What would you do?

[Joie]

A pretty disingenuous statement for a WS 18 months into recovery. Think about how "trust and mutual respect" took such a huge hit in the first place ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Are you guys making any progress 18 months in? I don't think everything should be solved in 18 months but things should be starting to improve.

 

I remember our therapist said if at two years out I was still constantly checking his phone and was still unable to be happy in the marriage that at that time we may need to consider other options.

 

I am not saying you need to get a divorce if things are not perfect but I would be concerned if you guys aren't making any progress.

[aliveagain]

My ex cheated on me for just over two years, I could never get over the humiliation I felt, having other mans baby sealed her fate. He has to convince himself your worth fighting for, that is hard to do because he has to accept that you threw it all away for what, kinky sex? He's got to be worth more then that? You were reckless and risked not only your marriage but his life, a two year affair, I doubt the three of you ever used protection.

 

He never had a say in what you did, he trusted you to have his back when he wasn't there to do it for himself. This is what hurts the most to a betrayed spouse, we trust blindly. You need to find a way to make him feel safe because it sounds like he has built quite a wall around himself for protection. His actions, like splitting finances, are actions of someone willing to walk away. Regardless of how things turn out, what should have been will never be. At 18 months I still cried in my car as I drove to work. Don't tell him your worth it, show him because words are easy to say. Just think of all the crap you told him when you planned your time with your affair partners. What's different now? You have to replace the horrible memories of the last 4 years with new and loving ones of you and your child if you want your marriage to survive.

[MuddyFootprints]

All your cards need to be put on the table. Are you both ready to talk about it, to fight about it, to embrace the discomfort and then each other?

 

Are you prepared to weep, to stand strong, to argue, to kiss, to rediscover the foundation of relationship beneath the rubble?

 

Are both of you ready to pick up the tools that you need to rebuild?

[bigman1]

I think that you and your husband are really on two different pages and he appears to be on the page that I see a lot of men who have been betrayed.

 

He appears to to view your marriage and his vows as a tangible thing. He's keeping the "marriage". He's honoring his "vows". You are sort of a necessary evil to keeping the marriage. He needs you to get on board with keeping the "marriage". I use quotes to distinguish the word. There is a difference, in my observation between a marriage and a "marriage".

 

Without quotes (marriage) is a loving union between two people with ups, downs, etc. With quotes ("marriage") is a possession. You stick it out, hunker down, who cares if you are miserable, angry, not in love or whatever. This thing has a life of its own and you keep it.

 

Some men, IMHO, sound all noble and valiant claiming to honor their vows and sticking with their marriage. The thing is, rather than their vows being an expression of love and commitment to a person, they are a set of rules and a promise to be kept not because of love, but because of obligation, fear of loss, fear of humiliation, loss of status, etc. Its like they chose to live in the harshest conditions because...well, they have to.

 

What you have detailed is mind blowing. While I would have cut you out of my life completely for both of our sakes, your husband has decided to stay. I think his secrecy and financial dealings are because he has decided that he can only find security in himself. He is toughing it out.

 

I knew a couple that I did not know were a couple. They were old school and from a religious background where divorce was just not done. Period. No questions. He lived on the East Coast and she lived in Middle America. Other than large family gatherings, they had lived separately for nearly 20 years, but they were still married. "Marriage" was important to them.

 

You have to figure out what your Husband needs, means and wants. In the end, it may be you who has to file for divorce because you want a marriage and not "marriage". OTOH, you are going to have to so some hard work to get him to want marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

Also, I'm not saying that anything he's done or that I fear he's doing are crimes that I'm presenting for judgement of his character, but rather just to explain why I'm worried that we are veering off the path to recovery.

 

That path isn't a straight line, either in the linear or vertical up and down sense. The WS's that successfully navigate the difficult road to recovery are the ones willing to endure the same discomfort, self-doubt and heartbreak they inflicted on their BS...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cloudcuckoo]

In my humble opinion, and I am merely a bystander, the crux of any movement forward In the situation of affair abuse lies in effective communication.

