He's leaving for 3 months - and I am at a loss...

[kikik]

OP, I think it would be wise to consider what you will do if the 45-minute-per-day Skype call doesn't happen consistently. It could, but work and life get in the way sometimes, especially when factoring in the time difference. (I'm in the same time zone as you, and my family and friends in Canada are 6 hours behind) Speaking for 45 minutes every day is quite a lot; it might be more difficult to keep that up than you realize. If he needs to cancel or reschedule, how will you address that?

 

 

Let us know how the visa application works out. Having been through that process a couple times and finally securing a work permit, I know it's not easy. I am still unclear what type of visa he initially had? As an expat also living in Europe, I am always interested to hear others' stories as we all share that experience. I have been through the Italian system, but I have two friends (also Canadian) who work in Germany. I would say that the process is even stricter there; Italy is notoriously "lax" when it comes to these things!

 

Yeah, that might be the case, but if it doesn't work out every day I am sure it wont be much of a problem. I am confident we will be in touch as much as possible. And he won't be doing much over there for the three months other than working on his business (from home - he will be staying with his family), and preparing for the big move.

 

Initially he was only here with the Schengen Visa. Because he is self-employed as a voice actor he was able to work remotely during his stay, but he also volunteered at a hostel for the first two months for free accommodation (workaway, as they call it), then was to travel to Germany but ended up staying with me because we fell in love.

I am not too worried about the visa process, he will be getting the self employment visa, it's a fairly easy one to get. I have help from a family friend who is a lawyer who will be able to help with the process.

[kikik]

Our comments were meant to protect you. And I think that does matter.

 

Also, I underlined the word "combination" and you analyzed each sentence on their own. That means that when you follow your path, there's no stopping you. At times that can be a good thing, other times it's not, for obvious reasons.

 

This is what caused the misunderstanding:

"he basically started staying with me one month after our first date, and now it's been another month of us living together"

which could be interpreted as you started the relationship after 1 month of knowing one another in person and 2 months in all of cohabitation. But I see now that was not the case.

 

Because at times, things don't go as you expected them to go. Because some factors get underestimated. I read hundreds of threads in here about LDRs, and the best advice I can give you is: proceed with caution.

 

I can't tell if he is or on what level, because I don't know him. I did try to understand the situation better by asking more questions. And right now, I would be cautious until logistics are all set like he said they would. For what I could understand so far, you wouldn't be ready nor willing to keep up with a LDR that lasts more than the agreed 3 months.

 

Now I feel like you're twisting things around. You wrote:

"He's a voice actor working online. He's been working day in and out on his business while he was here"

 

You said "work and travel visa" in your opening post, then I see you wrote "tourist visa" later on.

 

You didn't answer. It's OK if you don't feel like answering.

 

So what does that mean?

 

I thought he already commited to you. So what's the difference when he says "building something together"?

 

Most people in LDRs experience those same feelings that you described. Some couples cannot endure that and they end up breaking up, but that seems to be rare when the distance is just for 3 months. Though everyone's different, and there's always the imponderable.

 

No, I think this is a good place to vent or seek some comfort.

 

As I said, try to take it easy. I have a few of his t-shirts with his smell, so that helps. I have stuff that he gave me or wrote to me by hand. Maybe that doesn't work for everybody, but it does for me.

 

 

I am very confident he is not a con artist, haha. The level of intimacy we have reached is the best and most wonderful I have ever experienced. I could not imagine any of this to not be genuine.

 

3 months is a long time in my book. I dont know, time seems to not be passing when I am missing someone. It's pretty frustrating.

 

What he meant with "building something together" he means growing together as a couple, as partners.... building a future together, experiencing life together. Supporting each other in our endeavours, and sharing things together.

Not sure what else this would mean?

[kikik]

A guy on here did, he arranged to meet women via OLD in the country he was travelling to, so when he went out there on business, he wasn't "lonely", if you get my drift. Local women who could show him the sights and they warmed his bed too.

I am not suggesting that this was the case here.

 

I think this is really far fetched. I trust him. He lived in a hostel, he came here for a workaway, he met plenty of people and yet he chose to be with me.

[kikik]

By the way, I just brought him to the airport. It was very emotional. Lots of tears. I spent time there until his plane left. Then I got a coffee and some cookie and wandered around. I went to see my therapist (conveniently scheduled appointment) and that helped alleviate some of my anxieties. Then I went home. This is when it hit me.

