NC Day 1: Overwhelmed with anxiety

[privategal]

Hi, everybody. I have some news.

 

 

Yesterday morning, I woke up very sad, so I broke NC. I called him and I invited him for coffee. He agreed right away and told me that this zero communication thing had been really hard on him as well and that he had thought of contacting me too, but had decided to respect my wishes.

 

 

Overall, I do not feel like I am back to square one. It was a very strange meeting though. It was both like old times and like something completely new. We talked about the same things as before, we joked, and we laughed. To be honest, it was very nice seeing him, as I really missed our friendship. Also, I went to this meeting with zero expectations of rekindling the affair. This one week of NC and this forum really helped me to realize a lot of truths and to distance myself from him.

 

 

As I said above already though, it was a weird meeting as well. I was looking at him and I couldn't stop wondering what happened between us. I was also thinking that, if it wasn't for DD, we would be sitting at the coffee place, holding hands and kissing. I admit. I did want to touch him on a few occasions, but, honestly, not sexually. I just miss how close we were. I don't know about him though. I couldn't read him very well. He is either a great actor or he has really moved on. There was definitely something distant in his eyes and in his tone though. Also, he was very excited about his job and is planning to go live in another city. Yes, overall, he looked more than done with the affair.

 

 

Again, honestly, I don't feel shattered by seeing him moving on. However though, there was some sadness to it all, but I don't know how to describe it exactly. Personally, I am not sad. I am pretty okay, actually, but, I guess, I am sad about the people we used to be only a month ago, about those two fools, running around, loving each other like crazy, dreaming. I am sad about them, because they were living in a fantasy, lying to themselves, thinking that nothing can affect them, and that they will be together forever.

 

 

I don't know. It was a strange, strange day.

I fear that you are doing ok because you got a huge hit yesterday. Your mind is distracted by recalling the details and a warm reception.

Be careful is all. You are not out of the woods but if you want to be, even though it will tear you apart in ways...1 week NC could turn into 3, 4, 8 weeks and time makes you stronger.

I dont want to give you false hope, you have gotta greive it.

You gotta really be done and I suspect you have that inner voice feeding you hope...see, he wanted to meet me too, we could have coffee.

Its not over yet.

Not until you realize NC means FOREVER. Please dont try the friends route.

[Babsinhealing]

YES - me too! If he were to tell me, I need to fix my marriage because I love her and want to be happy again, I would die for awhile, but know he was doing the right thing for the right reasons. Instead, he says things like, "There's no right answer," "It sucks no matter what," "Whatever we choose it all falls apart," "Sometimes I want us to just run off but the aftermath would be too awful", "I have no great plans, I don't know what to try." All these indecisive things that just leave me filled with doubt and confusion about if he wants to do what's right or just what helps his guilty conscience at any given moment. His wife knows about me, so it's not like there's the threat of a DD, though she has no idea the extent of our relationship (she'd be an idiot not to suspect, though). He has said he's unhappy with her many times, though less recently. I know she is angry and full of resentment, but loves him and just wants to hold their family together at any cost. And he recognizes that staying with her and pretending is way easier than destroying everything. He's right, I know.

 

If I could know he's doing what he's doing for the right reasons, I feel like I could maybe live with it. But knowing he's a big fat faker trying to cover everything over and just exist in an unhappy life because it's easier for him that way...well, it just sucks.

Exactly- we parted nicely but he said a few things to me that were confusing and implied he wasn't totally shutting the door on us forever. But I am determined to stay NC and have no plans of trying to re-open it. To be fair, I know if my xMM walked away from his marriage now he would take a huge hit from his family. His wife's mother is dying of cancer and they have been married 25 years. He would look like a monster- deserting her and cheating on her. However, I do believe there is going to come a day in the future when he's going to say... Enough. It may not be this month or this year but he checked out of his marriage a few years before he had an A preparing himself to leave. Now he knows what's out there (not necessarily me per day) but there is the possibility of finding happiness and intimacy again so I'm sure that will eventually eat him alive. But I agree, if he told me he loved her - the grieving wouldn't change but I would be grieving with less confusion. I never once felt he loved her. I heard him talk to her on the phone 100s of times - it was very business like, they never did anything together alone outside of their kids and he obviously did not respect her with some of the actions he did with me (even while on the phone with her).

