Author solonely9 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Share Posted March 4, 2016 You are right. I do contradict myself. I'm talking about beginnings and endings, but I'm not actually doing it. I agree. I should be honest with my husband and leave him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 They all say things they go back on when it suits them. I also have read that suddenly the AP becomes the villainess of the drama and the wife becomes the good fairy. ...especially after a Dday when reality hits home. Anybody who has been in an A will agree that there is a loss of dignity at some point. It's not a permanent condition though. Pick yourself up and decide what you want to do about your marriage. Poppy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 They all say things they go back on when it suits them. I also have read that suddenly the AP becomes the villainess of the drama and the wife becomes the good fairy. ...especially after a Dday when reality hits home. Anybody who has been in an A will agree that there is a loss of dignity at some point. It's not a permanent condition though. Pick yourself up and decide what you want to do about your marriage. Poppy. I think this goes in line with the Conflict Drama, of which there are 3 players: the Victim, the Hero, and the Villain. Just from what I have read that in any given situation these roles are not static, and are in fact highly interchangeable, especially in regards to an affair dynamic. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201106/the-relationship-triangle 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 (edited) The post below is written using the BS/WS dynamic, but the reasoning for why this occurs can still apply to your situation. Basically, it is much easier to be entitled when you feel your actions are justified. For example, it's much easier (less guilt) to cheat on a wife that is a raging b*tch than to cheat on a wife that has a few shortcomings. Or it's much easier to forego accountability to the AP you never really liked than one you were madly in love with. It's not personal; it's just the way the cookie crumbles. I'm sorry. The Halo and Horns Effect ~ Infidelity Help Group Edited March 4, 2016 by OneLov 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 Loyal and stable are some of the words he used to describe his wife as well. However, before, she was mean, cold, and boring. Those words are used to make you feel like you're fantastic .... and provide the kindness, warmth and excitement his wife doesn't. To make you feel special.. usually works as well. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 Yes. He said that he cannot get over how our relationship started and that he will always wonder what I am up to. We also had this very heavy conversation about why he didn't "pick me." Basically, he said that he picked to stay with his wife, because she will never do something like this. As I said in my post, he ended up painting me into this bad person, while his wife was all good and vertuous. It is not uncommon. He way he looks at it now is that YOU cheated on your husband and YOU didn't care that he had a wife. YOU were quite happy sneaking around behind everyone's back, so when the chips are down and he has to make a stark choice, he looks at the "best bet" for him and the best bet is then the faithful wife at home. He conveniently forgets his input into the whole scenario. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 Those words are used to make you feel like you're fantastic .... and provide the kindness, warmth and excitement his wife doesn't. To make you feel special.. usually works as well. It also serves to elevate the MM to the position of "victim" - he is not then a man cheating on his lovely wife, a man simply out for "extra" - he is the victim of circumstances. He is not a rotter, far from it, he is just a poor man who is reaching out for the love that is being denied him by his harridan of a wife... 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 I hope you're not talking to him still? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 (edited) No friends. No nothing. He's said enough to you to warrant an eternity of "eff off" from you. Go NC for your sanity, don't even tell him, don't engage, don't respond. Five months is not that long. You didn't want to be in a relationship with this guy. Tell yourself this: you didn't want him. He future faked you and made you into a basket case. You need to understand that keeping nc is crucial to you. Some marriages recover after dday, and they seem to be on that path. The attention, the finally getting what was missing. You will be the terrible mistake in that case, and if you stay in contact the crazy stalker who's not leaving them alone. Please don't, there's nothing in it for you. He'll only step all over you to convince him of how great his wife is. Last, if you want to read another classic case of MM, read my letter threads from fall of 2012. It includes commentaries on the friendship proposal (to the best of my recollection, I haven't checked them for the longest time because it just makes me cringe). Stay nc and it willget better. Edited March 4, 2016 by cutedragon 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 solonely9 (((hug))). So sorry that you are going through this hell. You are amongst friends here - people who have been through similar experiences and feel your pain. You summed it up really well here: - ......That's it. I don't deserve this. I'm going NC. Sticking to that will be your quickest route to recovery. Look at almost all the threads of those of us here in recovery after an affair and you will find those threads littered with people breaking NC, re-starting NC, breaking NC, restarting NC, etc, etc. Each time, more damage is done, more heart-break and confusion is