why did he kiss me if he says it can't work?

[hhhhhhhhh7]

Basically I've had this flirty friendship with my brother's work colleague since we met about six months ago. He's 36 and I'm 23. We've been meeting up with each other as "friends" for things like gigs, meals out and dancing, meeting for coffee when we're both free. We've got a lot in common and get on really well, but I've always assumed nothing more would come of it.

 

Anyway, last night he invited me to his friend's engagement party. He kept catching my eye when we were in conversation with other people. He said, "you're looking beautiful". When he introduced me to some of his friends he said "we have a really intense friendship, don't we? We see each other all the time". When we were dancing he grabbed me by the waist and started kissing me in front of all of his other work colleagues. We were being pretty PDA, and as people who don't really like that he kept saying me to "this is bad, we shouldn't be doing this". Anyway, as he was walking back to mine he kept stopping me and kissing me and saying things like "this can't go any further" and then continuing to kiss me. He said "your brother's workspace is literally down the corridor to me". I said I didn't see why that would matter and said I wasn't going to tell anyone what happened. He said we should, but then said if I didn't then he wouldn't.

 

I admittedly got quite annoyed/tired of him saying this, so I said, "shall we just forget it then?" and he said, "I don't believe in ignoring things" - but then said again "this can't go any further, we just can't". I went to walk away and he asked if we could meet for lunch today to discuss it. But I'm really confused - what needs to be discussed? Should I meet with him; and how should I approach the situation?

[elaine567]

He knows it can't work due to the age difference or the fact he doesn't want a relationship with you, yet he is sexually attracted to you and wants to have sex with you.

 

If you just want sex too, then great, if you want anything more, tread very warily, he has told you it can't work, believe him.

[hippychick3]

He is probably seeing someone else.

[elaine567]

He is probably seeing someone else.

Yes, that is the other scenario.

[RRM321]

Full turn-about. He's setting you up to be the scapegoat when he runs.

 

He's 13 years older than you are and knows that he's going to get a lot of push back and disapproval from people. This is his way of making you assume the emotional responsibility when he hits it and runs.

[deep_night]

i think he was showing off about having a younger companion at the party. he sounds like a complete jackass.

[Boomerangmagnet]

Was he trying to make someone jealous?

[Emilia]

Agree with the above. If you had sex, he could walk away claiming that it was a moment's weakness, how he had said it was a bad idea and even blame you

[Emilia]

Full turn-about. He's setting you up to be the scapegoat when he runs.

 

He's 13 years older than you are and knows that he's going to get a lot of push back and disapproval from people. This is his way of making you assume the emotional responsibility when he hits it and runs.

 

^^^^ precisely

[RRM321]

Wouldn't it be great if we could do this with our auto-insurance? "Hi, I'm setting up a hit and run crash - just wanted to let you know in advance it's the other driver's fault."

 

It's an "intense friendship" because that's how this game is played.

[deep_night]

It's an "intense friendship" because that's how this game is played.

 

some people's poetic talent gets wasted, doesnt it

*vomits*

[smackie9]

Someone did this to me when I was 18. He had a GF......jerk. My sister in law stepped in and warned me thank god.

[mrldii]

OP, many men on discussion boards and in real life remind us women all the time that 'men are wired differently...they can have (and deserve!) sex with no emotional connection; they can have sex just for the fun of it'.

 

There's a reason for the saying "A stiff d*ck has no conscience"; don't be that reason.

 

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[Satu]

*i think he was showing off about having a younger companion at the party. he sounds like a complete jackass.

 

*That was my first thought too.

 

And yes, he does sound like a jackass.

[hhhhhhhhh7]

Aha, thanks for the laughs guys! He is indeed a jackass. I think what seems most obvious to me is he's embarrassed about the age difference and what others would say (he kissed me when he was really drunk). And obviously he just wants a sh*g. Me and him have discussed our support for polyamorous relationships and we're quite aware that each other is single. He doesn't really "do" relationships (same), which is not a problem for me. So I'm just confused as to why he'd stop it at a kiss?

 

I kinda want to meet with him to see what he says - any good responses I should give him? You know, how to play the "player" at his own game?

 

I'm getting angry about it now! Ha!

[Emilia]

I don't know why you are feeling anger based on your post

[hhhhhhhhh7]

Because he's using a moral issue (the disapproval of my brother) to say that we couldn't sleep together/see each other, whilst at the same time basically putting two fingers up to my brother and kissing me in front of his workmates, and then making out he's having a big dilemma in between kisses walking me home. Then dragging it out further by saying we should meet up and discuss what we should do.

 

I'm angry that he's trying to make out that he's being the rational one, when he was the one who overstepped the friendship boundary anyway.