[solonely9]

To Babsinhealing:

That's exactly how I feel, too, Babsinhealing. Again, I don't want to assume anything, but he just doesn't seem to really be working on his marriage. I did not expect him to accept my invitation, but he did. How is this fair to his wife, if he claims that he is trying hard to fix their relationship? All he was saying yesterday was that the situation at home has started to finally calm down. Okay, good, but is this your goal? Wasn't it your intention to reconnect to your spouse and to better your marriage? I guess not. He is just waiting for the storm to go away. However, one day, he will be miserable again, because he puts almost no effort in improving his marriage. On the other hand though, I think that he has decided that his own happiness is not as important as the other things he might lose.

 

 

To jenkins95:

Happy 100 days of NC! By the way, you are one of the exceptions I was referring to. And yes, you got it right. It was not a heartbreaking meeting. Also, none of us tried to rekindle the affair or something like that. As I mentioned it already, it was a little sad though and strange in a way. And yes again, him moving to another city is going to hurt, but there is nothing I can do about it. I hope that he is finally happy there.

[privategal]

Solonely,

When I moved away from xmm to a new city, he hugged me and met 3 times with me for coffee to say goodbye and I said we'll be friends and write and I will be home to visit friends and family.

He ghosted me after I moved.

I think he saw the chance to start fresh and move on from this painful chapter of the a ending etc.

You might want to take control and go stern hard nc now in order to prevent that transition from hurting deeply.

I really feel your in denial and feel like you have a handle on this.

You were in nc and woke up sad, not only broke it, but met him in person.

You cannot expect the upcoming weak times and pain.

If you think you can be casual friends, please read my story.

The rollercoaster of that does not end.

It hurts and keeps you stuck.

You havent truly begun greiving.

It takes total acceptance and detachmebt from communicating to begin the greiving and healing.

Please protect your heart here.

No judgement for breaking nc but for your own good...hes moving on and physically moving to a new city.

You dont need a front row seat to that.

Please see he got a huge ego stroke from you reaching out and missing him.

Be happy for him as you say you are by now letting him totally go...for you.

Friendship afterword is a first class ticket to deeper heartache and prolonged healing. Think about only you now.

[Pili-Pala]

To Babsinhealing:

That's exactly how I feel, too, Babsinhealing. Again, I don't want to assume anything, but he just doesn't seem to really be working on his marriage. I did not expect him to accept my invitation, but he did. How is this fair to his wife, if he claims that he is trying hard to fix their relationship? All he was saying yesterday was that the situation at home has started to finally calm down. Okay, good, but is this your goal? Wasn't it your intention to reconnect to your spouse and to better your marriage? I guess not. He is just waiting for the storm to go away. However, one day, he will be miserable again, because he puts almost no effort in improving his marriage. On the other hand though, I think that he has decided that his own happiness is not as important as the other things he might lose.

 

Babsinhealing & Solonely - I think all our situations are very similar on this point; and I often get annoyed and frustrated and upset that he doesn't seem to be actually working on fixing his marriage. I completely feel I honestly would feel a lot better if I knew that us ending meant that he and his W would get to a better place - and the fact it seems they are not even working towards that (and just brushing it under the carpet again) makes it so much harder for me to bear. But then I keep reminding myself of advice I have read in this forum; and how that is all his stuff now and I have my stuff and I need to concentrate on me and forget about him and his marriage. I need to stop involving myself in his marriage - even if it is just me in my head that is creating the involvement.

 

I started therapy again this week and my therapist summed my situation up very well I thought. He said that I have spent the past two years trying to help him fix himself and his situation. He reflected that I then spent the 5 weeks post Dday trying to help him and support him through his period of indecision - then when I decided to walk away I was left alone. As in, he can't provide the same support to me. He can't help me to work out what I do next and how I move forward and I am left feeling "what about me?". So I have to concentrate on me now. All that energy I am putting into thinking about him and his situation I need to focus back on me now, and give myself support and help and get me to where I want to be.