caused and any progress that was made is lost and has to start from step one again. Be strong solonely9 - start NC and stick to it completely. Your MM seems all over the place and was very cruel to you. I admit that I was also a little like this at the end of my A - I was too busy breaking down myself to give enough concern to others. You are right - you don't deserve this. Don't contact him - contact LS. We are here for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 (edited) Outstanding post RRM321. Having been through the circle of loving wife, feeling out of love with wife, falling for OW, seeing the A for what it was, falling back in love with my wife, regretting bad choices, etc, etc, I totally agree with these sentiments. So much of it is a choice. solonely - was there ever true love between you and H? If so and if you both want it, you CAN love your husband again. I hope it's not too late. Don't assume that you have to leave him while your head is all over the place. Talk to him, give yourself a little time to recover. Your head and your thought processes are all over the place - like a plate of spaghetti just after an affair. Get the AP well and truly out of your life first before making decisions about your marriage. These two thoughts (above, your words) best describe how you got here. Falling in love is easy - all it takes is enough eye contact combined with sustained and escalating mutual disclosure. You did that with your husband by dating, and then with your AP through sex. The real trick is staying in love which is a choice. Life will present you with this choice over, and over, and over again with innumerable variation. Staying in love can be as easy as making consistent choices. Affairs are created inside a delusion. It's both failing to choose, and choosing something you can't actually attain. They are unattainable fantasy with an unavailable partner; a perpetual loop distressed whenever reality intrudes. You're not in love with your husband because somewhere along the line you chose something different than you had previously, but failed to act on it (separation/divorce). Who are you really cheating in this scenario? The only person I see being cheated is YOU! You gave up on your first choice, replaced it with the something impossible, and now essentially have neither. I think your best choice was the first one. Hopefully, he will still choose you. Edited March 4, 2016 by jenkins95 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solonely9 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Share Posted March 4, 2016 Hi and thank you for all the support. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to my post. It has been very helpful to hear other voices and perspectives, outside of this toxic bubble I've been in for the last few weeks. Since the last night, he contacted me once again, saying he was sorry for losing our love and insisting on being friends. He said that he couldn't imagine me disappearing forever from his life. However, I'm 100% determined to stay in NC. I know that it is going to hurt like hell, it already is, but I really feel like I have nothing else to tell him. Stayng in touch will only keep on bringing me down. I can't hear anymore of his "sorry" and "friends." In regards to my marriage, I really don't know what I'm going to do. Even before the affair, I had started to think it was over. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 (edited) In regards to my marriage, I really don't know what I'm going to do. Even before the affair, I had started to think it was over. Ahh, which goes against what you said here: I really don't understand why so many people will go against their feelings and desires, and would force themselves to stay in relationships that obviously don't work and will never work. It's not easy admitting to the death of a relationship, especially a long term one with children. But if you are engaging in an affair, having sex with someone else in your husband's home, showing a general lack of regard for your partner I am all for divorce. Reconciliation is very difficult (near impossible) when the disrespect is high. But it is hard, and I do believe your husband has a right to know. When it finally got to the point where my ex husband and I needed a divorce I could not even say the words out loud. He had to say it for me. What have you done to help resolve your marital issues? Edited March 4, 2016 by Ms. Faust 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solonely9 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Share Posted March 4, 2016 You're right. I have been totally desrespectful in regards to my husband. However, I'm still going through the mess of this affair, so my thoughts and feelings are exclusively focused on the AP. I know that it sounds horrible and selfish, but I just don't have the strenght to think about both my marriage and my affair at the same time. Also, it would be unfair, if I just run to my husband, because it didn't work out with the other guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 "I know that it sounds horrible and selfish, but I just don't have the strenght to think about both my marriage and my affair at the same time. " Did you ever think you would utter these words when you were getting married? But you are correct, time to focus on you first. NC means MC. Trust me he'll contact you again. Stay firm. Just remember what he said about being with a "woman like you". Wish you luck. As always when you get it all together, stay on this forum and warn anyone thinking about an A 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 Loyal and stable are some of the words he used to describe his wife as well. However, before, she was mean, cold, and boring. A lot of MM love to rewrite their marital history when it benefits them. