NC Day 1: Overwhelmed with anxiety

[solonely9]

Adoraxx, why did you close your thread? There was nothing wrong about it. I enjoyed your list very much actually. It is so normal what you're going through. You sound like a really sweet and sensitive person, and you write really well, too. Hugs!

[Grey Cloud]

Did you respond Grey Cloud?

 

Hi Babs, I have updated my thread with what happened

[Babsinhealing]

Well... I guess it's my turn. I guess they do always come back. 32 days NC and he reached out to me today. Texted me asking if I could text ...and when I didn't respond after an hour he wrote -he's sorry we couldn't catch up. Oh my god- the cold feeling that came over my body and the tears that welled up. I knew deep down he would because I know he's in fake R. I didn't respond - I just want to take a Xanax and go to sleep. Why do they do this to themselves.

[Grapesofwrath]

Well... I guess it's my turn. I guess they do always come back. 32 days NC and he reached out to me today. Texted me asking if I could text ...and when I didn't respond after an hour he wrote -he's sorry we couldn't catch up. Oh my god- the cold feeling that came over my body and the tears that welled up. I knew deep down he would because I know he's in fake R. I didn't respond - I just want to take a Xanax and go to sleep. Why do they do this to themselves.

 

This is an example of why blocking is useful. The sudden appearance of his text can send you into a tailspin, knocked off of your center. I would suggest blocking his number and any other means of contact that you can manage. Just keeping walking on your path.

[ShatteredLady]

SoLonely9.

 

Hugs. Have you seen a doctor & explained your symptoms?

 

You say, "This whole situation is really taking its toll on me. I started smoking again. A lot. I almost don't eat. And my period came ten days earlier from the stress."

 

When my brother died my Mum had been finished with menopause for well over a decade. Her periods started again! Of all of her symptoms, starving, hair loss, etc. the doc was most concerned with that. Do you have an medications to help you through this? It doesn't have to be antidepressants. There are many 'as needed' anxiety meds.

 

Sorry if I'm muddled with threads & you've already answered this.

 

Stay strong. One day all of this will be a distant memory. I hope that you go on to live a beautiful life.

[solonely9]

Hi, ShatteredLady.

 

No, I have not talked to my doctor yet. Right now, I feel like I don't care. I feel like I'm on the road to self-destruction.

 

Thinking about it, it is not just about the end of the affair. During the last five years, I lost almost all of my closest family and some really good friends. I didn't think that I could be happy again. Meeting this guy changed everything. I don't remember the last time I was so happy. Truly happy. So losing him as well sent me right back to hell, even worse than before.

 

I've pretty much given up on everything at the moment, but you're right, I have to do something. My period has always been right on time since the first time I got it. Before, getting it ten days earlier would have sent me to the doctor right away, but, now, I just don't care.

 

[Babsinhealing]

Hi, ShatteredLady.

 

No, I have not talked to my doctor yet. Right now, I feel like I don't care. I feel like I'm on the road to self-destruction.

 

Thinking about it, it is not just about the end of the affair. During the last five years, I lost almost all of my closest family and some really good friends. I didn't think that I could be happy again. Meeting this guy changed everything. I don't remember the last time I was so happy. Truly happy. So losing him as well sent me right back to hell, even worse than before.

 

I've pretty much given up on everything at the moment, but you're right, I have to do something. My period has always been right on time since the first time I got it. Before, getting it ten days earlier would have sent me to the doctor right away, but, now, I just don't care.

 

Solonely- that was me a few weeks ago and that is true depression. Please see your doctor this week. Medication will help rebalance you and make this emotional crisis more tolerable. You don't need to suffer anymore. It's ok to get help. (Hugs)

[heartwhole]

Oh dear, yes, please call your doctor in the morning. You are important and need to take care of yourself.

 

I can't tell you if medication is the right choice for you, but I've taken an SSRI in the past, and there's really no shame in it. You can always taper off when you've regained your footing.

 

In addition, it's important to be eating and sleeping well, exercising, and getting time in the sun.

[ShatteredLady]

SoLonely. I know! I truly do. Maybe we will meet on that same self destruction path. To be honest I'm way better at nagging other people than I am taking care of myself!!

 

Those who say "It's depression" are correct. I'm not sure how much that helped me. It's just another label of how crap I am! Do you do the self-deprecating crap too? Ugh!!

 

I know I need to control that horrible little voice in my head that's constantly bashing me...when that ones quiet the, 'you don't matter to anyone anyway' one takes over. Isolation sucks.

 

It's something I've been thinking about. I read those mush articles on the happiest people being those with family, friends, love, complete lives with lots of wonderful fun social interaction (not to mention healthy diet, 8 hours of sleep, exercise etc. ugh!!)...I just need to know how to drag my sorry bum out of bed without crying most days!!

 

I don't know how to convince you to take care of yourself....I don't know how to motivate me!!! PLEASE, PLEASE try & I promise I will too!

 

Deep down inside I know that life doesn't always suck. I used to be one of those easygoing, happy, content women. I know that kind of joy exists, healthy, happy joy! I just lost it somewhere on the path to here...

 

"2 paths diverged in the woods, I took the crappy one & it's made all the difference!"

 

Hugs.

