He's leaving for 3 months - and I am at a loss...

[kikik]

Hi there, I am new to this forum so I hope you can bear with me.

 

I met a guy on OkCupid two months ago. Our first date was amazing and on the second date he slept over and stayed for 4 days straight. We had great chemistry from the beginning.

He is here in Europe for a work and travel thing on a Schengen visa from the US, was working while we met and wanted to explore more of the continent but cut short his travels to be with me after we met. We have been spending all of our time together, he basically started staying with me one month after our first date, and now it's been another month of us living together every single day, completely head over heels.

 

I am 29, he is 23. He's very mature for his age - has his own business, is very independent, has strong values and is a big thinker -- and he decided he wants to be with me. We became exclusive after our second date, and we started a relationship two weeks later.

Now wants to stay together for the next three months -- he is leaving in two days to go back to the US -- but told me he wants to come back, get a work visa and build something with me. He thinks the next three months are a good test for our relationship, and if we continuously work together we can make this become an amazing thing (even more amazing than it already is). It seems he has some relationship experience, but more negative than positive experiences...

 

Now, I am a lot older than him and have experienced quite some sad experiences, especially long distance stuff that ended pretty badly... often also with guys that were his age, who decided then they wanted to 'be alone' or 'figure themselves out', or some just cheated on me and were too cowardly to work things through. Or maybe they didn't really love me. I don't know.

All I know is that this man is making me very very happy and we are madly in love. I know two months is a very short time, but we basically have spent every single hour together ever since, we had a few groundbreaking fights, which in his opinion are productive because we are figuring each other out and work through things together. He is extremely mature, positive and I feel he is teaching me new wisdom every day - and vice versa. We are a good match. We have created art together, we have the same values and world views, we finish each other's sentences (it's beyond cute).

 

Now what am I so afraid of? I guess it is the past bad experiences of being cheated, even when things 'appeared' perfect. I am trying to assess the current situation objectively, to see if it is the same premise as in past relationships and I am setting myself up for failure... but something tells me there is something different about this, and it is the complete honesty and openness of his personality that I have never seen in anybody. Do men like this really exist??? There seems to be no single red flag... only his age... and I wonder if I should even worry about that? What 23 year old int he year 2016 knows what he wants? Maybe he does... We talk about everything and I have no worries about voicing my fears, and he does the same. It appears we feel mutual on every level, even our fears... to the extent that it is almost insane to worry at all, because we both know we want the same darn thing. Whilst wanting to be together 'forever', we can at the same time rationally talk about our relationship and what makes it healthy, what makes it sane.

Yet the next three months seem like eternity to me, when I think about it.

Two days ago he bought his return ticket, he will be back June 14. It made me happy and made me feel reassured. Yet I still worry.

 

What can I do, at this point, to worry less?

What methods could I use to calm myself down?

How can I reassure myself and not let past experiences blur my vision?

And most of all, is it worth it? Should I really risk potential heartbreak?

I don't know... I have never felt this secure with anyone, and at the same time I have never felt this vulnerable.

As if the world would fall asunder if this was truly not working out.

Am I looking through rose tinted glasses -- or... is THIS it?

And how can I make sure I DON'T GO CRAZY?

 

Any positive advice and tipps are appreciated... I just need to hear it from someone other than my partner. I have nobody else to talk to (I am not a very social person).

Thanks in advance.

 

k.

[justwhoiam]

Hi kikik,

 

Welcome to the LS LDR forum.

 

I don't want to be a party p--per, but everything happened really fast with this guy, and you know very little about him, and most of all, probably only what he told you about himself.

 

How do you know he has his own business?

Don't you think it's strange that he moved in with you so quickly?

Have you ever thought that you might provide free accomodation for him while he's away from home and even free sex and other pluses?

How is he contributing to the overall living arrangement?

Is he paying the rent? All the meals, grocery, outings, entertainment, extras?

Have you contacted the immigration office/customs to countercheck what he told you about his VISA and his intentions?

 

Please don't be so naive about these things, or you really are going to face another failure.

 

What do you know about his family? Have you talked on the phone with them? Have you videoskyped with them? Do you know his best friend, where he lives, etc?

 

Sorry if I'm being so cautious, but this kind of prudence didn't come up anywhere in your post.

[kidm]

Hi there, I am new to this forum so I hope you can bear with me.

 

I met a guy on OkCupid two months ago. Our first date was amazing and on the second date he slept over and stayed for 4 days straight. We had great chemistry from the beginning.

He is here in Europe for a work and travel thing on a Schengen visa from the US, was working while we met and wanted to explore more of the continent but cut short his travels to be with me after we met. We have been spending all of our time together, he basically started staying with me one month after our first date, and now it's been another month of us living together every single day, completely head over heels.

 

I am 29, he is 23. He's very mature for his age - has his own business, is very independent, has strong values and is a big thinker -- and he decided he wants to be with me. We became exclusive after our second date, and we started a relationship two weeks later.

Now wants to stay together for the next three months -- he is leaving in two days to go back to the US -- but told me he wants to come back, get a work visa and build something with me. He thinks the next three months are a good test for our relationship, and if we continuously work together we can make this become an amazing thing (even more amazing than it already is). It seems he has some relationship experience, but more negative than positive experiences...

 

Now, I am a lot older than him and have experienced quite some sad experiences, especially long distance stuff that ended pretty badly... often also with guys that were his age, who decided then they wanted to 'be alone' or 'figure themselves out', or some just cheated on me and were too cowardly to work things through. Or maybe they didn't really love me. I don't know.

All I know is that this man is making me very very happy and we are madly in love. I know two months is a very short time, but we basically have spent every single hour together ever since, we had a few groundbreaking fights, which in his opinion are productive because we are figuring each other out and work through things together. He is extremely mature, positive and I feel he is teaching me new wisdom every day - and vice versa. We are a good match. We have created art together, we have the same values and world views, we finish each other's sentences (it's beyond cute).