 

I know its so tempting to think and dwell on whether xMM is fixing things at home or not, believe me, I do it constantly still, I am by no means "fixed" on that point - but I think I am starting to make some progress on it slowly. And as a few pointed out, and what I try to focus on, is I don't really know for sure anyway - yes I can go by past experience, my knowledge of him, and what I know and don't know they are "doing" - but only they know the truth of the situation, so what is the point in me speculating anyway. And at the end of the day - how is it helping me?

[Ophelia25]

As in, he can't provide the same support to me. He can't help me to work out what I do next and how I move forward and I am left feeling "what about me?". So I have to concentrate on me now. All that energy I am putting into thinking about him and his situation I need to focus back on me now, and give myself support and help and get me to where I want to be.

 

This intrigues me. Please, no one take this personally, I don't want to be insulting. But one of the things that keeps me so miserable is thinking about, well, ME. I realize that part of that is depression and I can't help it, but are affairs the most selfish things there are in the world, or are they more unfortunate circumstances based on people who care too much about the wrong people? Is my misery because he makes me unhappy, or because I realize that I cannot make him happy, no matter how hard I try or how wonderful I am? How much should I focus on ME and how much should I try to focus on anything BUT me because I'm clearly a selfish stupid idiot who doesn't care enough about her marriage or enough about her AP to make any progress in either direction?

 

What will focusing on ME accomplish?

[Pili-Pala]

This intrigues me. Please, no one take this personally, I don't want to be insulting. But one of the things that keeps me so miserable is thinking about, well, ME. I realize that part of that is depression and I can't help it, but are affairs the most selfish things there are in the world, or are they more unfortunate circumstances based on people who care too much about the wrong people? Is my misery because he makes me unhappy, or because I realize that I cannot make him happy, no matter how hard I try or how wonderful I am? How much should I focus on ME and how much should I try to focus on anything BUT me because I'm clearly a selfish stupid idiot who doesn't care enough about her marriage or enough about her AP to make any progress in either direction?

 

What will focusing on ME accomplish?

 

I think there is a difference between thinking about ME in a "oh poor me, how suffered I am, isn't life awful to me" way and thinking about ME in the sense of "where would I like my life (by life my mind, heart, situation etc. - whichever goal is appropriate) to be (in 3 months, 6months, one year's time - the timeframe is irrelevant and arguably unnecessary) and what actions do I need to take in order to get me there". The former is destructive - the latter is empowering and a catalyst for change.

[Ophelia25]

I think there is a difference between thinking about ME in a "oh poor me, how suffered I am, isn't life awful to me" way and thinking about ME in the sense of "where would I like my life (by life my mind, heart, situation etc. - whichever goal is appropriate) to be (in 3 months, 6months, one year's time - the timeframe is irrelevant and arguably unnecessary) and what actions do I need to take in order to get me there". The former is destructive - the latter is empowering and a catalyst for change.

 

This makes sense. I feel stuck in the "Oh, poor me" stage right now I guess, but then I feel like an ass for feeling that way and get mad. So I try to think about him and what's best for him, then I get frustrated since I know I can't really do anything about that. Ill get there, I hope.

[Pili-Pala]

This makes sense. I feel stuck in the "Oh, poor me" stage right now I guess, but then I feel like an ass for feeling that way and get mad. So I try to think about him and what's best for him, then I get frustrated since I know I can't really do anything about that. Ill get there, I hope.

 

 

To be fair, sometimes I think you have to go through a bit of the "oh poor me" way before you are ready to take on the "catalyst for change" way!

 

I also think it's fair that when completely overwhelmed with emotion the distraction technique is good and helpful as an immediate resource, but personally I don't find it a long term solution. So once you establish a sense of calm through distraction (eg. Not thinking about it/me) then it's important to reflect for as long as you are able on the change you want to be and how to get there, before you might need to go back to distraction again, until each time you are able to spend more and more time out of distraction and put into practice more and more of the reflection and action..

