How do MOWs/MOMs handle the end of an affair?

[Grey Cloud]

Another candidate for "post of the day" from GC! Once again, you have cheered me up - and yes, I can't (and don't want to) argue with anything you have said! Thank you

 

Don't worry, as much as I am trying to convince you I am also trying to convince myself! That is why this is so therapeutic - because by helping others see more clearly you can also help yourself with the same advice

[jenkins95]

OK, you convince me and I'll convince you - deal?

 

Don't worry, as much as I am trying to convince you I am also trying to convince myself! That is why this is so therapeutic - because by helping others see more clearly you can also help yourself with the same advice

[Grey Cloud]

ok, you convince me and i'll convince you - deal?

 

deal!!!!!!

[waterwoman]

Apart from all the other damage my A has done, the psychological damage to me is immense. She took me to highs that I didn't know existed, and even though that was in a bubble, boy it's hard not to have that any more - to accept that I will never be with her again. And much though I love my wife and children, it is hard not to find my own marriage dull and routine sometimes, and find my mind wondering to those highs of the A.

 

 

Good god I sometimes wonder why anyone bothers to reconcile when I read stuff like that. I don't think H felt that way but the fear is always there that he did. Maybe that is why so many people see cheating as a dealbreaker.

[wmacbride]

The posts of MidnightBlue1980, Outofmysystem, SweetiePi have me in tears. I fit into the same camp as you guys. I have a wonderful wife and family, and yet I am cursed with the nagging doubts of whether is is "enough". I know how ridiculously selfish this seems when on the surface I have everything a man could want.

 

Apart from all the other damage my A has done, the psychological damage to me is immense. She took me to highs that I didn't know existed, and even though that was in a bubble, boy it's hard not to have that any more - to accept that I will never be with her again. And much though I love my wife and children, it is hard not to find my own marriage dull and routine sometimes, and find my mind wondering to those highs of the A.

 

If there is anyone reading who has not had an affair, please never do it - even when it's over and you are committed to recovery and reconciliation, something inside you is changed forever, and you'll never be the same again. It's not that you can't get over it and recover - these forums testify that that happens all the time. But something inside you dies I think.

 

I think I will always love my AP on some level, but I really hope that, in time and the right attitude, I will find an appropriate place for her in some corner of my mind to be visited occasionally, and that the act of visiting that place is not painful. I know that to even have these thoughts would be horrible for my BS to know - but I have to be realistic. I can't just completely shut it out, so I somehow have to accommodate it.

 

If I can "manage" these thoughts of OW in the right way, there could still be a lot of happiness, fulfilment and excitement in my marriage. No question about it. Recovery is a process, no doubt about it - and it is proving a rocky road for me.

 

 

Jenkins95,

 

I read your posts and I am kind of torn about exactly what you are trying to accomplish.

 

I get that you feel that you are unburdening yourself, but at some point, it can become a cycle. that you get caught up in. In essence, you are "feeding the beast".

 

You are also associating yourself more with the "other woman" side. I could be way, way off here - and I hope that I am-but in looking over your posting history, there are far more about how you miss the feeling from the A.

 

I don't know about anyone else, but if I were in your shoes, and I wanted to make my M "whole" - I used quotes around whole for a reason, which is one I'm sure most bs will understand- I would be spending 95% of my mental effort, and that includes posting on here, asking how can I make that happen, not how can I remain stuck in the past by continuing to go round and round about how hard things are- re: breaking things off with ow, and how ow was, and still is, a nice person who doesn't deserve the pain she is in.

 

She may well be a nice person and not deserving of pain, but I am beginning to suspect that there is more at play here. This is really going to be unpopular- but why are you more attuned to the ow side of the board? I find myself asking why, if you are a ws who is struggling with nc and moving on, are you not seeking to commiserate with other ws who are where you are or have been and have moved on? Why are there not at least an equal number of posts asking their advice or leaning on them? Surely, as those who ahev been where you are, they would have a lot to offer that could be really helpful to someone who wants to reconcile.

 

Why do you feel a closer connect with the ow side? I'm wondering if you are getting a certain level of ego stroking? Your words about how you loved the ow and miss her speak to what a hurting ow wants to hear, and in turn, you hear about what a wonderfully sensitive guy you are from them.

