NC Day 1: Overwhelmed with anxiety

[13Hearts]

Loyal and stable are some of the words he used to describe his wife as well. However, before, she was mean, cold, and boring. Basically, he said that he picked to stay with his wife, because she will never do something like this.

 

Work on forgetting these words. For they are meaningless-- hurtful, yes--but not what you need to focus on. With time, you will once again focus on yourself. You will get there. Until then--we are here.

 

Remember who you are. Keep reading.

 

Take Care.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with Doublegold here. It just goes to show you how very dysfunctional MM is. A perfect case of a sick person who can very easily make you sick. He is toxic. And his poor, loyal wife is stuck with it. No thanks.

[solonely9]

I didn't believe all the things he was saying about his wife. Sometimes, I would accidentally see her messages to him and her tone was always loving and caring, and she would end all of them with an "I love you." At that point, that would make me jealous, but I was trying not to think of her. I know. That's horrible of me.

[Babs22]

Yes, I guess that's always been the case, but we got lost in the affair. You're right. I still think we had something. Never thought about it in this way, but, now, that you pointed it out, yes, I think that's exactly what I'm struggling it. Can't let go of that "something."

 

Solonely9,

Hi! Your story is pretty similar to my own. I'm married, he is married. I have two boys, 18 and 21, he has no kids. We met at work, fell in love, have been in a 3 year affair. We never said from the get-go that we would not leave our spouses. I would have left mine, over time I realized he would not have left his. I stayed in the A even knowing this. We have not had a D Day, but I am pretty sure my MM would behave like most MM and drop me like a hot potato.

 

I am sorry that your MM has demonized you like he has, but I think they have to in order to move on. Unlike your A, my MM really did not future fake. Initially there were a lot more "I love yous" and we would talk about how we wish we met 20 years ago, but he never talked of leaving his wife. I really wish I had asked that question 3 years ago, because I am sure I would not be where I am right now. There was a lot of assuming on my part, I assumed he loved me like I loved him and therefore, we would end up together. Wrong. I do hope my MM won't demonize me when our A ends, but he may just have to do it to protect his heart. I do think he really doesn't have it in him to be hurtful to me. I do believe he cares about me, even loves me to a certain degree. None of that would ever be enough for him to leave his M.

 

I do love and care about him and so I have stayed. I have come to this really slow realization that i am the "chick on the side" and always will be. I think he could carry this on as long as there is no D day. We are extremely careful and no longer text like we used to. When he is home, I hardly hear from him. It was not like this at first of course and I needed the attention and to feel loved just as much as he did. The thing is, I think he is getting exactly what he needs from me now, and I am getting little of what I need. I still stay. I now realize that I will need to be the one to end this. One, because he won't and two, because it is really unhealthy for me to feel like I am second fiddle and that my needs are secondary. Hell, I am right back to where I was in my marriage when I met him. Irony.

 

I try to remind myself that I do not belong in their marriage. She had him first, they definitely were both head over heals in love in the beginning. Ending this will be hard because I do feel like he is one of my best friends as well as lover. He also has showed me more kindness and tenderness than I have ever had in my own M. No, I am not rewriting history. I always joked that my H was like Spock, even when we were dating. I know my MM will get over it easier than I will. He still has a decent relationship with his W. I, on the other hand, let this A effect my M.

 

Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in your story. Also, be thankful your A has only been 5 months not 3 years!! Although I have had a lot more reality checks over 3 years, so I am more prepared to end it then you were. The biggest one is coming up again this month. Every year, except for the first, he goes on a Spring Break cruise with his wife. This always destroys me. He stays in contact, but it is quite painful. I recently found out their anniversary is actually during this cruise. I don't think I can go through another week of that, so I have been preparing for months to end this before that. If I am going to go thru the pain, it may as well be part of the pain of ending my A.

 

Hang in there. Stay NC. It is much healthier for you in the end.

Edited March 5, 2016 by Babs22
Post was too long

[Akashsingh]

I am a firm believer that all affairs do come to an end. However, I am also a believer that you should be loved for however small amount of time it is. You are quite lucky to have found love. Don't be selfish, let this person go and be honest with your husband as well. It seems you don't treat your husband well. If there was a man in your shoes, he would have been trashed on this forum. Society is unforgiving of such acts by men. I am not judging you and I don't think you did anything wrong. To feel attracted to someone and seek affection is a human behavior, however; there are others involved. The truth is that you made a vow to your husband, be honest with him and see what he wants, out or to improve your relationship with him. If your MM can start a couples theory, why cant you do the same with your husband and save your marriage?