 

And by that I mean real, open, skin stripping honesty at every corner between the two of you, engaging in those scary issues at the very root of your problems.

 

Your husband cannot simply refer you to your therapist as a tactic not to engage in those excruciatingly uncomfortable conversations, and really listening to what is actually verbalised to gain even the smallest recognition of the damage that had occurred as a result of your poor choices is vital.

 

At the moment it seems you are BOTH damned if you do and damned if you don't. I do hope you will be able to navigate this impasse...

[Satu]

You have not reconciled....you are reconciling....and you will be doing so the rest of your life.

 

As Carl Jung said:

 

"Always resolving, never resolved."

[Satu]

From my journal:

 

 

One day at a time:

 

No relationship is older than one day.

 

They need to be refreshed every day with a new investment of love, commitment, and passion.

 

If they aren't, they either die, or become stunted from a lack of feeding.

 

 

All that any of us can do is to keep pouring the best of ourselves into our relationships, day after day.

 

At first that sounds like a tall order, but it isn't really, because all we have to deal with is one day.

 

 

Take care.

[elaine567]

I think that you and your husband are really on two different pages and he appears to be on the page that I see a lot of men who have been betrayed.

 

He appears to to view your marriage and his vows as a tangible thing. He's keeping the "marriage". He's honoring his "vows". You are sort of a necessary evil to keeping the marriage. He needs you to get on board with keeping the "marriage". I use quotes to distinguish the word. There is a difference, in my observation between a marriage and a "marriage".

 

Without quotes (marriage) is a loving union between two people with ups, downs, etc. With quotes ("marriage") is a possession. You stick it out, hunker down, who cares if you are miserable, angry, not in love or whatever. This thing has a life of its own and you keep it.

 

Some men, IMHO, sound all noble and valiant claiming to honor their vows and sticking with their marriage. The thing is, rather than their vows being an expression of love and commitment to a person, they are a set of rules and a promise to be kept not because of love, but because of obligation, fear of loss, fear of humiliation, loss of status, etc. Its like they chose to live in the harshest conditions because...well, they have to.

 

What you have detailed is mind blowing. While I would have cut you out of my life completely for both of our sakes, your husband has decided to stay. I think his secrecy and financial dealings are because he has decided that he can only find security in himself. He is toughing it out.

 

I think bigman1 makes some great points.

 

OP

I guess you are correct, the minute your husband decided to stop the checking up on you was the moment he was essentially done with you. It was not "progress" it was an "ending".

He stopped fighting for his marriage and chose "marriage" instead.

I guess he is still undecided re "marriage" even, so he is getting his finances in order, organising "his" life, getting his own needs serviced (the escorts) and shutting you out.

He doesn't need therapy any longer, he is not interested in saving anything, he has moved on from that, he is "walking away".

Whether he physically walks away, depends on many things, but sooner or later I guess he will actually leave, or potentially force you to leave instead.

 

I think your marriage is dead.

 

Personally I feel you need to divorce, before he manages to squirrel away every joint asset you ever had and he ruins you in court.

Do some squirrelling away of your own, so at least you will be able to defend yourself if necessary.

Edited March 7, 2016 by elaine567

[Mrs. John Adams]

How can one even begin to imagine that healing would come faster than the affair itself?

 

For two years you engaged in damaging behavior....you are now 18 months from discovery....and to be honest....I am not seeing movement on either side toward reconciliation.

 

The only success I see is that you have become transparent...and that you are seeking help in addiction recovery.

 

He is now most probably involved in his own infidelity.

