NC Day 1: Overwhelmed with anxiety

[lemondrop21]

solonely - I'm sorry to hear that he showed up and said those things to you. The one about you being "too emotionally intense" is probably him rationalizing to himself why it's for the best that the A ended. It's hard for him to have to think about the fact that he made a choice to stay in the marriage - what if it was the wrong the choice?? Easier for him to just decide that you're probably a bit nutso .

 

Also, on a side note, I wouldn't be surprised if MM says the same thing to me as well at some point, with the way I have been acting recently. I haven't shown this much anger, yo-yo emotions, and generally irrational behavior since I was a teenager. Pre-MM I was SO stable and level-headed. People would remark on it in fact.

 

Jenkins - I lost weight, especially at first... about 15 pounds/roughly 7 or 8 kilos. I have a small frame and was already relatively slender so it definitely shows. Some people expressed concern but others complimented me on it, and I hated that. I wanted to tell them that I'd gladly take the weight back in order to not endure all of the stress I went through!

[privategal]

Adoraxx

 

I'm an MM who seems not to have been fitted with this switch that I hear that so many other MMs have! I wish I did have one! Maybe I'll have a word with a plastic surgeon to see if he can fit one in for me, and maybe I'll have a tummy tuck at the same time

 

Yes, one of my answers to stress and being down is comfort eating - as my increasingly tighter clothes will testify!

 

Anyone else suffer physical symptoms due to the stresses of their affair? My weight has been like a yo-yo this past year, and I did have some hair loss, but it's come back thankfully!

I feel like I look 10 years older. I gained weight without eating more, the depression and elevated cortisol just had me not moving and not eating much and drinking alot of beer.

I did lose hair that has yet to come back. I really really greive(d). Im so happy summer is coming. I want to feel the vitamin D and get outside and have a good summer and leave all the heartache behind.

I know for all of us though we do try to rush the healing process and think why cant I stop this, let this go...thats no good...were not robots, and judging ourselves for feeling is harsh and is a cycle too.

Tell yourself, Im geting better, its going to hurt for a long time, I am prepared for the bad days because I know they are coming. When you wake up and its a BAD day...treat yourself nicer, get soup, make tea, rest more if you can, know some good ones are coming but you gotta get through this first.

The bad days are very necessary. The deep crying and pain when you let it rise to the surface is also cleansing.

Its healing you even as it feels its killing you. We gotta let it hurt.

When the healing process is done weve become stronger due to all of it.

Hugs to each of you during this critical time. It is not forever.

[Adoraxx]

@Jenkins, I suffered from stress related hair loss and then obviously I cried and cry lots and lots. I want to soak up the vitamin D too (like privategal mentioned) but what bothers me so much is that being outside means I will hear the xMM more (he lives right behind me). Even now he's already playing his stupid music out loud again and I'm INSIDE the house and I can still hear it!! (his doors are open because the weather is getting better)

 

Anyway, so you do think that some MM's truly have this switch inside their heads which makes them move on so easily? You say that you don't have this switch, does that also mean that you're not good at compartmentalising? Just curious!! I always enjoy reading your posts btw although unfortunately I don't think my xMM is like you and I don't think he's secretly grieving the loss of me. It's like I never existed to him.

[solonely9]

I'm not too impressed with some of the things he said, and as a MM myself, I am amazed at how quickly he seems to have moved on. But his crying in the car is telling. I think I too probably gave the impression that I was moving on quickly, but inside, behind the façade, I was dying. Months later, I am still a mess. Perhaps he is carrying more pain inside than he dares admit, even to himself? Or do you think he knew you would be watching him in his car? Do you think that there was an element of him "putting on a show" for you?

 

 

Hi, jenkins95, and thank you for the kind words.

Yes, it is possible that he was putting on a show. I don't know anymore.

Yesterday, during the whole time he was talking, I had the feeling that he was trying to convince himself, not me. As I said, I didn't insist on anything and I was just listening to him. Towards the end of the conversation, he was so confused that he started saying: "I don't know anymore. I really don't know anymore." I guess that what is happening to him is that, when he is away from me, with his family and friends, with his therapist, he feels stronger and more capable of blocking his emotions. However, once we are together, he succumbs to his feelings for me, because he has not truly gotten over them yet.

[solonely9]

Hi Solonely,

 

I'm sorry to hear about what happened yesterday. On what day of NC did he reappear?

 

I agree with what the other posters said....