[sandylee1]

I am a firm believer that all affairs do come to an end. However, I am also a believer that you should be loved for however small amount of time it is. You are quite lucky to have found love. Don't be selfish, let this person go and be honest with your husband as well. It seems you don't treat your husband well. If there was a man in your shoes, he would have been trashed on this forum. Society is unforgiving of such acts by men. I am not judging you and I don't think you did anything wrong. To feel attracted to someone and seek affection is a human behavior, however; there are others involved. The truth is that you made a vow to your husband, be honest with him and see what he wants, out or to improve your relationship with him. If your MM can start a couples theory, why cant you do the same with your husband and save your marriage?

 

We're not allowed to trash the OP.

 

She has treated her husband terribly and that's been pointed out already.

It's not a gender bias.

 

It's clear your OM wanted fun. .. his wife busted him and that's no longer fun at all. He doesn't want the stress or to loose what he has and yes.. trust when the relationship started as a lie is an issue.

 

If his wife was truly what he initially said.... then he'd want out. Many many OW choose to believe the lies and think they are providing what the wife isn't. Both can forget reality in an affair. There's no talk of bills...home maintenance... finances.....inlaws...... kids schooling etc.

[solonely9]

To Babs22:

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I really appreciate the time and the kind words.

 

I hope that he will not demonize you one day. It is not fair and it hurts like hell. I hope he saves you that. I've been so upset with my MM that I tried to do the same, demonize him in my mind, but I couldn't. It is really painful to see someone, who was your closest person in the world, withdraw in such a cruel way.

 

Furthermore, you talk about ending the affair before their yearly cruise. I think that, if you can, you should do it. As I said in my post, I started the relationship with my MM (it sounds strange, "my MM," when he is not mine actually) with a very clear head. Many many times, I pushed him away. For example, he would future fake me and I would tell him that, if we got together, dealing with the daily routines would affect and change us, but he would argue and argue, and would gradually convince me that we were different. Ending the affair was the only thing I had in my control and not doing it on time has left me completely helpless.

 

Thank you again for your thoughts.

[solonely9]

To Akashsingh and sandylee1:

 

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts on my issue. I appreciate all the insight I can get.

 

As I said, I started the affair with a very clear mind. I did anticipate its ending at one point. However, with time, my MM menaged to convince me the opposite. (We were together for five months and I think I gave in to the fantasy around the end of the third month.)

 

About letting him go, that's what I'm doing right now. I'm in NC and have no intention whatsoever to communicate with him anymore. At times, it is so damn hard though. A question I need a clarification on would pop up in my head and I would reach for the phone, but I would never make the call, because, by doing that, I would lose the last piece of dignity I have left. Also, I just can't hear his cold voice anymore, a voice that once was so sweet and loving to me.

 

On appreciating finding love, I'm not ready for this. Right now, I'm a mess of all kinds of feelings, mainly negative ones. However, maybe, one day, I will be able to look back at this and see only the good things, but not now.

 

In regards to receiving criticism, trashing even, I'm ready for it or I wouldn't have posted here. Yes, I did wrong by my husband, so wrong. I betrayed his trust. However, I need first to come out of this fog in order to tell him and to address all our issues.

 

On the other hand, and to be completely honest, I've been so disappointed with my husband that I might have totally given up on our marriage. For example, during the affair, I got really sick and was admitted to the ER. My husband was on his way home from work, when I called to tell him I had been hospitalized. To my bitter surprise, he never suggested coming to be there with me. Instead, he asked me what's for dinner and because I hadn't made anything for feeling sick, he told me to order a takeout, while I was at the ER. I also took a taxi home. On the other hand, the MM was ready to risk everything and be there with me. But I don't know. Many people here have advised me the same - come clean and work on your marriage. I'm still not sure, if I'm going to do it.

 

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. Highly appreciated.

[BuddyX]

Maybe you keep picking the wrong men?

Take a step back and reasses

[Babs22]

 

About letting him go, that's what I'm doing right now. I'm in NC and have no intention whatsoever to communicate with him anymore. At times, it is so damn hard though. A question I need a clarification on would pop up in my head and I would reach for the phone, but I would never make the call, because, by doing that, I would lose the last piece of dignity I have left. Also, I just can't hear his cold voice anymore, a voice that once was so sweet and loving to me.

