I forgave a cheater but can't get over the pain. ?

[ah10]

I found out about 6 months ago that my boyfriend was cheating on me with a French girl. They were in an affair for 3-4 months. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship, and by the time I met him in his city and found out about cheating through his messages, that girl had already left the country forever and gone back to France. After she left, they decided to just stay friends and stay in touch over Skype and WhatsApp.

 

When I found out he apologized to me a lot and I forgave him. I gave him a second chance. He has been very good to me during these last 6 months and our relationship, after cheating, actually became stronger and better than before.

 

Now I am going to marry him in a few months' time. But secretly the pain of having been cheated on never leaves me. I keep thinking that what if I hadn't found out, he would have never told me. He would have not ended the contact with that French girl. In fact, they were constantly in touch and would have continued to be.

 

It pains me immensely when I think about it. It was just a matter of chance that I found those messages when I visited him. Otherwise, I don't know what would have happened. What should I do? Should I keep a check on my anxiety and pain, because our relationship has only come out much stronger after that episode? Or what?

[ExpatInItaly]

You two are not ready to get married yet.

 

You have very valid concerns about him. He demonstrated he is not trustworthy and not enough time has really passed since the betrayal, in my opinion. It wasn't just a one-time drunken hook-up; this was a sustained affair. You're right that you probably wouldn't have ever found out if you hadn't discovered it. This should tell you a lot about your boyfriend's character. It is also very concerning that they continued to keep in contact after that. They would probably still be communicating now if you hadn't found out. Did you have a feeling that something was off? What steps has he taken now to make amends to you? Apologizing is important but it's not really enough to heal what he's done.

 

Do not try to ignore your feelings, because this will likely lead to a major rupture later on in the relationship. Why did you decide to get married now? If you are intent on going ahead with it, I would insist on pre-martial counselling. You are rightfully still hurt by all of this and it needs to be sorted out before you think about committing yourself to him for life.

[smackie9]

I urgently suggest you both go through premarital counseling, and discuss this further together.

 

I know someone that cheated on his GF....he bought a ring and got engaged out of guilt. Just keep that under your hat as you go through counseling.

[ExpatInItaly]

I urgently suggest you both go through premarital counseling, and discuss this further together.

 

I know someone that cheated on his GF....he bought a ring and got engaged out of guilt. Just keep that under your hat as you go through counseling.

 

Oddly, I know a guy who did this too. The marriage is now in rough shape because he didn't propose for the right reasons and of course his wife feels she can't trust him.

 

OP, don't suffer secretly. Your boyfriend majorly f*cked up and needs to be held accountable. Do you friends and family know what happened? Or have you hidden it?

[SoleMate]

What should I do? Should I keep a check on my anxiety and pain?

Your gut is there for a reason. Sometimes your heart and head get a little confused and they need a trustworthy backup.

 

...our relationship has only come out much stronger after that episode...secretly the pain of having been cheated on never leaves me....

I suggest that on the surface your relationship seems strong, but your deepdown reliable gut knows that it's not. When you can't share your deepest feelings and concerns with your supposedly devoted life partner, unhappiness is more or less inevitable.

 

Keep in mind that as you consider marriage, you're making choices with lifelong implications for your happiness, and the stability and happiness of your family and hence any children you may plan or happen to have.

 

Here's an analogy that might be easier to digest...imagine wanting to build a house, and having your heart set on a lot that is revealed to have a high risk of toxic waste and/or a big sinkhole underneath it. Knowing there are many other lots out there with lower risks. Everyone will tell you to not take that risk. All metaphors eventually break down......plots of land do not have free will or the ability to change their behavior. But just think about how your actions and choices now could affect your future. And I'd recommend talking to your wisest friends and family members too. (If you feel you have no one to talk to IRL about this, then I'd suggest it's an overwhelming signal to not make anything irrevocable.)

 

Has your bf made any touch changes or taken unambiguous steps to show that he's totally changed his ethics and mindset over the past 6 months? Has he had top face any real consequences?

[Satu]

It pains me immensely when I think about it. It was just a matter of chance that I found those messages when I visited him. Otherwise, I don't know what would have happened. *What should I do? Should I keep a check on my anxiety and pain, because our relationship has only come out much stronger after that episode? Or what?

 

*That feeling of 'wrongness' will never completely go away.

 

In fact, its more likely to increase.

 

You should think about whether you can live with that for the rest of your life.

