He told his wife he ended our affair. He lied to her again

[ShatteredLady]

I used to work in a very male dominated industry. The telesales/telemarketing departments & the secretary pool were the fishing ground. From my office & my department you could see not only those areas but also the car park.

 

At one point I had to reprimand my department for 'running a book' on which MM was going to get the new female employee, who was shagging who, where they were doing it & how long it was going to last!

 

Women who had worked for years in telesales & constantly got rejected for promotions wondered why!! REALLY!! You were the company joke for giving that stupid account manager (5 second Steve) BJs in his car every lunchtime for 6 months & you think you'll be given a position of authority in the company!!

 

Anyone who believes that they're having a 'secret' workplace affair with a MM is very, very naive! Even when you always sneak out different doors & meet around the corner, EVERYONE knows & YES! they're appalled or laughing at you. Neither is good for your career!!

[13Hearts]

In the long run, I agree with that. It is absolutely his responsibility, and not hers, to think of the children. And if I was in the same position, as a single OW, I would more than likely feel the same way as she does. And I do think that she does need to put herself first.

 

I should have clarified my point more, but hem hawed around: I think her statement of him being the one who should leave the job exemplifies that no one takes into consideration the children, whether it is her, and mostly especially not him. No, she has no obligation to the kids, at all, but one would think that the thought of them, or some sort of compassion would come through... but the children, are almost always an after thought, if any thought at all, in these situations.

 

Anyway, I don't think that she is mentally anywhere near him losing his job because of this, OR reporting it. She's still in the affair!

 

But I absolutely agree... he is the culprit in this, and he should be the one who suffers in the end. His wife and kids are the disposable ones (made so by him, more than anyone else).

 

Watching my brother's child go through what he went through when my brother separated and divorced his child's mother, the pain, heartache, and absolute agony that toddler experienced as a result, gave me the perspective and resolve to make the personal commitment 20 years ago to NEVER get involved with or even entertain the idea of involving myself with a man with school-age (less than 19 years old) children who is not already divorced. EVER. Because doing so harms a child, no matter how you slice it. And to selfishly harm a child is the the most horrible sin you can commit. As women, I feel we have a duty to eachother and to mothers of our society's children, to support and strengthen them because they do such important, crucial work. They are raising our nation's children, who are our future, and the FASTEST and surest path to poverty in the U.S. is to become a single mother. It's a statistical FACT.

[13Hearts]

I used to work in a very male dominated industry. The telesales/telemarketing departments & the secretary pool were the fishing ground. From my office & my department you could see not only those areas but also the car park.

 

At one point I had to reprimand my department for 'running a book' on which MM was going to get the new female employee, who was shagging who, where they were doing it & how long it was going to last!

 

Women who had worked for years in telesales & constantly got rejected for promotions wondered why!! REALLY!! You were the company joke for giving that stupid account manager (5 second Steve) BJs in his car every lunchtime for 6 months & you think you'll be given a position of authority in the company!!

 

Anyone who believes that they're having a 'secret' workplace affair with a MM is very, very naive! Even when you always sneak out different doors & meet around the corner, EVERYONE knows & YES! they're appalled or laughing at you. Neither is good for your career!!

 

Yup. MM at my (very large) office had a club. As soon as a new girl started, they would exchange email listing where she was located. They would all walk by the new girl's desk to check her out. It's disgusting. They're like dogs sniffing after her behind.

[ladydesigner]

Watching my brother's child go through what he went through when my brother separated and divorced his child's mother, the pain, heartache, and absolute agony that toddler experienced as a result, gave me the perspective and resolve to make the personal commitment 20 years ago to NEVER get involved with or even entertain the idea of involving myself with a man with school-age (less than 19 years old) children who is not already divorced. EVER. Because doing so harms a child, no matter how you slice it. And to selfishly harm a child is the the most horrible sin you can commit. As women, I feel we have a duty to eachother and to mothers of our society's children, to support and strengthen them because they do such important, crucial work. They are raising our nation's children, who are our future, and the FASTEST and surest path to poverty in the U.S. is to become a single mother. It's a statistical FACT.

 

I thank you for this post it is exactly why I am staying put until the kids are grown.

[13Hearts]

I thank you for this post it is exactly why I am staying put until the kids are grown.

 

Good for you! By the time they are grown you may figure "Well, We got this far" and decide to stick it out. Divorce is a really bad financial decision.

[cocorico]

As women, I feel we have a duty to eachother and to mothers of our society's children, to support and strengthen them because they do such important, crucial work. They are raising our nation's children, who are our future, and the FASTEST and surest path to poverty in the U.S. is to become a single mother. It's a statistical FACT.

 

There is no earthly reason - beyond prejudice- that this should be any more true of women than of men.

 

Women have no more "duty" to other women (as women or as mothers) than do men - especially those men who are married to those women, or who are fathers to those children.

 

Conspiracy theories involving "sisterhoods" or "women's duty" or any other essentialist nonsense based on pre-enlightenment views of "a woman's role" are misogynist, transphobic and just another way of placing the responsibility for how men behave at women's doors.

