NC Day 1: Overwhelmed with anxiety

[solonely9]

One note...because women do grieve it fully and cry it out and face it...we do heal truly.

The men with their avoidance or compartmentalizing and pushing it down....for them...it keeps coming back up...and they dont deal with it or heal so its their own hell they still face.

 

Hi, privategal. Great posts indeed! Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom.

Those are exactly my thoughts.

[Adoraxx]

Thank you!

Im sure I seem really strong but its because I already grieved on and off for years literally.

I dont want to make it seem like everyone needs to be in the place I am either...we all take time.

It took me so much time and I still have grayyyy days but Im not going back.

He is not my salvation, I am.

One note...because women do grieve it fully and cry it out and face it...we do heal truly.

The men with their avoidance or compartmentalizing and pushing it down....for them...it keeps coming back up...and they dont deal with it or heal so its their own hell they still face.

One time at the height of the romance portion of our EA he abruptly ended it and went from 100's of emails per day to none overnight...very cold.

I asked him to call me.

When he did I said how are you doing this? He said "look Im not gonna go through and explain this to you" this was 13 years into our friendship and all I have to do if I want a dose of reality is play that cold conversation back...the tone...those words.

Id be a lunatic to sign up for another round.

I see I was a great little forgiver, a ping pong ball picked up...loved SO HARD I couldnt even breath, then thrown away...many times.

Its over. I hope he needs me or misses me one day and even TRIES to write.

Hed be met with closed email

Unless he wrote at work.

Then he'd be met with DEAD SILENCE FOREVER.

I dont think he would I told him never ever to reach me again and hes verryyy proud, he wont.

Cool with me. It was a 15 year prison sentence it felt like.

I bailed myself out and I finally learned.

Im always here to help!

 

Another great post from you, privategal. You have no idea how much it helps me to read this.

 

The men with their avoidance or compartmentalizing and pushing it down....for them...it keeps coming back up...and they dont deal with it or heal so its their own hell they still face.

 

I sooo hope that this is true. I've read this a few times now so hopefully it is true that we women do grieve and take the time to go through the pain instead of doing all this stupid compartmentalising. I've tried to compartmentalize but obviously I'm not good at it at all!! lol

 

It's so weird and chilling how they can go cold on us so suddenly. What you wrote about your xMM telling you that he's not going to 'explain' to you, reminds me of my xMM telling me in his icy cold voice that he doesn't want any discussions.

 

I see I was a great little forgiver, a ping pong ball picked up...loved SO HARD I couldnt even breath, then thrown away...many times.

Its over. I hope he needs me or misses me one day and even TRIES to write.

 

Yes... me too. He played with me whenever it pleased him and he only had use for me when HE felt like it. So hurtful. And like you, I loved SO HARD I couldn't even breathe.

 

Thanks again for your great post(s), privategal

Hugs,

Adoraxx

[jenkins95]

Some great posts on this thread. privategal on fine form as ever!

 

 

Quote:

The men with their avoidance or compartmentalizing and pushing it down....for them...it keeps coming back up...and they dont deal with it or heal so its their own hell they still face.

 

I sooo hope that this is true. I've read this a few times now so hopefully it is true that we women do grieve and take the time to go through the pain instead of doing all this stupid compartmentalising. I've tried to compartmentalize but obviously I'm not good at it at all!! lol

 

Yes, it is true Adoraxx - at least for me. Suffering in silence comes naturally to us MMs I think. We want to recover, but we don't know how, so we push it away - then it comes back. My recovery is going in cycles - I have a good few days, then it all comes flooding back, then a few good days, more bad days, good days....etc. My mistake is that when I have good days I am so relieved, I just run away from it all again and enjoy the relief. I should use the good days to think and talk positively, work through it, analyse, introspect, etc. When the bad days come back - Oh boy is that tough And when I say "good" days......well, it's all relative, isn't it?!!

 

It's so weird and chilling how they can go cold on us so suddenly. What you wrote about your xMM telling you that he's not going to 'explain' to you, reminds me of my xMM telling me in his icy cold voice that he doesn't want any discussions.