 

On the other hand, and to be completely honest, I've been so disappointed with my husband that I might have totally given up on our marriage. For example, during the affair, I got really sick and was admitted to the ER. My husband was on his way home from work, when I called to tell him I had been hospitalized. To my bitter surprise, he never suggested coming to be there with me. Instead, he asked me what's for dinner and because I hadn't made anything for feeling sick, he told me to order a takeout, while I was at the ER. I also took a taxi home. On the other hand, the MM was ready to risk everything and be there with me. But I don't know. Many people here have advised me the same - come clean and work on your marriage. I'm still not sure, if I'm going to do it.

 

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. Highly appreciated.

 

Solonley,

Yes, I agree with you, stay NC and hold on to your dignity. We must have some self respect when dealing with the men in our lives.

 

In regards to what your husband did when you were in the hospital, that is ridiculous. You are in the hospital and he is asking you what you made for dinner??!! Then he asks you to order carry out and you had to take a taxi home??!! Do you have children? If not, I would plan to end this 10 year marriage. Your H does not even seem to care about your well being. I agree with the previous poster, you do seem to keep picking the wrong guys. I am sorry that your husband can be this uncaring. No wonder you are so lonely. <<Hugz>>

[solonely9]

To Babs22:

 

 

Yes, NC it is. Today was the first day since we met that we did not exchange a single word. Long, long, long day. It has been so damn hard. I will never forget this 5th of March. I am overwhelmed with pain, anger, fear, and anxiety. To be completely honest though, and I know it is against the NC rules, I was so desperate at one point that I found myself on his Facebook page. And guess what? He seems to be doing fine, going to a party with his wife. I was crushed. Then, I went on to read our old emails, from the very beginning, where I was all cautious and reserved, while he was convincing me how we will be together forever. Ugh!

 

 

And about my husband, that was not the first time he does this. In the same context, during our whole relationship, I have dealt with all my health issues alone. He is not a very caring person. He, however, demands a lot of care. He has always been a momma's boy. In this regard, my xMM was just wonderful. When I was sick, he would call me all the time to see how I was, would take me to the doctor, buy me medicines, etc. I am not a baby. I can take care of myself, but, also, I don't want to feel alone when I am going through hard times.

 

 

Honestly, I am not rewriting my marital history here. My husband has many good qualities as well. He is not a cheater like me, for example. Also, he is very kind and hardworking. However, he seems to be living in his own world and everything outside his safe place doesn't deserve his attention, including me. In the beginning of our relationship, I would wait on him to start noticing me, but without any success. Later on in our marriage, I would try to talk to him, explaining and analyzing and guiding him; still no response. Now, especially now, I would just snap at him. And guess what? Zero reaction. I feel really lonely.

 

 

On picking the wrong guys, aren't they almost all nice in the beginning? In my experience, I am already in too deep when they show their real faces.

 

 

P.S. We don't have kids.

[Babs22]

Solonely,

I am sorry you have to go through your medical problems on your own and that your husband does not support you. It would be easy to fall for the guy that suddenly took interest in you and showed some caring. The same thing happened with me, MM showed me he cared. I had been with my H for 30 years, married almost 20. I knew my H was not very affectionate and did not make emotional connections, I just didn't realize how much I was starved for that. I just gave up on it and felt like I could deal with life without it. Boy was I wrong. My H is a nice guy, but not good at showing anyone how he feels. Sadly my 18 year old son said to me today, "I think dad hates me." He obviously does not hate our son, he loves him, but his lack of affection and emotion causes others to feel this way. I should not have to reassure my son this his dad loves him.

 

Anyway, good job on the NC. If you break it, you know you will be back on square one in getting over him. But also, you do not need to be looking at his FB page. You should block his page, that way he won't see yours either. No peeking, it will only cause you pain like it did today. I deactivated my FB page in December, I can go back and reactivate it, but I wanted to stop checking my MM's page and we haven't even ended it yet.

 

I can understand reading old emails even if that causes you pain. And I think it helps highlight how it all started and from the beginning how it was unrealistic. The great day will be when you delete those emails. Hopefully you can do that soon, read and delete. It wasn't real anyway.

 

Block him on facebook, block on your phone and email. That way he cannot contact you. Good luck and hang in there.

[solonely9]

Hi and sorry for the new thread, but I am in a very different state of mind right now, compared to my first post. Anxiety has kicked in.

 

 

First of all, thank you for your comments, advices, and criticism. You have no idea how much this forum has helped me. It has accelerated my recovery by months, probably.

 

 

So, what happened today? First day of NC. First day of not exchanging a single word with my xMM since we met. For sure, one of the longest days in my life.