 

I guess I want some advice on how to tell him this without sounding aggression/confrontational and looking for a genuine answer; I know this guy is bad news, I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I want this guy to know that that he's talking **** and I'm not taking it

[mrldii]

...I guess I want some advice on how to tell him this without sounding aggression/confrontational and looking for a genuine answer; I know this guy is bad news, I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I want this guy to know that that he's talking **** and I'm not taking it

 

Oh, if that's what you're looking for, that's easy...

 

When I want others to know that they're "talking **** and I'm not taking it", I simply stop communicating/having anything more to do with them.

 

~Voila~ No aggression, no confrontation and the point gets well made, because if they continue to "talk ****", I'm no longer around to hear it.

 

 

Good luck!

[Emilia]

Because he's using a moral issue (the disapproval of my brother) to say that we couldn't sleep together/see each other, whilst at the same time basically putting two fingers up to my brother and kissing me in front of his workmates, and then making out he's having a big dilemma in between kisses walking me home. Then dragging it out further by saying we should meet up and discuss what we should do.

 

I'm angry that he's trying to make out that he's being the rational one, when he was the one who overstepped the friendship boundary anyway.

 

I guess I want some advice on how to tell him this without sounding aggression/confrontational and looking for a genuine answer; I know this guy is bad news, I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I want this guy to know that that he's talking **** and I'm not taking it

You don't. You walk. Silence speaks louder than words and some people don't deserve more.

[RRM321]

Others are right. If you're smart, you walk away.

 

It's all your fault. You're too young. You're too attractive. All he wanted was friendship but, it's too intense. You know this can't happen and yet, there you are dancing and kissing him. What were you thinking? He told you this had to stop! This is so intense, can't you see how hard he's fighting for your honor?

 

Are you angry?

Angry enough to come running back again and again, every time he dumps blame on you for this game?

 

Drama is a magnet. Don't be another piece of scrap iron.

[HereNorThere]

Can you at least give the guy a little credit? He knows hooking up with you isn't the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean doesn't want to do it.

 

When he's sober and thinking properly, he knows it would hurt your brother if he did it. I've been in similar situations before and forbidden fruit is a hard thing to deal with. You are two consenting adults and legally you'd be fine and he knows that, but he is trying to spare you the drama of having to explain this to your brother or him having to deal with the repercussions at work.

 

I've been on the other side of the fence with this one and eventually had to cease contact with the girl. I was good friends with her family and knew it would eventually get back to them. Even though I was closer to her age than theirs, I knew they saw her as a child and me as an adult. We were around 10 years apart, but she was a college graduate and probably around the same age yourself, but I just knew it would haunt their dreams since I'm older and hang out with them on their level.

[Emilia]

Can you at least give the guy a little credit? He knows hooking up with you isn't the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean doesn't want to do it.

 

When he's sober and thinking properly, he knows it would hurt your brother if he did it. I've been in similar situations before and forbidden fruit is a hard thing to deal with. You are two consenting adults and legally you'd be fine and he knows that, but he is trying to spare you the drama of having to explain this to your brother or him having to deal with the repercussions at work.

 

I've been on the other side of the fence with this one and eventually had to cease contact with the girl. I was good friends with her family and knew it would eventually get back to them. Even though I was closer to her age than theirs, I knew they saw her as a child and me as an adult. We were around 10 years apart, but she was a college graduate and probably around the same age yourself, but I just knew it would haunt their dreams since I'm older and hang out with them on their level.

 

A guy that age knows very much what he is doing. It's a game.

[HereNorThere]

A true monster of a person would have slept with her without giving a crap about what anyone else thinks or feels. He had the opportunity to use her and move on, but he didn't do that. I just think a guy in that position at least deserves a little credit.

 

Sure, I do think he could handle it a little better, but temptation is a hard thing to do with. There's nothing "wrong" with them hooking up, but he has the foresight to see that it may not end up well for them. That's more than I can say for most people.

[hhhhhhhhh7]

Ive been thinking about this all day! I really don't think his intention is to hurt me, maybe he does like the drama but it's true that he could have just shagged me and told people he hadn't - I mean, we left together so people probably assumed that anyway.

 

I really do want to see him again, I really like him and I know he's not going to ever be a boyfriend or whatever but I just generally like him being in my life. I feel a massive energy in the room when I'm with him.

 

He's messaging me and not acknowledging what happened, he's just being rally nice to me. Shall I meet with him like he's asking and bring it up??

[AMJ]

I hate being a little sister sometimes! I have three brothers. I can't even tell you how many times they've interfered in my love life. My oldest brother, for example, would have been super angry if his coworker had kissed me right in front of him like that.

 

It's kind of legit for him to be concerned about pissing your brother off by treating you badly.

Aside from their friendship, they're coworkers. That's a sticky situation.

 

He probably really wishes you were not related to his coworker. I'd meet him and see what he has to say, tell him not to worry about your brother so much, and to start worrying about how he's treating you.