 

Yes, this is horrible. It shows how emotionally weak some men are. I tried to hide behind logic a few times and I remember it really hurt the OW when I turned all logical and rational. I remember once saying that we both needed to "move on" for our own good, as though it was the simplest, easiest thing in the world to do. It must have seemed so cold. I hope she doesn't think I just got over it immediately - I didn't and still haven't. But we will all get there eventually.

 

Keep posting guys!

[privategal]

I am happy to help. I swear I could write a book ha ha!

If I ever miss a reply or anyone needs to pm please do. Rooting and praying for all.

[jenkins95]

I am happy to help. I swear I could write a book ha ha!

If I ever miss a reply or anyone needs to pm please do. Rooting and praying for all.

 

privategal - PLEASE write a book!

 

You already sold one copy - how do I pay?

 

Please really consider it!

 

J

[privategal]

privategal - PLEASE write a book!

 

You already sold one copy - how do I pay?

 

Please really consider it!

 

J

 

Only if you co-author!

Hugs! Hope today is a good day for you!! Thank you for supporting us all.

[sunburned]

About 2.5 years ago, I read something helpful that stuck with me. People who can compartmentalize can live in a state of deception. So, for those of you agonizing over your inability to do so, please know it's a positive attribute.

[jenkins95]

Only if you co-author!

Hugs! Hope today is a good day for you!! Thank you for supporting us all.

 

Thanks privategal - need those hugs!! Actually today started off as a bad day to be honest! But coming here, reading lots of posts and searching out and reading lots of the right kinds of articles on the web has really helped. There are certain favourite articles that I have, many that I found when the s*** was really hitting the fan last year. They say exactly what I want to read and should be reading, so I escape into them like a comfort blanket! And nice posts from LS members - that's even better!

 

Right, I'm sharpening my pencil as we speak! Let's get started! What shall we write and how shall we write it? Any ideas for a title? Could you be the project manager? Perhaps you can write a draft of a contents page, and we can assign chapters to each other (and other posters) to write based on that contents list?

 

The crazy thing is - I am semi serious!

[Babs22]

I for one would love to read more about what privategal and Jenkins have to say!!

We could get the man's and the female's view of each topic!

You guys have a good start already. Go back and make copies of your best posts and start from there.

I'll buy your first copy!!

[jenkins95]

I for one would love to read more about what privategal and Jenkins have to say!!

We could get the man's and the female's view of each topic!

You guys have a good start already. Go back and make copies of your best posts and start from there.

I'll buy your first copy!!

 

Oh Babs! What a good idea as a starting point - to copy, paste and edit existing posts. Actually there are so many classic, heartfelt posts, responses and thoughts on here from people who really are living through what they post. Those posts would only need minimal editing and they could pretty much go straight into the first draft - I include many of your posts in that Babs.

[cozycottagelg]

Forgive me if I missed a post, I tried to read each one before commenting.

 

Just curious how his wife found out, and I assume she doesn't know your identity? Aren't you worried that she will tell your husband before you get a chance?

 

How are you doing?

[privategal]

I for one would love to read more about what privategal and Jenkins have to say!!

We could get the man's and the female's view of each topic!

You guys have a good start already. Go back and make copies of your best posts and start from there.

I'll buy your first copy!!

 

You guys are the best. Yesterday I cried again...I get the ups and downs.

I would loovvee to write something, with you (and all the collaberators here)! But already stuck on the title and the direction. Oh geez!

[Babs22]

You guys are the best. Yesterday I cried again...I get the ups and downs.

I would loovvee to write something, with you (and all the collaberators here)! But already stuck on the title and the direction. Oh geez!

 

I say you/we write it first and once completed I'm sure the title will be obvious.

 

But, just for fun....

Affairs Suck!

Letters of the Broken-hearted

Do not Fall in Love with a Married Man!

Why Married Men will Never Leave Their Spouse

Why do Woman Fall for a Married Man?

