RE:I have this problem...

[Arthur]

THank you all for replying to my post below. But I think once you kiss a person on his/her mouth, that is already a commitment. You don't make out with a guy, and then go home and screw someone else. F$$$ that!!!!

[Miss Mojo]

you know what, arthur?

 

if i met a guy and i found out that he did the same thing to me that your girlfriend did to you, i'd tell him to get stuffed and take a flying leap. i just know it would create issues in the future (such as trust, respect, blah blah).

 

i understand that some people think it was okay if you weren't officially committed to each other, but if she thinks it is okay to kiss you, while at the same time sleep with her ex well, that tells you a lot about her and commitment/faithfulness/loyalty. i'd be worried that somewhere down the track, they'd do the same thing to me.

 

i reckon you have done the right thing, arthur. if you were just after a casual relationship, things might be different, but when you want a serious relationship, this kind of behaviour is very dodgy.

 

i know many will disagree with me, but i just think it says a lot about how this girl views guys...and what is says isn't particularly flattering.

 

take care now

[clia]

"But I think once you kiss a person on his/her mouth, that is already a commitment."

 

Excuse me, what color is the sky in your world? I have never met anyone in my life (much less a guy) who feels that way. I would never assume that just because a guy kisses me on the mouth that he thinks we're in a committed relationship. Commitment takes time. You cannot force the issue.

 

Believe me, I'm not condoning what your girlfriend did, but you should realize that most people aren't ready to jump into a committed relationship after the first date. And most of them will never assume that based on a kiss. To protect yourself in the future from this kind of thing, you should probably do a few things on your first dates:

 

1. Tell the woman you are dating that once you kiss her you expect her to be faithful to you and only you. I'm sure you have different levels of commitment between the kisses--i.e. a kiss on the cheek vs. a peck vs. a french kiss. You should probably try to define these so that when she questions you, you can explain them thoroughly. And where do hugs fall into this?

 

2. Committed relationship implies girlfriend/boyfriend titles, so tell her that from there on out you expect her to behave and present herself as your girlfriend. (And I assume that you will do the same.) This includes things such as moral support, meeting parents, putting up with her friends that you don't like, helping her out with guy things that she can't/doesn't want to do herself (i.e. putting up pictures, changing flat tires, changing the battery in her car, killing spiders, etc.) Tell her that after tonight she can tell God and everybody that you are her boyfriend. To keep up your end of the deal, you will introduce her to all of your friends as your new girlfriend, call her when you say you'll call, and not dump her the second you sleep together.

 

3. Tell her that since you are in a committed relationship already, you'll split the expenses in the relationship--i.e. dinners, movies, bars, entertainment, etc.

 

You remind me of that dishwashing liquid commercial where the guy tells the girl he's booked the church for their wedding while on their first date, and the tagline is "Here's a step you can really skip." (Something about washing dishes...)

 

Good luck to you. If you follow my advice, I can guarantee that you will never have a second date again, so you won't have to deal with this kind of thing.

[Arthur]

I believe you are the kind of girl who would cause a lot of guys a headache, aren't you? If you would go out with a guy for a month and kiss him and tell him that he is the best thing that has ever happened to you and be very passionate, and at the same time screw someone else, then I guess you don't deserve to be treated well. You don't have to do all the things you listed below, for a relationship to take a serious form. From day one, everything with us seemed pretty serious, and in the background of this, she was being very deceitful, meaning whatever we had for the first month or two was not very special, or as special to her as it was to me. I had a girl friend too, and when we broke up, I slept with her only once, and gave her a good bye kiss well before I started dating again. Was I not horny, yes I was, but I do not believe in double games, you can not really give in to a person unless you are completely over with your past, not to mention to have your past concurrently with your present. I want to know how you would feel if you found out that the guy you have been dating for a month, has been sleeping with someone else, and if you would not care very much, then I guess you deserve that kind of treatment

"But I think once you kiss a person on his/her mouth, that is already a commitment."

 

Excuse me, what color is the sky in your world? I have never met anyone in my life (much less a guy) who feels that way. I would never assume that just because a guy kisses me on the mouth that he thinks we're in a committed relationship. Commitment takes time. You cannot force the issue.

 

Believe me, I'm not condoning what your girlfriend did, but you should realize that most people aren't ready to jump into a committed relationship after the first date. And most of them will never assume that based on a kiss. To protect yourself in the future from this kind of thing, you should probably do a few things on your first dates: 1. Tell the woman you are dating that once you kiss her you expect her to be faithful to you and only you. I'm sure you have different levels of commitment between the kisses--i.e. a kiss on the cheek vs. a peck vs. a french kiss. You should probably try to define these so that when she questions you, you can explain them thoroughly. And where do hugs fall into this? 2. Committed relationship implies girlfriend/boyfriend titles, so tell her that from there on out you expect her to behave and present herself as your girlfriend. (And I assume that you will do the same.) This includes things such as moral support, meeting parents, putting up with her friends that you don't like, helping her out with guy things that she can't/doesn't want to do herself (i.e. putting up pictures, changing flat tires, changing the battery in her car, killing spiders, etc.) Tell her that after tonight she can tell God and everybody that you are her boyfriend. To keep up your end of the deal, you will introduce her to all of your friends as your new girlfriend, call her when you say you'll call, and not dump her the second you sleep together. 3. Tell her that since you are in a committed relationship already, you'll split the expenses in the relationship--i.e. dinners, movies, bars, entertainment, etc. You remind me of that dishwashing liquid commercial where the guy tells the girl he's booked the church for their wedding while on their first date, and the tagline is "Here's a step you can really skip." (Something about washing dishes...) Good luck to you. If you follow my advice, I can guarantee that you will never have a second date again, so you won't have to deal with this kind of thing.

[clia]

"I believe you are the kind of girl who would cause a lot of guys a headache, aren't you?"

 

Nope. Actually most guys like me quite a bit.

 

"If you would go out with a guy for a month and kiss him and tell him that he is the best thing that has ever happened to you and be very passionate, and at the same time screw someone else, then I guess you don't deserve to be treated well."

 

Personally, I would never do that. But sometimes I date more than one guy at a time, when there is no sex involved. (As do most of the people I know.) I don't know all the details of your relationship with your girlfriend. I think what she did was completely slimy. All I'm saying is that you didn't have a commitment with her when she did it.

 

"You don't have to do all the things you listed below, for a relationship to take a serious form."

 

I was being facetious. But I never ever assume commitment until we've had the commitment discussion. Being in a committed relationship and dating someone are two completely different things.

 

"From day one, everything with us seemed pretty serious, and in the background of this, she was being very deceitful, meaning whatever we had for the first month or two was not very special, or as special to her as it was to me."

 

Just because it felt serious to you doesn't mean that it felt serious to her. You can never, ever know what anyone else is thinking and should never assume that you are on the same wavelength unless you communicate and confirm that you are. There are some really scummy people out there. I guess you learned your lesson the hard way.

 

"I had a girl friend too, and when we broke up, I slept with her only once, and gave her a good bye kiss well before I started dating again. Was I not horny, yes I was, but I do not believe in double games, you can not really give in to a person unless you are completely over with your past, not to mention to have your past concurrently with your present."

 

I agree. She probably wasn't over her boyfriend yet.

 

"I want to know how you would feel if you found out that the guy you have been dating for a month, has been sleeping with someone else, and if you would not care very much, then I guess you deserve that kind of treatment."

 

It totally depends on what kind of relationship it is and the depth involved. All I'm saying is that I (1) don't assume commitment, and definitely not based on a KISS, and (2) that you cannot cheat on someone you aren't committed to.