 

I have a feeling you will tell me off for writing that, and I'm not in your head so I can't say for sure how you feel, just making some observations, but if you will allow me to say one more thing. If you are reconciling with your wife, and that is the choice you have made, then you need to step out of mm mode' and step into " ws mode". One poster above made a very poignant observation about sobbing in the bathroom so their bs can't see them hurting. I can pretty much grantee you that your bs is doing that same thing, and so long as you are still in " mm mode" you can not be there for her 100%. Your wife is no fool, an again I can pretty much guarantee she knows how you feel, but won't say anything. For all the pain you and your ow have been through, that is nothing compared to your w, and right now, she has to find her way forward , in a way that is very significant, all alone. She needs you 100%, and right now, she doesn't have that because you are mired in "mm " head space. Ask yourself how choosing to make a group of ow one of your signification support groups is helping you move on. How much does reading accounts of their pain at the end of an A help you and how much doe sit keep you right where you are in your mind?

 

 

Sorry for such a long comment, and if I am totally wrong, I apologize.

[jenkins95]

Good god I sometimes wonder why anyone bothers to reconcile when I read stuff like that.

 

Because we can change! We feel like this now while we are 'under the influence', but months later when we've allowed our brains to rewire themselves, we can see it all for the drivel that it is! Being here, posting, sharing, encouraging, etc is a shortcut to that!

[jenkins95]

Jenkins95,

 

I read your posts and I am kind of torn about exactly what you are trying to accomplish.

 

I get that you feel that you are unburdening yourself, but at some point, it can become a cycle. that you get caught up in. In essence, you are "feeding the beast".

 

You are also associating yourself more with the "other woman" side. I could be way, way off here - and I hope that I am-but in looking over your posting history, there are far more about how you miss the feeling from the A.

 

I don't know about anyone else, but if I were in your shoes, and I wanted to make my M "whole" - I used quotes around whole for a reason, which is one I'm sure most bs will understand- I would be spending 95% of my mental effort, and that includes posting on here, asking how can I make that happen, not how can I remain stuck in the past by continuing to go round and round about how hard things are- re: breaking things off with ow, and how ow was, and still is, a nice person who doesn't deserve the pain she is in.

 

She may well be a nice person and not deserving of pain, but I am beginning to suspect that there is more at play here. This is really going to be unpopular- but why are you more attuned to the ow side of the board? I find myself asking why, if you are a ws who is struggling with nc and moving on, are you not seeking to commiserate with other ws who are where you are or have been and have moved on? Why are there not at least an equal number of posts asking their advice or leaning on them? Surely, as those who ahev been where you are, they would have a lot to offer that could be really helpful to someone who wants to reconcile.

 

Why do you feel a closer connect with the ow side? I'm wondering if you are getting a certain level of ego stroking? Your words about how you loved the ow and miss her speak to what a hurting ow wants to hear, and in turn, you hear about what a wonderfully sensitive guy you are from them.

 

I have a feeling you will tell me off for writing that, and I'm not in your head so I can't say for sure how you feel, just making some observations, but if you will allow me to say one more thing. If you are reconciling with your wife, and that is the choice you have made, then you need to step out of mm mode' and step into " ws mode". One poster above made a very poignant observation about sobbing in the bathroom so their bs can't see them hurting. I can pretty much grantee you that your bs is doing that same thing, and so long as you are still in " mm mode" you can not be there for her 100%. Your wife is no fool, an again I can pretty much guarantee she knows how you feel, but won't say anything. For all the pain you and your ow have been through, that is nothing compared to your w, and right now, she has to find her way forward , in a way that is very significant, all alone. She needs you 100%, and right now, she doesn't have that because you are mired in "mm " head space. Ask yourself how choosing to make a group of ow one of your signification support groups is helping you move on. How much does reading accounts of their pain at the end of an A help you and how much doe sit keep you right where you are in your mind?

 

 

Sorry for such a long comment, and if I am totally wrong, I apologize.

 

Hi wmacbride, thanks for your comments, and no need to apologise at all. You say what you genuinely feel and you write respectfully, if firmly. I thank you for your observations. They are also a good, needed 'slap in the face' and a reality check.