I have been in tears pretty much ever since I got home. Everything here reminds me of him.

He left most of his clothes here so they are in my wardrobe, some of them worn, they smell like him. (So, as you said justwhoiam, I have those things, not sure if they make it easier or harder). The bed sheets smell like him. I have to wash them at some point, I guess...

I just cleared my desk, trying to clean a bit, get in the groove, not to dwell on things too much... but it is so hard.

He just called me, from his layover in Reykjavik... Now I have to wait another 8 hours until he calls me once he lands in Boston. I have to say, it is difficult.

I really fudging miss him.

How long does this hurt? When will I get used to this?

I am afraid to go to sleep alone tonight.

 

Meeting a friend in an hour for a glass of wine, maybe good to distract myself. Tomorrow another friend invited me to go out, that's probably a good thing... I am going to bury my head in work now...

But oh man, I miss him.

 

How is it humanly possible to miss someone this much???

Edited March 10, 2016 by kikik

[elaine567]

I am very confident he is not a con artist, haha. The level of intimacy we have reached is the best and most wonderful I have ever experienced. I could not imagine any of this to not be genuine.

 

I am not suggesting he is a con artist, but other women have married con artists do you not think they had a fantastic level of intimacy too, do you not think they thought he was genuine? Con artists do not have con artist tattooed on their forehead, they are usually very clever people.

I do not feel he is likely to be a con artist, but he is a young man and outwith the "love" bubble you created around each other here, then can he keep it all going strong, would be my concern?

I take it you do not live in Germany, so what are your plans for when he returns?

[hippychick3]

By the way, I just brought him to the airport. It was very emotional. Lots of tears. I spent time there until his plane left. Then I got a coffee and some cookie and wandered around. I went to see my therapist (conveniently scheduled appointment) and that helped alleviate some of my anxieties. Then I went home. This is when it hit me.

I have been in tears pretty much ever since I got home. Everything here reminds me of him.

He left most of his clothes here so they are in my wardrobe, some of them worn, they smell like him. (So, as you said justwhoiam, I have those things, not sure if they make it easier or harder). The bed sheets smell like him. I have to wash them at some point, I guess...

I just cleared my desk, trying to clean a bit, get in the groove, not to dwell on things too much... but it is so hard.

He just called me, from his layover in Reykjavik... Now I have to wait another 8 hours until he calls me once he lands in Boston. I have to say, it is difficult.

I really fudging miss him.

How long does this hurt? When will I get used to this?

I am afraid to go to sleep alone tonight.

 

Meeting a friend in an hour for a glass of wine, maybe good to distract myself. Tomorrow another friend invited me to go out, that's probably a good thing... I am going to bury my head in work now...

But oh man, I miss him.

 

How is it humanly possible to miss someone this much???

 

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. But your level of distress at this stage is very unhealthy. I hope your therapist is helping you with this.

[justwhoiam]

I agree with hippychick3.

 

In 4.5 years (3.5 years in a steady relationship), I never experienced this in such a bad way, the day we parted.

Just once, I had tears while on the plane heading home.

For me, it usually gets worse as days go by inbetween visits. I hope for you, it's going to be the opposite, that is very bad in the beginning and getting better as time goes on.

 

Why are you seeing a therapist? Were you suffering from anxiety prior to the relationship? That might be a problem in a LDR, on top of normal frustration for being far away from each other. There have been a number of cases on here, where one in the couple was in therapy. I'm not sure if you could benefit from reading them. Maybe it's better for you to relax and see friends, like you said.

 

Are you taking any medication?

[kikik]

I agree with hippychick3.

 

In 4.5 years (3.5 years in a steady relationship), I never experienced this in such a bad way, the day we parted.

Just once, I had tears while on the plane heading home.

For me, it usually gets worse as days go by inbetween visits. I hope for you, it's going to be the opposite, that is very bad in the beginning and getting better as time goes on.

 

Why are you seeing a therapist? Were you suffering from anxiety prior to the relationship? That might be a problem in a LDR, on top of normal frustration for being far away from each other. There have been a number of cases on here, where one in the couple was in therapy. I'm not sure if you could benefit from reading them. Maybe it's better for you to relax and see friends, like you said.

 

Are you taking any medication?

 

 

Forgive me, dear... but I must admit that this is the single greatest romance I have had in my entire life and I am generally producing more oestrogen than the normal modern woman... I am quite sentimental. So this parting is very difficult and today is the day he left, so yes, I am very very emotional. Especially because I could not talk to him all day because he was on the plane.