 

 

In the morning, I was doing okay, reading the posts here and replying, sure that I am going through the end of an affair finalized by a D-Day. However, at one point, a scary thought popped up in my head. (Yes, I am an over-thinker.) Was there really a D-Day? So, after unsuccessfully trying to chase this idea out of my mind, I ended up at my xMM's Facebook page. I looked through his Timeline and I realized that, on the outside, his marital life didn't seem to suffer one bit. Here they are, during what is supposed to be the most difficult time of their marriage, at a party, at a friend's house, at a restaurant, etc. I know that maybe they are trying to carry on with their normal life, while dealing with the crisis only at home, probably because of their social circle, but still... For example, I can hardly bring myself to go through the day, let alone to go out and appear all happy and cheerful in public.

 

 

And the crazy thought process continues. They don't seem to have had a D-Day. In that case, did he meet anyone else or did he just get tired of me, inventing a D-Day? The idea of his wife being pregnant also crossed my mind. Well, I guess I will never know.

 

 

So, these thoughts have been torturing me almost all day. Here I am, at 4 am in my part of the world, unable to sleep, going over and over again the breakup, trying to convince myself that what he was saying is true. Him and I have always had a great communication and, if I had such doubts before, I could always just ask him and he would answer without a problem. However, now, I cannot do this anymore, so I am just sitting here in a total torment. The lack of contact is killing me and my mind is starting to play tricks on me, painting him into this horrible person, plotting, lying, inventing. He did it to his wife, so why not me, but I guess that's the price I have to pay for being a part of an affair. Today, I was this close to calling him and confronting him about my suspicions. However, I managed to stop myself, because this would have equaled hitting the absolute bottom. I don't even want to imagine his reaction.

 

 

One thing that I have been repeating to myself is that it really doesn't matter. It is over and that's it. However, it is somehow important to me to know what actually happened. I feel that in order for me to successfully move on, I need to know what I am getting over. Yes, I know that I am getting over an abrupt affair end, but, somehow, holding on to the good times we had has helped me a lot. In my mind, we had this wonderful thing that ended only because of D-Day. Him loving me still matters to me. Finding out that he left for one of the above reasons would crush me and would make my recovery even more difficult, but sitting here and being tormented by doubts is worse. Basically, I don't feel like I am making progress anymore and I had so much hope this morning. Even worse, I don't think I will ever know what happened. I am stuck.

 

 

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to proceed.

 

 

P.S. And I can't help but think that I deserve this.

[jenkins95]

solonely9. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Yes, consider this rock bottom, but take comfort in the fact that if you observe NC and make the effort to get the right thoughts in your mind and the wrong thoughts out, you are almost guaranteed to feel better. You may not feel an improvement day to day earlier on, but set a medium term target - 100 days is very common. Know that if you do things right, you will feel noticeably better then.

 

Lots of people have posted similar sentiments to you, regarding whether or not there really was a d-day, how come Facebook looks so great, etc. But very likely they're was one. It was similar in my case, when my wife found out, she was ashamed to let anyone know. She kept up outward appearances, Facebook looked totally normal...... And we dealt with it together behind closed doors. Months later we are doing much better. The devastation that hits the BS on D-day is almost beyond the comprehension of anyone who hasn't been through it, and they will deal with it in their own way. Likely his BS does not want the knowledge to get out.

 

Also, if he is being cold or unpredictable towards you now, if he didn't end it with respect and care like relationships should be ended, please know that it's just because it's all and truly hit the fan for him, and he doesn't know what to do. He's probably so busy and exhausted with the devastation going on at home that inevitably be didn't have the resources to handle the breakup with you as he would have ideally liked.

 

I'm sure there may be some MM's that fake a D-day, but not many. Those that do muddy be incredibly weak if they resort to thatc and not face things properly, and are simply not worth bothering with our wasting energy on. That said, I think it very likely they did have one in your case.

 

Remember, FB is never a great reflection of reality anyway, even in normal, happy times - FB would make us believe that life is one long party, but all families and individuals have hard and tough times, but those are rarely publicly shared of course!

 

Try to get some sleep and take care of yourself.

 

Come to us lots. Keep posting - it helps. It does get better. I was at rock bottom a few months ago and am a lot better now. Small steps, I've day at a time. We're here. J

[Satu]

Your lack of certainty about why he ended it with you is not your problem.

 

It is also not the cause of your problem.

 

Your problem is your anxiety.

 

You would need to unearth the real cause of your anxiety in therapy to have a chance of fully resolving it.

 

At the moment your anxiety is tacked onto this breakup, but in reality its cause is deeper inside you and predates the affair.

 

The end of the affair has merely triggered it.

 

 

 

Take care.