 

I am not going to say so much here, because I am working on some answers for some questions I was posed on my other thread in the General section, which I think will cover what you have raised here - will give you a nod when I finally get round to publishing that.

 

All I will say is that I really am committed to NC and am in a far better place than I was, despite a few bumps in the road! When I do have a bump in the road, I post about it here - profusely - I tend to log on in my work breaks/lunchtimes, etc and roll off 5 or 6 quick posts (hence a few typos)! Why? Because that is exactly what LS is for. When we are having a good day (and we are having lots), I don't feel compelled to post about it, and it would probably feel a bit strange to other posters if I did. I therefore understand if you get a skewed impression of me, because you only read the bad stuff, as that is all I post about!

 

You are right in saying that I have made a lot of OW "friends" on here. I think it is because I like to understand the whole picture of my affair. Obviously I am the WH myself and spend lots of time with my BS and am beginning to understand her pain, her side of it, etc. But of course, I don't really understand the OW side. By speaking to other OWs on here, perhaps I get a feel for that side and it allows me to see the big picture, the overall context of the affair. Having said that, I gladly converse with BSs too, and I think I will increasingly do that as time goes on. It's just where I am right now that I am more inlcined to visit the OM/OW thread. Perhaps on some level, I also feel I'll get an easier time with those guys too when posting about my issues

 

And I know it is not easy for BSs to read, but I do feel guilty about causing pain to the OW. It is a tiny fraction compared to the guilt that I feel towards my BS, but it is there nonetheless. I apologise if this is offensive to anyone, but I'm just trying to be honest and conversing with OWs here is another way of dealing with that.

 

And as for what I am trying to "accomplish". Well, please don't try to analyse me too deeply - I'm just a guy in pain (the vast majority of which related to my BS, not my OW) looking to meet others, share my issues, receive feedback and contribute my own thoughts with others. It's just that; I don't have a particular mission to accomplish and despite appearances, it is doing me a lot of good!

Edited March 8, 2016 by jenkins95

[waterwoman]

Hi Jenkins - you are very tolerant of us all. Kudos to you for your patience.

 

I think what I and wmacbride (assuming I can speak for her) feel is that your posts here could be seen as disloyal - I would have felt that in your wife's place. of course she may be very different to me but I guess if you like to think you are an average MM (as you have stated on LS before) I can speak as an average BS?

 

You state 'perhaps I get a feel for that side and it allows me to see the big picture, the overall context of the affair' there is a time and a place for that but it isn't, IMO, now. Your marriage is in the emergency room at the moment - when it and both your and your wife are in full recovery, that is the time and place for debrief, and perhaps ongoing preventative treatment (to stretch an analogy to breaking point). Context is irrelevant right now.

 

There are people who could offer you support in your current position (as an ex-ap and ex-MM) but to my mind those people should be in your position not that of your ex-OW. Look for ex_WS, ex-MM, and look for their support and advice.

[Liam1]

Good god I sometimes wonder why anyone bothers to reconcile when I read stuff like that. I don't think H felt that way but the fear is always there that he did. Maybe that is why so many people see cheating as a dealbreaker.

 

I agree, that is a worry, but I think it's needs to be more a worry for a man whose wife cheats than for a woman whose husband cheats.

 

If someone is still pining over an affair partner, it is a strong indication that the person is not in love with his/her spouse.

 

IMO, those people need to face reality and set their spouse free by asking for a divorce.

 

In reality, though, I think, when a large percentage of married woman cheat, they do it because they are looking for a way out of their marriage.

 

Hence why we see so many women on these boards claiming the man still loves them and fantasizing that the MOM is still pining for them.

 

But when a Majority of men cheat they are simply looking for sex. Hence why we see a much smaller percentage of men pining for the AP, and those few likely should leave their spouse and set them free to find someone who really loves them.

 

For my part, I find it sad to read these threads. I also find it enlightening.

 

The only time I think of ex OW is when she contact my wife.

 

At those times, my thoughts are not of missing her. They are not nice thoughts, and truly, it serves to make me appreciate ever more my loyal loving wife.