 

Oh, and this :

 

 

My xMM always said that he just 'turned a switch' inside his head and then he moves on (???). Very odd. I sure wish I had a switch like that too when it comes to HIM!!!! :/.

 

Hugs

 

 

Hi, Adoraxx.

We were in NC initiated by me for one week. Then, I broke it and we saw each other for coffee. Nobody said anything about NC at that meeting, but, before yesterday, it had been 24 days of zero communication. I was doing well, returning to myself and becoming more stable.

After him showing up like this though, I am pretty much back to Day 1. Yes, I was okay for a few hours after he left, but after the numbness of the shock went away, I feel completely broken. I was so tired in the afternoon that I fell asleep for like ten minutes, only to wake up suddenly by this overwhelming sense of loss, with the tears already running. I wept and wept and wept... I couldn't control myself. It was terrible.

In regards to the "switch," I was asking my therapist about it the other day and he told me that most men are very good at just turning off. I don't understand it either and I too wish that I could just switch off and move on, but I can't. I do believe though that this is not a healthy way to deal with your emotions. If you don't face your feelings and fears, and you just push them away, they will eventually eat you up.

It is probably the saddest I have ever felt, but, once I get over this, it won't bother me anymore. I don't think so in regards to xMM. He was so not convinced in what he was saying yesterday. I have been a dumpee before and I just know how it is when the dumper has made up his mind so firmly that he is like a wall, no chance there. However, yesterday, I did not see this in xMM.

Thanks again for the support.

[solonely9]

solonely - I'm sorry to hear that he showed up and said those things to you. The one about you being "too emotionally intense" is probably him rationalizing to himself why it's for the best that the A ended. It's hard for him to have to think about the fact that he made a choice to stay in the marriage - what if it was the wrong the choice?? Easier for him to just decide that you're probably a bit nutso .

 

Also, on a side note, I wouldn't be surprised if MM says the same thing to me as well at some point, with the way I have been acting recently. I haven't shown this much anger, yo-yo emotions, and generally irrational behavior since I was a teenager. Pre-MM I was SO stable and level-headed. People would remark on it in fact.

 

Jenkins - I lost weight, especially at first... about 15 pounds/roughly 7 or 8 kilos. I have a small frame and was already relatively slender so it definitely shows. Some people expressed concern but others complimented me on it, and I hated that. I wanted to tell them that I'd gladly take the weight back in order to not endure all of the stress I went through!

 

 

Lol, lemondrop21. This word "nutso" really made me laugh.

I have always been very sensitive, but I don't show it. After I get to really know someone, it is just then when I open up. People often tell me that I am extremely reserved. I have heard arrogant even. However, it is the exact opposite.

With xMM here, I was always very loving, very caring. He always used to say, he said it even yesterday, that he has never felt so loved by anyone. When he would do something I disagreed with though, I would just straight up point it out and I wasn't afraid of getting into a heated argument. He used to love this, because we would talk out every single detail and misunderstanding. He was saying he was feeling alive.

I guess that that's why he is saying I am intense. I rarely walk in the middle - either I am very loving or upset in some way.

His wife is the opposite of me. From what I know about her, she is very stable and truly reserved. So, I guess he has decided that he will be more comfortable with her, although, her being like that is the exact reason of him looking for someone else outside his marriage. Go figure...

[privategal]

@Jenkins, I suffered from stress related hair loss and then obviously I cried and cry lots and lots. I want to soak up the vitamin D too (like privategal mentioned) but what bothers me so much is that being outside means I will hear the xMM more (he lives right behind me). Even now he's already playing his stupid music out loud again and I'm INSIDE the house and I can still hear it!! (his doors are open because the weather is getting better)

 

Anyway, so you do think that some MM's truly have this switch inside their heads which makes them move on so easily? You say that you don't have this switch, does that also mean that you're not good at compartmentalising? Just curious!! I always enjoy reading your posts btw although unfortunately I don't think my xMM is like you and I don't think he's secretly grieving the loss of me. It's like I never existed to him.

Did you ever price a high privacy fence even if its just the backyard between his house and yours even if you didnt spend the money to go all the way around the yard? Orrr...is there any space in the front of the house to make a sitting area where you can relax and be outside and not see him?

The park, lake, beach, if any of those are near you...go to them.

But by all means do not be held hostage for the summer.

Take some action. Find a place to make an oasis where you can go.

Ya, he shut it off. All of it probably. Its not a switch, its just that he was a master of using the right words to get what he wanted then cut it off when he was done risking, guilty, all of those things. We romanticize it, they do not.