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 A lot of MM love to rewrite their marital history when it benefits them. They also love to rewrite their affair history when it benefits them too. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 He is not your friend. Protect yourself and go NC. I get that you can't think about your M right now. With time, your heart and mind will clear and you will get your sense of self back. Then will be the time to address the really important issue in your life,which is-is your M salvageable? I think that when a MW has an affair, it is often some type of exit/savior fantasy. This guy is not the answer to your unhappiness. They never are. Affairs just cause more trouble, heartache and destruction.Often, they happen on top of a volatile situation and instead of sloutions,they create a ton of new problems. Guess how i came to this conclusion... You will get through this, you really will. This heartbreaking experience will force you to make true,healthy changes in your life that will make you truely happy. Hugs. I know you're hurting now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solonely9 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Share Posted March 4, 2016 Hi, imsosad. Yes, I know. I can't imagine being friends with him. In his last emails, he would address me with "hey, friend" or "how are you, friend," and this would make me sick. It is so awkward, so fake. And yes, I'm determined to stay in NC. I have nothing to tell him. It hurts though, a lot, but it will hurt more seeing him and pretending, while dying on the inside. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 Okay, so much to say: 1. I'm not certain why you are shocked at how this ended or his actions since then. You were the side chick. If he told you at the start that he was never leaving his wife for you he was telling you that you would always be the side chick. He'd tell you that he loved you, he'd cry to you and all of that, but that is because you were for a limited purpose. A fantasy even. Please do not take this the wrong way and I am NOT say that being an OW is being a lady of the evening, but if you read what many of them have written, they almost universally say that the men sometimes just want to talk or cry or let their guard down in a way that they feel they can't with their wives. Not every case, but it is such a common thing that its amazing. Bottom line, you served a purpose to him but were not a partner. He did not see you that way. Still doesn't. That is why he "insists that you be friends". He gets to use you for his purposes. 2. No better time than now to tell you husband. One of two things is going to happen. He's gonna beg you to stay, forgive you and pretty much let you know that he can't bear the thought of losing you. On the other hand, he's gonna tell you to GTFO. In that case, there is no dealing with him. Its over. Move on. OR you might have that same feeling that OM has demonstrated. Once the fantasy bubble is burst, you might realize he was just a side piece too. Nothing will wake you up faster than the pain and devastation you inflict on your Husband in which case you will be cold and harsh to OM or the realization that your Marriage really is over and you can get a move on with the rest of your life. It will be quite liberating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solonely9 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Share Posted March 4, 2016 Hi, bigman1. No, he does not see me as a potential partner and, as I said, that's what hurt the most. Also, he is the one who started talking about leaving his wife. Anyway. It is a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 Hi, imsosad. Yes, I know. I can't imagine being friends with him. In his last emails, he would address me with "hey, friend" or "how are you, friend," and this would make me sick. It is so awkward, so fake. And yes, I'm determined to stay in NC. I have nothing to tell him. It hurts though, a lot, but it will hurt more seeing him and pretending, while dying on the inside. You have to block him on all social media. If need be, create a new email address. No more reading his emails, that is breaking NC (on your own end) even if you don't reply back. NC = No new hurts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 I understand that he does not see you as a partner. My point is that this was always the case. The fantasy part of being in an affair is that you think its love, its real, etc., but once reality hits, you wake up from that. In your case, he told you going in that you were not partner material and you told him the same thing. Along the way, you all started acting like what you had was real. You believed it was real. Then, he had his Dday and he woke up and said, "WTF is wrong with me"? He saw real reactions from his wife. Your problem is that you are still thinking that you had something. Your only consequence is that he woke up. Well, actually, he's still trying to get with you, but he's letting you know that the original rules still apply. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solonely9 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Share Posted March 4, 2016 Yes, I guess that's always been the case, but we got lost in the affair. You're right. I still think we had something. Never thought about it in this way, but, now, that you pointed it out, yes, I think that's exactly what I'm struggling it. Can't let go of that "something." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
13Hearts Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 Loyal and stable are some of the words he used to describe his wife as well. However, before, she was mean, cold, and boring. Right. Their descriptions suit whatever they need them to at whatever time their lips are flapping. Link to post Share on other sites
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