NC Day 1: Overwhelmed with anxiety

[rainbowsandkittens]

Rainbowsandkittens,

 

You did great not begging and crying. I made that mistake and it only made me feel pathetic. I regret it so much pleading with him.

 

It helped that my therapist told me not to like the day before. lol. He said, "There is nothing you can say that will change his mind. And, in fact, it will only decrease your power and make you feel bad about yourself."

 

In just about every other break up I begged and pleaded and reasoned and it got me nowhere except more hurt and ashamed. So this time I didn't do anything. And I still have regrets. Human nature, right?

 

sending you hugs solonely.

[solonely9]

Babsinhealing:

Thank you for thinking of me. I too have all of you on my mind and, every day, I look forward to reading about your progress. It is comforting to know that there are people going through the same as me, doing well inspite of the pain, and successfully moving on.

 

I saw XMM on Tuesday, but we are again in NC. As in your case, none of us suggested to not communicate anymore, but neither me nor him has reached out. We were always kind to each other and had a great relationship, so I know that, if I contact him, he will not cut me off, and I won't either. However, although I miss him, I feel like the need to see him has diminished in a way. These last few days, I have been thinking more about myself and the things I want to do about my life. I think that I've begun to transform for real and I owe this mainly to this forum and to the wonderful, supportive, and wise people here.

 

Rainbowsandkittens:

You did the right thing. As I was pleading with him, I could just see it in his eyes how he was changing towards me. I lost a lot of his respect right then and there. I think he saw me in a different light and did not like this "me" at all. Even worse, probably, that's how he is going to remember me. I so wish I had acted with more dignity.

[Babsinhealing]

Solonely- I'm glad seeing him didn't set you way back to square one. Sounds like you are starting to accept its over and you are looking towards moving forward. I have found this forum a tremendous help. It really shows me the good, bad and the ugly. It's also made me appreciate my situation (if that's possible) as so many others have had horrific experiences. Furthermore, I know my xMM would NEVER be rude to me or cut me off if I called or texted but I know it wouldn't help either of us so I don't plan to do it "just to see". Keep me posted on your progress- I always like hearing about any progress because it gives me hope that brighter days are ahead.

[Panda_Bear]

I was doing quite well in February. Then the wife contacted me ( again ... as she had more questions / doubts ) , found myself in a very weird situation. It basically undone all the work I've done while in NC. Now I am at the stage of obsessively checking Facebook, Twitter etc.

 

Im really struggling I need to just stop overthinking and go back to NC day 1.

[Babsinhealing]

I was doing quite well in February. Then the wife contacted me ( again ... as she had more questions / doubts ) , found myself in a very weird situation. It basically undone all the work I've done while in NC. Now I am at the stage of obsessively checking Facebook, Twitter etc.

 

Im really struggling I need to just stop overthinking and go back to NC day 1.

Panda- I feel your pain... While his wife didn't contact me since DD I saw that she looked at my LinkedIn profile last week. It's been 2 months since DD so it made my mind race... Is she going to reach out again, show up at my house (again), is it just curiosity/obsession? It does throw you off- especially when you are in NC. One of the BS on this site eased my mind and explained what they go thru post DD so that helped, but her still trolling my social media will always make me wonder her intentions.

[solonely9]

Hi, everybody.

 

 

1:30am here and I can't sleep. I was cleaning my email and I started reading his old messages. I am feeling sick now, physically sick. The emotions are that strong...

 

 

Here is a sample of what I was reading:

 

 

Driving home from dinner, knowing my wife will be home in a few hours... I'm sick to my stomach because I realized that I haven't loved her in a long time. I respect her. I admire her. I care for her. I think she's an amazing person. She's my friend. But I don't love her. Maybe I never did.

 

You broke through these protections I've built around myself and I don't know what to do now. I have never felt like this before. I have never loved anyone so much.

 

And then this:

 

The truth is that as you have long suspected, on some level, I still love my wife. I don’t love her the way I love you, and I never have loved her that way, but I feel some sort of, I don’t know, loyalty maybe? That’s a ****ing terrible way to put it, because I’m not loyal to her at all. But there’s some lingering thing there for me, some part of me wanting for things to be fixed, even if I’m not sure they can be. It’s taken a lot for me to write that out and own it, and I expect it will make you furious to read because it goes against what I’ve said a lot of times in the past. All I can say is that I’ve been delusional, trying to be some way that I’m not, and telling myself lies.