[solonely9]

To Babs22:

 

 

I couldn't have thought of a better word than "starved." Now that I think about it, this guy won me over mainly with his attentiveness and care. I am so not used to being treated this way. I couldn't believe the things he was doing for me. Even, I would often say that I don't deserve this or that and he would answer that that's what a man does when he loves a woman (cheesy, I know). And the dates we had... real proper dates, romance and everything. I have never experienced such a thing. Yes, it was very "hard" to fall for him.

 

 

About the NC, you are right. I shouldn't have checked his FB. I just posted a new thread describing all the anxiety it produced. I feel worse now. And yes, I hope to soon be able to delete his emails. However, I still cannot bring myself to block him from anywhere.

 

 

And I am sorry about how your son felt today. It is still not late for their relationship to improve.

[Grey Cloud]

Hi and sorry for the new thread, but I am in a very different state of mind right now, compared to my first post. Anxiety has kicked in.

 

 

First of all, thank you for your comments, advices, and criticism. You have no idea how much this forum has helped me. It has accelerated my recovery by months, probably.

 

 

So, what happened today? First day of NC. First day of not exchanging a single word with my xMM since we met. For sure, one of the longest days in my life.

 

 

In the morning, I was doing okay, reading the posts here and replying, sure that I am going through the end of an affair finalized by a D-Day. However, at one point, a scary thought popped up in my head. (Yes, I am an over-thinker.) Was there really a D-Day? So, after unsuccessfully trying to chase this idea out of my mind, I ended up at my xMM's Facebook page. I looked through his Timeline and I realized that, on the outside, his marital life didn't seem to suffer one bit. Here they are, during what is supposed to be the most difficult time of their marriage, at a party, at a friend's house, at a restaurant, etc. I know that maybe they are trying to carry on with their normal life, while dealing with the crisis only at home, probably because of their social circle, but still... For example, I can hardly bring myself to go through the day, let alone to go out and appear all happy and cheerful in public.

 

 

And the crazy thought process continues. They don't seem to have had a D-Day. In that case, did he meet anyone else or did he just get tired of me, inventing a D-Day? The idea of his wife being pregnant also crossed my mind. Well, I guess I will never know.

 

 

So, these thoughts have been torturing me almost all day. Here I am, at 4 am in my part of the world, unable to sleep, going over and over again the breakup, trying to convince myself that what he was saying is true. Him and I have always had a great communication and, if I had such doubts before, I could always just ask him and he would answer without a problem. However, now, I cannot do this anymore, so I am just sitting here in a total torment. The lack of contact is killing me and my mind is starting to play tricks on me, painting him into this horrible person, plotting, lying, inventing. He did it to his wife, so why not me, but I guess that's the price I have to pay for being a part of an affair. Today, I was this close to calling him and confronting him about my suspicions. However, I managed to stop myself, because this would have equaled hitting the absolute bottom. I don't even want to imagine his reaction.

 

 

One thing that I have been repeating to myself is that it really doesn't matter. It is over and that's it. However, it is somehow important to me to know what actually happened. I feel that in order for me to successfully move on, I need to know what I am getting over. Yes, I know that I am getting over an abrupt affair end, but, somehow, holding on to the good times we had has helped me a lot. In my mind, we had this wonderful thing that ended only because of D-Day. Him loving me still matters to me. Finding out that he left for one of the above reasons would crush me and would make my recovery even more difficult, but sitting here and being tormented by doubts is worse. Basically, I don't feel like I am making progress anymore and I had so much hope this morning. Even worse, I don't think I will ever know what happened. I am stuck.

 

 

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to proceed.

 

 

P.S. And I can't help but think that I deserve this.

 

The beginning of NC SUCKS!! No doubt about it. It is so hard to keep your resolve. I broke NC within the first two weeks and we were back in touch for about 3 days. It set me back. But also reminded me of why it is so necessary to keep it - to stop new hurts and to break the addiction.

 

In terms of analyzing everything, we have all been there! At the end of the day, even if you had a conversation with him and he answered everything truthfully (which is doubtful as we know they lie to save their own ass!), it would probably not make you feel any better or have any closure because the OUTCOME would still be the same - that he is staying with his w.

 

As for Facebook, worse thing ever! I don't know how many times I stalked his FB page. It always made me feel worse. Even if they are not happy, the FB story will always show how happy and in love they are. It's torture. When I blocked him I felt so much better. Not so he can't contact me but so I am not tempted to look anymore.

 

Unfortunately you need to go through this to come through the other side. It's not easy and I am only just starting out myself. But we have to rely on others who are further down the path that it DOES start getting easier. Be kind to yourself and know one day all this hurt and anxiety will be a distant memory

[solonely9]

Thank you all.