 

Then again Ophelia, I think you have mentioned you have / had depression and I can't imagine how hard these situations must be for people who struggle already with depression - as I find it hard enough and have been very fortunate never to have had the battle with the the black dog as well. I am sorry for how you are feeling. As you say, you'll get there, in your own time.

[Babsinhealing]

To Babsinhealing:

That's exactly how I feel, too, Babsinhealing. Again, I don't want to assume anything, but he just doesn't seem to really be working on his marriage. I did not expect him to accept my invitation, but he did. How is this fair to his wife, if he claims that he is trying hard to fix their relationship? All he was saying yesterday was that the situation at home has started to finally calm down. Okay, good, but is this your goal? Wasn't it your intention to reconnect to your spouse and to better your marriage? I guess not. He is just waiting for the storm to go away. However, one day, he will be miserable again, because he puts almost no effort in improving his marriage. On the other hand though, I think that he has decided that his own happiness is not as important as the other things he might lose.

 

 

To jenkins95:

Happy 100 days of NC! By the way, you are one of the exceptions I was referring to. And yes, you got it right. It was not a heartbreaking meeting. Also, none of us tried to rekindle the affair or something like that. As I mentioned it already, it was a little sad though and strange in a way. And yes again, him moving to another city is going to hurt, but there is nothing I can do about it. I hope that he is finally happy there.

Solonely- after DD when we took the A underground he made numerous comments about how he just wanted her to "calm down". I think that was his goal. She was out of control the first week or two and he was looking for anything to just make it stop. He shared with me all their conversations and how she was acting- I was still his confidant. I came right out and said- if you need to end it with me, just tell me. He said- "I don't want to end it... Let's give it more time". I think he realized as the weeks passed she wasn't going to miraculously just get over it, forgive him and go back to normal. I still don't know if he has any clue how long the process is for their marriage to "heal"... Some say 3-5 years on average. His last daughter home will be in college by then! He refused to go to MC so I'm not sure what skills he thinks he has to understand why he resorted to cheating for almost two years and what he needs to do to prevent it from happening again. But as I keep telling myself- this is no longer my concern - now if I can convince myself - we would be doing good!

[Babsinhealing]

Babsinhealing & Solonely - I think all our situations are very similar on this point; and I often get annoyed and frustrated and upset that he doesn't seem to be actually working on fixing his marriage. I completely feel I honestly would feel a lot better if I knew that us ending meant that he and his W would get to a better place - and the fact it seems they are not even working towards that (and just brushing it under the carpet again) makes it so much harder for me to bear. But then I keep reminding myself of advice I have read in this forum; and how that is all his stuff now and I have my stuff and I need to concentrate on me and forget about him and his marriage. I need to stop involving myself in his marriage - even if it is just me in my head that is creating the involvement.

 

I started therapy again this week and my therapist summed my situation up very well I thought. He said that I have spent the past two years trying to help him fix himself and his situation. He reflected that I then spent the 5 weeks post Dday trying to help him and support him through his period of indecision - then when I decided to walk away I was left alone. As in, he can't provide the same support to me. He can't help me to work out what I do next and how I move forward and I am left feeling "what about me?". So I have to concentrate on me now. All that energy I am putting into thinking about him and his situation I need to focus back on me now, and give myself support and help and get me to where I want to be.

 

I know its so tempting to think and dwell on whether xMM is fixing things at home or not, believe me, I do it constantly still, I am by no means "fixed" on that point - but I think I am starting to make some progress on it slowly. And as a few pointed out, and what I try to focus on, is I don't really know for sure anyway - yes I can go by past experience, my knowledge of him, and what I know and don't know they are "doing" - but only they know the truth of the situation, so what is the point in me speculating anyway. And at the end of the day - how is it helping me?

Pila-pala- I truly want my xMM to be happy. I know some AP harbor a lot of anger but I don't - sure, I went through an angry phase where I was mad at him and may have used the word "hate" in my mind but I didn't really mean it. If I really knew he was happy I would have peace. I know that sounds weird but it's the truth.