 

Now what am I so afraid of? I guess it is the past bad experiences of being cheated, even when things 'appeared' perfect. I am trying to assess the current situation objectively, to see if it is the same premise as in past relationships and I am setting myself up for failure... but something tells me there is something different about this, and it is the complete honesty and openness of his personality that I have never seen in anybody. Do men like this really exist??? There seems to be no single red flag... only his age... and I wonder if I should even worry about that? What 23 year old int he year 2016 knows what he wants? Maybe he does... We talk about everything and I have no worries about voicing my fears, and he does the same. It appears we feel mutual on every level, even our fears... to the extent that it is almost insane to worry at all, because we both know we want the same darn thing. Whilst wanting to be together 'forever', we can at the same time rationally talk about our relationship and what makes it healthy, what makes it sane.

Yet the next three months seem like eternity to me, when I think about it.

Two days ago he bought his return ticket, he will be back June 14. It made me happy and made me feel reassured. Yet I still worry.

 

What can I do, at this point, to worry less?

What methods could I use to calm myself down?

How can I reassure myself and not let past experiences blur my vision?

And most of all, is it worth it? Should I really risk potential heartbreak?

I don't know... I have never felt this secure with anyone, and at the same time I have never felt this vulnerable.

As if the world would fall asunder if this was truly not working out.

Am I looking through rose tinted glasses -- or... is THIS it?

And how can I make sure I DON'T GO CRAZY?

 

Any positive advice and tipps are appreciated... I just need to hear it from someone other than my partner. I have nobody else to talk to (I am not a very social person).

Thanks in advance.

 

k.

 

- What does he do for work? did you see him working while he was with you? So he met you, decide to shirk his so-called work responsibilities and shacked up with you for almost all the duration of his visa?

 

-Also are you sure he was allowed to work? From what you have described, it sounds like he has the uniform C visa which only allows you to travel within the schengen countries for 90 days.

 

- What do you mean he wants to stay together for the next 3 months? why put a time period on it?

 

Anyways the fact that you're here asking questions means at some level, you are thinking through things so that's a good thing. I would encourage you to get out of this "fantasy"- we are perfect together, etc. and back into reality. You barely know him and he may/may not return. Long distance relationships are hard. Has he mentioned you coming to visit him? Since he has spent sometime with you, wouldn't you want to visit him to meet his friends/family and see how he really lives? It sounds like you two were in a bubble for the last two months..

[Aika]

Or he found what he was looking for, a ticket into the country. I'd proceed with a high level of caution. It's easy to get swept up in new love, trust me I know, but make sure you keep yourself and your best interests first. It's sort of strange he would open an okcupid account if he was just visiting EU for business purposes unless he was planning to stay here anyways.

Edited March 7, 2016 by Aika

[kikik]

Whoa, I am surprised by the animosity.

But okay, I will try to get into this as much as I can:

He's a voice actor working online. He's been working day in and out on his business while he was here, yes. Because he works remotely he doesn't need a work visa. He came here to the Netherlands on a tourist visa to work and travel in a hostel for two months, after which he planned to go to Germany for a month to visit a family friend. He ditched those plans to stay here and be with me...

He also doesn't need a 'ticket' into the country because he is planning to come back in June and apply for a self-employment visa in Germany, which was his plan already before he even met me.

No, I don't think it's strange that he moved in so quickly, because we really hit it off and he only had a month left so we wanted to spend as much time together as possible.

He was staying at a hostel for free prior to us living together so he didn't really need to move in with me for free accommodation.

I am not making him pay rent, I have enough space and money to host him, however, he is paying for everything else, food, etc, does all the chores, takes care of my cats, and so on, without me asking. He is very considerate and wants to contribute as much as I allow him

As far as his family goes, I've talked to his mother on skype, his father on skype, and his twin brother and his girlfriend several times each week. They're good people! Very normal, but silly and funny. They all seem honest and loving. He's met my Mom when she was here for a weekend on my birthday, and she likes him a lot.

We are facebook official, post many photos of our time together, and his mother, siblings, father, stepmother and other relatives are all happy he has met someone who treats him well and who makes him happy, and comment and like our photos.

 

Overall, I believe what you guys have said here doesn't apply in the slightest, because he's a very honest and open person.

That you would even suggest that from what I wrote really made me a bit mad... I think he'd be quite insulted if he heard this. None of this has ever crossed my mind. We communicate about everything that is on our minds, no topic is left untouched (he's EXTREMELY communicative) and we've worked really hard to understand the situation we're dealing with, and realized that this is just a great opportunity that we don't want to waste. There is no timestamp on our relationship -- he has to leave for three months for visa reasons, he already bought a plane ticket to come back the first day it is lawfully possible, we plan to stay together for a long time to come.

 

Although I really appreciate your feedback guys, I was really hoping to get some advice with how to deal with the long distance thing and the worries that come with that. I'm not truly questioning his credibility or if he means what he says. It did happen really fast and it's difficult to keep up at times, but we truly feel we have something special. I just need some tips on how to manage the long distance thing.

Anyways, thank you for the feedback! Any more that actually address my concerns would really be helpful.

 

Edit: By the way, we don't look to get married, if either of you insinuated this. At least not for a few years... Lol.

[kidm]

In your initial post you seemed more concerned with whether the relationship was too good to be true and whether he may not be mature enough to know what he wants as a 23 year old. I believe all those concerns may be amplified because he is leaving and you fear he may change his mind and/or never return. Frankly, if he is only going to be gone for 3 months, that is very doable. There is an end in sight unlike some other long distance relationships. This is more a temporary absence. If my significant other had to be away for 3 months, it wouldn't make me anxious so I don't think you should worry too much since you've stated you two have a solid foundation. Just plan to communicate regularly (skpype, phone calls, emails, etc.). Does anything prevent you from visiting him during those 3 months?

 

I wish you the best. You seem certain about everything else about him so you should also be secure in the fact that he is going to sort himself out and come back to get a work visa and stay permanently with you. Regular communication while he is away should help assuage some of your nervous feelings.

 

Ps.1: If I was a 23 year old traveling, I would much rather stay in someone's home (better accommodations) than a free hostel!

