NC Day 1: Overwhelmed with anxiety

[solonely9]

Hi.

 

I'm really glad I found this forum, because I'm going through a very hard time and have no sources of support whatsoever.

 

My story... I've been married for ten years now, with its ups and downs, but happily overall. However, I'm not in love with my husband.

 

Five months ago, I met this guy, also married, and we began seeing each other. At first, we decided on a physical relationship only. However, one day, very soon after the start of the affair, both of us realized that we had fallen in love. In a nutshell, words cannot describe how happy I was with him. This was the best time of my life.

 

Now, I'm a very sceptical person and have always had trust issues, so I was very cautious in regards to putting my hopes up too high. Even more, on a few occasions, when he would do something I didn't like, I would push him away, to which he would respond with begging and crying. In a few words, he managed to convince me. No other man has been so stubborn in pursuing me.

 

However, roughly three weeks ago, his wife found out and he changed completely. He literally turned from this strong, confident man to a total weakling. He would even call me to comfort him. Also, his wife and him started couples therapy right away. In the meantime, I was too going through hell, seeing him slipping away, but I was not important.

 

A little background story here... When the affair started, we made it clear that we were not going to leave our spouses. However, HE was the one who started suggesting a possible future together. Most of our conversations were about his "broken" marriage and how truly unhappy he was with her. He would also tell me that, every day, he would think of leaving her and starting a life with me. He loved "the way I made him feel." On the other hand, I NEVER contributed to these "plans." I was just listening to him. To be honest, however, I too began to think, although I wasn't saying anything to him, that, maybe, this is really something special and that we might have a future together.

 

Going back to the present, here is how my knight in shining armor changed in the matter of days: 1) I will leave my wife for you; 2) I can't leave my wife because of our kids, but I'm going to suggest to her an open marriage; 3) I am going to wait for the storm to calm down and we are going to resume our relationship; 4) I can't be your lover anymore, but I want to stay in touch; 5) I cannot stay in touch anymore.

 

Honestly, I saw all this coming, but I was in somewhat of a denial. Against my own advice, I had already fallen too deep, hoping for a miracle. I will never forget these two days. It was a Tuesday when I called him to end things. He begged me not to do it and turned up at my house. We had sex and he made plans for a trip. He said he loved me like a thousand times. On the next day, we were supposed to go for breakfast. However, we never made it to the diner. He just stopped at a random parking lot and announced that he can no longer be with me. The previous night, he had gone home and found his wife crying, at which point he had realized how much he loved her and how badly she was trying to work on their marriage. He said that he was finally getting attention from her.

 

Needless to say, I lost it. I completely lost it. Guess who was begging now? I pleaded and pleaded with him, like he used to do, but the more I was trying to convince him not to leave me, the more he was pulling away, to the point of becoming unrecognizably cold and cruel. He told me he was surprised of me ever thinking that he would leave his wife. However, what hurt the most was when he said that he has always had reservations in regards to me, that he can never trust me, and that he doesn't see how we will work out as a couple. He went from telling me how amazing I am to, basically, focusing on all my weaknesses, making me feel completele unworthy of him. On the other hand, his wife suddenly became this wonderful person.

 

After these few days of a total drama, we stayed in touch, but our conversations were turning uglier and uglier. He has become colder and even more distant. Today, I called him to apologize for something I said and found out I was blocked. That's it. I don't deserve this. I'm going NC.

 

I have realized that I've lost all my dignity and self-respect, and, even though, here I am, hoping that he will come back. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how I'm going to get over this.

[ladydesigner]

It sounds like they may have had a DDay (discovery of the A day). That could be one reason for the about face.

 

Keep reading here. You will find lots of resourceful info and support. Sorry you find yourself here. Most A's start and end this way.

 

If you can treat this like an addiction and look at it that way, it will be more effective than asking what happened? Why did he change his mind?

 

You are M'd too don't forget. Were you ready to end your M for this MM?

[solonely9]

Yes, I was ready to leave my marriage for him. The day his wife found out, I didn't sleep at all, thinking about what we were going to do. I was scared, but, also, really hopeful, really excited. I love him so much.

 

And yes, this forum has been extremely helpful. So many similar experiences. I'm glad I found it.

[Ms. Faust]

Sorry that happened to you. I am sure he will be back.

 

Something must be in the air, all of these threads talking about breakups in just one day...

[Cappycorny]

I'm sorry. It's like major D day around here today. Definitely read the other stories I've been doing that and it helps. Hang in there for now. I hopefully will have more advice for people when I calm down a bit. Right now I'm feeling really down over something I actually wanted to end. It's very messed up.

[13Hearts]

He sounds like an emotional mess.

 

His marriage is where he will return, though, because his marriage is his anchor. Whether he is happy or satisfied in it or not. He knows that returning to it and working on it is what will bring him back into emotional stability.

 

People here talk about MM often being non-confrontational. Instead of confronting their spouse with the problems, they just figure they have to learn to live with it, and eventually go outside the marriage for love and affection, or whatever is missing in the marriage.