 

 

To jenkins95:

 

 

I am determined to stay in NC, but I couldn't help checking his FB. I will try not to do this anymore, because you're right - FB does not represent reality. I guess I was affected by what I saw, because I wouldn't be able to do that. However, people are different.

 

 

Also, your words on the BS's feelings were a kind of a wakeup call to me. It might sound horrible, but this is the first time I thought of her. She is, for sure, feeling worse than me. I thought about what he is going through as well. Weird, but felt sorry for him.

 

 

Still feel very insecure though.

 

 

To Satu:

 

 

I think you're right. This situation might have just triggered a preexisting anxiety.

 

 

To Grey Cloud:

 

I will do everything that I can not to break NC. I just know that it will set me back. We were in LC for a week and I was doing okay. However, he insisted on seeing me, I agreed, and, then, I felt 100 times worse after we went for coffee as "friends." Big mistake!

 

 

Also, somewhere in my tormented mind, I do know that yet another conversation will not help me at all, on the contrary, but this lack of communication is just a pure torture. I am totally alone in this.

[privategal]

Hi and sorry for the new thread, but I am in a very different state of mind right now, compared to my first post. Anxiety has kicked in.

 

 

First of all, thank you for your comments, advices, and criticism. You have no idea how much this forum has helped me. It has accelerated my recovery by months, probably.

 

 

So, what happened today? First day of NC. First day of not exchanging a single word with my xMM since we met. For sure, one of the longest days in my life.

 

 

In the morning, I was doing okay, reading the posts here and replying, sure that I am going through the end of an affair finalized by a D-Day. However, at one point, a scary thought popped up in my head. (Yes, I am an over-thinker.) Was there really a D-Day? So, after unsuccessfully trying to chase this idea out of my mind, I ended up at my xMM's Facebook page. I looked through his Timeline and I realized that, on the outside, his marital life didn't seem to suffer one bit. Here they are, during what is supposed to be the most difficult time of their marriage, at a party, at a friend's house, at a restaurant, etc. I know that maybe they are trying to carry on with their normal life, while dealing with the crisis only at home, probably because of their social circle, but still... For example, I can hardly bring myself to go through the day, let alone to go out and appear all happy and cheerful in public.

 

 

And the crazy thought process continues. They don't seem to have had a D-Day. In that case, did he meet anyone else or did he just get tired of me, inventing a D-Day? The idea of his wife being pregnant also crossed my mind. Well, I guess I will never know.

 

 

So, these thoughts have been torturing me almost all day. Here I am, at 4 am in my part of the world, unable to sleep, going over and over again the breakup, trying to convince myself that what he was saying is true. Him and I have always had a great communication and, if I had such doubts before, I could always just ask him and he would answer without a problem. However, now, I cannot do this anymore, so I am just sitting here in a total torment. The lack of contact is killing me and my mind is starting to play tricks on me, painting him into this horrible person, plotting, lying, inventing. He did it to his wife, so why not me, but I guess that's the price I have to pay for being a part of an affair. Today, I was this close to calling him and confronting him about my suspicions. However, I managed to stop myself, because this would have equaled hitting the absolute bottom. I don't even want to imagine his reaction.

 

 

One thing that I have been repeating to myself is that it really doesn't matter. It is over and that's it. However, it is somehow important to me to know what actually happened. I feel that in order for me to successfully move on, I need to know what I am getting over. Yes, I know that I am getting over an abrupt affair end, but, somehow, holding on to the good times we had has helped me a lot. In my mind, we had this wonderful thing that ended only because of D-Day. Him loving me still matters to me. Finding out that he left for one of the above reasons would crush me and would make my recovery even more difficult, but sitting here and being tormented by doubts is worse. Basically, I don't feel like I am making progress anymore and I had so much hope this morning. Even worse, I don't think I will ever know what happened. I am stuck.

 

 

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to proceed.

 

 

P.S. And I can't help but think that I deserve this.

You have to deactivate FB. It will allow you not to close it for good so its a remporary close and you need for both of you to disappear.

Hes gone...your still showing up.

Get rid of that page.

When the bubble burst from the affair bubble to the plummet into real life dday abruptly makes mm see "clear" suddenly.

He saw his pregnant W, saw his life crumbling and he picked the straight line to walk because he thought "what am I DOING"?

Sure he may think of you...but he wont obsess, he just wants to get away from the A drama and double life and back to safety. The fantasy is over. An A is like a vacation. At some point you pack up and go back home. He detached and is not thinking with his heart but his head.