 

Ps.2: FYI- If he stayed for 90 days, he can't reenter on another schengen visitor visa until 180 days has elapsed. He cannot come back in June to apply for a work visa in Germany if that's the case. He can only stay for the remaining unused days on the visa he currently has.

[hippychick3]

As wonderful and incredible as it has been for the last 2 months, it is still a very new relationship. All the time spent together (which is pretty excessive and not necessarily a good thing) is not a substitute for the LENGTH of time together. You think you know everything about him, but one cannot possibly really know someone that well in only 2 months. Maybe he is the "one" and is perfect for you, but it is TOO SOON to know that. It takes about a year to really and truly know someone. Slow down...

 

In regards to how to cope for 3 months...3 months is nothing. Make sure you keep yourself occupied and busy with friends, hobbies, work, and anything else that has nothing to do with him. Keep your life full and don't allow it to revolve around anyone let alone someone you've known for 2 months. Skype when you can but don't make him your "world". The more happiness and fulfillment you feel from other parts of your life not only make it easier to deal with him being away but make you more attractive to him.

[kikik]

Does anything prevent you from visiting him during those 3 months?

 

Yes, free time. I have uni classes and exams, no way of getting out of responsibilities here...

 

Ps.1: If I was a 23 year old traveling, I would much rather stay in someone's home (better accommodations) than a free hostel!

So what are you trying to say? He's mooching off of me and doesn't really love me? He could have easily gone travel and see more of Europe, which was his initial plan, but he stopped all of that to be with me.

 

Ps.2: FYI- If he stayed for 90 days, he can't reenter on another schengen visitor visa until 180 days has elapsed. He cannot come back in June to apply for a work visa in Germany if that's the case. He can only stay for the remaining unused days on the visa he currently has.

 

You are misinformed, 180 days count from the initial day he entered the Schengen area, which was back in December. He is coming back exactly 182 days after he first entered, so we calculated everything just right.

[kikik]

As wonderful and incredible as it has been for the last 2 months, it is still a very new relationship. All the time spent together (which is pretty excessive and not necessarily a good thing) is not a substitute for the LENGTH of time together. You think you know everything about him, but one cannot possibly really know someone that well in only 2 months. Maybe he is the "one" and is perfect for you, but it is TOO SOON to know that. It takes about a year to really and truly know someone. Slow down...

 

In regards to how to cope for 3 months...3 months is nothing. Make sure you keep yourself occupied and busy with friends, hobbies, work, and anything else that has nothing to do with him. Keep your life full and don't allow it to revolve around anyone let alone someone you've known for 2 months. Skype when you can but don't make him your "world". The more happiness and fulfillment you feel from other parts of your life not only make it easier to deal with him being away but make you more attractive to him.

 

I disagree with your sentiment presented in your first paragraph. I think you are generalizing or speaking from personal experience. I think him and me are both on the same page when it comes to our feelings. Maybe it takes a year to truly know someone, yeah, but you know what, that doesn't invalidate our feelings and our firm belief that one year from now we will truly know one another, and until then we want to go strong.

[hippychick3]

I disagree with your sentiment presented in your first paragraph. I think you are generalizing or speaking from personal experience. I think him and me are both on the same page when it comes to our feelings. Maybe it takes a year to truly know someone, yeah, but you know what, that doesn't invalidate our feelings and our firm belief that one year from now we will truly know one another, and until then we want to go strong.

 

If this is true, then you should have zero worries about him leaving.

[kidm]

Yes, free time. I have uni classes and exams, no way of getting out of responsibilities here...

 

 

So what are you trying to say? He's mooching off of me and doesn't really love me? He could have easily gone travel and see more of Europe, which was his initial plan, but he stopped all of that to be with me.

 

 

 

You are misinformed, 180 days count from the initial day he entered the Schengen area, which was back in December. He is coming back exactly 182 days after he first entered, so we calculated everything just right.

 

You are being very defense on this thread. If you were so secure in this relationship, I doubt you would be here asking questions. We are all trying to get you to think logically about the many what ifs. No one is saying this relationship is doomed to fail but considering the length of time and the things you have described, I think you should look at both the positives and the negatives. I don't know many people who decide to travel to another country as a tourist on a short term visa and decide to put up an okcupid profile but everyone is different. That would have been the first red flag for me (but probably more pessimistic than the average person).

 

As you've established on here,none of us know him that well. I'm also not familiar with the particulars of his visa re time spent there so I made a conditional statement ("if"). What I do know is that once you enter on Schengen visa, you can only stay for 90 days max in a 6 month period. Glad you've calculated and everything is on course. Hope everything works out for you two. I really do!

[kikik]

 

You are being very defense on this thread. If you were so secure in this relationship, I doubt you would be here asking questions. We are all trying to get you to think logically about the many what ifs. No one is saying this relationship is doomed to fail but considering the length of time and the things you have described, I think you should look at both the positives and the negatives. I don't know many people who decide to travel to another country as a tourist on a short term visa and decide to put up an okcupid profile but everyone is different. That would have been the first red flag for me (but probably more pessimistic than the average person).

 

As you've established on here,none of us know him that well. I'm also not familiar with the particulars of his visa re time spent there so I made a conditional statement ("if"). What I do know is that once you enter on Schengen visa, you can only stay for 90 days max in a 6 month period. Glad you've calculated and everything is on course. Hope everything works out for you two. I really do!

 

Of course I will defend when people talk badly about my partner who I have described lovingly. My intention of coming here was getting advice on how to deal with a long distance relationship -- not on how to discredit my partner and his intentions.

What is weird about having an OkCupid profile when you are single? After all, I had one too! This is how we met. I don't really see why you'd see this as a red flag... This is how people meet these days.

 

You tell me to look at both, the positives and the negatives... so what exactly are the negatives? That he might be a con artist who only wants me for free accommodation and sex? Give me a break... I have to admit, this is quite offensive. As if I am not eligible to attract a good man, or something along those lines...

[kidm]

Of course I will defend when people talk badly about my partner who I have described lovingly. My intention of coming here was getting advice on how to deal with a long distance relationship -- not on how to discredit my partner and his intentions.