[ah10]

Thanks for the advice

 

But in India, there aren't really any marriage counselors, especially not in the city where I live. So I don't think I can avail that option. Can you suggest something else?

 

We are intent on marrying because the talk of our marriage was already on between our families at the time I found out - all our relatives, friends etc also knew. Also because I think it's the long-distance that made him more susceptible to cheating. I want to get married and plug in the voids.

 

I never told anyone at home about this because I thought, and still think, that they will judge me and criticize me for giving my boyfriend a second chance. When we do get married, nobody will respect him from my family. And I don't want that situation.

 

The changes in my bf in last 6 months -- He has become extremely open and honest about his feelings and thoughts with me, he does not pull back from revealing his vulnerabilities and weaknesses to me. He understands me better than before, and actually better than anyone has ever understood me. Our conversations are more meaningful, deep, spiritual and practical than they were before. Plus he always keeps me updated on where he is, what he is doing, keeps calling me and messaging me from time to time. He has adopted a healthier lifestyle by taking up some good hobbies. So I see a marked improvement. I know he has come a long way.

 

But still what other option besides pre-marital counseling can you suggest?

Edited March 6, 2016 by ah10

[smackie9]

Is there not a Guru you can seek advice from?

[ah10]

If you are intent on going ahead with it, I would insist on pre-martial counselling. You are rightfully still hurt by all of this and it needs to be sorted out before you think about committing yourself to him for life.

 

Could you suggest an alternative please? Can't avail the option of pre-marital counseling where I live.

 

*I have given the additional information that you asked for, in the reply just above this*

 

Thanks

[ah10]

Is there not a Guru you can seek advice from?

 

Umm no. Gurus generally don't help with this stuff.

 

I have only told my best friend about this. She thinks that I should go ahead because of the improvement that has happened. Plus she thinks that my boyfriend is basically a nice guy, who strayed because of the long distance.

[ah10]

Has your bf made any touch changes or taken unambiguous steps to show that he's totally changed his ethics and mindset over the past 6 months?

 

He has become extremely open and honest about his feelings and thoughts with me, he does not pull back from revealing his vulnerabilities and weaknesses to me. He understands me better than before, and actually better than anyone has ever understood me. Our conversations are more meaningful, deep, spiritual and practical than they were before. Plus he always keeps me updated on where he is, what he is doing, keeps calling me and messaging me from time to time. He has adopted a healthier lifestyle by taking up some good hobbies. So I see a marked improvement. I know he has come a long way.

[sandylee1]

There is counselling by Skype.

 

Also have you considered staying engaged for a while longer to see if you feel different.

 

Your fiancé needs to read the book 'how to help your spouse heal from an affair ' .... your not married yet..but it still applies.

 

Entering a marriage without that trust is not advisable.

[ah10]

Your fiancé needs to read the book 'how to help your spouse heal from an affair ' .... your not married yet..but it still applies.

 

Thanks

 

I have downloaded the e-book.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would strongly recommend the Skype counselling option.

 

Distance didn't cause your boyfriend to suddenly become deceptive. I can understand that it's hard when you're SO isn't near you, and there is a desire for closeness with someone.

 

However, your boyfriend made a choice to do the wrong thing by lying and disrespecting your entire relationship. He demonstrated how little he values you.

 

What consequences did he face as a result of this?

[road]

I would not marry him.

[ah10]

What consequences did he face as a result of this?

 

My first reaction was to break-up with him, which I did. Though we didn't stay broken up for long, I took about a day or two to cool off. After discussing this with him personally, I took my boyfriend on a Video Conference Call with the other girl (I made a surprise call to both of them). I did this so that my boyfriend confesses everything up straight. The Con Call actually left both of them in a worse state than me (it was strange, I saw that they were more vulnerable at that point than me!). That girl kept crying through most of the call, and my boyfriend was in a sad and shocked state - unable to talk much or look up. But I got the answers to all my questions. That Skype call was his last contact with the girl. She withdrew completely after that.

 

For days after that, I kept bringing up this topic regularly with him. I wanted to know more and more. He was patient and supportive during the recovery period. And I have healed a lot since that time.

 

Also I wanted to teach him a lesson on how it feels to be cheated on. So 3 months back in mid-December, I went to visit my best friend (a girl) in another city and stayed with her for 2 days. On one of the nights, I LIED to my boyfriend and said that I was going out for drinks with an old college time guy friend, whom he doesn't know. And then I switched off my phone for 3-4 hours at night. That freaked out my boy friend. Obviously, I told him later that I was messing with him so that he learns how I felt. He sure learnt his lesson, because after that day he stayed low and depressed for at least a week before getting fine.