 

 

I feel just awful. I still cannot realize what happened. I am constantly going back and forth in my mind, it is exhausting. Today, I hate him. Ugh. I am not getting over this any time soon.

[Grey Cloud]

Hi, everybody.

 

 

1:30am here and I can't sleep. I was cleaning my email and I started reading his old messages. I am feeling sick now, physically sick. The emotions are that strong...

 

 

Here is a sample of what I was reading:

 

 

Driving home from dinner, knowing my wife will be home in a few hours... I'm sick to my stomach because I realized that I haven't loved her in a long time. I respect her. I admire her. I care for her. I think she's an amazing person. She's my friend. But I don't love her. Maybe I never did.

 

You broke through these protections I've built around myself and I don't know what to do now. I have never felt like this before. I have never loved anyone so much.

 

And then this:

 

The truth is that as you have long suspected, on some level, I still love my wife. I don’t love her the way I love you, and I never have loved her that way, but I feel some sort of, I don’t know, loyalty maybe? That’s a ****ing terrible way to put it, because I’m not loyal to her at all. But there’s some lingering thing there for me, some part of me wanting for things to be fixed, even if I’m not sure they can be. It’s taken a lot for me to write that out and own it, and I expect it will make you furious to read because it goes against what I’ve said a lot of times in the past. All I can say is that I’ve been delusional, trying to be some way that I’m not, and telling myself lies.

 

 

I feel just awful. I still cannot realize what happened. I am constantly going back and forth in my mind, it is exhausting. Today, I hate him. Ugh. I am not getting over this any time soon.

 

The second email says it all. He has loyalty and love for his wife. I don't doubt he had very strong feelings/love for you but unfortunately it isn't enough. The first email to you sounds like someone caught up in the affair fog and questioning how he can feel strong feelings for someone else other than his wife.

 

The analysis will end up killing you as you will never get answers - from old emails or him directly.

 

If you can I would delete them all. It's the only way moving forwards to not put you back in that position of feeling physical pain. I've deleted every single message. I still remember of course some of the things he wrote but eventually in time it will all get fuzzy and I won't be able to look up or remind myself of exactly what he said. I want to protect myself from feeling hurt/pain/anger as it doesn't change anything. Except for me feeling worse about everything.

[solonely9]

You're right, Grey Cloud. I should delete his emails, but I still can't bring myself to do it. It is really painful. Really painful.

 

 

Also, I forgot to mention that those were written only a few days before and after DD. Again, you're right. I should not try to analyze them, but I can't help but wonder if the second email is a true revelation or just fear.

 

 

Thanks.

[Grey Cloud]

You're right, Grey Cloud. I should delete his emails, but I still can't bring myself to do it. It is really painful. Really painful.

 

 

Also, I forgot to mention that those were written only a few days before and after DD. Again, you're right. I should not try to analyze them, but I can't help but wonder if the second email is a true revelation or just fear.

 

 

Thanks.

 

Even if it's a true revelation or just fear it doesn't change the fact that he is staying with his wife. If it's fear then more pity or fool is he. But it is normal for MM to do a complete 180 after D-day. Whether it's guilt or realising their double life can't continue or seeing the pain in their wife's eyes - it's usually always the OW that will be told exactly what he told you. That I do love my wife after all or at the very least I am staying in the M to try and fix things.

 

I know it's horrible but hang in there x

[Babs22]

Hi, everybody.

 

 

1:30am here and I can't sleep. I was cleaning my email and I started reading his old messages. I am feeling sick now, physically sick. The emotions are that strong...

 

 

Here is a sample of what I was reading:

 

 

Driving home from dinner, knowing my wife will be home in a few hours... I'm sick to my stomach because I realized that I haven't loved her in a long time. I respect her. I admire her. I care for her. I think she's an amazing person. She's my friend. But I don't love her. Maybe I never did.

 

You broke through these protections I've built around myself and I don't know what to do now. I have never felt like this before. I have never loved anyone so much.

 

And then this:

 

The truth is that as you have long suspected, on some level, I still love my wife. I don’t love her the way I love you, and I never have loved her that way, but I feel some sort of, I don’t know, loyalty maybe? That’s a ****ing terrible way to put it, because I’m not loyal to her at all. But there’s some lingering thing there for me, some part of me wanting for things to be fixed, even if I’m not sure they can be. It’s taken a lot for me to write that out and own it, and I expect it will make you furious to read because it goes against what I’ve said a lot of times in the past. All I can say is that I’ve been delusional, trying to be some way that I’m not, and telling myself lies.