What is weird about having an OkCupid profile when you are single? After all, I had one too! This is how we met. I don't really see why you'd see this as a red flag... This is how people meet these days.

 

You tell me to look at both, the positives and the negatives... so what exactly are the negatives? That he might be a con artist who only wants me for free accommodation and sex? Give me a break... I have to admit, this is quite offensive. As if I am not eligible to attract a good man, or something along those lines...

 

I will indulge you one last time. Reread your initial post. It was less about the mechanics of long distance and more about your fears about being hurt again by another young guy. You voiced a number of reservations. If you are a 29 year old adult woman and cannot see any negatives in this situation, I doubt strangers can change your mind (saying this with the utmost respect). I actually don't know why you have any qualms about being apart for 3 months. As I said before it seems very doable.

 

No one has said you unable to attract a good man or "something along those lines." Do you think every man or woman who gets duped, taking advantage of, heartbroken, etc. was undeserving of a good man or woman? Bad things happen to good people and vice versa. You're being overly dramatic about this.

 

You conveniently decided to "pick and choose" which parts of the comment I made regarding online dating that you would attack. Your response is dubious. As I said before, I don't know many people who decide to travel to another country as a tourist on a short term visa and decide to put up an okcupid profile but everyone is different. People online date. They put up profiles to meet women where they live (i.e. permanent location) not where they are traveling on vacation. I assume you've been on vacation before, did you have an OKcupid deliberately geared at meeting someone in the place you traveled to? That to me seems suspect but I guess I am not cool and hip.

Edited March 8, 2016 by kidm

[kikik]

I will indulge you one last time. Reread your initial post. It was less about the mechanics of long distance and more about your fears about being hurt again by another young guy. You voiced a number of reservations. If you are a 29 year old adult woman and cannot see any negatives in this situation, I doubt strangers can change your mind (saying this with the utmost respect). I actually don't know why you have any qualms about being apart for 3 months. As I said before it seems very doable.

 

Thanks for 'indulging'.

 

No one has said you unable to attract a good man or "something along those lines." Do you think every man or woman who gets duped, taking advantage of, heartbroken, etc. was undeserving of a good man or woman? Bad things happen to good people and vice versa. You're being overly dramatic about this.

 

 

I am certainly not 'overly dramatic' about this. You are basically saying I am unable to tell if a guy is playing me or if he is genuine about his feelings for me. That's pretty insulting. I am not 17 years old. Of course I have had bad experiences, which is why it is surprising for me that I am now having a wonderful and positive experience with someone who means well, who is true and honest. He is by far the most open and honest person I have ever met, so assuming he is using me for sex and free accommodation, yes, that is insulting.

 

You conveniently decided to "pick and choose" which parts of the comment I made regarding online dating that you would attack. Your response is dubious. As I said before, I don't know many people who decide to travel to another country as a tourist on a short term visa and decide to put up an okcupid profile but everyone is different. People online date. They put up profiles to meet women where they live (i.e. permanent location) not where they are traveling on vacation. I assume you've been on vacation before, did you have an OKcupid deliberately geared at meeting someone in the place you traveled to? That to me seems suspect but I guess I am not cool and hip.

 

No conveniently picking and choosing needed -- the whole OkCupid thing you think is so 'fishy' is absolutely not a red flag. We both had profiles before we met, he had his profile before he moved. He knew he would be living abroad for three months, so he changed his current city on his profile. Of course he'd want to meet local woman, why would he want to meet women in America if he doesn't live there anymore? Why would he be looking for a relationship with someone in a country he will not be living in any longer? Beside, the main reason he came here was to explore if he really wanted to move here for good, because he has planned this for a few years now, and finally had the guts to do it. The next three months will be him preparing for the permanent move. I happen to be the person he is with during his transition. Now both of us don't have online dating profiles any longer. What's your point?

 

Urgh. So much for positive tipps on LDRs.

Edited March 8, 2016 by kikik

[ExpatInItaly]

Just a question about logistics, OP: What happens if his application for another visa is rejected? It happens. I am also not an EU citizen, but I reside and work (legally!) in Italy. I know the bureaucracy of obtaining the correct visas/permits can be nightmarish, but possible with the proper documents and support.

 

As far as keeping the connection alive in the meantime: set aside time for regular Skype/FaceTime chats. Or whatever webcam/video format you prefer. It is important to physically see each other. Keep the lines of communication open during other times, be it through What's Ap or whatever messaging service you use. Bear in mind the contact will probably drop somewhat, given that life generally gets in the way at such a distance. Give things a chance to grow but don't put all your eggs in one basket just yet, so to speak. You don't know him all that well and anything could happen.

[Aika]

Thanks for 'indulging'.

 

 

 

 

I am certainly not 'overly dramatic' about this. You are basically saying I am unable to tell if a guy is playing me or if he is genuine about his feelings for me. That's pretty insulting. I am not 17 years old. Of course I have had bad experiences, which is why it is surprising for me that I am now having a wonderful and positive experience with someone who means well, who is true and honest. He is by far the most open and honest person I have ever met, so assuming he is using me for sex and free accommodation, yes, that is insulting.

 

 

 

No conveniently picking and choosing needed -- the whole OkCupid thing you think is so 'fishy' is absolutely not a red flag. We both had profiles before we met, he had his profile before he moved. He knew he would be living abroad for three months, so he changed his current city on his profile. Of course he'd want to meet local woman, why would he want to meet women in America if he doesn't live there anymore? Why would he be looking for a relationship with someone in a country he will not be living in any longer? Beside, the main reason he came here was to explore if he really wanted to move here for good, because he has planned this for a few years now, and finally had the guts to do it. The next three months will be him preparing for the permanent move. I happen to be the person he is with during his transition. Now both of us don't have online dating profiles any longer. What's your point?

 

Urgh. So much for positive tipps on LDRs.

 

 

So anyone who ever got "duped" by someone is stupid? The whole point of that is that you don't see it coming because you believe in all the good things in your partner. I assure you, it happens to the smartest, most good hearted people. It would have no bearing on your intelligence at all. Why would he be looking for someone in EU when there was no final plans to move there permanently yet? There's still not 100% certainty he can return. You clearly had some reservations in your OP, and people here are offering their outside views on things.