 

As for single women dating MM. I just can't fathom the logic. There are so many good looking, well off men around, why would they want to play second fiddle for a married man?

[jenkins95]

There are so many good looking, well off men around, why would they want to play second fiddle for a married man?

 

I guess that that is a question that has cropped up consistently ever since humans first walked the earth, and will remain until we have all been wiped out. At which point we will likely be no nearer an answer than we are now!

[Liam1]

And I know it is not easy for BSs to read, but I do feel guilty about causing pain to the OW. It is a tiny fraction compared to the guilt that I feel towards my BS, but it is there nonetheless. I apologise if this is offensive to anyone, but I'm just trying to be honest and conversing with OWs here is another way of dealing with that.

 

I agree with Mcbride's post, Jenkins.

 

You don't appear to be all into your marriage. If you are not, set your wife free.

 

 

I read your prior posts and in them it shows clearly that the OW instigated the affair. She knew you were married, and still pushed for a relationship.

 

If she is an intelligent realistic person, she would know the a majority of affairs end badly. Rarely do they end in marriage and if they do, 70 plus marriages born of affairs end in divorce.

 

I don't feel sorry for my OW at all, I was upfront with her from the beginning. She too instigated the affair and promised that she was only interested in sex because she was NEVER PHYSICALLY attracted to her husband. She claims she only married him for his money.

 

What is to feel sorry for with your OW?

 

Did you tell your OW that you loved her and planned to divorce your wife?

 

If not, your empathy should lie with your wife, not the OW.

 

If you want your marriage to work, you need to be all in.

 

If you are still concerned on any level about a woman who was willing to date and try to poach a married man, then maybe you need to realize that you do not love your wife

 

Alas, I think living in reality with your OW, if you left your wife, would be like a blast of icy water from a fire hose, once you saw her for who she truly is.

[jenkins95]

Hi Jenkins - you are very tolerant of us all. Kudos to you for your patience.

 

I think what I and wmacbride (assuming I can speak for her) feel is that your posts here could be seen as disloyal - I would have felt that in your wife's place. of course she may be very different to me but I guess if you like to think you are an average MM (as you have stated on LS before) I can speak as an average BS?

 

You state 'perhaps I get a feel for that side and it allows me to see the big picture, the overall context of the affair' there is a time and a place for that but it isn't, IMO, now. Your marriage is in the emergency room at the moment - when it and both your and your wife are in full recovery, that is the time and place for debrief, and perhaps ongoing preventative treatment (to stretch an analogy to breaking point). Context is irrelevant right now.

 

There are people who could offer you support in your current position (as an ex-ap and ex-MM) but to my mind those people should be in your position not that of your ex-OW. Look for ex_WS, ex-MM, and look for their support and advice.

 

Hi waterwoman, thank you very much for your respectful advice. And what you say makes a lot of sense it really does, and I genuinely take it on board and will learn from it. I read over the posts on these boards many times and think a lot about them.

 

My head is in a bit of a mess, I often find my mind racing and sometimes rush into posting, desperately trying to understand all angles, without really thinking about priorities, what would be considered appropriate, loyal, etc. Therefore, while getting supportive posts, understanding and pats on the back are a comfort to a man who is at rock bottom (well, a step or so higher now, I hope!), the kind of posts that you, Cymbeline and wmacbride have been posting are a very welcome dose of reality - a window into the world of the BS. This is truly invaluable to me and I thank you very much indeed for your contributions and advice. Keep them coming guys. It's great stuff.

Edited March 8, 2016 by jenkins95

[Liam1]

I guess that that is a question that has cropped up consistently ever since humans first walked the earth, and will remain until we have all been wiped out. At which point we will likely be no nearer an answer than we are now!

 

Jenkins:

 

I think you know the answer to this. Even reading this forum you can find the answer.

 

The answer is so sad a simple. The attraction to a married man is the ego stroke of competing with another woman and some how enticing a married man to cheat on his wife.

 

My OW, slipped one day and actually told me that.

 

She said and I quote: "I must be something very special for you to cheat on such a beautiful successful wife"

 

I did not tell her what was in my head. What was in my head was, "no you are not special, you are just willing to have an affair with a married man. You were just eager and available.

 

I did not say those words, because I wanted to be kind.