[Pili-Pala]

Pila-pala- I truly want my xMM to be happy. I know some AP harbor a lot of anger but I don't - sure, I went through an angry phase where I was mad at him and may have used the word "hate" in my mind but I didn't really mean it. If I really knew he was happy I would have peace. I know that sounds weird but it's the truth.

 

I agree babs, I feel exactly the same, I really do. But I guess the thing is that we will never really know for sure if he is happy or not. We simply won't. Even if we were in contact we wouldn't for sure, there would possibly always be doubts. And aside from that, we have absolutely zero control over his happiness. So there comes a point where we have to accept that this cannot be a determining factor for our own "peace" and find a way to work around that. Hard though, when you care about and have been so invested in that other person; but I believe there has to be a way, eventually, if we really want that peace.

[Babsinhealing]

I agree babs, I feel exactly the same, I really do. But I guess the thing is that we will never really know for sure if he is happy or not. We simply won't. Even if we were in contact we wouldn't for sure, there would possibly always be doubts. And aside from that, we have absolutely zero control over his happiness. So there comes a point where we have to accept that this cannot be a determining factor for our own "peace" and find a way to work around that. Hard though, when you care about and have been so invested in that other person; but I believe there has to be a way, eventually, if we really want that peace.

Pila-Pala I agree wholeheartedly! I'm sure the majority of people /co-workers in my life think I'm happy. Little do they know I walk around sad most of the time. I cover it well- fake it until you make it! My assumptions on his happiness are pure speculation - for all I know he could be relieved or thrilled he no longer leads a double life... Or worse, he's miserable and has all he can do to get up and function. Who knows! One thing I do know is that the only thing I can control is myself so that is my new priority. We will speculate and wonder- that's human nature but I won't allow myself to obsess about it.

[solonely9]

I saw my therapist again yesterday and that's exactly what we talked about, taking control over the steps I should follow and not obsessing about what he is doing. I was going on and on about wondering what happened, why XMM came back to his marriage, and how much I want to know his exact reasons, so I can move on. The therapist straight up told me that this is a waste of energy and that I will never know the absolute truth. Basically, he made me realize that I'm alone in this, that my recovery depends only on myself, and that I cannot expect help from XMM.

[Babsinhealing]

Sounds like my therapist lol... It's true though. We really do own our own recovery and while it would be easier to know what's happening behind the scenes- it really is impossible. My xMM may be happy or he may be miserable but guess what- he's not with me so it doesn't really matter. Selfishly I would love to be a fly on the wall but either way, happy or miserable, they would both make me sad because he's not with me.

[Babsinhealing]

Today has been rough... 2 weeks NC and I miss him. I won't break the NC but for some reason I just feel it so strong today. I feel like I'm making small progress towards moving on but it's days like this I just regret that it ended. Ugh... Make it go away!!!!

[Pili-Pala]

Today has been rough... 2 weeks NC and I miss him. I won't break the NC but for some reason I just feel it so strong today. I feel like I'm making small progress towards moving on but it's days like this I just regret that it ended. Ugh... Make it go away!!!!

 

Must be something in the air Babs, I feel the same today :'(

 

I am at 2 weeks too, maybe there is a 2 week hump I suppose it's not that long really...

[Babsinhealing]

Must be something in the air Babs, I feel the same today :'(

 

I am at 2 weeks too, maybe there is a 2 week hump I suppose it's not that long really...

Pila-Pala- it's really not that long but in my world where we were in contact everyday, it feels like an eternity. I think I was just triggered with St Patrick Day (he's Irish and we celebrated last year together). I sometimes feel like it was a bad dream (ending it) because even though I said those words "I think we should end this and close this chapter in our lives" ... Neither of us said "don't ever contact me again" or "we need to go no contact". So while it's implied "no contact" and neither of us have reached out since I ended it, I feel like I would be further along in my healing if that door was closed harder. I've read so many posts about ending it and so many people said to the AP -"don't ever contact me again" or some iteration and I realized that we never had that type of conversation. Part of me thinks he wouldn't think anything bad (or wrong) to reaching out to say hi or if I reached out to check in. In fact, he may even be a little shocked if he did reach out and I said don't call or text- ever.