 

As far as LDR goes, as others have said 3 months is not a huge deal. As with any relationship, as long as both are committed to making it work, it can. Plus if you already have an end date in sight, then that's a big bonus.

[kikik]

So anyone who ever got "duped" by someone is stupid? The whole point of that is that you don't see it coming because you believe in all the good things in your partner. I assure you, it happens to the smartest, most good hearted people. It would have no bearing on your intelligence at all. Why would he be looking for someone in EU when there was no final plans to move there permanently yet? There's still not 100% certainty he can return. You clearly had some reservations in your OP, and people here are offering their outside views on things.

 

As far as LDR goes, as others have said 3 months is not a huge deal. As with any relationship, as long as both are committed to making it work, it can. Plus if you already have an end date in sight, then that's a big bonus.

 

I don't see the problem with him wanting to meet some European girls. And he did meet me, so he got pretty lucky if you ask me.

And yes, there is a 100% certainty he will return. The ticket is booked. The date is set. The visa process has been thoroughly studied by both of us and it is fairly easy to get a German self-employment visa, actually... not that much of a bureaucratic process as in other countries...

 

And no, I am not saying everyone who ever got duped is stupid. I got unlucky many times when I was younger when it came to men. I am just certain this time I am very lucky so your negativity towards my partner is not very welcoming here, I have to say. That you persist on mocking his intentions after I tried to tell you that is not what I came here for, that's just insulting.

[kikik]

Just a question about logistics, OP: What happens if his application for another visa is rejected? It happens. I am also not an EU citizen, but I reside and work (legally!) in Italy. I know the bureaucracy of obtaining the correct visas/permits can be nightmarish, but possible with the proper documents and support.

 

As far as keeping the connection alive in the meantime: set aside time for regular Skype/FaceTime chats. Or whatever webcam/video format you prefer. It is important to physically see each other. Keep the lines of communication open during other times, be it through What's Ap or whatever messaging service you use. Bear in mind the contact will probably drop somewhat, given that life generally gets in the way at such a distance. Give things a chance to grow but don't put all your eggs in one basket just yet, so to speak. You don't know him all that well and anything could happen.

 

Not too worried about the visa process. Chances are he will not get rejected, obtaining a self-employment visa is not very difficult.

If all fails, he can always enroll at a university and apply for a student visa. There are options.

[ExpatInItaly]

Not too worried about the visa process. Chances are he will not get rejected, obtaining a self-employment visa is not very difficult.

If all fails, he can always enroll at a university and apply for a student visa. There are options.

 

That's good. He should meet with the visa officer at his local Consulate or Embassy and ensure he has all the correct supporting documentation in place, both for a self-employment visa and a student one, in case the first option falls through. I have also studied abroad in the EU and the documentation required is lengthy, as is the proof of financial solvency, lodging, health insurance, etc etc - such a fun process! It would be good for him to start gathering all of this immediately, if he hasn't already. If he needs to apply for a student visa, there's a chance he won't be admitted until the new academic year begins. Just something to consider.

 

As someone else said, it's good that there's an end-date to the distance. What you need to do now - together - is come up with a plan of how to manage in the meantime. Make sure both of your expectations are clear, ie how much contact are you expecting? and so on. What happens if he gets there and discovers he doesn't really like it? Misses his family too much? Is overwhelmed by all the changes? Speaking from experience, I have seen this happen to many expats. No matter how adventurous and strong one is, the changes are significant and we quickly learn that living in that country is much different from simply visiting. Of course, he could be just fine. Many, like myself, tough out the difficulties and truly enjoy living abroad. But I feel it would be unwise to overlook the possibility that it won't work out for him. It's critical to address these questions, especially considering that you still don't know him all that well yet. It's not romantic to consider that, but it's only realistic. Talk about this with him. Find out his plan of attack once he arrives in the country, in terms of finding employment, meeting new friends, learning the language and so on.

Edited March 9, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[justwhoiam]

Whoa, I am surprised by the animosity.

As someone else tried to tell you, your reaction to people's perspectives was kind of aggressive.

 

People took the time to offer their perspective on possible issues you might face, they did that not to be hostile, rather to offer their help. So let's start from the point that people (me included) are not here to ruin anyone's dreams, whatever the outcome of your current relationship.

 

What is weird about having an OkCupid profile when you are single? After all, I had one too! This is how we met. I don't really see why you'd see this as a red flag...

The red flags were the combination of the following:

 

1. stranger temporarily in a foreign country with previous wishes of staying long-term - but no actual plans for long-term stay - wants to date a local woman while visiting said country on a "work and travel thing" visa

 

2. said stranger meets up with the first woman he talks to on a dating website and gets so lucky that she turns out to be the woman for him and he moves in with her after date #2

 

3. same stranger was staying in a hostel for free prior to moving in with the local woman

 

4. local woman sounds as if she's wearing rose-colored glasses, and she previously had LDRs gone wrong with younger guys even when thing seemed perfect

 

I think that with those preconditions anyone would be allowed to doubt the situation. We are saying: be cautious, floor *might* be slippery. You can disregard this piece of advice, but you'd be just wise to at least consider that.

 

Also, what kind of visa did he have exactly? Because the Schengen visa (short stay up to 90 days) doesn't allow you to work, while he worked the whole time while abroad.

 

he wants to come back, get a work visa and build something with me.

You said he had a work visa, but I guess he didn't? How is he going to get a work visa? He needs a contract with an employer in the country where he's applying for a work visa, right? So a contract with a German employer stating why he needs to live in Germany. Also, I guess he'd need proof of an accomodation in Germany, address and all. While you are in the Netherlands and it looks like you can't move elsewhere right now.

I might be wrong, but if he works online, he can work anywhere in the world and he doesn't need to live in Europe. How is he going to justify the need to live in EU? If he's refused the work visa and then applies for study visa right away, don't you think they'll get suspicious about him just trying to get in at all costs?

 

Also, what does he mean by "build something"? Because you clearly said that marriage is nowhere in the picture.