[jenkins95]

Thanks for your thoughts Liam, and I am so glad that you are so effectively putting your affair behind you. It's great to know that things are great in your marriage again - I am so pleased for both of you. We will get there too, I am confident of that. Contrary to how it may appear, I am 100% all in to reconciliation and NC. I fell in love with my wife at first site, but through the trials and tribulations of life, we let our guard down, neglected each other, and I did the stupidest thing I could ever possibly do and had an affair. My head is a mess in the aftermath and I seem to need a little more hand-holding and guidance than you do to really get past this, get my priorities right, see it all for what it is, get on the right road and move on.

 

I do feel sorry about the OW - I just can't help it. I know she was badly hurt by it all and I regret my part in that. This is just compassion from one human being to another. But you, and waterwoman, macbride, Cymbeline, etc make a very good point. My compassion should be reserved for my wife. To be honest, almost all of it is, but a very small fraction of me is sad that another human being got hurt. As I can't mention that to my wife, I post about it here and it may seem that that is my main concern, but it is really not.

 

I would be foolish to ignore the advice you are all giving here - I need to put that to one side and deal with it at a more appropriate time. I can look at the bigger picture perhaps when my marriage is out of the emergency room and into full recovery (great anology waterwoman ). I would be an idiot not to put 100% into my recovery right now.

 

I really do appreciate the thoughts and advice, and I apologise if I have hijacked this thread a little bit.

 

 

I agree with Mcbride's post, Jenkins.

 

You don't appear to be all into your marriage. If you are not, set your wife free.

 

 

I read your prior posts and in them it shows clearly that the OW instigated the affair. She knew you were married, and still pushed for a relationship.

 

If she is an intelligent realistic person, she would know the a majority of affairs end badly. Rarely do they end in marriage and if they do, 70 plus marriages born of affairs end in divorce.

 

I don't feel sorry for my OW at all, I was upfront with her from the beginning. She too instigated the affair and promised that she was only interested in sex because she was NEVER PHYSICALLY attracted to her husband. She claims she only married him for his money.

 

What is to feel sorry for with your OW?

 

Did you tell your OW that you loved her and planned to divorce your wife?

 

If not, your empathy should lie with your wife, not the OW.

 

If you want your marriage to work, you need to be all in.

 

If you are still concerned on any level about a woman who was willing to date and try to poach a married man, then maybe you need to realize that you do not love your wife

 

Alas, I think living in reality with your OW, if you left your wife, would be like a blast of icy water from a fire hose, once you saw her for who she truly is.

[lemondrop21]

I agree with Mcbride's post, Jenkins.

 

You don't appear to be all into your marriage. If you are not, set your wife free.

 

 

I read your prior posts and in them it shows clearly that the OW instigated the affair. She knew you were married, and still pushed for a relationship.

 

If she is an intelligent realistic person, she would know the a majority of affairs end badly. Rarely do they end in marriage and if they do, 70 plus marriages born of affairs end in divorce.

 

I don't feel sorry for my OW at all, I was upfront with her from the beginning. She too instigated the affair and promised that she was only interested in sex because she was NEVER PHYSICALLY attracted to her husband. She claims she only married him for his money.

 

What is to feel sorry for with your OW?

 

Did you tell your OW that you loved her and planned to divorce your wife?

 

If not, your empathy should lie with your wife, not the OW.

 

If you want your marriage to work, you need to be all in.

 

If you are still concerned on any level about a woman who was willing to date and try to poach a married man, then maybe you need to realize that you do not love your wife

 

Alas, I think living in reality with your OW, if you left your wife, would be like a blast of icy water from a fire hose, once you saw her for who she truly is.

 

Liam, if you read Jenkins' story you'll see that they both got in it while in relationships (she was in a LTR) and they seem about equally culpable. Neither had the intent of leaving their partner, at least not in the beginning. It was meant to be innocent fun, as there was a spark there that they (foolishly) couldn't ignore. At least that's what I've gathered from Jenkins' story.

 

I don't know his OW but she may very well have just gotten caught up in something that she didn't intend to get so caught up in... just like Jenkins. Not all OW's are your apparently psycho stalker OW, and not all MMs are you. I'm not trying to attack you, just pointing out that there is so much nuance in all of this. Everyone's story is different.