 

The funny thing about revenge affairs.....i think they are done for so many reasons. Bad behavior by a betrayed is not only reactive behavior...but it is destructive behavior. I think the betrayed does it not only to punish the wayward...but to punish themselves. There is a somewhat self destruction "hope" that says...I don't have the guts to leave so maybe if I am bad enough you will kick me out. I think that is why some betrayeds repeat this over and over. In their minds they could have 100 affairs and it still would not do what you the wayward have done. Cause/effect.....effect/cause

[heartwhole]

I feel strongly that the point of your original post is being missed by a lot of these responders. They are critiquing your growth and remorse from your own infidelity and not discussing the fact that your husband seems to be hiding his own. It's not as though you came here asking "Why isn't my husband over my infidelity yet?" You came here as a potential betrayed spouse yourself.

 

Recovery of a marriage is a process and no one implements all the changes necessary on day 1. It's important to see an upward trajectory so if you can see that, then I think the details of what you have or haven't done since then are secondary to his sudden shift in behavior. Why on earth would he have the phone numbers (plural!) of escorts in his phone? How does the OP stumbling (or not) in her own journey excuse or mitigate that?

 

What they've been doing obviously hasn't been working. As a betrayed spouse, I completely understand feeling out of control and needing to verify that the formerly cheating spouse is no longer doing so. But, again, I expect in a healthy recovery for the need to do so to lessen over time. I also expect reciprocity. I also believe both spouses have a right to privacy within their own minds. Checking her journal is excessive, IMO. When she knows he's checking her journal, it's not like she's going to write, "Dear Journal, BH doesn't know this, but I'm secretly having an affair again," so there's no good reason for her not to have that safe space to help her process everything. Everyone needs friends and space to share their thoughts. The OP has no friends and is discouraged even from interacting with her sponsor from AA. BH isn't wiling to live by the same rules, so this isn't about a new marriage with transparency and boundaries; IMO this is about control.

 

As a betrayed spouse, I am still empowered. I am still responsible for my own choices. If I think my WH cannot be trusted even a smidgeon, then why am I staying with him? If I don't want good things for him and just want him to live a life of penitence without any friends of his own, then why am I sticking around? Just because he fell apart and made terrible choices doesn't entitle me to make my own. That's not how life works. I can only work with what I've got. I can make the best marriage possible with my husband or I can move on and start anew. I don't get a free pass to be a bad spouse. All that will do is create a vicious cycle.

 

So first, I would get the root of the escorts and the hiding. I would expect the same concessions and openness from him as he has demanded unrelentingly from you for the last 18 months. I would suggest any kind of counseling you can afford, even just reading books on infidelity and marriage together. And if he cheats or is cheating, I absolutely would not internalize that as being what you deserve. Two wrongs do not make a right. You have made a lot of changes and stuck to them consistently for 18 months and that does count for something. If it's not enough for him, then what will be?

 

I'm not a person who settles. It sounds like that's what he's offering. He's built up walls to protect himself from being hurt again. That's totally understandable and to be expected, but it sounds like he's stuck there. He's not doing any work to let you back in, to be vulnerable, to let go of the hurt and suspicion. And now it's blowing up and he's acting out. Meanwhile, you have no life of your own and no support. You need to find a way out of this vicious cycle.

[katielee]

I think the betrayed does it not only to punish the wayward...but to punish themselves. There is a somewhat self destruction "hope" that says...I don't have the guts to leave so maybe if I am bad enough you will kick me out. I think that is why some betrayeds repeat this over and over.

 

I never thought of it this way....

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yes Katielee.....I believe John did not want to pull the plug on us...so he acted out in hopes calling it quits would also be on me.....my acceptance and forgiveness for his infidelity was most probably a surprise for him....

[Liam1]

I told him that I can't accept a lifetime of partnership where there isn't trust or mutual respect and love and he said that just because we accept that now doesn't mean it will never get better

 

You have no right to expect trust from him ever again, and no right to issue an ultimatum.

 

I think you need to learn to deal with his understandable mistrust in a positive. way.

 

You need to find ways to make him feel secure with you. Issuing ultimatums will not make him feel secure.

 

Most men have a much much harder time staying in a marriage with a cheating wife.