 

The feelings between affair partners are instense, no doubt. And I often read here how dramatic it all is, even from the outset. All these people longing for love and attention, seeing themselves through the AP's eyes, and feeling torn between getting their emotional, sexual, and companionship needs met, and doing the right thing by their spouse, upholding at least some of their marriage vows, and recognizing their responsibility to their children. It's very difficult and I think men in general have more difficulty dealing with such strong emotions. They just don't know what to do, so they do what has always worked for them which is to become, again, stoic and withdrawn (as they did with their spouse).

 

So I wouldn't take it personally that this guy has changed his tune several times over a short period of time. It's not you. He's confused, and he's torn, and that's not likely to change. Your real problem is not the hurt you feel in your heart. Your real problem is deciding whether or not you are going to continue to involve yourself with someone who you cannot avoid being emotionally connected with, who is always going to be on an emotional rollercoaster or ping-ponging back and forth. Because he will be back. Will you have made up your mind by then, as to whether or not you want your life to continue this way? Are you going to continue to play a part in his never-ending confusion, or are you going to set him free so he can return to what is probably best for him?

 

As for me, I have lots of experience with heartbreak, and moving on from men who are just not good for me. I also have learned to let go when I realize that the decisions I think they should make for their lives are really not for me to dictate. Even though it hurts like hell.

[solonely9]

I'm really glad I found this forum. I've learned a lot, especially about how the married men think. Reading one such post made me really angry. Its author was saying what a wonderful person the OW was, but, also, how he will always choose his wife, no matter what. I'm sorry, but this is just so cowardly. In my opinion, women are much braver in regards to leaving their marriages.

 

Since posting my story, he has reached out to me asking if we can be friends!?!?!?

[solonely9]

Thank you for this very thoughtful response. I will do everything possible to distance myself from him. I just want to heal and move on.

[Ms. Faust]

However, what hurt the most was when he said that he has always had reservations in regards to me, that he can never trust me, and that he doesn't see how we will work out as a couple.

 

Was he implying that he could never trust you because you were involved in the affair with him? I really dislike when APs say that. I find it so hypocritical.

[13Hearts]

It's apparently very common that they want to be "friends." I think they have a strange definition for that word, tho.

[solonely9]

Yes. He said that he cannot get over how our relationship started and that he will always wonder what I am up to. We also had this very heavy conversation about why he didn't "pick me." Basically, he said that he picked to stay with his wife, because she will never do something like this. As I said in my post, he ended up painting me into this bad person, while his wife was all good and vertuous.

[RRM321]

My story... I've been married for ten years now, with its ups and downs, but happily overall. However, I'm not in love with my husband.

 

However, one day, very soon after the start of the affair, both of us realized that we had fallen in love.

 

 

These two thoughts (above, your words) best describe how you got here.

 

Falling in love is easy - all it takes is enough eye contact combined with sustained and escalating mutual disclosure. You did that with your husband by dating, and then with your AP through sex.

 

The real trick is staying in love which is a choice. Life will present you with this choice over, and over, and over again with innumerable variation. Staying in love can be as easy as making consistent choices.

 

Affairs are created inside a delusion. It's both failing to choose, and choosing something you can't actually attain. They are unattainable fantasy with an unavailable partner; a perpetual loop distressed whenever reality intrudes.

 

You're not in love with your husband because somewhere along the line you chose something different than you had previously, but failed to act on it (separation/divorce).

 

Who are you really cheating in this scenario? The only person I see being cheated is YOU! You gave up on your first choice, replaced it with the something impossible, and now essentially have neither.

 

I think your best choice was the first one. Hopefully, he will still choose you.

Edited March 4, 2016 by RRM321

[Ms. Faust]

In my opinion, women are much braver in regards to leaving their marriages.

 

Men usually have more to lose.

[solonely9]

I've heard this explanation of falling in love before. I think I read an article about it. I've never tried it on purpose, but I guess there is some truth to it.

 

In regards to my marriage, I did try to work on it for a long time, but I

think that, for this, you need two people. To be honest, I don't mind my husband not choosing me. He is not very happy either and, sometimes, I wish for him to find a woman who will appreciate him in the way he deserves.

 

My belief is that love has a start and an ending, and I really don't understand why so many people will go against their feelings and desires, and would force themselves to stay in relationships that obviously don't work and will never work.

[Grey Cloud]

Yes. He said that he cannot get over how our relationship started and that he will always wonder what I am up to. We also had this very heavy conversation about why he didn't "pick me." Basically, he said that he picked to stay with his wife, because she will never do something like this. As I said in my post, he ended up painting me into this bad person, while his wife was all good and vertuous.

 

My xMM said something similar. That his w would never have an A and it would be totally out of character for her to do that. I said I hope you are not implying it's in MY nature to have an A?! And btw, you are an equal party to all of this as well! At the end of the day, I was fun and playful and an escape from everyday life. Meanwhile his w is the "loyal", stable one. In times of stress and uncertainty they cling to what they know.