 

It seems he has some relationship experience, but more negative than positive experiences...

He's only 23, so it's OK. Nevertheless, it'd be interesting to understand why his past experiences were negative.

 

Now, I am a lot older than him and have experienced quite some sad experiences, especially long distance stuff that ended pretty badly... often also with guys that were his age, who decided then they wanted to 'be alone' or 'figure themselves out', or some just cheated on me and were too cowardly to work things through. Or maybe they didn't really love me. I don't know.

You feel "a lot older", what did your past experiences teach you? Because you had other LDRs and with younger guys. Each time you had a new boyfriend, weren't you wearing your rose-colored glasses? Every time, didn't it look better than the previous time? But it ended badly all the same. So maybe that's something that requires some thought.

 

we had a few groundbreaking fights

Do you feel like sharing what those fights were about? I think that is very important to see if you two are compatible.

 

Now what am I so afraid of? I guess it is the past bad experiences of being cheated

[...]I am trying to assess the current situation objectively, to see if it is the same premise as in past relationships and I am setting myself up for failure... but something tells me there is something different about this, and it is the complete honesty and openness of his personality that I have never seen in anybody.

If you really want to be objective, start counterchecking what he says. Starting from the visa, for instance.

 

Whilst wanting to be together 'forever', we can at the same time rationally talk about our relationship and what makes it healthy, what makes it sane.

Did you also talk about challenges? You seem to avoid any discussion about visa refusal. Would you be OK with him just staying for 3 months again? In the future?

 

Two days ago he bought his return ticket, he will be back June 14.

That is risky, you know? He used up his 90 days. If he can't get another type of visa other than as visitor, he won't be allowed into EU.

 

What can I do, at this point, to worry less?

I think that the rational part of you is worrying, and my question to you is: Would it be safe not to worry? Is it in your best interest not to worry?

 

What methods could I use to calm myself down?

I don't know if there's a method working for everybody. Some methods work better for some and not for others. When I feel overwhelmed, I watch a movie that can relax me. I try to get distracted not to think too much. But it could be spending a night out somewhere with friends, or listening to music, etc.

 

How can I reassure myself and not let past experiences blur my vision?

I wouldn't reassure myself. I would ask myself: How can I avoid making past mistakes?

And most of all, is it worth it? Should I really risk potential heartbreak?

As Lord Tennyson wrote:

'Tis better to have loved and lostThan never to have loved at all.But if you avoid too much drama in the process, all the better.

 

Am I looking through rose tinted glasses

Yes, I think so.

And how can I make sure I DON'T GO CRAZY?

Take one step at a time. Don't rush into things. Take your time.

 

I have nobody else to talk to (I am not a very social person).

Does this mean you have no friends? Having no friends can also make you feel insecure and you get even more attached to the first person giving you some attention. Edited March 9, 2016 by justwhoiam

[kikik]

That's good. He should meet with the visa officer at his local Consulate or Embassy and ensure he has all the correct supporting documentation in place, both for a self-employment visa and a student one, in case the first option falls through. I have also studied abroad in the EU and the documentation required is lengthy, as is the proof of financial solvency, lodging, health insurance, etc etc - such a fun process! It would be good for him to start gathering all of this immediately, if he hasn't already. If he needs to apply for a student visa, there's a chance he won't be admitted until the new academic year begins. Just something to consider.

 

As someone else said, it's good that there's an end-date to the distance. What you need to do now - together - is come up with a plan of how to manage in the meantime. Make sure both of your expectations are clear, ie how much contact are you expecting? and so on. What happens if he gets there and discovers he doesn't really like it? Misses his family too much? Is overwhelmed by all the changes? Speaking from experience, I have seen this happen to many expats. No matter how adventurous and strong one is, the changes are significant and we quickly learn that living in that country is much different from simply visiting. Of course, he could be just fine. Many, like myself, tough out the difficulties and truly enjoy living abroad. But I feel it would be unwise to overlook the possibility that it won't work out for him. It's critical to address these questions, especially considering that you still don't know him all that well yet. It's not romantic to consider that, but it's only realistic. Talk about this with him. Find out his plan of attack once he arrives in the country, in terms of finding employment, meeting new friends, learning the language and so on.

 

We have thoroughly researched the visa requirements. My mother works for the government and has helped us with this. I am not too worried about the process.

 

I also have worried about him potentially missing his friends and family, but he seems to be really independent. Also, when living in the US, he lived in a different state than his father, his mother, his sister and his brother, so everybody lived in a different place and came together for holidays and family events and stuff, so it seems. He moved away from home after he finished high school and has been pretty much on his own two feet ever since. I think he is a very conscious person and very aware of the risks. But his plan and dream was it for many years to come to Europe and move here permanently. Everybody in his family supports him with his plan. He is very social and doesn't have problems meeting new people, making connections. I think he will be ok, this is not something I worry about.

 

We both talk a lot about how much contact we both expect. We have set the 'rule' to talk at least 45 minutes on Skype each day, but hopefully it will be more. We want to make sure that the other person feels secure and reassured. He's very communicative, as I wrote, which is a first in terms of guys that I have dated so far.

 

Oh, and he has been learning German for over a year now, with the plan of being fluent once he arrives. He's very good already and very diligent about studying the language.

 

As you said, I should talk about all this with him, but the thing is, we already have talked about all this. These are not my worries.

[kikik]

As someone else tried to tell you, your reaction to people's perspectives was kind of aggressive.

 

People took the time to offer their perspective on possible issues you might face, they did that not to be hostile, rather to offer their help. So let's start from the point that people (me included) are not here to ruin anyone's dreams, whatever the outcome of your current relationship.

 

Mh ok. I don't think I am aggressive. That's your interpretation. I felt judged on a pretty shallow level. But it doesn't really matter.

 

 

The red flags were the combination of the following:

 

1. stranger temporarily in a foreign country with previous wishes of staying long-term - but no actual plans for long-term stay - wants to date a local woman while visiting said country on a "work and travel thing" visa

 

He wanted to meet some local women. I don't see the problem. It's not like he was looking for love. He was looking to have some fun. Give the guy a break. Any sane person would do the same. I know I would.