 

So, I do think your fear is very real. The best thing you can do however is make him feel secure. Also, he needs to know that YOU understand that YOU are the main cause of this present problem and that you will do whatever it takes to make him trust you more, for as long as it takes.

[understand50]

This past late fall/winter, my husband displayed an apparent shift in his process of recovery. He stopped obsessing about and monitoring my behavior as closely, and seemed to have found some peace about the past and to be more optimistic and invested in the future. I was initially relieved and encouraged, but soon those feelings were replaced by a new sense of doom and doubt. As his process of healing seemed to progress, his own personal life became more opaque and hidden from me. He started texting and emailing from new private accounts, moving money around and storing it in accounts in only his name, and planning investments with partners, and on a couple occasions I found out he'd lied or omitted the truth about where he'd been and what he was doing. He also lost interest in counseling and suggested I continue to see our therapist alone.

 

He has been unapologetic about these things and in moved to reassure me, only saying that I am being irrational, ungrateful and that if I am unhappy I should speak to the therapist about it.

 

Then recently I found phone numbers for local escorts in his phone. He said he didn't know how they got there, that he hadn't hired prostitutes, and that it angered him I was snooping around. When I explained that I have been snooping because he doesn't talk to me anymore, he said he doesn't because I can't handle hearing negative things and again suggested that I deal with my concerns in therapy.

 

Am I really so irrational if I'm doubtful and worried about his behavior? I am so terrified thinking it may just be coming down to either having to live like strangers pretending to be in a loving marriage or getting divorced. I feel like he's given up on rebuilding and is just investing in himself now, only keeping me around for our child's sake and to avoid loss of assets. I don't know how to pull him back in and get him to fight for what I know we can have.

 

I will never let drugs and alcohol control my life and make my choices for me again. I will never be unfaithful again. I have no desire for any of those things. I have acquired the tools to manage without those crutches and false escapes and I'm putting them to use, but is it all too late?

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Janedoh,

 

Of the two thinks the love of my life has done to me, a ONS, and then the secret out of control spending, gives me a little window into your husband mind set. I am not him, but I bring this up as maybe a way for you to understand.

 

The first was long ago, but even to this day, I get sad about it. So.... you should know, that there is no way to forget, and just let it go. The way I handle it is to remember I forgave her and just move on. It does get easier, as time go by, but that takes a long time. Also in your case, your transgression was long and involved. As for my wife's second issue, I am still dealing with the fall out, and that betrayal will not go way for some time. Basically, I cannot retire until I drop. We handle this by communicating once a month and really talking about all that is happening to us. The rest of the time we work at enjoying each other.

 

If I can now try and understand your husband, and give an insight from my experience, maybe you can glean something. Probably not as we men are all different.

 

You wounded him to his soul. His hurt is deep and hard and never ending. You took all control of his life and family, and showed that the one person he should rely on, he could not. He gave you his love and it was to someone that betrayed it. He is trying to decide, if he should stay, or how he can live his life with you. I am not writing this to make you feel bad, but trying to give an idea of what may be his mindset.

 

What you can do is be patient. You need to be willing to talk, try and set up a time that you both can ask each other anything, and not have it be "used" against each other. Have you answered all his questions? Are you willing to answer more? The thing that make me really angry with my wife is when I feel she has edited, or is keeping facts from me. Is something that may be happening with him? I do not think he is cheating, but he has thought about it. It is a way to balance things. Why do you not approach him with this idea? Let him know that this is normal. (it really is, but I don't think many act upon this idea) Be understanding, Listen, try and become the wife, where he can share everything and anything. BTW, my wife and I are not there, and after 40 plus year, we still have to work at it. The goal is to keep working towards this. Also, just because you cheated, does not give him permission to. Two wrongs do not make a right.

 

Play the long game. Let him know that you are here and will stay with him. Work at have good times with him and your kids. Be open, you will for the rest of you life with him, so you need to accept this, be honest, and and again be patient. His wounds will heal, but watch out for the scar. Remember, your husband had to do the real heavy lifting for you right after D-DAY, there are times, and this is one of them, where you have to do the heavy lifting.