 

 

I feel just awful. I still cannot realize what happened. I am constantly going back and forth in my mind, it is exhausting. Today, I hate him. Ugh. I am not getting over this any time soon.

 

Hi Solonely,

 

Good to hear from you again. I hear you and feel your pain. I totally get what you are saying. I was just reading old text messages. Boy have the words changed. He never actually has spoken about a change and he has not had a DDay, but what he texts and what he says are very different than when this first started. In my case it was like a slow evolution. It sucks to read the words he would once say to me. I now feel like I am in the friend zone, with benefits of course. He is on his week long cruise with his wife. He has gone every year for the last 3 years. This year I do believe his wife's sister and sister's husband have joined. I just found out a few weeks ago that their anniversary actually happens the same week as this cruise. I didn't know that in previous years, he never told me. I found out his wedding anniversary out when I was at his house.

 

Anyway, I have been thinking that this A needs to end for a long time, at least back in September. It has been hard to want to end it, but every time I feel like he is just doing a backslide, I get that much closer. This cruise is kind of like he icing on the, I'm never going to leave my wife cake. I have known he isn't going to leave her, I just didn't want to let go of us. He sends a short email each day from the cruise. Nothing romantic, just tells me what he did that day. Not sure why he does that. I didn't want to end it before the cruise and possibly ruin his trip, but I need to do it soon.

 

For some reason, I feel the need to read the texts, so that I can feel the pain, so I will end it. I think it will somehow help me keep my resolve. I keep moving the goal post to allow myself one more time, one more event, one more summer. In the summer we always have time to do more together, hiking, long scenic car rides, kayaking. This summer will suck without those things with him. We actually talked about trying to take a week long trip together, although it hasn't been mentioned in a while. I need to face it, there just will never be a good time to end it even though staying in it is very painful.

[Adoraxx]

Hi Solonely, hugs to you sweetie

I've gone over the MM's emails numerous times too (and not just that, I have thousands of diary entries where I wrote down lots of conversations. I was already very confused years ago and I just tried to get a grip on it to see what was happening.... which was lots of manipulation!!)

 

What am I saying... I'm still doing all the re-reading , trying to see what happened , trying to see where he lied. I think he must have lied about ALL of it, the whole 8 years ever since the A began. I haven't deleted his emails because it also helps me to see what this was all about: sex. There is one email that I just can't read again (at least not now) because I think it's full of lies. It's the most confusing email of the whole bunch!!

 

 

I don't think I'll ever make sense of all that has happened.

[privategal]

Everything will be ok if you keep trying.

I think it would hurt less to delete the emails. Thats up to you but actions like deleting are symbols of letting go and help you not to hold on and analyze.

Analyzing keeps you stuck and can even give false hope as your having conversations with him in your head.

Your assuming hes caring and his world is sad now too.

I think likely theres some care and hurt but in my mind the mm just want to forget and move on.

While he is moving forward you dont deserve to stay still and be haunted and crying and stop your life.

We all really have to keep going, keep trying, keep looking forward.

You can come up with a thousand explanations but yet its still over, he is trying to save his marriage.

He is in a new reality.

I know it hurts to hear but we have to deal in reality.

The false hope recks us more than the initial abandonment.

I think he said it pretty clear "my loyalty is to her"

No fleeting, affair bubble, fairytale love can erase their history together.

Years of history and a wedding vow.

Im not suggesting your love wasnt real...just that it was real in the moment.

This kind of love doesnt hold up and is not built the same.

Hot fires burn quickly.

His with his wife..that love...is built slowly with time and memories shared.

Its not the kind you throw away.

Its that everyday love and he lost sight of it...dday and being faced with losing it brought new clarity perhaps.

Its ok to grieve and cry we are all in alot of pain...but please begin to lift that A fog and then you truly start healing.

Really rooting for you.

[Josmatjes]

My Xmm still contacts me now and then. I think the range of emotions is amazing! One minute he is saying he has never ever loved his wife ( I don't buy this) and that he is going to " make it happen" and be with me. Fast forward a few days later and he says he can never leave his wife that she is lost without him. It's truly so screwed up. I think these men are all confused. The last thing I said to my xm was to give me a call when he gets divorced and I know that's not going to happen. My heart has been ripped open by his words over the past year! Try to delete the edges you will feel better, I promise... Oh or write it down like I did...