[solonely9]

Forgive me if I missed a post, I tried to read each one before commenting.

 

Just curious how his wife found out, and I assume she doesn't know your identity? Aren't you worried that she will tell your husband before you get a chance?

 

How are you doing?

 

Hi. I guess that these questions are for me.

His wife found out through a credit card statement. He refused to reveal my identity, although, honestly, I didn't mind him doing it.

[solonely9]

You guys are the best. Yesterday I cried again...I get the ups and downs.

I would loovvee to write something, with you (and all the collaberators here)! But already stuck on the title and the direction. Oh geez!

 

 

I am sorry that you felt so sad yesterday. Your posts are great. You are so wise and helpful.

I have also thought that many of the posts here can make a great book. I will buy it for sure.

[privategal]

I say you/we write it first and once completed I'm sure the title will be obvious.

 

But, just for fun....

Affairs Suck!

Letters of the Broken-hearted

Do not Fall in Love with a Married Man!

Why Married Men will Never Leave Their Spouse

Why do Woman Fall for a Married Man?

 

I love all of these!! Yes!!

[solonely9]

Hi, everybody. I have an update on my situation.

 

 

Today, xMM here showed up out of nowhere at my door. Shocked is a pretty weak word to describe how I felt, when I saw him. He apologized for his unannounced visit and said that he just wanted a friendly closure. As you know, I broke NC once, but, when we met, we didn't talk about our situation. This time, we did.

 

 

Honestly, I do not remember every detail of the conversation, as I was focused on not falling into million pieces and on not crying in front of him. I had decided that, if we talk again about the affair, I won't insist, argue, or ask too many questions. I was pretending to be really calm and understanding.

 

 

Here is what I remember though, said in first person, him talking:

1) I had started to have doubts about you before DD. You are too emotional and intense to make a good long-term partner.

2) I was thinking about ending it with you before DD, because I had started to realize that what we had was not worth it me ruining my marriage.

3) On the other hand, I wish we had met under different circumstances, so we could have tested our relationship in real life. I am pretty sure though that we would have burnt fast.

4) I want us to be friends.

 

 

The only question I asked him was how he was able to move on so quickly, something that many posters here have been wondering. And guess what? Compartmentalizing!!! I said: "How did you get over your feelings?," to which he replied: "I have not gotten over them yet, but I have chosen not to feel anything. I have chosen to block my emotions in regards to you." Well, good luck with that! I hope it works for him.

 

 

We talked for an hour, but, I swear, it seemed like ten hours. I was so tired after that.

 

 

At one point, in order to break the awkward silence, I turned on the TV and, coincidentally, they were showing a movie that we were planning to watch before DD. The conversation changed. We talked about the movie, we joked, and we laughed. Suddenly, he reached out to me, grabbed my hand, and kissed me, but pulled back right away. After another few minutes of silence, he finally said: "You know what? I decided that we cannot be friends. I like being with you too much, so, in order to be fair to my marriage, I can never see you or talk to you again. I have to keep on blocking my emotions." Then, he jumped, said "good bye," and left. I was watching him through the window. He cried for ten minutes in his car before driving away.

 

 

I am still in shock, kind of emotionally paralyzed by what happened. On the other hand though, I am not as sad as I thought I would be. I admit it. I was about to cry at one point, because his words still hurt, but not as much as before.

[privategal]

I am sorry that you felt so sad yesterday. Your posts are great. You are so wise and helpful.

I have also thought that many of the posts here can make a great book. I will buy it for sure.

 

Awe thank you. I identify so strongly with the PAIN here and Im in a pretty good stage here but when its bad for me...its BAD. But pain is hopefully not forever just that I went through my friendship/ea for 15 years so the recovery time will be longer but Im so determined. Hugs lots of them!

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

 

Here is what I remember though, said in first person, him talking:

1) I had started to have doubts about you before DD. You are too emotional and intense to make a good long-term partner.

2) I was thinking about ending it with you before DD, because I had started to realize that what we had was not worth it me ruining my marriage.