 

 

Myself, if I was you, I would start a date night and really keep to it. Just you and him, and only talk about "good" things. I would then insist on a once a month "talk" where anything good or bad can be discussed, but these are kept there. My wife once asked if I would never bring up her ONS and overspending again, and I stated only when I did not need to. Part of our problem is we would never talk things out, and they just grew.

 

I do not think your marriage is over, but hard work needs to be done, and will need to be done as long as you keep together. You, and him, cannot expect this to just go away, and that your marriage can go back on auto control. Marriage, all marriages, need constant work and tending. You need to tend to yours, and show him that a loving, repentant, and remorseful wife is a home for him and him alone. At some point he will recognize this.

 

I wish you luck............

[sandylee1]

I think it's likely that he will never have total trust in you and the affair damaged him inside. Not everyone can truly get over an affair even if it's over.

 

He's probably securing himself financially and at the point where he decides your son is old enough..or where he just can't her affair... he will leave you.

 

So of he's being shady and untrustworthy.... you and only you can decide if this is acceptable. If he's got his own bank account... you get your own too.

[Leelou]

Your husband went into a preservation mode at the time of Dday... he set about in emergency mode, to get you to stop the affair, stay away from your AP, monitor you, and get you to quit your addiction to your meds. After sufficient time passed, and he felt he had successfully put out the fires, he relaxed, but then likely felt that is how he got caught the first time around. That when he was trusting you blindly for years, you did that to him. So, in order to protect himself, he has started hiding his true thoughts from you. He is justifying this, in order to have a sense of control. Over his life, his marriage, his wife. He needs to feel like he's in control, especially after what you did to him with your cheating, took his sense of security, safety, and control away from him.

 

Now that he is sufficiently a safe distance from d-day (in terms of getting your affair to end, and you to get help, both with counseling and AA meetings), he is reassessing his options. Yes, you are most likely correct about him wanting financial security and to protect his son from the effects of divorce. He would not like to live apart from his child.

 

I think your husband is hiding money from you, and I believe it's highly likely that your husband is formulating a long term plan to divorce you once your son reaches 18, and leaves for college. No man wants to lose what he has. I'm sure your husband doesn't specifically want to lose you as his wife, or have the stain of "divorce" on his list of failures, but he is probably thinking he can't really ever fully trust you again, and if you do something like this to him again, he is prepping to be ready to leave. And if you don't do something like this again, he will leave anyway, right after he has financially prepared himself, and he feels his son will be old enough to deal with a parent's divorce.

 

Your husband is putting into effect an emotional detachment. This is done to protect him. He needs to distance you, and that is why he is "opaque" with his actions. He doesn't want to tell you what he is thinking because you are the enemy... you are the one that betrayed him worse than anyone has ever betrayed him, and yet he feels his best option at the moment is to stay with you until he has his ducks in a row, and can leave you.

 

Your husband is preparing to leave you, not now, not immediately, but in the future. He has a plan in his mind. He feels safer with this plan in his mind. He ensures it's HIS secret plan, as that makes him feel he's got one over you - and that makes him feel safe, and gives him a sense of power and control that he didn't have after your affair.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel strongly that the point of your original post is being missed by a lot of these responders. They are critiquing your growth and remorse from your own infidelity and not discussing the fact that your husband seems to be hiding his own. It's not as though you came here asking "Why isn't my husband over my infidelity yet?" You came here as a potential betrayed spouse yourself.

 

Recovery of a marriage is a process and no one implements all the changes necessary on day 1. It's important to see an upward trajectory so if you can see that, then I think the details of what you have or haven't done since then are secondary to his sudden shift in behavior. Why on earth would he have the phone numbers (plural!) of escorts in his phone? How does the OP stumbling (or not) in her own journey excuse or mitigate that?