It may be a sweeping generalization since we see jenkins is an exception.

Your xmm was just done.

Start making a plan now for what you can do to get privacy in your yard this summer. You need your peace back. You got this girl.

[Babsinhealing]

Hi, jenkins95, and thank you for the kind words.

Yes, it is possible that he was putting on a show. I don't know anymore.

Yesterday, during the whole time he was talking, I had the feeling that he was trying to convince himself, not me. As I said, I didn't insist on anything and I was just listening to him. Towards the end of the conversation, he was so confused that he started saying: "I don't know anymore. I really don't know anymore." I guess that what is happening to him is that, when he is away from me, with his family and friends, with his therapist, he feels stronger and more capable of blocking his emotions. However, once we are together, he succumbs to his feelings for me, because he has not truly gotten over them yet.

Hi Solonely- sorry I went off the grid for a few days. I was on a business trip and working long days. I did see your update and all I can say is WOW. I can't imagine finding my XMM at my door (although it's not unrealistic). I can imagine it was emotionally draining but maybe it provided you the closure you need to just close that chapter and move on. I'm NC day 30 now. It's hard but I never, ever want to feel the way I did the day I ended it. I do have to say that I'm day 9 on antidepressants and I'm improving- finally! I'm less obsessive and more in control of my emotions. What a big difference already.

 

I know how difficult this is... Sometimes it's surreal but you deserve to be happy and you can find it again. Reach forward and pull yourself up off the ground and start walking towards happiness. It's there. I am going to keep searching for it too! (Hugs)

[Babsinhealing]

I feel like I look 10 years older. I gained weight without eating more, the depression and elevated cortisol just had me not moving and not eating much and drinking alot of beer.

I did lose hair that has yet to come back. I really really greive(d). Im so happy summer is coming. I want to feel the vitamin D and get outside and have a good summer and leave all the heartache behind.

I know for all of us though we do try to rush the healing process and think why cant I stop this, let this go...thats no good...were not robots, and judging ourselves for feeling is harsh and is a cycle too.

Tell yourself, Im geting better, its going to hurt for a long time, I am prepared for the bad days because I know they are coming. When you wake up and its a BAD day...treat yourself nicer, get soup, make tea, rest more if you can, know some good ones are coming but you gotta get through this first.

The bad days are very necessary. The deep crying and pain when you let it rise to the surface is also cleansing.

Its healing you even as it feels its killing you. We gotta let it hurt.

When the healing process is done weve become stronger due to all of it.

Hugs to each of you during this critical time. It is not forever.

Great reminder Privategal- this is not forever. We are all working hard towards healing and I've seen some changes in your posts - I feel you are moving forward. Maybe it's baby steps, like all of us, but forward nonetheless.

[Shadowburn]

Solonely, I am so sorry this selfish jerk did that to you. The gall - showing up at your door to tell you that you were not good enough for him, really? You should've kicked his sorry ass out of your house right after those words, who the hell he thinks he is!

 

Let him go to back to his marriage that he wants so bad that he can't leave you alone, he does not deserve your friendship or anything else.

Love and hugs!

[privategal]

Great reminder Privategal- this is not forever. We are all working hard towards healing and I've seen some changes in your posts - I feel you are moving forward. Maybe it's baby steps, like all of us, but forward nonetheless.

 

Thats so nice of you Babs! We gotta all just stick together and keep trying! Solonely, hope you are ok!!

[Dylon]

Today, xMM here showed up out of nowhere at my door. Shocked is a pretty weak word to describe how I felt, when I saw him. He apologized for his unannounced visit and said that he just wanted a friendly closure. As you know, I broke NC once, but, when we met, we didn't talk about our situation. This time, we did.

 

 

Honestly, I do not remember every detail of the conversation, as I was focused on not falling into million pieces and on not crying in front of him. I had decided that, if we talk again about the affair, I won't insist, argue, or ask too many questions. I was pretending to be really calm and understanding.

 

 

Here is what I remember though, said in first person, him talking:

1) I had started to have doubts about you before DD. You are too emotional and intense to make a good long-term partner.

2) I was thinking about ending it with you before DD, because I had started to realize that what we had was not worth it me ruining my marriage.

3) On the other hand, I wish we had met under different circumstances, so we could have tested our relationship in real life. I am pretty sure though that we would have burnt fast.

4) I want us to be friends.

 

Ouch, that was painful to read, to see how confusing the whole conversation was, and to see that you two broke NC. Only you know him best what he implied because being there once myself as the mm, I have no idea what all that meant other than lots of messed up feelings going on in his head. First, #1.