3) On the other hand, I wish we had met under different circumstances, so we could have tested our relationship in real life. I am pretty sure though that we would have burnt fast.

4) I want us to be friends.

 

 

What this means:

1) You wanted more than I could give as I am married and just looking for some candy on the side. Your emotions made me uncomfortable because I don't want to really think about what I am doing.

 

2) I am trying to hurt you here. I feel really guilty about what I did so its easier to blame you so I feel better about myself, hey I was going to end it!

 

3) Although a lot of free sex would have been fun.

 

4) Speaking of free sex?

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

I am still in shock, kind of emotionally paralyzed by what happened. On the other hand though, I am not as sad as I thought I would be. I admit it. I was about to cry at one point, because his words still hurt, but not as much as before.

 

You realize you should not have continued to talk to this guy after what he said right? let alone kissed him? Go dark. Block him. I'm telling you, this guy will be back and you have to protect yourself.

 

"A lack of self love is the root of all suffering."

 

Take care of you. Aren't you worth more?

[privategal]

Hi, everybody. I have an update on my situation.

 

 

Today, xMM here showed up out of nowhere at my door. Shocked is a pretty weak word to describe how I felt, when I saw him. He apologized for his unannounced visit and said that he just wanted a friendly closure. As you know, I broke NC once, but, when we met, we didn't talk about our situation. This time, we did.

 

 

Honestly, I do not remember every detail of the conversation, as I was focused on not falling into million pieces and on not crying in front of him. I had decided that, if we talk again about the affair, I won't insist, argue, or ask too many questions. I was pretending to be really calm and understanding.

 

 

Here is what I remember though, said in first person, him talking:

1) I had started to have doubts about you before DD. You are too emotional and intense to make a good long-term partner.

2) I was thinking about ending it with you before DD, because I had started to realize that what we had was not worth it me ruining my marriage.

3) On the other hand, I wish we had met under different circumstances, so we could have tested our relationship in real life. I am pretty sure though that we would have burnt fast.

4) I want us to be friends.

 

 

The only question I asked him was how he was able to move on so quickly, something that many posters here have been wondering. And guess what? Compartmentalizing!!! I said: "How did you get over your feelings?," to which he replied: "I have not gotten over them yet, but I have chosen not to feel anything. I have chosen to block my emotions in regards to you." Well, good luck with that! I hope it works for him.

 

 

We talked for an hour, but, I swear, it seemed like ten hours. I was so tired after that.

 

 

At one point, in order to break the awkward silence, I turned on the TV and, coincidentally, they were showing a movie that we were planning to watch before DD. The conversation changed. We talked about the movie, we joked, and we laughed. Suddenly, he reached out to me, grabbed my hand, and kissed me, but pulled back right away. After another few minutes of silence, he finally said: "You know what? I decided that we cannot be friends. I like being with you too much, so, in order to be fair to my marriage, I can never see you or talk to you again. I have to keep on blocking my emotions." Then, he jumped, said "good bye," and left. I was watching him through the window. He cried for ten minutes in his car before driving away.

 

 

I am still in shock, kind of emotionally paralyzed by what happened. On the other hand though, I am not as sad as I thought I would be. I admit it. I was about to cry at one point, because his words still hurt, but not as much as before.

 

Oh gosh I missed this completely.

I almost wonder if he came for one last roll in the hay before deciding to "be fair to his martiage"

Honestly he seems like a total jerk.

The things he said, dont even TRY to analyze them. Hes contradictory, is so confused and has lied and manipulated so much he cant even see straight and in order to justify his own actions and deal with his own guilt he has told himself and you some mis-truths to make himself look and feel better.

I wouldnt even bother trying to figure out ANY of his words today.

Hes going crazy, he cant handle the end, cant handle staying with you anymore either, he is really a mess.

Im sorry. Sometimes I have to think to myself...Im hurt...but he cant ever hurt me again. I feel bad you are going through this. Block all paths, do not contact in any way...your going to miss him at times, stay strong. You are better off.