 

2. said stranger meets up with the first woman he talks to on a dating website and gets so lucky that she turns out to be the woman for him and he moves in with her after date #2

 

How do you know I was the first woman he talked to? He had some conversations with other girls on there. Not excessively, and not really intensely. We sort of had an interesting chat and decided to meet. I made the first move. He went along with it. And well, yes, he got lucky, cause I am pretty cool. Still, nothing wrong with that, if you ask me.

Now,he did NOT move in with me after date 2. His work and travel ended after two months at the hostel, then he was supposed to meet with a friend in Germany. However, one month in he met me, we dated for a month and then instead of going to Germany he stayed with me, because we wanted to spend all our time together and get to know each other better. He blew off his plans to go to Germany (the country he wants to move to) to be with me.

 

3. same stranger was staying in a hostel for free prior to moving in with the local woman

 

He stayed at the hostel for two months in exchange for working there. This is how these work and travel things work here in Europe.

At this point, let me say, he is not a stranger anymore...

 

4. local woman sounds as if she's wearing rose-colored glasses, and she previously had LDRs gone wrong with younger guys even when thing seemed perfect

 

I am nor wearing rose-colored glasses. I am hyper aware of the situation. And so is he. We talk about these things. We talk about my fears and his fears. We talk about the fact that things are moving fast and things are pretty intense. But we don't know how to else get to know one another well and we know that we want to be together and see where it goes (both being confident it will go into a wonderful direction).

 

 

I think that with those preconditions anyone would be allowed to doubt the situation. We are saying: be cautious, floor *might* be slippery. You can disregard this piece of advice, but you'd be just wise to at least consider that.

 

But why being 'cautious'? Because you still think he is not honest about his intentions? I am so confused as to why you made all these points. You think he is a con artist scamming me? I am really not sure what you are trying to say.

 

Also, what kind of visa did he have exactly? Because the Schengen visa (short stay up to 90 days) doesn't allow you to work, while he worked the whole time while abroad.

 

Schengen visa, yes. He did not work. He did chores at a hostel in exchange for free accomodation. It's called a workaway. It's basically volunteer work and doesn't require a work visa. Young people do it every day. It's a hip thing.

 

 

You said he had a work visa, but I guess he didn't? How is he going to get a work visa? He needs a contract with an employer in the country where he's applying for a work visa, right? So a contract with a German employer stating why he needs to live in Germany. Also, I guess he'd need proof of an accomodation in Germany, address and all. While you are in the Netherlands and it looks like you can't move elsewhere right now.

I might be wrong, but if he works online, he can work anywhere in the world and he doesn't need to live in Europe. How is he going to justify the need to live in EU? If he's refused the work visa and then applies for study visa right away, don't you think they'll get suspicious about him just trying to get in at all costs?

 

Never said he had a work visa, no. He will apply for a self-employment visa, as he is self employed. He did the workaway thing in the Netherlands because he knew he could work remotely online at the same time. However, once he will come to stay permanently, he will get a self-employment visa. He will apply for it in Germany after he will in June on the tourist visa. No employer needed, just proof of income and a few other things that are easy to obtain. We have already researched this thoroughly. As my mother works for the government, she was able to give greater insight on the process. It is fairly easy to get approved for the self-employment visa.

Proof of accommodation should not be a problem. I have family in Germany. They will help out. If it was not for me, he'd move to Germany right away but because we want to be in the same place, he will most likely stay with me until I am ready to move back to Germany as well. I am actually planning on moving back in December.

 

Also, what does he mean by "build something"? Because you clearly said that marriage is nowhere in the picture.

 

Well, you were the one who said dating someone for two months is too early to make any promises, right? I can see myself marrying him or having a family with him someday, and I am confident he can imagine those things as well. But they are indeed nowhere in the picture right now. Building something together does not require marriage. It's 2016. Does in your eyes making a commitment to someone only become worth something once it involves a contract? We are millennials, personally, I find the idea outdated. I am sure he things similarly, although I think neither of us is completely opposed to the idea. Let's talk again in 2 years or so...

 

 

He's only 23, so it's OK. Nevertheless, it'd be interesting to understand why his past experiences were negative.

He said he has found it hard to meet a girl that not only shares his interests, but also stimulates him intellectually and emotionally. We just are a good fit, and his prior experiences seemed to be lacking these things. Additionally, the women he did actually fall for ended up being too immature or flakey. He's been single for two years now and hasn't really dated for over a year, focusing on his career. He didn't expect to meet someone like me, but was of course, pleasantly surprised.

 

You feel "a lot older", what did your past experiences teach you? Because you had other LDRs and with younger guys. Each time you had a new boyfriend, weren't you wearing your rose-colored glasses? Every time, didn't it look better than the previous time? But it ended badly all the same. So maybe that's something that requires some thought.

 

My past experiences taught me that I liked to settle for less than i deserve. I often fell head over heels for guys that ended up not being ready for a commitment, yet I told myself I could change them by being the best girlfriend ever. That was naive on my part, but you know what, I am older now and I have learned from my experiences. This is why dating someone younger now sort of seemed like such an alarming sign to me. But the only thing he has in common with my exes would be the age. So if it comes down to that, I really don't worry in the end. My fears are unsubstantiated.

 

Do you feel like sharing what those fights were about? I think that is very important to see if you two are compatible.

Sure. They were basically about insecurities stemming from those three months. Some jealousy too. On both sides. They were less fights but more so heated discussions and long talk-sessions. I am really happy he is so communicative and I always feel heard and understood. We are extremely compatible. The 'fights' are always constructive, we are moving forward together.

 

If you really want to be objective, start counterchecking what he says. Starting from the visa, for instance.

What do you mean with counterchecking what he says? It's not so much him just saying stuff. It's him sharing his dreams and plans, and us evaluating them together.

 

 

Did you also talk about challenges? You seem to avoid any discussion about visa refusal. Would you be OK with him just staying for 3 months again? In the future?

That is risky, you know? He used up his 90 days. If he can't get another type of visa other than as visitor, he won't be allowed into EU.