[solonely9]

Loyal and stable are some of the words he used to describe his wife as well. However, before, she was mean, cold, and boring.

[RRM321]

I've heard this explanation of falling in love before. I think I read an article about it. I've never tried it on purpose, but I guess there is some truth to it.

 

In regards to my marriage, I did try to work on it for a long time, but I

think that, for this, you need two people. To be honest, I don't mind my husband not choosing me. He is not very happy either and, sometimes, I wish for him to find a woman who will appreciate him in the way he deserves.

 

My belief is that love has a start and an ending, and I really don't understand why so many people will go against their feelings and desires, and would force themselves to stay in relationships that obviously don't work and will never work.

 

Any concept of relationships and love presupposes two healthy and empathetic people. We can easily fall for unhealthy or toxic people which becomes increasingly dysfunctional over time.

 

Otherwise, it's a contradiction to suggest we can work on a relationship, and presume them temporary conditions that can't work.

 

Our actions can also irrevocably alter choices - because they change our story, our perceptions of who we are and how others perceive us. The choices must be mutually compatible and simultaneous if you are to be anything other than two ships passing.

[RRM321]

Loyal and stable are some of the words he used to describe his wife as well. However, before, she was mean, cold, and boring.

 

Whatever they can do with you, they also must do to you. It's a multi-player game so, you can't cheat one player without cheating all the players.

[Doublegold]

Loyal and stable are some of the words he used to describe his wife as well. However, before, she was mean, cold, and boring. Basically, he said that he picked to stay with his wife, because she will never do something like this.

 

Work on forgetting these words. For they are meaningless-- hurtful, yes--but not what you need to focus on. With time, you will once again focus on yourself. You will get there. Until then--we are here.

 

Remember who you are. Keep reading.

 

Take Care.

[Grey Cloud]

Whatever they can do with you, they also must do to you. It's a multi-player game so, you can't cheat one player without cheating all the players.

 

This is SO true. If they can lie to their w then they can also lie to their AP.

[Ms. Faust]

It sounds like when he was with you he rewrote his history with his wife and when he went back to his wife he rewrote the history with you. So he couldn't stand the sight of his wife crying?

 

Have you ever heard of Knight in Shining Armor syndrome, better known as KISA? I just thought it kind of funny that is how you described him earlier... how exactly was he a Knight in Shining armor to you?

[solonely9]

He would always complain that he is not getting enough attention from his wife. Even, sometimes, I would think that he demands too much attention from everyone. Like this was very important to him, to be the center of attention, always. So, when his wife found out and started treating him the way he wanted, he no longer needed me I guess.

 

About the crying, I really don't know what exactly happened that night. He just told me he found her all in tears and that made him make up his mind overnight.

 

Interesting. I've never heard of KISA, but I just googled it and yes, he did behave in this way. I called him like that, because he would always be extremely protective of me. Sometimes even, he would treat me as I need saving or something. On the good side, he was the most caring and attentive man I've ever been with, until, of course, he showed his real face. After the D-Day, he told me numerous times that he thought he was someone else, but that, now, he knows that he is actually very fearful and insecure.

[anika99]

My belief is that love has a start and an ending, and I really don't understand why so many people will go against their feelings and desires, and would force themselves to stay in relationships that obviously don't work and will never work.

 

Since you feel this way and since you said you are not in love with your husband, I take it you are divorcing him now?

 

Don't hold onto your husband until a "knight in shining armor" comes to rescue you. That will never work out in your favor. It's lame to hold onto someone while waiting for someone better to come along. If you are a strong adult woman then you should be okay being honest with your husband and leaving him.

[OneLov]

I've heard this explanation of falling in love before. I think I read an article about it. I've never tried it on purpose, but I guess there is some truth to it.

 

In regards to my marriage, I did try to work on it for a long time, but I

think that, for this, you need two people. To be honest, I don't mind my husband not choosing me. He is not very happy either and, sometimes, I wish for him to find a woman who will appreciate him in the way he deserves.

 

My belief is that love has a start and an ending, and I really don't understand why so many people will go against their feelings and desires, and would force themselves to stay in relationships that obviously don't work and will never work.

 

OP,

 

Why are you staying in your relationship? You just say stated you have done everything you can, but the relationship is a lost cause due to his lack of effort. But it seems like you feel bad for him and cannot leave him out of guilt. Then you made a statement you cannot understand why people do the exact same thing you are currently doing. What I don't understand is why you cannot accept he is staying in his broken marriage for the very same reason you are?

 

I think you should be like one of those brave women and leave. Free yourself. I'm sorry you're hurting. Please try to not take it so personal. He is conflicted for the same reason you are.

[Ms. Faust]

 

My belief is that love has a start and an ending, and I really don't understand why so many people will go against their feelings and desires, and would force themselves to stay in relationships that obviously don't work and will never work.

 

So why have you not initiated the divorce process yet?