[Babsinhealing]

Hello. I am new to this forum and desperately need some guidance. I have been involved with a married man for over a year. We work together. He is married with 2 children. He has told me he loves me, he will leave her for me, everything I wanted to hear. We talk constantly and are very much in love. Last week his wife found by looking through his credit card statements. Found evidence he could no longer deny. She knows my name and who I am and that we work together. Of course, he did what I thought he would never do. Went running to her, apologizing, and downplaying our relationship. He has not told her how long it has been going on, or that we have sex all the time, and that he has professed his love for me for months and months. She did not kick him out, he is still sleeping in their bed, and they are going to counseling to sort it out. She told him to cut off all contact with me. He said he did. Problem is, he has texted, called and taken me to lunch all week. Showed up at my house in tears. Begging me to wait a little longer but says he is afraid she will take his kids if he tells her the truth. He had the golden opportunity to leave. But he stayed with her. I need someone to smack me in the head with some wisdom so I can stop being his soft spot to land. She clearly is in denial or doesn't care that he cheated. How could she so quickly forgive him? And I know he is miserable at home. Why else would still be after me? He even said this week he wants me to meet his mother. Am I the worlds biggest idiot? Has he been lying to me too? I truly believed he loved me. Please help!

Hummingbird 29- if you read my thread you will see some key similarities. So I feel your pain! My OM lied to her about everything post d-day...she would dig and dig until she found more and he would finally admit things as they were exposed. She feels she knows 90% now (still trying to get a full story) but in all honestly, she knows about 10%! If she knew the full extent she would be mortified and would have ended it, and I think he knew that. I do feel he did it to protect her- as she was devastated. In addition, while communication dropped off he still managed to see me several times post d-day (lying to her all along) and even talked to her on the phone while lying in bed next to me. But it just got too hard for me- it will fade, he will be less and less focused on you, he will struggle with trying to keep it together at home and with you (check out Dylon's posts on my thread for a guy's perspective). The longer it lasts the more messy it gets. I decided to end it before things ended ugly between us. I miss him terribly but I was so sick of being sad, wondering, pining... While he was home trying to "fix" his marriage. As time passed I realized I was no longer the priority. Stay strong my friend- it won't be easy but at this point... It's bound to only get uglier.

[cocorico]

Good for you! By the time they are grown you may figure "Well, We got this far" and decide to stick it out. Divorce is a really bad financial decision.

 

It depends who you're married to. Divorcing my xH freed me of all his debt. I was far happier as a single parent raising kids that didn't include in their number a supposed "adult". LD's situation is different, but she needs to weigh up costs of all kinds, not just financial.

[loveisanaction]

Girl,

 

I can feel your pain from across my computer screen.

 

Like everyone else has said, don't resent his wife for forgiving her husband and trying to keep her family together. She made a vow for better or for worse and that is what she is doing, honoring her vows.

 

You will get over this, it will take one foot in front of the other and one day at a time but you WILL get over it.

 

You're a single and successful woman, any single man would be honored to have you as their girlfriend. So go out and find yourself one.

 

If only married men knew the damage they cause because they allow the little head to take over from the big one...Arrghhh!!!...:mad:

[ladydesigner]

Hummingbird 29- if you read my thread you will see some key similarities. So I feel your pain! My OM lied to her about everything post d-day...she would dig and dig until she found more and he would finally admit things as they were exposed. She feels she knows 90% now (still trying to get a full story) but in all honestly, she knows about 10%! If she knew the full extent she would be mortified and would have ended it, and I think he knew that. I do feel he did it to protect her- as she was devastated. In addition, while communication dropped off he still managed to see me several times post d-day (lying to her all along) and even talked to her on the phone while lying in bed next to me. But it just got too hard for me- it will fade, he will be less and less focused on you, he will struggle with trying to keep it together at home and with you (check out Dylon's posts on my thread for a guy's perspective). The longer it lasts the more messy it gets. I decided to end it before things ended ugly between us. I miss him terribly but I was so sick of being sad, wondering, pining... While he was home trying to "fix" his marriage. As time passed I realized I was no longer the priority. Stay strong my friend- it won't be easy but at this point... It's bound to only get uglier.

 

They only do this to protect themselves. My WH told me the same after False R was discovered. He tried to protect me, what a crock

 

I was just like the BS in your sitch after first Dday. I knew in my gut the relationship meant more to my WH than he portrayed to me although I DID find out the real truth and my WH could not deny.

[Hummingbird29]