 

1) I had started to have doubts about you before DD. You are too emotional and intense to make a good long-term partner.

This tends to be true in most OW cases, but it's not because of the person, but because of the situation you are in. The situation created this or only someone like this can be the OW. I like to believe it's the former.

 

2) I was thinking about ending it with you before DD, because I had started to realize that what we had was not worth it me ruining my marriage.

#2 relates to one. Can't really judge the OW in such a delicate situation. It's so unfair. I judge my AP like this too in my mind. However, I realize under different situation, I'm sure she would have been different.

 

3) On the other hand, I wish we had met under different circumstances, so we could have tested our relationship in real life. I am pretty sure though that we would have burnt fast.

You see how confused he is contradicting himself. He wish you have met under different circumstances to test the relationship, nulling his #1 and #2 comments without realizing it.

 

4) I want us to be friends.

Can't let go. We all did that. However with DD happened already, neither he or you should give that a try, even if it's remotely possible, which isn't! So he knows....can't have, can't let go.

 

 

The only question I asked him was how he was able to move on so quickly, something that many posters here have been wondering. And guess what? Compartmentalizing!!! I said: "How did you get over your feelings?," to which he replied: "I have not gotten over them yet, but I have chosen not to feel anything. I have chosen to block my emotions in regards to you." Well, good luck with that! I hope it works for him.

Nah, I don't buy it. It could be true with some people. It could be true with him, but this comment means nothing IMO. I could say it and not mean it. I could say it not knowing what I'm talking about. I could just be forcing an answer. Your guess is better than all over us.

 

 

After another few minutes of silence, he finally said: "You know what? I decided that we cannot be friends. I like being with you too much, so, in order to be fair to my marriage, I can never see you or talk to you again. I have to keep on blocking my emotions." Then, he jumped, said "good bye," and left. I was watching him through the window. He cried for ten minutes in his car before driving away.

Yeah, this push and pull, if you allow it will last a very long time. I see that you have better control of the situation than him. He's a mess.

 

I admit it. I was about to cry at one point, because his words still hurt, but not as much as before.

That's a good sign and it's why I think you are the stronger one and the one who can end this. Not him. He came and said nothing, other then to speak out his jumbled thoughts. Don't let those words hurt you. It truly meant nothing about his feelings torwards you. It said only one thing: I want to stay married and this is killing me. It needs to end. Let it. Edited April 2, 2016 by Dylon

[Dylon]

@Jenkins, I suffered from stress related hair loss and then obviously I cried and cry lots and lots. I want to soak up the vitamin D too (like privategal mentioned) but what bothers me so much is that being outside means I will hear the xMM more (he lives right behind me). Even now he's already playing his stupid music out loud again and I'm INSIDE the house and I can still hear it!! (his doors are open because the weather is getting better)

 

Couldn't find any evidence of hair loss and stress. I was searching for why I saw more hair on my comb during the last few months of the affair so I did some research. It's here that I heard from you and another that it's true. Once you get over this, your hair will come back. I'm happy with my hair again. That's just terrible you are so close to him .

 

Anyway, so you do think that some MM's truly have this switch inside their heads which makes them move on so easily?

 

I don't believe there's a switch but some people are good at distracting themselves, keeping themselves busy. Others just dwell on emotions and drown in them. That's me. However, being married keeps you busy and distracted. Not that it's a switch, but his married world is a different world than his world with you. She's the ow from you and you are the ow from her.

 

Hope things get better for you soon.

[Adoraxx]

Did you ever price a high privacy fence even if its just the backyard between his house and yours even if you didnt spend the money to go all the way around the yard? Orrr...is there any space in the front of the house to make a sitting area where you can relax and be outside and not see him?

The park, lake, beach, if any of those are near you...go to them.

But by all means do not be held hostage for the summer.

Take some action. Find a place to make an oasis where you can go.

Ya, he shut it off. All of it probably. Its not a switch, its just that he was a master of using the right words to get what he wanted then cut it off when he was done risking, guilty, all of those things. We romanticize it, they do not.

It may be a sweeping generalization since we see jenkins is an exception.

Your xmm was just done.

Start making a plan now for what you can do to get privacy in your yard this summer. You need your peace back. You got this girl.

 

Hi privategal, I do have a fence around my backyard so that's good. It's just that I can't block out the sounds . I can't sit in the front of the house because it's too cold and shadowy there... The area we live is truly not nice; no parks/ lakes/ beaches BUT the good thing is that we're looking hard at new houses 90 mins away from here and I so so so hope that we can go there!!! Like you said: I need my peace back!!!!