[lemondrop21]

All, Jenkins has effectively said, both here and on other threads, that he is struggling with not being able to talk to OW and therefore is posting here. He has never said that he is not committed to reconciliation or that he feels he made the wrong choice. His reconciliation work probably takes place in person, with his wife, and not on some internet forum. Which is the way it should be.

 

People process the end of affairs in different ways, and if Jenkins, who seems to be a. more attuned to his own emotions than the average man, and b. someone who tends to get their feelings out through writing, WANTS to post here as a means of keeping himself on track with his recovery then we should by all means support that. Everything I've read about affairs (which is a lot) says that WS struggles at the end because they are mourning a loss EVEN IF they are 100% committed to trying to make the marriage work.

 

Some deal with it through drinking, some work out obsessively, some throw themselves into their work, some spend hours pacing around the house at night when w if asleep. I know my own xMM checks our old email account compulsively late at night (I've not added anything to it in nearly 2 months). I don't think it's because he wants to re-start the A, I think it's his way of processing it. In Jenkins' case, he writes here. Better than him just giving up and re-starting the A behind his wife's back, no?

[Liam1]

'm not trying to attack you, just pointing out that there is so much nuance in all of this. Everyone's story is different.

 

Actually, Lemon, if you seriously research affairs or talk to infidelity experts, they will tell you that although people in affairs believe their affair is unique and special....the reality is that there are a very particular set of circumstances that occur before during and after affairs.

 

That is why people joke about something being right out of "affair handbook"

[lemondrop21]

Actually, Lemon, if you seriously research affairs or talk to infidelity experts, they will tell you that although people in affairs believe their affair is unique and special....the reality is that there are a very particular set of circumstances that occur before during and after affairs.

 

That is why people joke about something being right out of "affair handbook"

 

Well, yes, but there are also different "types"'of affairs. Purely physical ones, like yours was (at least for you), "romantic" affairs, ejector-seat affairs, and so on. The goal in the end is to identify the reasons that led you to have the affair and then address those. I think we are all working on that, and all in the same boat in that regard.

[Midwestmissy]

Sweetiepi - without knowing much about you, I can say that you are getting out of your marriage what you put into it emotionally. You cannot get anything from him if you run to your affair partner all the time. If the ap opts out of his relationship with you, what will you be left with? Either give your husband a chance or give him a divorce.

 

My wh (who sounds a lot like Liam, frankly) also thought his mow "got him" and supported him. But he was ashamed to be seen in public with her and was attracted by her willingness to sleep with him. When he stopped the affair, she couldn't believe it and propositioned him with sex for a year - she hadn't gotten what she wanted from him, which was his bank account, a promotion, a raise, then a ring, then my role as stay at home wife. The intense friendship was not much more than sex, tell me how awesome I am/we are, and foreplay via phone and text. Watching it happen was grotesque and adolescent. "No you hang up first!" Giggle giggle.

 

He's so mortified by his actions and by being blind to what she really was. As a team they brought shame & embarrassment to 2 (extended) families, a large business, and 7 children. They did not impress their industry or grow the company. That was also fancy and folly. They thought they were hot sh*t, but it was just sh*t. They were inept at everything they did together and others have the messes to clean up. And I believe she's moved on to a different wallet, I mean soul mate.

Edited March 8, 2016 by Midwestmissy
Clarity

[yodelwithyu]

Well said Lemon. Pretty much all of it in the last three posts!

 

Liam, yes there are "affair handbooks," but they also come in different versions like the "Chicken Soup for the..." series. Different beginnings, mixed middles, and similar endings. There are many types of affairs, just like there are many types of marriages. Or even many types of sex, for that matter. And there are actual handbooks on sex. Doesn't mean everyone takes the same journey or makes it to the end the same way.

[yodelwithyu]

You feel guilt and its lonely to grieve in the bathroom or to silently cry yourself to sleep wondering how you got it all so wrong.