Hey everyone. I posted here months ago after my MM had DDday. We have been in a very intense emotional and physical A for a little over a year. We work together. He has been married a while and has kids. DDday occurred because of credit card statements. I am a single woman, never married and no children. Successful and educated. Wise in every area of my life except relationships. I have never had a healthy one. Ever. And I have had several long-term relationships. I met my MM and like everyone says, an instant spark. Since then we have been involved in a super intense A. I have ended it more times than I can count but they are all false break-ups in the hopes it will get him to leave her for me, which he has of course told me a million times be will do (next month, this summer; after vacation...etc) I believe it every time. Recently I went NC for the longest I ever have. A whopping three days (so pathetic) we work together so I see him five days a week. The moment I see him I melt. All my strong resolve melts away. All I see is him and I together. I know his wife knows very little of our A. I'm sure he told her it was just friends or something. How else could he come over for hours at a time and still be allowed to work with me. I do stalk her FB page. From time to time. It's very masochistic. But I find it a compulsion almost. She is nothing like me, physically or personality-wise. I have met her at a work event. He says they haven't had sex since February. I'm sure that is untrue. I guess I'm just venting. I know the right thing to do for all involved is for me to leave him. Go NC. Move on. But I fail every time. He can lie to me up and down but when he tells me he loves me and proposes to me (which he does constantly) I can't say no. Any advice on how to see him as the creep he is instead of keeping him on this pedestal?? He is loved by everyone who meets him. Full of charm. Gorgeous looking. I just can't believe I'm still stuck on this. I really try to be a good person. A consummate rule follower. In every category but relationships. It feels like I am

Too weak to end this. And I guess I am. Thanks for listening. I love reading the posts on here. They really comfort me in a strange way. Good luck to everyone. Be stronger than me!

[privategal]

Im very wary by all of your choice of words you already know the answers, even know the advice you'd get...but I can see clearly you are not even in the ballpark of even trying or attempting to quit this.

You look at the fb page of the very woman you are betraying and you go through constant breakups and here you are making pitiful excuses like I just melt, Im too weak.

I think any advice to you is a waste of time. You either want out or you dont. All this fence sitting and Im too weak talk says you dont.

Its your life. Best of luck.

[SomethingToSay]

You have to quit your job. You will have no chance if ending it if you work together. Thaat needa to be your first immediate step and if you cant do that there is hope or point in discussing further.

 

He proposed to you? Gross. Guess he is like that man on Sister Wives. (Who by the way has 4 wives and he still gets caught cheating.) Vile.

[ladydesigner]

(((Hummingbird29))) You can follow through if you really want to, but you have to want that more than MM.

 

A's become like an addiction and your MM knows you are addicted to him because you only go NC for 3 days. He knows you are going to break down, he expects it.

 

Can you get into see an IC to help you fight this addiction?

[Hummingbird29]

(((Hummingbird29))) You can follow through if you really want to, but you have to want that more than MM.

 

A's become like an addiction and your MM knows you are addicted to him because you only go NC for 3 days. He knows you are going to break down, he expects it.

 

Can you get into see an IC to help you fight this addiction?

 

Yes I have an appointment next week. I know I'm fully addicted to this.

[Hummingbird29]

You have to quit your job. You will have no chance if ending it if you work together. Thaat needa to be your first immediate step and if you cant do that there is hope or point in discussing further.

 

He proposed to you? Gross. Guess he is like that man on Sister Wives. (Who by the way has 4 wives and he still gets caught cheating.) Vile.

 

Yes. I know working together is not helping. You are right.

[ladydesigner]

Yes I have an appointment next week. I know I'm fully addicted to this.

 

Good for you! That is a start in the right direction and I hope it helps you move on to a healthier life for yourself.

[SammySammy]

I was once very proud of the fact that I had never cheated. Spent too much time looking down my nose and being judgmental of others. Until I got caught up. In a situation very similar to yours with all the same emotions and regrets.

 

You've got to stop beating yourself up. I don't believe any of us are morally superior to you though some people may try to make you feel that way.

 

The bottom line is you're in a situation and you've got to get out of it.

 

It's like having a splinter. Hurts like heck, but the only way to get better is to remove the splinter. It's going to hurt. Might bleed. You may need to clean the wound. Medicate it. Bandage it. But, that's the only way to heal.

 

As others have said, you know what you have to do. It's going to hurt. There's going to be a healing process. It's going to take some time.

 

The negative self-talk doesn't help though. You're not weak. You're not helpless. You're not incapable of doing this. You're human. Just like the rest of us.

 

When it's time, I have confidence that you can and will do what it takes to move your life forward to a better place. Many of us have been there, done that and got the t-shirt. I'm certain you can do it too.

[thecharade]

You need help. The common thinking is that we recreate similar relationships as those we grew up with. If we chased love as a child, we chase it as an adult. When you get some help understanding yourself, you will be able to move away from this guy.

[bathtub-row]

My xMM was handsome, charming, and the owner of the company I work for. Talk about a vicious tangled web. It took a very long time to fully extract myself from the affair. But one day you'll get sick of it all and you'll slowly find yourself not as amused and charmed by him or the situation.

 

Food for thought: xMM once told me, "You're with me because I'm safe." What he meant by that is that he wasn't a real relationship that I had to contend with. With all the past failed relationships, I went for an affair because it was safer than dealing with a real, live potential train wreck. It took me a long time to understand his words. But he was right. The same may be true for you.

[SomethingToSay]

So what is your plan as far as your last day? Do you have another job ined up? Have you looked?

[Quiet Storm]

You have to be your own babysitter. The smart, successful, wise and strong part of you has to be the parent. Your strong side must be the protector of the weak, vulnerable, trusting side of you.

 

You know he makes you weak and makes you melt. You have that self awareness. So you take that information and use it to check yourself before you wreck yourself.

 

You don't have to be a slave to your emotions.