He's leaving for 3 months - and I am at a loss...

[ExpatInItaly]

Neither of you needs to defend your relationship, really. None of us are emotionally invested, and ultimately it doesn't affect any of our lives. However, when you seek advice from strangers on an internet forum, you need to be prepared to hear opinions of all kinds. It's the the nature of the beast.

 

If you two have a solid plan of contact worked out, then great. Keep the lines of communication open and these next few months will pass quickly. I am guessing there's not much more to add.

 

Let us know how your visa application goes. I've been through it myself and reside and work in Italy (Canadian here) It's tightening up a lot throughout the EU, so I wish you luck in working it all out smoothly.

[ExpatInItaly]

Not worried about his age. Some people actually do know what they want. And why.

 

Of course. But plenty don't, too. It's important to consider both sides of the coin. I think this has probably also crossed your mind, given you mentioned your ages in your initial post.

 

And there were far more points in my post that were unrelated to age, but concerning premature attachment. At any age, it's better to take it slowly and not throw ourselves too quickly into something. It takes a while to determine true compatibility.

[jobee]

Neither of you needs to defend your relationship, really. None of us are emotionally invested, and ultimately it doesn't affect any of our lives. However, when you seek advice from strangers on an internet forum, you need to be prepared to hear opinions of all kinds. It's the the nature of the beast.

 

If you two have a solid plan of contact worked out, then great. Keep the lines of communication open and these next few months will pass quickly. I am guessing there's not much more to add.

 

Let us know how your visa application goes. I've been through it myself and reside and work in Italy (Canadian here) It's tightening up a lot throughout the EU, so I wish you luck in working it all out smoothly.

 

Thank you! Not trying to defend the relationship, but I guess that's how it comes out. Moreso just want to keep the convo productive. And yea, I can imagine about the visa throughout EU, especially with the Syrian crisis. Fortunately I'm self-employed and Germany has a great self-employment visa program.

[Sweetgirl28]

Nice anecdote, but he already has a plane ticket back to my city, he already is planning to have me visit halfway through. This is a mutual engagement, I am not putting someone on a pedestal who is 'not that much into me'.

 

And honestly, I have people give much less judgemental advice on here to people who have described their partner to be flawed in many ways, who have described the relationship as shaky or crumbling.. none of this applies to us. So I really have no idea why you'd compare the way YOU acted towards a guy at some point in your life to the way my boyfriend acts towards me now, when his intentions are clearly nowhere close to yours in your story...

 

Haha this made me laugh! Seriously, we are just here to give you advice. It's tedious to read through all these posts rambling about how awesome the guy is, and still post a decent comment with good advice.

 

To start by quoting you; I really have no idea why YOU wouldn't take any advice. You're on this forum crying out loud for help. I tell you a story about what I did. I admit it's slightly different in that I actually lived in that country for 3 years, and only met the guy right before I was leaving. We had been exclusive for only a month at that point. He was only one of many men I had been dating there. I'm sure your guy would have dated more than one woman too if he had been there for 3 years... Chances are you wouldn't even be together anymore after all that time.

 

The guy in my story was a cheap place to stay. Since your guy is a traveler, I'm inclined to say that there may be common ground there. If Germany is in his plans, then I'm sure he would like to visit Holland again at some point. Guess whose place he will want to stay at?

 

If you don't want to listen to any advice, you are probably better off skyping with him instead of being on this forum. Your posts sound very aggressive and defensive. If he is really prince charming, then what's stopping you to marry him?

[jobee]

Haha this made me laugh! Seriously, we are just here to give you advice. It's tedious to read through all these posts rambling about how awesome the guy is, and still post a decent comment with good advice.

 

To start by quoting you; I really have no idea why YOU wouldn't take any advice. You're on this forum crying out loud for help. I tell you a story about what I did. I admit it's slightly different in that I actually lived in that country for 3 years, and only met the guy right before I was leaving. We had been exclusive for only a month at that point. He was only one of many men I had been dating there. I'm sure your guy would have dated more than one woman too if he had been there for 3 years... Chances are you wouldn't even be together anymore after all that time.

 

The guy in my story was a cheap place to stay. Since your guy is a traveler, I'm inclined to say that there may be common ground there. If Germany is in his plans, then I'm sure he would like to visit Holland again at some point. Guess whose place he will want to stay at?

 

If you don't want to listen to any advice, you are probably better off skyping with him instead of being on this forum. Your posts sound very aggressive and defensive. If he is really prince charming, then what's stopping you to marry him?

 

We skype as well. What's wrong with multiple channels of support?

