123sadgirl Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 Just adding to what I wrote previously. After being married for a long time it is very easy to fall into a rut. Life becomes about bills, financial pressures, a focus on kids, ferrying the kids from A to B, helping them do their homework etc. My h and I never did date nights and our communication consisted of who was doing what to maintain the household! Sex became a chore for me, just another thing to add to the never ending list of things to do when I already felt exhausted. I felt older than my years and unsexy. Enter AP. suddenly I became the centre of his universe - endless compliments end ego strokes. There was no real life considerations to deal with - no sick kids, no cleaning the house and no arguing over who does more and who was going to clean up the dog's vomit! It was an escape from reality. A complete fantasy world. I felt ALIVE again and re-energised. I fell for the whole thing hook, line and sinker. Then the A progresses much like any other OW. A honeymoon or limerance stage, followed by the push/pull of guilt, followed by becoming an emotional, needy and desperate person, consumed by the A, jealous of the W which is all ironic when you are married yourself with a partner at home! Recovery and NC is still difficult. In that respect we all follow similar paths. And then when the fog starts lifting you start thinking more clearly again. I am just wondering how are you doing now? do think of him still? Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePi Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 I don't know if you are being sarcastic or not, but yes, I was single before being married. I HAVE experienced that loneliness. It is one thing to be single and lonely... it is a whole different ballpark when you ARE married and feeling lonely. No one can make this comparison or judge which is worse until you have been both single and married. Right, if as a married person, you feel so alone or lonely even though you are married, try being single. You REALLY are alone and lonely. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePi Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 (edited) ............... Edited March 9, 2016 by SweetiePi tmi Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 (edited) Thanks outofmysystem I appreciate your words and you have summed things up pretty well. I love my wife and I am 100% committed to making things work in the marriage. I regret what I did terribly. Yes, there are still lingering feelings for the OW - but these genuinely take just a tiny fraction of the sum total of my thoughts and energy. It is just that I can't help dwelling on certain things and regretting that, as well as the awful hurt that I have caused to my wife and myself, there are other human beings out there that have suffered directly due to my actions. I could try to completely shut these feelings out, hide them somewhere in a dark corner of my mind never to be spoken of, or I can use an anonymous forum, specifically designed for discussing these very types of issues to thrash things out. It's a no-brainer for me as I have learned from suffering depression earlier in life that shutting thoughts out is a much slower path to getting over something than is being open and talking things through. So discussing issues here is the best way to get them "out of my system" (good name! ) Therefore that is what I will do until I don't feel the need to talk about that side of my recovery any more - I think I am already close to that point, and I appreciate all the feedback of any kind. Other posters have suggested that it is selfish and disloyal to my BS to waste even 1% of my energy with thoughts in the direction of the OW. But would they be giving the same advice if I were to see an individual counsellor? Surely I would be advised to talk about EVERYTHING, and that the counsellor indeed provides an outlet for issues that may be too delicate to discuss with the BS. is this fair? I do take on board suggestions that I should be completely focussed on rescuing my marriage, which is effectively in the emergency room. That is correct, and I just want to make it clear that I am putting body and soul into my recovery as is my wonderful spouse. The thing is guys, you ARE my counsellors - all of you - and you are brilliant. And I want to be yours. Jenks Jenkins, I will only add, reading all the posts and seeing all the different responses......I know how you feel.....the concentration on your spouse, wanting to do the right thing and atone for your mistake.....another time, another place the relationship with your AP would have been something different....in our mind though the feelings were genuine for them, and that's ok that it takes time and space inside while doing what you need to do......we are all human.....don't be hard on yourself, do what you can, do your best and forget everything else.... Edited March 9, 2016 by jenkins95 3 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 "Other posters have suggested that it is selfish and disloyal to my BS to waste even 1% of my energy with thoughts in the direction of the OW." No, no no, I think that you misunderstand me. I would never suggest you can force yourself to stop thinking about her, I don't believe you shouldn't feel compassion for any pain you have caused her, I don't think you should hate her..... After all the goal is indifference not dislike. I just question the way you are choosing to exorcise these demons and where you are doing it. I think a counsellor would be a far better place - someone who can be neutral rather than emotionally invested. No-one here is without at least a few traces of a dog in this hunt, neither OP and BS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 I don't know if you are being sarcastic or not, but yes, I was single before being married. I HAVE experienced that loneliness. It is one thing to be single and lonely... it is a whole different ballpark when you ARE married and feeling lonely. No one can make this comparison or judge which is worse until you have been both single and married. I HAVE been both. Link to post Share on other sites
Grey Cloud Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 I am just wondering how are you doing now? do think of him still? Hi Sad Girl, yes I still think of him, it's only been 7 days of "genuine" NC. Prior to that it was a couple of weeks of trying to do NC but both of us breaking it at some point. I have genuinely felt better in the last 7 days then the last 3 months combined! I just had to get rid of him in every way possible. I deleted all of our emails. Completely blocked him on Facebook. Removed his name from every folder and document at work (he was a former co-worker). It has been really cathartic for me taking these steps to truly let go when before I was clinging on for dear life. So yes, even though he is in my thoughts it's not with the same intensity of gut wrenching emotional pain like it has been. I no longer feel like crying all the time. I know I have a long way to go and my resolve will slip at times but I can finally see a crack of light at the end of the dark tunnel and I'm eager to keep moving forwards in that direction 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Outofmysystem Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Jenkins, glad the words help....it's a two way street as it helps me too.... And as far as the name, thanks....but the credit is from a song, by Richard Marx called "Out of my system".....if you look it up on you tube and listen, it will describe what we are(were) going through perfectly..... "I have let you be, the one addiction....running through my veins for much too long" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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