[Babs22]

Everything will be ok if you keep trying.

I think it would hurt less to delete the emails. Thats up to you but actions like deleting are symbols of letting go and help you not to hold on and analyze.

Analyzing keeps you stuck and can even give false hope as your having conversations with him in your head.

Your assuming hes caring and his world is sad now too.

I think likely theres some care and hurt but in my mind the mm just want to forget and move on.

While he is moving forward you dont deserve to stay still and be haunted and crying and stop your life.

We all really have to keep going, keep trying, keep looking forward.

You can come up with a thousand explanations but yet its still over, he is trying to save his marriage.

He is in a new reality.

I know it hurts to hear but we have to deal in reality.

The false hope recks us more than the initial abandonment.

I think he said it pretty clear "my loyalty is to her"

No fleeting, affair bubble, fairytale love can erase their history together.

Years of history and a wedding vow.

Im not suggesting your love wasnt real...just that it was real in the moment.

This kind of love doesnt hold up and is not built the same.

Hot fires burn quickly.

His with his wife..that love...is built slowly with time and memories shared.

Its not the kind you throw away.

Its that everyday love and he lost sight of it...dday and being faced with losing it brought new clarity perhaps.

Its ok to grieve and cry we are all in alot of pain...but please begin to lift that A fog and then you truly start healing.

Really rooting for you.

 

Great post Privategal! And so true! All of it. I took a screen shot and will refer to it as I struggle to carry on with life and not curl into a ball and feel sorry for myself. I am really fascinated with this difference between men and woman. In general it seems that men will stay in their marriage no matter what. That sense of history and them feeling that sense of not letting people down. Woman, if unhappy, are much more willing to leave their M and find something real. The A stuff is not enough for a woman but is plenty for a guy to go on happily in their world. Fascinating.

 

How do MM forget and move on so easily?

[Grey Cloud]

Great post Privategal! And so true! All of it. I took a screen shot and will refer to it as I struggle to carry on with life and not curl into a ball and feel sorry for myself. I am really fascinated with this difference between men and woman. In general it seems that men will stay in their marriage no matter what. That sense of history and them feeling that sense of not letting people down. Woman, if unhappy, are much more willing to leave their M and find something real. The A stuff is not enough for a woman but is plenty for a guy to go on happily in their world. Fascinating.

 

How do MM forget and move on so easily?

 

Totally agree. I think MM are more logical and rational when it comes down to it. I know my xMM was a bit like "yeah, it was great while it lasted and I don't regret it but it couldn't last forever and the guilt was getting to me". And he moved on by compartmentalising it. He literally assigned "us" to the memory bank, then buried it deep into the back of his mind and got on with his life!!

[Adoraxx]

Totally agree. I think MM are more logical and rational when it comes down to it. I know my xMM was a bit like "yeah, it was great while it lasted and I don't regret it but it couldn't last forever and the guilt was getting to me". And he moved on by compartmentalising it. He literally assigned "us" to the memory bank, then buried it deep into the back of his mind and got on with his life!!

 

I'm just so annoyed at how easily my xMM compartmentalises... Yes, they bury it deep and then just go on with their lives!!!!!!

[privategal]

Great post Privategal! And so true! All of it. I took a screen shot and will refer to it as I struggle to carry on with life and not curl into a ball and feel sorry for myself. I am really fascinated with this difference between men and woman. In general it seems that men will stay in their marriage no matter what. That sense of history and them feeling that sense of not letting people down. Woman, if unhappy, are much more willing to leave their M and find something real. The A stuff is not enough for a woman but is plenty for a guy to go on happily in their world. Fascinating.

 

How do MM forget and move on so easily?

I sure hope it helped.

Ive literally curled up in a ball and literally prayed for death in the past.

I just got so sick of crying and mourning that I feel now "hey, you dont want me? Keep walking...dont come back and neither will I"

I mean it, Im done. I just want to help others now and be ok and normal again.im not perfect. I really greived it JUST like a death this time.

And thats the thing is they arent grieving it...they are blocking it out..pushing down the feelings and are very simple and rational and we are a mess cause we use our heart AND mind to process.

Id rather face it...mourn it, and get on with it.

My pity party is finally done.

Hey, if hes happy without me...so be it.

I consider I didnt lose him, he lost ME.