[Robert]

Moderation stepping in to advise posters to stick to the topic, regardless of how one feels about the thread-starter's relationship. Relevant questions the thread-starter has asked are quoted below.

 

~6

 

 

What can I do, at this point, to worry less?

What methods could I use to calm myself down?

How can I reassure myself and not let past experiences blur my vision?

And most of all, is it worth it? Should I really risk potential heartbreak?

I don't know... I have never felt this secure with anyone, and at the same time I have never felt this vulnerable.

As if the world would fall asunder if this was truly not working out.

Am I looking through rose tinted glasses -- or... is THIS it?

And how can I make sure I DON'T GO CRAZY?

 

Any positive advice and tipps are appreciated... I just need to hear it from someone other than my partner. I have nobody else to talk to (I am not a very social person).

Thanks in advance.

Edited March 11, 2016 by Robert

[Sweetgirl28]

What can I do, at this point, to worry less?

What methods could I use to calm myself down?

How can I reassure myself and not let past experiences blur my vision?

And most of all, is it worth it? Should I really risk potential heartbreak?

I don't know... I have never felt this secure with anyone, and at the same time I have never felt this vulnerable.

As if the world would fall asunder if this was truly not working out.

Am I looking through rose tinted glasses -- or... is THIS it?

And how can I make sure I DON'T GO CRAZY?

 

Any positive advice and tipps are appreciated... I just need to hear it from someone other than my partner. I have nobody else to talk to (I am not a very social person).

Thanks in advance.

 

- go out and do something!

- find a new hobby, get a dog, go to the gym...

- look for red flags, ask yourself what this relationship is built on; who is the giver and who is the taker

- is it worth it is all up to you

- you are definitely embellishing everything; is 2 months soon enough to say for sure you've met your soulmate? I can't but everyone is different

- socialize, meet new people, hang out with friends, family, get drunk, ...

Edited March 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[kikik]

What can I do, at this point, to worry less?

What methods could I use to calm myself down?

How can I reassure myself and not let past experiences blur my vision?

And most of all, is it worth it? Should I really risk potential heartbreak?

I don't know... I have never felt this secure with anyone, and at the same time I have never felt this vulnerable.

As if the world would fall asunder if this was truly not working out.

Am I looking through rose tinted glasses -- or... is THIS it?

And how can I make sure I DON'T GO CRAZY?

 

Any positive advice and tipps are appreciated... I just need to hear it from someone other than my partner. I have nobody else to talk to (I am not a very social person).

Thanks in advance.

 

- go out and do something!

- find a new hobby, get a dog, go to the gym...

- look for red flags, ask yourself what this relationship is built on; who is the giver and who is the taker

- is it worth it is all up to you

- you are definitely embellishing everything; is 2 months soon enough to say for sure you've met your soulmate? I can't but everyone is different

- socialize, meet new people, hang out with friends, family, get drunk, ...

 

I go outside every day. I am preoccupied with my studies.

I have too many hobbies, many of which I engage in together with jobee.

I just quit my gym membership, too expensive.

I have 3 cats and don't really like dogs.

No red flags... this relationship is built on mutual respect and admiration. We both take and give at all times.

Do you believe there needs to be a giver and taker? You don't think a relationship can be balanced?

It is worth it.

Two months is not too soon to say that I have met my soulmate.

That was easy to discover. Now it is all about maintaining, nurturing and expanding this discovery. This is difficult, though, when three months apart.

I don't like socializing. I am an introvert. I don't care about meeting new people, I have no time and no interest, I am okay with the ones I know.

My family lives far away.

I don't drink.

 

Not defending myself, just thinking out loud.

Thanks for the input, Sweetgirl28!!

[Robert]

Let's try this again before some members are permanently banned from the site. Three members have ignored moderation's directive and will no longer be posting to this thread. ~6

 

 

 

Moderation stepping in to advise posters to stick to the topic, regardless of how one feels about the thread-starter's relationship. Relevant questions the thread-starter has asked are quoted below.

 

~6

 

 

What can I do, at this point, to worry less?

What methods could I use to calm myself down?

How can I reassure myself and not let past experiences blur my vision?

And most of all, is it worth it? Should I really risk potential heartbreak?

I don't know... I have never felt this secure with anyone, and at the same time I have never felt this vulnerable.

As if the world would fall asunder if this was truly not working out.

Am I looking through rose tinted glasses -- or... is THIS it?

And how can I make sure I DON'T GO CRAZY?

 

Any positive advice and tipps are appreciated... I just need to hear it from someone other than my partner. I have nobody else to talk to (I am not a very social person).