 

Of course. Challenges are all we talk about. Visa refusal is unlikely. 3 months again only? If that's the case, we work with it once that happens. What's risky? I know how Schengen works. He will enter as a visitor in June. 182 days will have elapsed. No problem here.

 

 

I think that the rational part of you is worrying, and my question to you is: Would it be safe not to worry? Is it in your best interest not to worry?

 

Yes, I worry. I worry about irrational things such as losing him again like I did with past lovers. It's irrational because I can be myself with him and tell him my worries, something that I hid from past lovers, as I did not feel heard or understood.

I worry about missing him so much that I go crazy. His smell, being held by him, his warmth. I worry about forgetting how he smells, forgetting how it is to be held by him, worried that I will freeze every night that he is not with me, knowing that nothing was ever better than being warmed up by him at night. Am I a romantic? Totally. I am the epitome of romanticism. Gladly, he is the same. It would kill me if I couldn't embrace all of me whilst being with him.

 

I don't know if there's a method working for everybody. Some methods work better for some and not for others. When I feel overwhelmed, I watch a movie that can relax me. I try to get distracted not to think too much. But it could be spending a night out somewhere with friends, or listening to music, etc.

 

I wouldn't reassure myself. I would ask myself: How can I avoid making past mistakes?

As Lord Tennyson wrote:

'Tis better to have loved and lostThan never to have loved at all.But if you avoid too much drama in the process, all the better.

 

Yes, I think so.

Take one step at a time. Don't rush into things. Take your time.

 

Does this mean you have no friends? Having no friends can also make you feel insecure and you get even more attached to the first person giving you some attention.

 

I don't think I will be watching a lot of movies. I have a lot of work to do. It's the nights that I worry about. I need to sleep at some point, right?

 

I can talk to my few close friends, sure. But at some point in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, who do I turn to?

Isn't this the place for such moments? Or am I wrong?

[justwhoiam]

Mh ok. I don't think I am aggressive. That's your interpretation. I felt judged on a pretty shallow level. But it doesn't really matter.

Our comments were meant to protect you. And I think that does matter.

 

Also, I underlined the word "combination" and you analyzed each sentence on their own. That means that when you follow your path, there's no stopping you. At times that can be a good thing, other times it's not, for obvious reasons.

 

Now,he did NOT move in with me after date 2. His work and travel ended after two months at the hostel

This is what caused the misunderstanding:

"he basically started staying with me one month after our first date, and now it's been another month of us living together"

which could be interpreted as you started the relationship after 1 month of knowing one another in person and 2 months in all of cohabitation. But I see now that was not the case.

 

But why being 'cautious'?

Because at times, things don't go as you expected them to go. Because some factors get underestimated. I read hundreds of threads in here about LDRs, and the best advice I can give you is: proceed with caution.

 

you still think he is not honest about his intentions

I can't tell if he is or on what level, because I don't know him. I did try to understand the situation better by asking more questions. And right now, I would be cautious until logistics are all set like he said they would. For what I could understand so far, you wouldn't be ready nor willing to keep up with a LDR that lasts more than the agreed 3 months.

 

Schengen visa, yes. He did not work. He did chores at a hostel in exchange for free accomodation. It's called a workaway. It's basically volunteer work and doesn't require a work visa. Young people do it every day. It's a hip thing.

Now I feel like you're twisting things around. You wrote:

"He's a voice actor working online. He's been working day in and out on his business while he was here"

 

Never said he had a work visa

You said "work and travel visa" in your opening post, then I see you wrote "tourist visa" later on.

 

Well, you were the one who said dating someone for two months is too early to make any promises, right?

You didn't answer. It's OK if you don't feel like answering.

 

Building something together does not require marriage.

So what does that mean?

 

It's 2016. Does in your eyes making a commitment to someone only become worth something once it involves a contract?

I thought he already commited to you. So what's the difference when he says "building something together"?

 

I worry about missing him so much that I go crazy. His smell, being held by him, his warmth. I worry about forgetting how he smells, forgetting how it is to be held by him, worried that I will freeze every night that he is not with me, knowing that nothing was ever better than being warmed up by him at night.

Most people in LDRs experience those same feelings that you described. Some couples cannot endure that and they end up breaking up, but that seems to be rare when the distance is just for 3 months. Though everyone's different, and there's always the imponderable.

 

I can talk to my few close friends, sure. But at some point in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, who do I turn to?

Isn't this the place for such moments? Or am I wrong?

No, I think this is a good place to vent or seek some comfort.

 

As I said, try to take it easy. I have a few of his t-shirts with his smell, so that helps. I have stuff that he gave me or wrote to me by hand. Maybe that doesn't work for everybody, but it does for me.

[elaine567]

I don't know many people who decide to travel to another country as a tourist on a short term visa and decide to put up an okcupid profile but everyone is different. People online date. They put up profiles to meet women where they live (i.e. permanent location) not where they are traveling on vacation. I assume you've been on vacation before, did you have an OKcupid deliberately geared at meeting someone in the place you traveled to? That to me seems suspect but I guess I am not cool and hip.

 

A guy on here did, he arranged to meet women via OLD in the country he was travelling to, so when he went out there on business, he wasn't "lonely", if you get my drift. Local women who could show him the sights and they warmed his bed too.

I am not suggesting that this was the case here.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I think it would be wise to consider what you will do if the 45-minute-per-day Skype call doesn't happen consistently. It could, but work and life get in the way sometimes, especially when factoring in the time difference. (I'm in the same time zone as you, and my family and friends in Canada are 6 hours behind) Speaking for 45 minutes every day is quite a lot; it might be more difficult to keep that up than you realize. If he needs to cancel or reschedule, how will you address that?

 

 

Let us know how the visa application works out. Having been through that process a couple times and finally securing a work permit, I know it's not easy. I am still unclear what type of visa he initially had? As an expat also living in Europe, I am always interested to hear others' stories as we all share that experience. I have been through the Italian system, but I have two friends (also Canadian) who work in Germany. I would say that the process is even stricter there; Italy is notoriously "lax" when it comes to these things!