 

I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!

There was life and happiness before him and Im not letting him have my happiness now anymore.

Let these men keep going gals, dont hold on!

[Pili-Pala]

Sorry you are having a tough time Solonely... And being up in the early hours is not much fun! One of the things I am grateful to have not done is go back and read through texts and emails. I don't seem to have the desire to. I did at one point scroll back to read texts from when we "broke up" for a few weeks early last year (and it took my forever to scroll through my phone to find them!!!) and that helped me a little weirdly. But since then, nothing, I guess maybe I know no good will come of it.

 

I do go over and over events and conversations in my mind though. Like literally all the time.. Though perhaps it's getting less and less on reflection. My therapist told me my analytical brain is looking for answers I am never going to get... And that I need to shift my thinking from should've and could've to I will (in the future, in my new healthier relationship) ... It's easier said then done though! Finding that piece of "home work" pretty tough atm. It's also not always should've or could've, but it often is Why? And I guess I will never get answers to that. I think my memories are enough to deal with right now. If I tried to read through the millions of texts and emails I think I would implode...

 

Hang in there. And if not delete them (as I can understand that seems impossible right now) then maybe try to tell yourself you can't look at them for a day. Then for another day after that. Then for a week... And so on. Perhaps with time the temptation to do so will lessen. Maybe? Hopefully! As I agree with others here that I can't see anything good for you to come from it. Though I do understand the need to "process" and that is what your mind is trying to do I guess.

 

I don't know. Sorry, not a very helpful post. Just wanted to try to offer a little support

[Ophelia25]

Great post Privategal! And so true! All of it. I took a screen shot and will refer to it as I struggle to carry on with life and not curl into a ball and feel sorry for myself. I am really fascinated with this difference between men and woman. In general it seems that men will stay in their marriage no matter what. That sense of history and them feeling that sense of not letting people down. Woman, if unhappy, are much more willing to leave their M and find something real. The A stuff is not enough for a woman but is plenty for a guy to go on happily in their world. Fascinating.

 

How do MM forget and move on so easily?

 

This is how I've been thinking as well. I do understand that men and women are very different in relationships, that men can suspend the emotional far better and can come to a realization and determine to stay in a marriage and just move on. Sort of...

 

I wonder why men in affairs don't want to leave their marriages, in general, and women seem to only be in affairs when they DO want to leave their marriages. Total generalization, I realize. It just seems that women, once they are fully "in" the affair, mostly are in with all their hearts and souls, and men are able to divide their affections much more easily. Maybe men seek affairs more for sexual reasons, and thus can deal with or supress the emotional, whereas women get involved because of emotional connections or deficits, and are thus more attached.

[Josmatjes]

I sure hope it helped.

Ive literally curled up in a ball and literally prayed for death in the past.

I just got so sick of crying and mourning that I feel now "hey, you dont want me? Keep walking...dont come back and neither will I"

I mean it, Im done. I just want to help others now and be ok and normal again.im not perfect. I really greived it JUST like a death this time.

And thats the thing is they arent grieving it...they are blocking it out..pushing down the feelings and are very simple and rational and we are a mess cause we use our heart AND mind to process.

Id rather face it...mourn it, and get on with it.

My pity party is finally done.

Hey, if hes happy without me...so be it.

I consider I didnt lose him, he lost ME.

 

I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!

There was life and happiness before him and Im not letting him have my happiness now anymore.

Let these men keep going gals, dont hold on!

 

Agreed!!!!

[Shadowburn]

I sure hope it helped.

Ive literally curled up in a ball and literally prayed for death in the past.

I just got so sick of crying and mourning that I feel now "hey, you dont want me? Keep walking...dont come back and neither will I"

I mean it, Im done. I just want to help others now and be ok and normal again.im not perfect. I really greived it JUST like a death this time.

And thats the thing is they arent grieving it...they are blocking it out..pushing down the feelings and are very simple and rational and we are a mess cause we use our heart AND mind to process.

Id rather face it...mourn it, and get on with it.

My pity party is finally done.

Hey, if hes happy without me...so be it.

I consider I didnt lose him, he lost ME.

 

I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!

There was life and happiness before him and Im not letting him have my happiness now anymore.

Let these men keep going gals, dont hold on!

Privategal, you're amazing!

[solonely9]

Hi, everybody.