 

I understand why no contact is so important to healing and moving on but only after reading these posts. But it's had me thinking and wondering ... And of course when I think - I get sad- hence my post. Ugh.

[Babsinhealing]

...And let me add that we were always very kind to each other. Never shared a bad word and even our last "break up" discussion was kind (and sad). There was never any anger or disgust between us or even regret in any of our 19 months together. It ended because he got caught-simple.

[Pili-Pala]

Pila-Pala- it's really not that long but in my world where we were in contact everyday, it feels like an eternity. I think I was just triggered with St Patrick Day (he's Irish and we celebrated last year together). I sometimes feel like it was a bad dream (ending it) because even though I said those words "I think we should end this and close this chapter in our lives" ... Neither of us said "don't ever contact me again" or "we need to go no contact". So while it's implied "no contact" and neither of us have reached out since I ended it, I feel like I would be further along in my healing if that door was closed harder. I've read so many posts about ending it and so many people said to the AP -"don't ever contact me again" or some iteration and I realized that we never had that type of conversation. Part of me thinks he wouldn't think anything bad (or wrong) to reaching out to say hi or if I reached out to check in. In fact, he may even be a little shocked if he did reach out and I said don't call or text- ever.

 

I understand why no contact is so important to healing and moving on but only after reading these posts. But it's had me thinking and wondering ... And of course when I think - I get sad- hence my post. Ugh.

 

...And let me add that we were always very kind to each other. Never shared a bad word and even our last "break up" discussion was kind (and sad). There was never any anger or disgust between us or even regret in any of our 19 months together. It ended because he got caught-simple.

 

Yep. Don't get me wrong this two weeks has felt like forever! Like seriously, I had to check the calendar after I read your post as I thought it must have been at least a month. I guess I was just meaning that on reflection 2 weeks is not that long so perhaps we shouldn't feel so hard on ourselves for feeling this way. As strong as we are we can't just switch off. But perhaps we also have to stay strong and stick to it, and believe that over more time these days might get less and maybe further and further apart.

 

My situation is similar to yours in that we also had no angry words. We too never agreed to no contact or said anything explicit about it - I simply said "I guess then we have nothing else to talk about" and walked off and then I guess it was implicit. However, our situations differ in that I work with him and see him and have professional contact with him almost every week day. So firstly, I can't really say I understand what it's like to have total zero contact and secondly, I suppose it's not really possible for me to have that sort of explicit conversation about having no contact as it would need a million "except in..." caveats attached to it. I can tell you though seeing him and speaking to him about work certainly has a whole set of drawbacks. Today he looked really skinny (he's loosing loads of weight) and was really sick with a cold and it tugged on my heart strings so so hard it took ALOT of will power today that I didn't even think I had. I can't say I was perfect though, I did make one comment in an email and he emailed back and I instantly regretted it and had to really force myself to not respond and then to send him a work email a little later so that my silence didn't have meaning...urgggh. Perhaps that even means I am back to day1 again?!?! But I don't think so as it was only a comment on his cold that any work colleague would say I guess, but it was his reply which was more personal. I do sometimes wish I could not see and speak to him at all. But I know too that I would hate that. Argh.

 

I am so sorry for how you feel Babs. I hope you wake up a bit stronger tomorrow.

[jenkins95]

Guys. I think that what you are experiencing is quite normal. Two weeks is a difficult time because the initial enthusiasm and determination to start NC may have subsided and you don't yet feel noticeably better....... And the future seems long and bleak.

 

It's really tough, but stick to it! It's your path to freedom. After a couple of months you should be able to actually notice an improvement. Ride it out until then and keep posting. We are here.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I totally feel your pain, Babs.

