Author ah10 Posted March 8, 2016 Author Share Posted March 8, 2016 Yes, you all are right. I think I'm being too naive in not admitting the situation as it is. The latest development is that I asked him for all his account passwords TODAY (I had asked him once before too, but then he had denied saying that he thought it was an intrusion into his space. So I had dropped the topic there). Today, I asked him again, and unsurprisingly, he again got angry with me for not respecting his space. Upon much insistence, he finally gave me his passwords. But then, he immediately asked me for my passwords. I told him that I have no problem in giving those to him but I'm not not the one who cheated, so I am not liable to share anything with him. His reply was, "How do I know that you never cheated?... You're making this situation worse by not giving me an access to your stuff. What are you hiding?" This left me in bit of a shock. I gave him my passwords because I had noting to hide, but I'm very sad right now. I think you all are right. I don't even feel like looking into his accounts. So an hour or two ago, I told him to change his passwords, which he did (I checked just now, I can't access anything). I feel like a fool. Actually I am a fool...I'm so gullible and stupid Anyway, thank you people... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 This is why trying to make him jealous by turning off your phone that night and implying you might have been with another man was a very unwise idea; I understand where you were coming from but it did more harm than good. He can now hold that over your head, even though you didn't actually step out on him. It contributed to an already toxic dynamic. That aside, he obviously still isn't comfortable being transparent. Therefore, you now know he isn't really interested in honesty and respect. He is not doing whatever it takes to win you back. If he were truly remorseful, he'd have been a lot more understanding about your request for his passwords. You very strongly need to reconsider staying with this guy. He's not a good catch. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 Not sure if it's your culture, but I find it a bit ridiculous that YOU would be the one ostracized, shamed, and put down if you chose not to forgive your lying, cheating boyfriend. And he's a lying cheater who protects his passwords to his accounts because he's a sneak and probably has a lot more going on than you realize. No Skype 'therapy' is going to fix that.. What will you do next time he cheats? And trust me, he will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ah10 Posted March 8, 2016 Author Share Posted March 8, 2016 Not sure if it's your culture, but I find it a bit ridiculous that YOU would be the one ostracized, shamed, and put down if you chose not to forgive your lying, cheating boyfriend. I won't be ostracized and put down for refusing to forgive him. My family thinks that I am quite bad at choosing my friends and boyfriends. I have made a few bad choices in the past as well (bad, because of other reasons). This time I had actually convinced them that my current boyfriend is very good and I had even enabled a meeting between both of our families, before this cheating episode even came to my knowledge. If I go back to my family now and tell them about cheating, they will never trust my choices in the future. I will lose all my credibility. Plus they will judge me for being too gullible and sympathetic towards my boyfriend in the aftermath of his betrayal coming to light. That's why I'm reluctant to come out in the open and tell everyone about it. But yeah I get your point. I know I won't be able to do anything if he cheats on me later. And even if he doesn't, I will still have to live with this painful knowledge and think about what would have happened had I not found out. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 I won't be ostracized and put down for refusing to forgive him. My family thinks that I am quite bad at choosing my friends and boyfriends. I have made a few bad choices in the past as well (bad, because of other reasons). This time I had actually convinced them that my current boyfriend is very good and I had even enabled a meeting between both of our families, before this cheating episode even came to my knowledge. If I go back to my family now and tell them about cheating, they will never trust my choices in the future. I will lose all my credibility. Plus they will judge me for being too gullible and sympathetic towards my boyfriend in the aftermath of his betrayal coming to light. That's why I'm reluctant to come out in the open and tell everyone about it. I guess your family will be more impressed with your judgement, if you leave a cheater, than if you marry him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 (edited) Yes, you all are right. I think I'm being too naive in not admitting the situation as it is. The latest development is that I asked him for all his account passwords TODAY (I had asked him once before too, but then he had denied saying that he thought it was an intrusion into his space. So I had dropped the topic there). Today, I asked him again, and unsurprisingly, he again got angry with me for not respecting his space. Upon much insistence, he finally gave me his passwords. But then, he immediately asked me for my passwords. I told him that I have no problem in giving those to him but I'm not not the one who cheated, so I am not liable to share anything with him. His reply was, "How do I know that you never cheated?... You're making this situation worse by not giving me an access to your stuff. What are you hiding?" This left me in bit of a shock. I gave him my passwords because I had noting to hide, but I'm very sad right now. I think you all are right. I don't even feel like looking into his accounts. So an hour or two ago, I told him to change his passwords, which he did (I checked just now, I can't access anything). I feel like a fool. Actually I am a fool...I'm so gullible and stupid Anyway, thank you people... First mistake you refusing to give your passwords. Second mistake you told him to change his passwords. Stick a fork in this relationship for neither of you are willing to be open and honest. This is why trying to make him jealous by turning off your phone that night and implying you might have been with another man was a very unwise idea; I understand where you were coming from but it did more harm than good. He can now hold that over your head, even though you didn't actually step out on him. It contributed to an already toxic dynamic. That aside, he obviously still isn't comfortable being transparent. Therefore, you now know he isn't really interested in honesty and respect. He is not doing whatever it takes to win you back. If he were truly remorseful, he'd have been a lot more understanding about your request for his passwords. You very strongly need to reconsider staying with this guy. He's not a good catch. He will never know if she had a RA or just turned her phone off. Edited March 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 It's probably not healthy to worry about what your family thinks, but we all understand. Trust me, you breaking off a short-term relationship will be NOTHING compared to the amount of shame you will have when he cheats on you again. It may not happen tomorrow, but that almost makes it worse. Just wait until you have children and shared finances. Do you think your parents will be happy when you have to live life as a single mother? There's no rule that says you have to tell your family everything. A simple "things didn't work out" response should be sufficient. I think you might be surprised at how little they actually want to know the details of your sex life. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 First mistake you refusing to give your passwords. She didn't refuse to give him her passwords, she just made the comment that she wasn't the one who cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 I forgave a cheater but can't get over the pain. ? -- You cannot say you've forgiven him until you can say that you are past the pain. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you've decided that it's OK what they've done. Forgiveness means that you are not going to burden yourself anymore with the negativity/pain/confusion over a situation and focus on the here and now and start working toward rebuilding the relationship from the ground up again. And, that can't happen unless the other person is fully engaged and focused on the same thing. You need to observe for quite some time whether or not they are demonstrating sincerity. Nevertheless, if you forgive, you forgive. Shed the negativity not for him, but for yourself no matter what comes of the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RRM321 Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 A little soul searching is in order. I think you forgave him too soon - without understanding why this happened. You need to figure out if this was truly situational, or part of his personality and character. Is he truly available in your relationship or do you always feel like you are in waiting? Chasing? Are you listening to a recurring pattern of apologies regarding a variety of things? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 He made a fatal mistake. When given the choice to change his passwords, he should not have done so. What a blown opportunity to do the right thing and prove to you that he was willing to do anything to give you peace. He didnt get it. Do not marry him. Link to post Share on other sites
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