I just wrote the longest post, answering every comment individually and, then, I lost it. I'm sorry. You deserve so much for your thoughts, time, and support. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I too have been torturing myself with him moving on so fast. How is he capable of this? Didn't it mean anything to him? What did just happen?

Yes. Men and women are so different in regards to processing their emotions. And, in my experience, women do it better and do it permanently. This compartmentalizing that men resort to is a fake, fake thing. It is good initially, but it does not resolve anything. And that's why they almost always come back or repeat the mistake. Women, on the other hand, are not afraid to really face their feelings and to live through them, and once they manage to rebuild themselves, it is for good.

One of my favorite songs is called "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" by Stars and it is about getting over a lost love. I have been listening a lot to it lately. In the song, there is a line saying: "Live through this and you won't look back." It is like my mantra now. So, I will just live through this.

Thank you again.

Edited March 30, 2016 by solonely9

[Ophelia25]

Hi, everybody.

I just wrote the longest post, answering every comment individually and, then, I lost it. I'm sorry. You deserve so much for your thoughts, time, and support. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I too have been torturing myself with him moving on so fast. How is he capable of this? Didn't it mean anything to him? What did just happen?

Yes. Men and women are so different in regards to processing their emotions. And, in my experience, women do it better and do it permanently. This compartmentalizing that men resort to is a fake, fake thing. It is good initially, but it does not resolve anything. And that's why they almost always come back or repeat the mistake. Women, on the other hand, are not afraid to really face their feelings and to live through them, and once they manage to rebuild themselves, it is for good.

One of my favorite songs is called "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" by Stars and it is about getting over a lost love. I have been listening a lot to it lately. In the song, there is a line saying: "Live through this and you won't look back." It is like my mantra now. So, I will just live through this.

Thank you again.

 

Oh, wow. This really hit me. The compartmentalizing that he does is torturous, and I can't even begin to wrap my head around it, I am so not that way. I think maybe one of my biggest hang ups is that he does this all the time and then comes back. But if I do it, if I make the call, if I end things, if I initiate NC, it will be permanent. Because my feelings aren't compartmentalized, it's a complete thing for me. On or off. In or out. Over or not. And that's it. He can do it and undo it all day and just bounce back again. Gonna go look up those lyrics. ?

[Adoraxx]

I sure hope it helped.

Ive literally curled up in a ball and literally prayed for death in the past.

I just got so sick of crying and mourning that I feel now "hey, you dont want me? Keep walking...dont come back and neither will I"

I mean it, Im done. I just want to help others now and be ok and normal again.im not perfect. I really greived it JUST like a death this time.

And thats the thing is they arent grieving it...they are blocking it out..pushing down the feelings and are very simple and rational and we are a mess cause we use our heart AND mind to process.

Id rather face it...mourn it, and get on with it.

My pity party is finally done.

Hey, if hes happy without me...so be it.

I consider I didnt lose him, he lost ME.

 

I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!

There was life and happiness before him and Im not letting him have my happiness now anymore.

Let these men keep going gals, dont hold on!

 

I love this, privategal!!! Hugs!!

[privategal]

I love this, privategal!!! Hugs!!

 

Thank you!

Im sure I seem really strong but its because I already grieved on and off for years literally.

I dont want to make it seem like everyone needs to be in the place I am either...we all take time.

It took me so much time and I still have grayyyy days but Im not going back.

He is not my salvation, I am.

One note...because women do grieve it fully and cry it out and face it...we do heal truly.

The men with their avoidance or compartmentalizing and pushing it down....for them...it keeps coming back up...and they dont deal with it or heal so its their own hell they still face.

One time at the height of the romance portion of our EA he abruptly ended it and went from 100's of emails per day to none overnight...very cold.

I asked him to call me.

When he did I said how are you doing this? He said "look Im not gonna go through and explain this to you" this was 13 years into our friendship and all I have to do if I want a dose of reality is play that cold conversation back...the tone...those words.

Id be a lunatic to sign up for another round.

I see I was a great little forgiver, a ping pong ball picked up...loved SO HARD I couldnt even breath, then thrown away...many times.

Its over. I hope he needs me or misses me one day and even TRIES to write.

Hed be met with closed email

Unless he wrote at work.

Then he'd be met with DEAD SILENCE FOREVER.

I dont think he would I told him never ever to reach me again and hes verryyy proud, he wont.

Cool with me. It was a 15 year prison sentence it felt like.

I bailed myself out and I finally learned.

Im always here to help!