Thanks in advance.

[LittleTiger]

I go outside every day. I am preoccupied with my studies.

I have too many hobbies, many of which I engage in together with jobee.

I just quit my gym membership, too expensive.

I have 3 cats and don't really like dogs.

No red flags... this relationship is built on mutual respect and admiration. We both take and give at all times.

Do you believe there needs to be a giver and taker? You don't think a relationship can be balanced?

It is worth it.

Two months is not too soon to say that I have met my soulmate.

That was easy to discover. Now it is all about maintaining, nurturing and expanding this discovery. This is difficult, though, when three months apart.

I don't like socializing. I am an introvert. I don't care about meeting new people, I have no time and no interest, I am okay with the ones I know.

My family lives far away.

I don't drink.

 

Not defending myself, just thinking out loud.

Thanks for the input, Sweetgirl28!!

 

Honestly kikik, the truth is, you just have to 'suck it up' and get on with it. It's a harsh reality of being in an LDR. I know because I'm an 'expert' at this...six years and counting...and happy in my relationship. My friends and family (and other LSers), don't bother questioning my choice because my guy and I are sure we're doing what's right for us.

 

Life goes on 'as normal' when we're not together and 'normal' is whatever you choose to make it. Do whatever makes you feel happiest, as often as you can. That goes for all times in life not just when in an LDR! I have cats too, I experience great joy just cuddling them and feeling/hearing them purr. I devour books, I go out with friends, I talk to family/friends on the phone, I walk in the mountains, I work, I listen to music, I swim, I work out...whatever I feel like doing and have the time for...and twice a day I video chat with my guy.

 

It's not difficult to nurture a relationship from afar when both people are open and honest and put in the time and the effort. I think we give each other considerably more undivided attention that most people in long term relationships who live together full time.

 

You may be soulmates, I hope you are. You may also find in twelve months time that you're not as compatible as you first thought. You may decide you're better as friends, or enemies! Whatever happens in the future, focus on enjoying your new found love and all the positive aspects of it. You'll never have this time again, so you'll want to create good memories.

 

Three months is nothing...you will be absolutely fine!

[Els]

 

What can I do, at this point, to worry less?

What methods could I use to calm myself down?

How can I reassure myself and not let past experiences blur my vision?

And most of all, is it worth it? Should I really risk potential heartbreak?

I don't know... I have never felt this secure with anyone, and at the same time I have never felt this vulnerable.

As if the world would fall asunder if this was truly not working out.

Am I looking through rose tinted glasses -- or... is THIS it?

And how can I make sure I DON'T GO CRAZY?

 

Didn't read the other pages, but just addressing these questions:

 

It's normal to have rose tinted glasses during the honeymoon phase of a R. And as long as you don't make any rash decisions during that period of time, it's perfectly fine, and in fact it's quite a nice phase to be in! I still have fond memories of our honeymoon phase, and it's been several years since then...

 

I don't think staying for 3 months in a LDR with a person whom you've already met and known IRL is a big risk at all. Well, I suppose it's risky in the sense of every new R being risky, and it's going to be a bit harder than most, but it's not really as huge a risk as you're making it out to be. Worst case scenario it doesn't work out, and you both learn some things about yourself and about what you want out of a relationship. The 20s are the absolute best time to be learning such things IMO, so you're fine in that regard too.

 

As for how to worry less, my suggestion would be to have a hobby/career that you are passionate about, and (platonic) relationships with other people that also make you happy.

[kikik]

Didn't read the other pages, but just addressing these questions:

 

It's normal to have rose tinted glasses during the honeymoon phase of a R. And as long as you don't make any rash decisions during that period of time, it's perfectly fine, and in fact it's quite a nice phase to be in! I still have fond memories of our honeymoon phase, and it's been several years since then...

 

I don't think staying for 3 months in a LDR with a person whom you've already met and known IRL is a big risk at all. Well, I suppose it's risky in the sense of every new R being risky, and it's going to be a bit harder than most, but it's not really as huge a risk as you're making it out to be. Worst case scenario it doesn't work out, and you both learn some things about yourself and about what you want out of a relationship. The 20s are the absolute best time to be learning such things IMO, so you're fine in that regard too.

 

As for how to worry less, my suggestion would be to have a hobby/career that you are passionate about, and (platonic) relationships with other people that also make you happy.

 

 

Thank you for the positive feedback, Elswyth! We are working hard, it's only day 3 but things are going very well. Lots of communication and mutual understanding. Your input was uplifting.