[bathtub-row]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how much it hurts. I will suggest that you try to turn your thinking around and try to stop focusing on whether it's day one or day one hundred. If you can't re-focus and change your mind-set, you're not going to last and you're going to cave the moment he contacts you again, or another moment when you're driven to turn to him.

 

You would be smart to try to shake this off and remind yourself to be mature about it. You went to Vegas. You gambled. You lost. It happens every day. Not to say that doesn't bite like hell. It does. But you knew the chance you were taking -- i.e. you were gambling -- when you got involved with a married man.

 

When I was with my xMM, I knew how risky it was and I didn't want to accept it when it was over. I hoped that he wouldn't let me end it. And I thought it meant something when he came back over and over again. But it didn't. It didn't mean anything. I thought I was going to die. But I didn't die and I now realize that I don't want a man who was willing to hurt me the way he did. And, for you, you shouldn't be ok with someone who's willing to do that to you.

 

Here's the real truth, which blindsides us women all the time. Men simply do not think the way we do. Love does not hold the importance to them that it does to us. And, by that, I mean that if he's already married but loves someone else, he most likely will not leave his marriage because of the following reasons -- money, reputation, ego, pride, obligation, kids, history, and guilt. This is what you were competing with the moment you entered this relationship.

 

Men are taught very early on that if they don't fulfill their obligations and take care of their families, then they have failed as a man. So, where a woman sees walking away from a bad relationship as a logical thing to do, men see it as failure. A character flaw. That's why so many of them cheat instead of simply leaving the relationship.

 

I'm guessing that, emotionally, you meant (and still do) a lot to xMM. But you simply cannot compete with all the other factors in play. Do men sometimes leave? Of course they do but it's not often. And it's not a reflection on you or how much he loves you. Don't forget that men can be hurting like hell and never show it. I've seen this many times. And as far as marriages, people put on acts all the time and mask what's really going on. But it appears that they plan to try to get through this crisis and will probably stay together. You have been left with no choice but to walk away.

 

But don't be surprised if he contacts you again. I hope you'll be prepared for that and I hope you won't let him back into your life. There is life beyond him. I hope you'll keep that in mind while you're healing.

[solonely9]

To privategal:

 

 

I just realized that I have been obsessing over him. I am ashamed now. So immature.

 

 

To bathtub-row:

 

 

Wow! What a great insight! I really appreciate it.

 

 

Yes, I had started to realize that I need to focus my attention on something else, but, stupid of me, I checked his FB page and it feels almost as breaking NC. Also, I hope to stop counting the days soon.

 

 

And yes. XMM didn't seem to think much with his heart after D-day. He was mostly worried about his kids, which I perfectly understand, his finances, his family, and his social circle. He couldn't imagine starting from zero. Of course, in the end, he blamed it all on me, saying that he can never trust me for being a cheater myself.

 

 

One more thing that makes sense now is what you said about seeing the end of the marriage as a failure. XMM was telling me that he just cannot live with a divorce caused by him.

 

 

Finally, I am sure that they will stay together. Also, I know that my only option is to move on. I am trying to think about one year from now and I hope that I will have gotten over this by then.

[privategal]

To privategal:

 

 

I just realized that I have been obsessing over him. I am ashamed now. So immature.

 

 

To bathtub-row:

 

 

Wow! What a great insight! I really appreciate it.

 

 

Yes, I had started to realize that I need to focus my attention on something else, but, stupid of me, I checked his FB page and it feels almost as breaking NC. Also, I hope to stop counting the days soon.

 

 

And yes. XMM didn't seem to think much with his heart after D-day. He was mostly worried about his kids, which I perfectly understand, his finances, his family, and his social circle. He couldn't imagine starting from zero. Of course, in the end, he blamed it all on me, saying that he can never trust me for being a cheater myself.

 

 

One more thing that makes sense now is what you said about seeing the end of the marriage as a failure. XMM was telling me that he just cannot live with a divorce caused by him.

 

 

Finally, I am sure that they will stay together. Also, I know that my only option is to move on. I am trying to think about one year from now and I hope that I will have gotten over this by then.

No judgement it happens in the beginning but try to get in the now because its more realistic. To sit and dissect and wonder will drive you crazy.

Remember he is just being very black and white and logical. He just snapped out of it. Try to be very simple minded like "ok..this will hurt alot but its over, its best for everyone..keep going"

Be kind to yourself. Toward him..start to try and make your thoughts neutral and cold. Try to think forward.

[jenkins95]

Very good post bathtub-row. It's interesting to discuss the differences between men and women, I think you've got a lot of it right and I recognise myself in much of what you say.