 

Hugs!!

[Adoraxx]

Couldn't find any evidence of hair loss and stress. I was searching for why I saw more hair on my comb during the last few months of the affair so I did some research. It's here that I heard from you and another that it's true. Once you get over this, your hair will come back. I'm happy with my hair again. That's just terrible you are so close to him .

 

 

 

I don't believe there's a switch but some people are good at distracting themselves, keeping themselves busy. Others just dwell on emotions and drown in them. That's me. However, being married keeps you busy and distracted. Not that it's a switch, but his married world is a different world than his world with you. She's the ow from you and you are the ow from her.

 

Hope things get better for you soon.

 

Thanks Dylon!!

[Grey Cloud]

@Jenkins, I suffered from stress related hair loss and then obviously I cried and cry lots and lots. I want to soak up the vitamin D too (like privategal mentioned) but what bothers me so much is that being outside means I will hear the xMM more (he lives right behind me). Even now he's already playing his stupid music out loud again and I'm INSIDE the house and I can still hear it!! (his doors are open because the weather is getting better)

 

Anyway, so you do think that some MM's truly have this switch inside their heads which makes them move on so easily? You say that you don't have this switch, does that also mean that you're not good at compartmentalising? Just curious!! I always enjoy reading your posts btw although unfortunately I don't think my xMM is like you and I don't think he's secretly grieving the loss of me. It's like I never existed to him.

 

Adoraxx - I do believe my xMM has that switch. I don't think he has necessarily dealt with his emotions and feelings, just pushed them far down. Hence, things are great for him.

 

The reason why I know that is that NC was broken yesterday on day 30 of all days! I will update my thread when I get a chance. In one sentence he is saying life is great for him, the next sentence he is saying he thinks about me a lot and feels sad. I think he manages to talk himself into thinking things are great now but I do believe he is generally a lot happier without all the stress/guilt/emotion/lying that comes with an A.

[Grey Cloud]

Adoraxx

 

I'm an MM who seems not to have been fitted with this switch that I hear that so many other MMs have! I wish I did have one! Maybe I'll have a word with a plastic surgeon to see if he can fit one in for me, and maybe I'll have a tummy tuck at the same time

 

Yes, one of my answers to stress and being down is comfort eating - as my increasingly tighter clothes will testify!

 

Anyone else suffer physical symptoms due to the stresses of their affair? My weight has been like a yo-yo this past year, and I did have some hair loss, but it's come back thankfully!

 

Jenkins - weight loss for me and I am already quite slender so didn't have any to lose! I just can't eat when my stomach is in knots!

[jenkins95]

......Yes, I was okay for a few hours after he left, but after the numbness of the shock went away, I feel completely broken. I was so tired in the afternoon that I fell asleep for like ten minutes, only to wake up suddenly by this overwhelming sense of loss, with the tears already running. I wept and wept and wept... I couldn't control myself. It was terrible......

 

(((solonely)))

 

He was so selfish and look what at he's done to you. That little meeting was purely for his own closure/benefit/whatever. He didn't consider what it would do to you. You have seen that you are better off without him, you now just need to go through the long, cold haul of NC. As long as he stays away, time is the only thing in your way to recovery. And to think, I was feeling weak myself earlier in the week and considered reaching out to OW - your story demonstrates what a stupid, selfish crazy thing it would have been.

 

Have are you feeling today? You are with friends here. Keep posting

Edited April 2, 2016 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

Jenkins - weight loss for me and I am already quite slender so didn't have any to lose! I just can't eat when my stomach is in knots!

 

Yes, I found that when things were "really" bad, I just couldn't eat a thing - it didn't even cross my mind to want to eat and I lost lots of weight.

 

But when things are just "normal" bad, then I find myself on the seefood diet - i.e. see food and eat it - anything, everything Comfort eating I guess.

 

My weight has been all over the place, and I really want to start to get it under control now.

 

Uncontrollable shaking has been another thing. The day I lost my job, my boss found me at my desk distant, unreachable and shaking. He asked me to step into his office - I kind of knew immediately it wouldn't be about a pay rise

 

The shaking is much better now. It just comes occasionally in down moments.

[jenkins95]

You say that you don't have this switch, does that also mean that you're not good at compartmentalising? Just curious!! I always enjoy reading your posts btw although unfortunately I don't think my xMM is like you and I don't think he's secretly grieving the loss of me. It's like I never existed to him.