I am about to pass out, it's late, but I haven't heard from him yet, so I am still a bit sad and miss him of course a lot.

 

Being in therapy is not a stigma nowadays. Half of the people I know are in therapy, some for more severe reasons than others. I myself have had social anxiety all my life and am in therapy for ADD mainly. I am on a low dose of Citalopram, for my anxiety, but it's not doing much, I only started to take it in October last year, thinking of going off again, as the effects are too subtle. Either way, it has little to do with my relationship. I am seeing my therapist by choice in order to become a bit more organized and a bit less anxious about certain spaces.

 

Tonight I went to see a friend and after had to go to campus to film a project for an environmental initiative I work for, so that was a good distraction. I had fun. Sadly, once I got home again, the 'missing' returned immediately and I broke into tears. It is too hard, being reminded by him with everything that surrounds me, for we have shared this place every day for the past month. And every day was so special and filled with joy. Now lying in bed and feeling completely lonely.

I think it will subside within the next two weeks, nevertheless, it is very, very hard right now and I wish there was a cure for it.

 

People always say "you were okay before he came along, so you should be ok now".

But our dynamic is so great, everything makes just more sense when we are together.

I know a lot of people here would say it is unhealthy, but if you ask any of my family or friends who have experienced us together, you'd know that this is by far the healthiest relationship I have ever entered.. I have never been glowing more, nor have I ever expressed more joy in my life when being with another person.

 

Anyway, he just called that he landed, so I am able to try and go to sleep. Good night.

[kikik]

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. But your level of distress at this stage is very unhealthy. I hope your therapist is helping you with this.

 

You think so? You ever been in love? You never cried the day a loved one left for a significant amount of time and become sentimental over the parting?

I find that hard to believe.

 

Well, perhaps I expressed myself the wrong way, I am NOT really 'hurting'... I mean, I am happy, I have found someone special. It's more so the feeling of missing. It's a weird feeling, I don't think I have ever felt this intensely. As if a part of me is missing.

 

I don't think it's unhealthy. I think it is beautiful and meaningful.

But it is also of course not productive if I dwell on it too much.

 

I wish there was a way for me to shut it off at times....

BTW I AM PMS-ing mega super duper right now.

That probably adds to it... :(:(:(:(:(:sick:

[kikik]

I am not suggesting he is a con artist, but other women have married con artists do you not think they had a fantastic level of intimacy too, do you not think they thought he was genuine? Con artists do not have con artist tattooed on their forehead, they are usually very clever people.

I do not feel he is likely to be a con artist, but he is a young man and outwith the "love" bubble you created around each other here, then can he keep it all going strong, would be my concern?

I take it you do not live in Germany, so what are your plans for when he returns?

 

Yeah we did create a bit of a love bubble, but we were very conscious of it as it happened and let ourself congruently embrace it and treat it carefully also. We spent time with my and his friends, we had couples nights, he met my mother and all my close friends, i met his parents and brother on Skype, we went out a lot, and most of all, it's not like we were just lying in bed the whole time promising each other the world... We actually did a lot of cool stuff in just two months.

We wrote and recorded a song together, we made a video game and released it online, we are working on a second video game, we both engaged in a lot of political discussion and together enthusiastically followed the US elections, we both showed each other our favorite things and embraced each others hobbies, became enmeshed with them, we found all these things we have in common together and supported each other with our projects, gave one another advice, we made a book of things and projects we want to do together and have planned to keep creating things and do projects while we are apart for three months, to continue to grow etc etc.

Above all, we have decided to commit to one another, to get to know each other better and to build something solid. We have managed to create a very strong bond over the past two months and I am confident we will last a long time.

 

I have been with deceiving a22holes in the past. I know their schemes. I know when I see an honest man. I know when someone tells me they love me and mean it. I am not settling for less than I deserve.

 

I still feel insulted by what you said, feel you mocked my social and emotional intelligence, but that's ok, you don't know me or us, so it's easy to judge from the internet. "I was born at night, but I wasn't born last night" (- Cornel West).

 

I am trying to tell you a bit about us so you get a better picture of our relationship, I hope it helped. Thank you all for the input, nevertheless.