[solonely9]

Thank you all for the support. You're wonderful.

 

And yes, I'm just great at self-deprication, especially now, especially when I was told, once again, how I'm not good enough.

 

ShatteredLady, your poem quote made me smile. Thank you for this.

 

I will speak to my doctor this week.

[anyonecandoit]

He would always complain that he is not getting enough attention from his wife. Even, sometimes, I would think that he demands too much attention from everyone. Like this was very important to him, to be the center of attention, always. So, when his wife found out and started treating him the way he wanted, he no longer needed me I guess.

 

About the crying, I really don't know what exactly happened that night. He just told me he found her all in tears and that made him make up his mind overnight.

 

Interesting. I've never heard of KISA, but I just googled it and yes, he did behave in this way. I called him like that, because he would always be extremely protective of me. Sometimes even, he would treat me as I need saving or something. On the good side, he was the most caring and attentive man I've ever been with, until, of course, he showed his real face. After the D-Day, he told me numerous times that he thought he was someone else, but that, now, he knows that he is actually very fearful and insecure.

 

After reading your story, I think this man in my situation has similar behavior. His fiance is a very short girl(no offense here, she is as short as a ten-year-old), and she is not able to get a decent job herself either. In their life, it is always he is making the decision. He likes to control things, even in office. And he likes to get attention in the office as well. He likes to see that everyone considers him to be a big hero, to be a genius. But in fact, he is smart but I don't think he is to that level that he will be the shining star everywhere. I think it's because he hasn't had any failure in his life, his ego is boosted to the level that he thinks he will get whatever he wants to get.

[Adoraxx]

Hi Solonely, I have thinking about you much and I'm wondering how you're doing... Have you gone to see the dr?

 

Love and hugs,

Adoraxx

[privategal]

After reading your story, I think this man in my situation has similar behavior. His fiance is a very short girl(no offense here, she is as short as a ten-year-old), and she is not able to get a decent job herself either. In their life, it is always he is making the decision. He likes to control things, even in office. And he likes to get attention in the office as well. He likes to see that everyone considers him to be a big hero, to be a genius. But in fact, he is smart but I don't think he is to that level that he will be the shining star everywhere. I think it's because he hasn't had any failure in his life, his ego is boosted to the level that he thinks he will get whatever he wants to get.

Either way this one seems easy to simplify....he has a fiance he can control, he doesnt flirt with women in the office for true attraction or heartfelt rimance but rather to boost his ego and make himself look and feel better...for control.

So now that you see these things, it wouldnt even matter if he became single...he isnt a good man or suitable partner. Your family probably wouldnt even like him.

And if you want to dive deeper...you were lonely, vulnerable, and striving to get to the next level and win admiration of peers and management, and you needed the ego strokes too.

In many ways the two of you are so alike only your reasons were pure.

Either way now that you are making some sense of things, I am hoping it has become easier to let him go and not feel so broken hearted.

[solonely9]

Hi, guys.

 

 

It has been a long time since I last posted and even longer since DD, more than seven months.

 

 

I AM feeling better, although still not as well as I'd wish. XMM here has been abiding strictly by his NC commitment and has not reached out to me since the last time I saw him. Honestly, that's impressive. I, on the other hand, broke NC on three occasions. I think I wrote about the first one here, I don't remember, but if I didn't, it was a classic desperate move, ringing him ten times until he finally answered and told me to leave him alone; the second time, I just sent him a generic "How are you?" message to no reply; and the third time, again a generic message, but he did respond, was very upset, and told me he wanted no relationship or contact with me whatsoever. I think I am done with reaching out. I don't want to be the crazy OW, who pops up every two months and can't seem to let go.

 

 

There is more though. His last reply was really hateful and made me feel awful. I couldn't believe it. I realized that, to him, I have become this monster from the past he wants to bury for good. By the way, I did suspect that that was the case, because he seemed to move on too quickly. The truth is that how he changed towards me has been bothering me way more than him ending the A. Actually, I HAVE come to terms with his absence from my life, but I can't get over his completely unfounded hate in regards to me. So being the person I am, one that wears her heart on her sleeve, I sat down and wrote him the most coherent email I have ever sent him since DD. This email contained seven months of thoughts, realizations, emotions, etc. My goal was for him to hear my voice, a voice he has disfigured beyond recognition in his mind, and to claim myself back from him, because I had started to perceive myself based on his actions towards me, as an awful, awful person. This time, his reply was way milder, but it doesn't really matter what he said, as I was already feeling better for just getting my words through, because he has used these months of NC not just to move on, but also to paint me into this terrible human being.

 

 

Overall, it is still hard, but I am well beyond these ugly first months. As my last posts were about depression, I did listen to your advice and was on ADs for like a month. They had no effect though. Maybe, I had to stay longer on them or switch them, I don't know, they are still an option, but I would really like to try to deal with this without meds, if possible. Also, I have not done anything from what is recommended, such as exercise, hobbies, etc. I summoned just enough energy to run on autopilot. However, I am finally starting to feel really better. I know myself. I have begun to think of new ideas and to set new goals, and that's a sign for me that I am coming out of this black hole.

 

 

Thank you, everybody, for the support! Wish you all the best!