 

It's unrealistic to view her infidelity and his reaction to it as two different things. One of my tennis partners was struck by a drunk driver 10 weeks ago and I guarantee everyday, dealing with pain and scheduling physical therapy, he agonizes over this person's decision to drink and drive. Cause and effect.

 

So yes, the OP's husband is acting out in ways damaging to recovery. I don't condone his possible cheating but it's hypocritical to think he's going to be unaffected by the OP's conduct and choices during her A. You can't smash something against the wall and then complain when it's damaged goods. If they're going to heal, she's going to have to extend forgiveness to the same degree she asks to receive it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrs. John Adams]

Both remorse and forgiveness take a great deal of time and understanding. Just because you want forgiveness doesn't mean it is given. Some just cannot.

 

Just like some cannot understand true remorse. I have said a thousand times... Being sorry is not being remorseful.

And quite honestly I don't think remorse or forgiveness is possible 19 months out.

 

Both are still in shock and trying to process what has happened. It is difficult enough just to function at this point.... And even functioning can be difficult.

[aliveagain]

Having just read your posts again from the beginning it appears I missed a very key point that probably had an affect on your husband. What I got wrong was that it was just kinky sex, that is not the case because you stated in your first post that you had feelings for your best friends boyfriend. If I have it right you cheated on your husband with your best female friend(he now thinks your at minimum bisexual because it happened many times over a two year period) and her boyfriend. You then cheated on your best friend/affair partner by sleeping with her boyfriend for more then a year behind her back and it sounds like it would still be happening had you not been caught. Was it your best friend that caught you with her boyfriend? Is she the one that disclosed your secret life to your husband?

 

This is the part that your husband is having trouble with, you never came clean on your own, you will have sex with men and women so to him everyone that has contact with you is suspect. You fell in love with your affair partner, I missed that. You tried to minimize it to us by saying you had feelings for her boyfriend and then you further minimized it by saying, besides she was having her own long term affair, she was cheating on the guy you were cheating on your husband with. Who cares, this is about you and your husband and ultimately your child. All your husband knows is your not trustworthy, at least not now, you have next to no boundaries and if the opportunity arises you will act on the opportunity if you think you can get away with it and no one is safe around you.

 

The first things we always tell betrayed spouses to do is, protect your children, talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights, protect your finances and read up on the 180 and use the 180 to help you disengage from your spouse so you can think clearly. You need to find a way to level the playing field because the scales are tipped heavily to the walk away side. No husband wants to be a full time detective, it's hard on them and it is not part of what a good husband should be. It may be that he is just too overwhelmed and doesn't know to deal with it anymore. Since finance appears to be one of his key concerns have you considered giving him a post nuptial agreement, one that gives him most of the marriage assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity on your part? They are hard to inforce but the gesture will go a long way with regards to the trust issue. The other thing you can do is offer to take a polygraph anytime, now or in the future if he is feeling insecure about your fidelity. You made this mess, the onus is on you to clean it up.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Sometimes... There are just too many things that went wrong.... And sometimes divorce makes the most sense.

 

Everyone has their limit... And this husband may have reached his.

 

At best... This will take a long time... And that is if everything aligns correctly.

 

Reconciliation is difficult and both people have to be all in.. It takes both working diligently to repair the damage done.

 

I am afraid for this couple... I just don't know that trying to save this marriage is even feasible.

[katielee]

janedoh - i slept with my AP once. the affair was short lived and I confessed. yet what i did pretty much destroyed my husband. you have gone so far beyond what many people could ever heal from.

I'm not trying to be mean but try to look at it from an outsider's perspective. this is awful. lots of healing needs to take place and it might be easier apart, I'm thinking.

don't get me wrong - I am so pro marriage. but this one... i dunno.

[harrybrown]

I do see that you wrote if he did what you did, you would probably D.

 

How can you fix his pain? You can't.

 

But do put yourself in his shoes. He feels stabbed in the back.

 

you had threesomes behind his back. Think about your H's pain by thinking about what you did and do not minimize it.