 

Apart from this, he didn't have to face any other consequence. I did what I thought would work. I don't know whether I should've done something else.

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, I think you see that playing the revenge game didn't do much in the long-run. Sure, it probably felt good in the moment but ultimately, you don't feel much better for it.

 

How do you know he has zero contact with his affair partner now? Does he allow open access to his phone, email, Skype, social media, etc? Please don't just take his word for it. If he's not been transparent with his devices and accounts, you don't really know who's he in touch with. Yes, the video conference call was a good step but it doesn't sound as though your boyfriend has had to do much beyond that.

 

I recommend you browse through the Infidelity forum on this site. You will hear from many people who have been in your position and can probably offer you better advice about what to do now.

 

Put the wedding on hold at the very least.

[elaine567]

Cheaters tend to lie, they lie to their OW(other woman), they lie to their SO.

Many come on here saying, he cheated during our engagement I forgave him and now he is cheating again, we have 2 little kids what can I do?

Do not be that person.

 

Cheaters tend not to have the same moral compass that non cheaters do.

 

The video conference call - yes, it humiliated them, but most cheaters hang their heads in shame and are sooo sorry, because they got caught - not because they feel they did anything wrong. And that is one of the problems you face.

 

On another board here an OW tells the story of how her MM(married man) has been caught by his wife, he is distraught, he has promised his wife the world in recompense, he is not leaving his wife, he promises to behave, he agrees to counselling, he wants to save his marriage BUT he is still spending any time he can with the OW, he is still taking her out to lunch...

His wife thinks he has cut all contact with the OW...

The story is not an uncommon one.

Do not be naive.

 

Your fiancé cheated on you during the "honeymoon phase" of your relationship, how is he going to resist the temptation of other women when your relationship is not that new or intense?

 

YOU at the moment are still single - you are free, you can fly like a bird - do not chain yourself to a cheater and all the associated misery.

I know you have the pressure of family here, but this is your life...

[ah10]

How do you know he has zero contact with his affair partner now? Does he allow open access to his phone, email, Skype, social media, etc? Please don't just take his word for it. If he's not been transparent with his devices and accounts, you don't really know who's he in touch with.

 

I know that the contact is over because the other girl blocked me and my boyfriend on Facebook, WhatsApp, Skype and Hangouts, immediately after our Video Con Call. She lives in France and is not coming back here at all. She was here for only a 5 month training program last year.

 

I'm sad to admit this but I have more trust in that girl than in my boyfriend regarding 'No Contact'

 

I recommend you browse through the Infidelity forum on this site.

 

Thanks, I checked out that forum too..

[ah10]

YOU at the moment are still single - you are free, you can fly like a bird - do not chain yourself to a cheater and all the associated misery.

I know you have the pressure of family here, but this is your life...

 

Maybe it sounds horrible, but I still love him a lot. I can't imagine my future without him because we share a great connection on an emotional, intellectual, creative, spiritual and physical level. We want very similar things from life and we complement each other quite well. Actually a lot of that bond developed in the recovery phase in last 6 months.

 

Leaving him now is even more difficult than it was 6 months ago. Second chance is something that I have already given and I have come a certain distance from there.

 

Family judgement and criticism are also my concern, but not as important. In their eyes, I will lose my credibility as someone who can make rational choices with objectivity. Unfortunately, I don't think they will understand my situation too well. I have never been close to them.

 

Thank you though

[road]

Also I wanted to teach him a lesson on how it feels to be cheated on. So 3 months back in mid-December, I went to visit my best friend (a girl) in another city and stayed with her for 2 days. On one of the nights, I LIED to my boyfriend and said that I was going out for drinks with an old college time guy friend, whom he doesn't know. And then I switched off my phone for 3-4 hours at night. That freaked out my boy friend. Obviously, I told him later that I was messing with him so that he learns how I felt. He sure learnt his lesson, because after that day he stayed low and depressed for at least a week before getting fine.

 

 

 

Problem with that fake revenge affair is that your BF will never know for sure that you were not out actually doing some old BF.

 

 

Decades later married, bunch of grandkids and he will trigger and then have doubts was she really bluffing me.

[Redhead14]

I found out about 6 months ago that my boyfriend was cheating on me with a French girl. They were in an affair for 3-4 months. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship, and by the time I met him in his city and found out about cheating through his messages, that girl had already left the country forever and gone back to France. After she left, they decided to just stay friends and stay in touch over Skype and WhatsApp.