You cant confide all the hurt

 

Unfortunately, this happens to single OWs too. No one here knows anything, I am home to give my mom support, so I can't let her see me suffer. I had a little bit of a break from putting up the facade since I have been dealing with health issues. But what a crappy reason to be able to cry openly. I've grown accustomed to crying in the shower with my music on. Needless to say, at some point my hair and skin felt like falling off because I was in the shower so often.

 

On random off days I have gotten caught, I have come up with excuses such as watching a sappy movie, missing my best friend and I actually even used the onion excuse, no joke. None of which would justify daily crying.

 

I have to pretend to be normal most days and by the end of the day, I am exhausted and crumbling sometimes. So, sometimes OWs like me have to suffer in silence too, and we get it. It is horrible.

 

Xoxo

[lemondrop21]

Unfortunately, this happens to single OWs too. No one here knows anything, I am home to give my mom support, so I can't let her see me suffer. I had a little bit of a break from putting up the facade since I have been dealing with health issues. But what a crappy reason to be able to cry openly. I've grown accustomed to crying in the shower with my music on. Needless to say, at some point my hair and skin felt like falling off because I was in the shower so often.

 

On random off days I have gotten caught, I have come up with excuses such as watching a sappy movie, missing my best friend and I actually even used the onion excuse, no joke. None of which would justify daily crying.

 

I have to pretend to be normal most days and by the end of the day, I am exhausted and crumbling sometimes. So, sometimes OWs like me have to suffer in silence too, and we get it. It is horrible.

 

Xoxo

 

Yes! I share a house with another woman who knows nothing about the A and it's tough. She once walked in on me crying in the kitchen, puffy eyed, and I said I was having a bad allergy attack.

 

I've basically told or implied to a lot of people that I'm going through depression, which doesn't even begin to adequately describe it. Also, I've been through major depression before, and it's different - looks different, feels different. So who knows what people think is wrong with me.

[Liam1]

Well said Lemon. Pretty much all of it in the last three posts!

 

Liam, yes there are "affair handbooks," but they also come in different versions like the "Chicken Soup for the..." series. Different beginnings, mixed middles, and similar endings. There are many types of affairs, just like there are many types of marriages. Or even many types of sex, for that matter. And there are actual handbooks on sex. Doesn't mean everyone takes the same journey or makes it to the end the same way.

 

Yes, the affairs may be different slightly by degree, but 95 percent rarely turn out to be the great love story they appear to be during the fantasy of affair land, when reality of day to day life with the affair partner intrudes.

 

That never changes.

[Outofmysystem]

Jenkins, I will only add, reading all the posts and seeing all the different responses......I know how you feel.....the concentration on your spouse, wanting to do the right thing and atone for your mistake.....another time, another place the relationship with your AP would have been something different....in our mind though the feelings were genuine for them, and that's ok that it takes time and space inside while doing what you need to do......we are all human.....don't be hard on yourself, do what you can, do your best and forget everything else....

[health]

For some people, obviously you included health, cheating is a deal breaker, and nothing the wayward partner can do, how sorry they are, etc will make a difference. The relationship is dead at that point. That is the prerogative of the BS, and the wayward knows the risks they are taking when they act so selfishly. However, some BS do believe in giving a second chance and often relationships really can survive and flourish, even improve, after an A.

 

Did you have children with your GF health? Would you have been so quick to end things if you had? Or if you were married?

 

I have heard of marriages being strengthened by affairs. I heard this works when a brand new relationship is created between the two original partners.

 

I didn't have kids with my ex girlfriend. If I did, or if I was married I know my perspective would be way different. I most likely would give a second chance if it was a one time thing and my ex took responsibility, remoseful and committed to working things out.

 

In my case my ex became close friends with 3 guys who actually liked her in the 5 year 4 month time we had together. I felt the trust was broken at that point. I did things to break trust as well but never cheated physically or spent time excessively with other girls. I left her after over 5 years together and she rebounded 3 days later.

 

Even though I left her, I felt like I was dumped. The rebound hurt me alot.

 

Anyways many say I dodged a bullet not having kids with her, which she wanted.

 

I could have ended up paying child support to a welfare Mom with my kid around an alcoholic.

 

Instead I'm 34 with a great job, life's passion, apartment, no debt, no addictions, money saved/growing and I'm happy.

 

It's like I had a peak at ruin but was saved.