!! no im not no barbie doll type i just think apperance is everything and first impressions.. I probably get bashed just want opinions on if i am right or just overreacting... Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Why would he want to change you? You have every right to goto these gigs. Tell him you & a female friend are coming, just do it at the last minute. Do it in a nice way so he won't get defensive. How often is he away from you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilmoma1973 Posted June 14, 2005 Author Share Posted June 14, 2005 thanks jmargel for the reply.. my h says that i am a bitch and that is the reason he doesn't want me at the shows.. he also said that i was too much of a jealous type... he said what would i do if a girl came up to him and hug him .. i said i would be pissed.. he said there will be girls that will like their music and they may eventually come and hug him and he asked me what would i do? i said i wouldn't like it .. i said im human if someone come hanging all over my man.. i think he don't want me there cause that is what is happening and he likes the attention he gets.. he says he does it cause he wants to be someone but i think it is because he likes the attention and makes him feel inferior.. i know if he stays in this band it will be the downfall of our marriage .. i think he cares more for the band and it making it than our marriage.. he thinks money will make us happy!! i really don't know anymore and he said i was jealous cause he has a life and i don't .. he keeps saying im a snob and am closedminded .. i don't get it!!Sometimes i think he would love to be single so he could come and go as he pleases.. i just don't think he will ever be marriage material.. i don't know if i want to be in this type of lifestyle always on the back burner.. i want more and im not getting it.. thanks again jmargel for the reply Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted June 14, 2005 Share Posted June 14, 2005 Calling you a bitch is not right. That's not even a blanket statement. That's just putting you down. All the bands I saw I never saw women coming up to hug the band members. I've heard of other things going on, but you could probably guess what they are.. I'm not saying he's doing that but if a chick comes up & hugs him it's not because they are attracted to each other. It's just the moment type thing. Do you two do things together? Any hobbies or interests? You've went to his gigs before right? How did the girls act then? However they acted then, they will act now. So if nothing was going on back when you were seeing him play then there is no reason to not have you there. He needs to put his priorities straight. Don't let someone become your priority when they make you their option. Trust me, I know how you feel right now. Instead of approaching him the way you are, sit down with him and tell him how YOU feel. 'I feel like I'm being left out on a big part of your life when you don't want me there at your gigs'. That kinda thing. Let him know you want to be there not to see what's going on but to be there for him & the band. That you can accept seeing a chick hug him now & then. He shouldn't have any problem having you there and letting people know that you are his girl. Have you tried counseling? Is he willing to go? Of course he's going to like the attention with these gigs. But eventually that's going to wear off. His ego gets stroked when everyone is cheering him and the band on, etc.. It makes him feel good. Nothing is wrong with that. But he has to remember that him making it big is probably not going to happen. He needs to keep this as something 'fun' and should have you in on this part of his life. If he's telling you that you don't have a life well then prove him wrong. When he goes out to a gig, tell him you are getting a babysitter and going out with some friends. And please do! Make him wonder where *you* are. He's expecting for you to be home all the time waiting for him. That nothing can possibly be better than he is. If anything that'll get his attention and wake him up a little. Don't throw it in his face, just next gig he's going to ask if you can come along. If he says no just say 'Ok, no problem I'm going out with some friends, I'll be home sometime tonight'. I can guarantee you he'll have a hard time concentrating on his gig that night. If he attacks you and starts putting you down, just ignore him. As long as you don't get into that arguing match you'll have the upper hand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilmoma1973 Posted June 14, 2005 Author Share Posted June 14, 2005 thanks jmargel, we have been to counseling and he has even went to anger management for his temper and .. he says its me and i make him act the way he does he says i push his button.. in the past he has been abusive to me not beating me up but has pushed me .. he has always called me a bitch .. he is convinced that the band is going to make it the band has been together ten yrs .. the original drummer just got out of prison and has been in and out of jail and prison throughout the ten yrs .. they dropped him because he had a crack problem so .. i believe that he can make it in this band if they was more serious but they aren't .. my h is the only one that puts forth the effort.. i told him that if it is ok for him to go to bars then i will start going to bars .. he didn't like this statement too well..".he said you won't and live here!!" I don't get it why can he do it and i can't no matter what he is in a bar !! He says that i am so closedminded .. can you explain what that means? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilmoma1973 Posted June 20, 2005 Author Share Posted June 20, 2005 hey all thanks for your replies.. since the post we have talked things through and he is willing to involve me in his band.. i talked with a wife of another band member and she feels the same way as me and i discussed this withmy h and told him her views as well as mine.. she said that doesn't make me closedminded.. we went to their house and she told my h how she feels the same way about things so he is thinking im negative anymore and she said he should involve me in his band .. and when he doesn't it makes me think he has somehthing to hide.. so he now understands and things are in a better perspective and we actually are communicating better.. thanks for all the replys Link to post Share on other sites
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