 

I think that men often get into affairs because it's in our nature to seek adventure and take risks. The affair is the ultimate adrenaline rush. We push doubts and guilt and rationalisation out of our mind early on because of how great it is - and we enjoy it in the present. Somewhere in the back of our mind we tell ourselves that no one will find out and that the AP wants exactly the same out of it as us - we will have a great time and then respectfully end it when it runs its course. It's OK, everything's under control, right? No one will get hurt, right?

 

We don't plan to hurt people, raise expectations, fall in love and then start to question our own marriage and we definitely don't anticipate a d-day. However, these things often do happen, often all at once. Suddenly the bubble is burst and the devastating reality his us like a slap in the face. We then go into meltdown, complete mental breakdown, what the heck do I do now?...... This wasn't part of the plan. We never meant to hurt anyone or turn everyone's worlds upside down. This is a nightmare. Help!

 

We can be thought of as big kids whose adventure has suddenly turned to hell. We are not emotionally equipped to deal with it. Often we run, desperately try to save our marriages, do what we are told by our spouses and just lay low until the shouting stops and pain starts to go away. We still care, probably love, the OW - but we can't cope with the stress and ending the a seems like the only option available now that reality has hit home, and it is often handled badly and quickly in a rushed manner. Yes, there is much on the y chromosome that I'm not proud of. The OW DOES end up meaning a lot to us, and we often feel genuine love, but for many of the reasons already stated, many of us still don't want to leave our m or feel we can't do it. Sometimes we discover there is still love in our marriage, but we neglected it, avoided conflict and simply looked for adventure instead of dealing with issues in the m. Finally we often wake up and start dealing with it - if we are given a chance and if to much damage hasn't already been done.

 

This all also ties in with what privategal says. Great stuff all

Edited March 6, 2016 by jenkins95

[RRM321]

My belief is that love has a start and an ending, and I really don't understand why so many people will go against their feelings and desires, and would force themselves to stay in relationships that obviously don't work and will never work.

 

The opposite is also true. Many times it's our feelings or desires which are the things that don't work and will never work.

 

Yes, it is best to end relationships that don't work. When the problem is not the relationship per-se, then it's the unrealistic expectations that have to end.

[RRM321]

Here's the real truth, which blindsides us women all the time. Men simply do not think the way we do. Love does not hold the importance to them that it does to us. And, by that, I mean that if he's already married but loves someone else, he most likely will not leave his marriage because of the following reasons -- money, reputation, ego, pride, obligation, kids, history, and guilt. This is what you were competing with the moment you entered this relationship.

 

Men are taught very early on that if they don't fulfill their obligations and take care of their families, then they have failed as a man. So, where a woman sees walking away from a bad relationship as a logical thing to do, men see it as failure. A character flaw. That's why so many of them cheat instead of simply leaving the relationship.

 

I'm guessing that, emotionally, you meant (and still do) a lot to xMM. But you simply cannot compete with all the other factors in play. Do men sometimes leave? Of course they do but it's not often.

 

That's probably true but, lets not ignore from where that originates.

 

We live in a society that still morally supports women who leave and condemns men who do the same. Most of our material and legal support structure is built on this moral compass despite the significant changes in social and economic power between the sexes.

 

Men do in fact, have more to lose even when they are not the one with the social, economic, intellectual, or emotional power in a relationship.

 

With respect to affairs - it takes two to tango, and while I agree that men can be predatory, the true balance of that character portrayal is not still as we pretend and practice it to be.

[imsosad]

So sorry for your pain.

The begining is rough.

I really get what you are saying about needing to know what you are getting over. It has taken me eight long months to come to terms with the fact that i will never really know. It is hard to accept that the closure and healing will have to come from within.

It is way more important to figure out what this was for you and how you can get what you need minus the inevitable heartache of an A.

You have to stop looking at his FB page. It is just dragging you down. There is nothing for you to see there, it is mostly an image projected to the world. What do you gain by looking? Resist the urge.

I am confident that if i had not forced myself to block him on FB, there is no way i would have gotten so far in NC.

Now, i know everything that is said about your MM is interesting,and reading about your aH is boring/frustrating. Thing is, your M is the cause of your underlying unhappiness, your heartbreak over the MM is a manifestation of that unhappiness.

You will heal by also adressing this root issue.

I know you're anxious now. I dont know if your MM had a DDay or not. Point is,whichever it is, he chose his wife and family. They almost always do. Heck, why do i say them? I did too.

Remember this bottom line. Dday yes or no is irrelevant.

Take care of yourself. Big hug.