[Aika]

Forgive me, dear... but I must admit that this is the single greatest romance I have had in my entire life and I am generally producing more oestrogen than the normal modern woman... I am quite sentimental. So this parting is very difficult and today is the day he left, so yes, I am very very emotional. Especially because I could not talk to him all day because he was on the plane.

I am about to pass out, it's late, but I haven't heard from him yet, so I am still a bit sad and miss him of course a lot.

 

Being in therapy is not a stigma nowadays. Half of the people I know are in therapy, some for more severe reasons than others. I myself have had social anxiety all my life and am in therapy for ADD mainly. I am on a low dose of Citalopram, for my anxiety, but it's not doing much, I only started to take it in October last year, thinking of going off again, as the effects are too subtle. Either way, it has little to do with my relationship. I am seeing my therapist by choice in order to become a bit more organized and a bit less anxious about certain spaces.

 

Tonight I went to see a friend and after had to go to campus to film a project for an environmental initiative I work for, so that was a good distraction. I had fun. Sadly, once I got home again, the 'missing' returned immediately and I broke into tears. It is too hard, being reminded by him with everything that surrounds me, for we have shared this place every day for the past month. And every day was so special and filled with joy. Now lying in bed and feeling completely lonely.

I think it will subside within the next two weeks, nevertheless, it is very, very hard right now and I wish there was a cure for it.

 

People always say "you were okay before he came along, so you should be ok now".

But our dynamic is so great, everything makes just more sense when we are together.

I know a lot of people here would say it is unhealthy, but if you ask any of my family or friends who have experienced us together, you'd know that this is by far the healthiest relationship I have ever entered.. I have never been glowing more, nor have I ever expressed more joy in my life when being with another person.

 

Anyway, he just called that he landed, so I am able to try and go to sleep. Good night.

 

You are aggressive... everything people say to you here you take to the extreme and as a personal attack on you and your partner. You refuse to acknowledge anything anyone says here as what it is... words of caution and advice. No one is wishing the demise of your relationship here. Not everything is a personal attack on you, and it would serve you well to adjust your attitude.

 

This is so early on in the honeymoon phase you don't seem to be thinking too clearly. Every new romance is the greatest romance in one's life for the most part. That's why it's a honeymoon phase... Posters here have been through similar situations, and offering advice. You can proceed however you want to, it's your life and your choice, but it wouldn't hurt to listen to words of caution and perhaps consider them. You've become attached VERY quickly and it can unfortunately end very badly if things don't work out. I do wish you the best though, and try to be more open to the ideas/thoughts of others if you post on a board asking for advice.

[kikik]

You are aggressive... everything people say to you here you take to the extreme and as a personal attack on you and your partner. You refuse to acknowledge anything anyone says here as what it is... words of caution and advice. No one is wishing the demise of your relationship here. Not everything is a personal attack on you, and it would serve you well to adjust your attitude.

 

This is so early on in the honeymoon phase you don't seem to be thinking too clearly. Every new romance is the greatest romance in one's life for the most part. That's why it's a honeymoon phase... Posters here have been through similar situations, and offering advice. You can proceed however you want to, it's your life and your choice, but it wouldn't hurt to listen to words of caution and perhaps consider them. You've become attached VERY quickly and it can unfortunately end very badly if things don't work out. I do wish you the best though, and try to be more open to the ideas/thoughts of others if you post on a board asking for advice.

 

I am not aggressive. I came here asking a simple few questions and every poster on here just turns my positive posts around into something negative. If someone would do that to you, it would hurt you as well, especially when you don't even have certain worries and then people make you worry more -- when really all you ask for is tips to worry less.

 

WHAT is wrong with getting attached quickly?

Is there a formula, a standard one needs to follow, is there something that I missed?

 

You guys are just deviating from my initial questions and talk bad about my relationship, of which you know nothing about, and your advice is only negative.

[blackcat777]

WHAT is wrong with getting attached quickly?

 

Nothing, but it runs the risk of massive heartbreak. Dating, used wisely, is an observation and vetting process, where over time you determine whether or not your partner's values and goals align with yours, in combination with physical chemistry.

 

Making huge life decisions based purely on chemistry... without the component of time to temper you through hormonal waves that will pass... could be potentially ruinous if you get swept away and forget to observe what makes the solid foundation of a relationship.

 

There's nothing wrong with falling hard... sometimes you get lucky and it is a good match. Very often, however, when the chemistry fades, it's not a good match, which is why everyone is sending words of caution.