 

Today is 10 weeks for me. Our last conversation was civil- he said we needed a break and to have some space from each other. There was no time frame for it. He'd said before that he would still want to be my friend/ connect with me to see how I am/ etc. in the future. I laughed at him while he was ending it saying that he'd said all this to me before (verbatim) and it didn't last a week. Well, he proved me wrong, didn't he? I honestly don't remember if he said anything about staying in touch this time. Just that he thought we shouldn't see each other when he was in town next.

 

I was very even keeled. I just listened. I refuted a few things but gently. I mostly agreed with him. What could I have done? Begged? Cried? I'd done that the last time (the crying, not the begging. We'd both gotten upset that time.) He'd made up his mind; if I'm right he'd made it up long before he even told me. To some extent I regret not showing any emotion, not letting him know how much this hurt, how sad I am, how much I'll miss him. There was none of that. I was honestly frozen. When we got off the phone I laid on the floor of the office I was in and didn't move for maybe half an hour. Just laid there.

 

I would say different things if I could. But I can't. And there has been nothing but silence for 10 weeks. It still feels hard to have gone from being in touch from the minute I got up until I went to sleep (with a break while he was sleeping. lol) to absolutely nothing. It gets easier, sure. But maybe there's something wrong with me because I still miss him very very much.

 

Sending you lots and lots of hugs. Stay strong. You let this go for a reason. That hasn't changed- no matter how much you miss him.

[solonely9]

Oh, Babs. I'm sorry you feel this way. Some days are worse than others, I guess. I'm not the person to tell you to stick to NC, as I broke it, but you've been doing so well. XMM and I were in constant communication as well and I loved that. It has always been very important to me, in all my relationships, to be able to reach out to the person and to get a response, when I needed answers and support. XMM understood that and was always there for me. Now, however, I'm also struggling with this sudden silence and lack of contact. It is terrible. It makes me miss him and it fills my head with doubts, worries, sadness, and anger. It is a mess. Also, our time together, like yours, was always wonderful, so I understand why you feel sad that it ended. People miss even traumatic affairs, let alone ones, where everything was going well. Hugs.

[solonely9]

Rainbowsandkittens,

 

You did great not begging and crying. I made that mistake and it only made me feel pathetic. I regret it so much pleading with him.

[Babsinhealing]

You are all so wonderful! Just when I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone, I realize I have all these new friends that truly understand what I'm going through! Thank you for the encouragement and also making me realize that what I'm feeling is normal (I still often feel I'm going crazy on some days). It all makes this journey so much more bearable.

 

Jenkins95- yes, it is still very early and if anyone knows how important NC is towards healing, it's definitely you -as I know you are well over 100 days now. You are my inspiration for staying strong. I know if I "slip" I will undo everything I've done over the past few weeks. Keep telling me it's worth it!!

 

Pila-Pala- I seriously don't know how you do it. If I had to see him everyday I would have to add a Xanax (or two) to both breakfast and lunch. Plus if I knew he was sick or injured, that would be 10x worse because I'm a clinician and I would want to fix him. He came to me for everything (injured, poison ivy, fever, cuts, muscle injuries) knowing I would fix him PLUS he knew he would get some Xtra TLC. He always told me that he loved how I cared for him (sometime I swear he exaggerated to just get my sympathy). It must break your heart to be NC but still have to work together. I thought I had it bad. If I were in your situation I would put my head and chin up, rock out my suit and heels and remind him that you are truly a woman of high value. (hugs).

 

Rainbowsandkittens- 10 weeks! That's so good. I'm proud of you! I think back on my final discussion and there were parts of the talk I don't remember. I try to remember what he said and it's like my brain blocked it. It was good stuff too- like things he will remember. In retrospect, I wish I made it more final and closed the door solid. That's my biggest regret. Having it cracked is really messing with me now. Stay strong. Sounds like you are determined and I hope to come back at 10 week NC and be stronger!

 

Solonely- I was thinking of you today wondering how you were doing. I know the break in NC has probably triggered some new and/or old emotions. It's ok though- it's a new day and there will always be a new day if we have a bad one (God willing!). And you are right- people struggle moving forward even when it's traumatic break - pain is pain and loss is loss. I'm here for you so keep posting - we will get through this together. (Hugs)