 

When I found out he apologized to me a lot and I forgave him. I gave him a second chance. He has been very good to me during these last 6 months and our relationship, after cheating, actually became stronger and better than before.

 

Now I am going to marry him in a few months' time. But secretly the pain of having been cheated on never leaves me. I keep thinking that what if I hadn't found out, he would have never told me. He would have not ended the contact with that French girl. In fact, they were constantly in touch and would have continued to be.

 

It pains me immensely when I think about it. It was just a matter of chance that I found those messages when I visited him. Otherwise, I don't know what would have happened. What should I do? Should I keep a check on my anxiety and pain, because our relationship has only come out much stronger after that episode? Or what?

 

You are not prepared emotionally to marry this guy or any guy who cheats. My view on cheating is that for every rat you actually see, there are 50 more behind it or waiting . . .

 

He apologized to you . . . he wasn't sorry about the cheating, he's sorry he got caught.

 

I keep thinking that what if I hadn't found out, he would have never told me -- You are right about that.

 

You will be walking on eggshells for a very, very long time if you marry him. You have been long distance all this time and never spent enough quality time in person to even hope that a marriage would work with him.

 

Do yourself a favor and move on. Or, if you just can't move on yet, put off the wedding and live together for a while.

[mikeylo]

You say that he cheated because of long distance. Assuming, you guys get married and live happily for next 5 years and for some reason, you guys are long distance for a while, what do you think will happen?

Will you be able to sleep peacefully if he has to go out of city for a day or two for work?

 

Since he has gotten away without any consequences, except lip service, he WILL do it again.

 

Do not marry him. You will, but I will again say dont.

[HereNorThere]

If you're going to marry a cheater, you have to be okay with marrying cheater. There was nothing that magically changed in him or anything. The only real difference is now you know that he's cheater.

 

I think the issue here is that you are trying to rationalize or justify this as an act or a one time thing that happened instead of a personality trait that he has. I can assure you it's the latter whether you want to admit it or not. Everyone is capable of making a one time mistake or misjudgment, but it takes a special kind of deviancy to carry on living on double life. He plotted and lied to you for months, so it wasn't any sort of mistake in judgement. This guy is capable of living a whole other life without you and would still be doing so if he could. He didn't break up, she left. He didn't confess, you just found.

 

So sure, I think you'll marry him due to societal pressures and things like that. I just want to make sure that you go into the marriage with your eyes wide open. No more excuses for his behavior or pretending that you have an ironclad guarantee he will never cheat again. In fact, statically, he is much more likely to cheat again now that he has gotten away with it. You showed him that there isn't much he can't do to you and created a major power imbalance in the relationship when you rugswept his actions.

 

Please, just for the sake everything good in this world, do not create children with someone like this. If you choose to suffer yourself, that is your choice. Please just don't put children into the hands of someone with the much reckless disregard for other's feelings. You know who he is, so please at least spare the innocent from him.

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe it sounds horrible, but I still love him a lot. I can't imagine my future without him because we share a great connection on an emotional, intellectual, creative, spiritual and physical level. We want very similar things from life and we complement each other quite well. Actually a lot of that bond developed in the recovery phase in last 6 months.

 

Leaving him now is even more difficult than it was 6 months ago. Second chance is something that I have already given and I have come a certain distance from there.

 

Family judgement and criticism are also my concern, but not as important. In their eyes, I will lose my credibility as someone who can make rational choices with objectivity. Unfortunately, I don't think they will understand my situation too well. I have never been close to them.

 

Thank you though

 

What you're not grasping is that this is your view. It's not his. I don't say that to be harsh, but if he were so connected to you, he woudn't have cheated to begin with. It's not your fault, but you have a vastly different view of this special connection than he does. It's important you realize that before making any further steps to commit.

 

Also, the fact that you don't necessarily trust him to keep up No Contact is bad. He or this other girl can easily create accounts you don't know about. It happens all the time. Browse the Other Man/Other Woman forum and you'll see just how easy it is for cheaters to take it all underground and keep in touch with their affair partners.

 

I just think you're being quite willfully blind to a few things here. If you do marry him, you need to be a lot more honest with yourself about what you're signing up for. The man you thought you knew isn't there. He showed you exactly who he really is. This is who you're marrying. Not the idealized version of him you hoped he was.