 

Did you use condoms? If no, have you shown your H std test results?

 

Have you given him DNA tests of your children? Does he get to have threesomes over a couple of years? How do you fix his pain?

 

Just think, that you cut his heart out into little pieces and thru it into a fire.

 

Now you have to put out the fire, fix the burned cut up heart and get it beating back into his chest. This is not an easy task.

 

So how would you feel if you were in his shoes? He is in his shoes and he hurts. What would you want him to do to fix your pain? Do that for him.

 

He has lost self confidence. You loved the OM more that him. You may not have said it, but your actions speak louder than your words.

You had threesomes with others. Have you ever let him have threesomes without you, over and over again?

 

Good luck, you would not like to be in his shoes. It is a wonder that he is still functioning.

 

I do hope you find a way to decrease his pain. if you did write out a detailed timeline of your A, that might help him.

 

Did you do other things that you have refused to do with him?

 

Be honest with him. and think about how you would feel.

Edited March 7, 2016 by harrybrown
edit

[sandylee1]

Your husband went into a preservation mode at the time of Dday... he set about in emergency mode, to get you to stop the affair, stay away from your AP, monitor you, and get you to quit your addiction to your meds. After sufficient time passed, and he felt he had successfully put out the fires, he relaxed, but then likely felt that is how he got caught the first time around. That when he was trusting you blindly for years, you did that to him. So, in order to protect himself, he has started hiding his true thoughts from you. He is justifying this, in order to have a sense of control. Over his life, his marriage, his wife. He needs to feel like he's in control, especially after what you did to him with your cheating, took his sense of security, safety, and control away from him.

 

Now that he is sufficiently a safe distance from d-day (in terms of getting your affair to end, and you to get help, both with counseling and AA meetings), he is reassessing his options. Yes, you are most likely correct about him wanting financial security and to protect his son from the effects of divorce. He would not like to live apart from his child.

 

I think your husband is hiding money from you, and I believe it's highly likely that your husband is formulating a long term plan to divorce you once your son reaches 18, and leaves for college. No man wants to lose what he has. I'm sure your husband doesn't specifically want to lose you as his wife, or have the stain of "divorce" on his list of failures, but he is probably thinking he can't really ever fully trust you again, and if you do something like this to him again, he is prepping to be ready to leave. And if you don't do something like this again, he will leave anyway, right after he has financially prepared himself, and he feels his son will be old enough to deal with a parent's divorce.

 

Your husband is putting into effect an emotional detachment. This is done to protect him. He needs to distance you, and that is why he is "opaque" with his actions. He doesn't want to tell you what he is thinking because you are the enemy... you are the one that betrayed him worse than anyone has ever betrayed him, and yet he feels his best option at the moment is to stay with you until he has his ducks in a row, and can leave you.

 

Your husband is preparing to leave you, not now, not immediately, but in the future. He has a plan in his mind. He feels safer with this plan in his mind. He ensures it's HIS secret plan, as that makes him feel he's got one over you - and that makes him feel safe, and gives him a sense of power and control that he didn't have after your affair.

 

You've said pretty much what I was saying (I was in a rush typing on my phone ) in the post above.

 

He will leave you when the time is right and when it least affects your son. You think you're in reconciliation... but he can't get over the betrayal.

 

This is a little similar to another poster... where the BH left 8 years after the affair. The WW was blindsided ......

 

The fact that he's withdrawn from counselling is a big clue that he's no longer invested in the marriage. He's told you to carry on because in his mind it's you with the problem..and not him.

 

You should ask him straight up so that you know whether you are just coparents or partners.

 

In cases like this..Once the BH thinks that the kids are old enough to handle things... you'll just get served with divorce papers when you least expect it.

[velvette]

I'm curious what your therapist has to say about all this or any advice she has.

 

 

If I understand, this is the same therapist you were seeing jointly so she knows him?

 

 

Was there something specific going on in counseling when he quit?