Listen to Demi Lovato's song "Warrior"

[jenkins95]

......when its bad for me...its BAD.

 

 

I so relate to this privategal! Yesterday was a bit of a shocker for me. Wehn you are down it feels so permanent - I had to keep telling myself that i didn't feel this down last week and I likely won't next week. We just need to ride it out. But boy it's tough.

 

Some great ideas for chapters Babs: -

Affairs Suck!

Letters of the Broken-hearted

Do not Fall in Love with a Married Man!

Why Married Men will Never Leave Their Spouse

Why do Woman Fall for a Married Man?

 

Adding some MM-related ones: -

 

Why men are like big kids

Learning that actions have consequnces

How to re-connect with your spouse after an intense affair

The importance of NC, and guarding against breaching it

How to fix a stale marriage and avoid an affair

The tricks your mind plays on you when in love

The power of good advice/counselling

 

Keep these coming guys.

 

Youi know I really am starting to think we could actually do wiomethign with this. After all, we are all experts in affairs - very sad to say, but true. Why not try to turn that into a positive. We would also need to get some BW/BH/WW/OM on board for a full balanced picture.

 

Keep them coming guys

[jenkins95]

solonely, massive hugs to you (((solonely))).

 

It's horrible what you had to go through, but wow, you were strong! I'm so proud of you. And you don't seem to have been destroyed by the experience. Sure it's taken it's toll and you are very tired and emotional, but you say yourself that it hasn't hurt as much as you would have thought hat it would.

 

Try to turn it into a positive - he's laid his cards on the table. There is only one way to go now. Full NC towards recovery.

 

I'm not too impressed with some of the things he said, and as a MM myself, I am amazed at how quickly he seems to have moved on. But his crying in the car is telling. I think I too probably gave the impression that I was moving on quickly, but inside, behind the façade, I was dying. Months later, I am still a mess. Perhaps he is carrying more pain inside than he dares admit, even to himself? Or do you think he knew you would be watching him in his car? Do you think that there was an element of him "putting on a show" for you?

 

You are amazing solonely - despite your pain, you post in such a refreshing, unassuming, nice way. You seem so lovely. The future could be so great! There could be so many negative and positives to be taken from this recent event - grab the positives and use them to focus your recovery and throw the negatives away!

 

We are here for you! Keep posting! You are one of my heroes of the day.

[Adoraxx]

Hi Solonely,

 

I'm sorry to hear about what happened yesterday. On what day of NC did he reappear?

 

I agree with what the other posters said....

 

Oh, and this :

The only question I asked him was how he was able to move on so quickly, something that many posters here have been wondering. And guess what? Compartmentalizing!!! I said: "How did you get over your feelings?," to which he replied: "I have not gotten over them yet, but I have chosen not to feel anything. I have chosen to block my emotions in regards to you." Well, good luck with that! I hope it works for him.

 

My xMM always said that he just 'turned a switch' inside his head and then he moves on (???). Very odd. I sure wish I had a switch like that too when it comes to HIM!!!! :/.

 

Hugs

[jenkins95]

Hi Solonely,

 

I'm sorry to hear about what happened yesterday. On what day of NC did he reappear?

 

I agree with what the other posters said....

 

Oh, and this :

 

 

My xMM always said that he just 'turned a switch' inside his head and then he moves on (???). Very odd. I sure wish I had a switch like that too when it comes to HIM!!!! :/.

 

Hugs

 

Adoraxx

 

I'm an MM who seems not to have been fitted with this switch that I hear that so many other MMs have! I wish I did have one! Maybe I'll have a word with a plastic surgeon to see if he can fit one in for me, and maybe I'll have a tummy tuck at the same time

 

Yes, one of my answers to stress and being down is comfort eating - as my increasingly tighter clothes will testify!

 

Anyone else suffer physical symptoms due to the stresses of their affair? My weight has been like a yo-yo this past year, and I did have some hair loss, but it's come back thankfully!