 

(((Adoraxx)))

 

Well, during the affair, I was definitely good at compartmentalising! 50% of my efforts energy went into family life, 50% to the A, and the two were kept very carefully apart with lies and deceit - yep, typical compartmentalising MM on that score.

 

But it's after the affair that it's broken down to me. Some xMMs seem to be able to absorb the lost 50% back inside and reallocate it to their marriage, so they go from 50/50 to 100/0.

 

But with me, it's now more like 50/0, if that makes sense! I feel the loss of what we had and I miss OW a lot - and feel awful for the pain she suffered. As well as that of course, I feel guilty and terrible at what I've done to my family and am also coming to terms with the knowledge that I am not the person that I thought I was. I thought I was a good man - the type who helps old ladies across the road, and yet in the past year, I have caused pain and devastation to several people - it's hard to live with sometimes.

 

But at least I am on the right path now - with you great guys!

[Babsinhealing]

Wow- I can't believe how many xMM have broken NC this week. Something must be in the water. So far so good for me - it was 30 days yesterday so my xMM must be moving forward as am I. Stay strong everyone!

[Pili-Pala]

The reason why I know that is that NC was broken yesterday on day 30 of all days! I will update my thread when I get a chance. In one sentence he is saying life is great for him, the next sentence he is saying he thinks about me a lot and feels sad. I think he manages to talk himself into thinking things are great now but I do believe he is generally a lot happier without all the stress/guilt/emotion/lying that comes with an A.

 

There does seem to be a lot of breaking NC across all our stories, but I suppose hardly surprising when we are all running along very similar timelines (and in some cases A experiences). It's comforting in some ways as I can see it is a like a pattern and that takes the emotion out for me, "dehumanises" it in a way. Its just another obstacle we all have to get through on our journey. But it is also interesting how different the experiences can be in the individual cases. Helps me to look at my own situation with different perspectives. I shall await your update GC!

[Babsinhealing]

Adoraxx - I do believe my xMM has that switch. I don't think he has necessarily dealt with his emotions and feelings, just pushed them far down. Hence, things are great for him.

 

The reason why I know that is that NC was broken yesterday on day 30 of all days! I will update my thread when I get a chance. In one sentence he is saying life is great for him, the next sentence he is saying he thinks about me a lot and feels sad. I think he manages to talk himself into thinking things are great now but I do believe he is generally a lot happier without all the stress/guilt/emotion/lying that comes with an A.

Did you respond Grey Cloud?

[solonely9]

Hi, everybody, and thank you so much for all the support. I don't know what I would do without this forum.

 

Yesterday was terrible, NC Day 1 yet again. This whole situation is really taking its toll on me. I started smoking again. A lot. I almost don't eat. And my period came ten days earlier from the stress.

 

Also, I feel extremely tired, which helps me sleep, but, lately, I dream about xMM all the time. This morning, I woke up from yet another dream with him. His wife was also in it and they seemed really happy. Ugh! I feel like a hostage. There is no escape from him.

 

Why did he have to show up like this and reject me yet again? It was so cruel of him, dragging me into his confusion and destroying me with his insecurity; "oh, poor me, I am so indecisive that I was holding on to you, but I don't think I'm ever coming back. I can now change my memories of you. I can convince myself that what we had was not real."

 

The only thing I'm glad about is that I didn't succumb to begging him and trying to change his mind. This was not hard, because I've made up my mind. I don't want him.

 

He, however, is still so confused. During this whole ordeal, he didn't make one single decision! This was up to everybody else involved, his wife, his therapist, me, but never him. The other day, after his speech, he told me that he expected me to get upset with him, to kick him out, and to cut him off forever. He wanted to be the victim again. He wanted to have yet another reason to justify his opinion of how "intense" I am for him, how unfit to be his partner. I think that me being calm and kind surprised him really unpleasantly. He was like: "Oh, no. It is up to me now. I don't know what to do."

 

Anyway. For me, this thing between us couldn't be more over. I will never let him in my life again. I just want to calm down and move on, but damn is it hard.

[Grapesofwrath]

Anxiety tends to be the result of worry about the future. If you can, try to stay in the present moment. Re-read what you wrote to us about his behavior and what this reveals about his character. Try not to "go future" on the situation.

 

It may not feel like it now, but he has done you a big favor by showing you who he is. You can take this time to turn your thoughts toward yourself. What is going on with you? With your marriage? What changes would you like to make in order to feel more peace and happiness in your life?