 

And even when you're lucky, the road isn't always smooth. I'm about your age, my boyfriend is younger, our relationship started with the same insane levels of passion. He left me out of nowhere one day. We had a genuine reconciliation after a long period of time, but the breakup was the most painful experience of my life. Complete 180s out of nowhere are a very real risk in relationships when a partner is under 25 and finishing cognitive development.

 

No one is being negative, people are just trying to offer some different perspectives to spare you some unnecessary tears. There might not even be any tears! But it's good to keep two feet on the ground.

Edited March 11, 2016 by blackcat777

[ExpatInItaly]

I am not aggressive. I came here asking a simple few questions and every poster on here just turns my positive posts around into something negative. If someone would do that to you, it would hurt you as well, especially when you don't even have certain worries and then people make you worry more -- when really all you ask for is tips to worry less.

 

WHAT is wrong with getting attached quickly?

Is there a formula, a standard one needs to follow, is there something that I missed?

 

You guys are just deviating from my initial questions and talk bad about my relationship, of which you know nothing about, and your advice is only negative.

 

It is generally unwise because we don't really know the person we're attaching ourselves to. It's simply not possible to know anyone very well after just a couple of months. So that attachment is based on an idea of them rather than who they really are.

 

While there is no standard formula, it is usually better to move slowly and give that person time to earn our trust and reveal their true selves. Making big life changes and grand plans based on so little knowledge is a big risk no matter who is involved, particularly considering the factors at work here (ie the age gap and the large distance)

 

I don't personally believe he is trying to deceive you. But I do think he's still very young and the change he is planning to make is a huge one. People change so much in their twenties. My only caution here would be to proceed slowly and see if he's worth it and able to give you the kind of commitment you are seeking in the long-term. The advice here is coming across as negative, but I believe that's because several of us have been where you are now. We are not simply speaking with no basis - plenty of us speak from experience. Just be careful and see if this connection survives the honeymoon phase before making big life plans. That is something I would say to anyone in a new relationship, not just in this case.

 

That is why we are advising you to be careful about getting too attached too soon.

Edited March 11, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[hippychick3]

You think so? You ever been in love? You never cried the day a loved one left for a significant amount of time and become sentimental over the parting?

I find that hard to believe.

 

Well, perhaps I expressed myself the wrong way, I am NOT really 'hurting'... I mean, I am happy, I have found someone special. It's more so the feeling of missing. It's a weird feeling, I don't think I have ever felt this intensely. As if a part of me is missing.

 

I don't think it's unhealthy. I think it is beautiful and meaningful.

But it is also of course not productive if I dwell on it too much.

 

I wish there was a way for me to shut it off at times....

BTW I AM PMS-ing mega super duper right now.

That probably adds to it... :(:(:(:(:(:sick:

 

Yes, I've been in love and have had to be separated from that person for extended periods of time. I'm currently very much in love with someone I've been dating seriously for 2 1/2 years now. It didn't start off as long distance but it is now. I miss him very much when we are apart but as much as I love him, I don't cry at night because he's not with me. I've done what any healthy person should do... Which is to NOT revolve my life around him. I have friends, my family, work, and activities I enjoy that fill my time without him. This only enriches my life even more and conversely has deepened our relationship and bond. The spaces in between have made us appreciate and love each other even more.

 

Love is beautiful. But your inability to sleep without someone you've known for 2 months (or is it 3?... I can't figure that out) and your intense distress over his 3 month departure is not beautiful and not healthy.

[kikik]

Yes, I've been in love and have had to be separated from that person for extended periods of time. I'm currently very much in love with someone I've been dating seriously for 2 1/2 years now. It didn't start off as long distance but it is now. I miss him very much when we are apart but as much as I love him, I don't cry at night because he's not with me. I've done what any healthy person should do... Which is to NOT revolve my life around him. I have friends, my family, work, and activities I enjoy that fill my time without him. This only enriches my life even more and conversely has deepened our relationship and bond. The spaces in between have made us appreciate and love each other even more.

 

Love is beautiful. But your inability to sleep without someone you've known for 2 months (or is it 3?... I can't figure that out) and your intense distress over his 3 month departure is not beautiful and not healthy.

 

I find nothing to be unhealthy about my situation.

We spent all our time together for two months. Especially the last month was very beautiful, as he stayed with me and we did everything together.of course it is weird when the person is not there all of a sudden. Anyone who doesn't cry and feels lonely all of a sudden is not really in love, if you ask me.

ITS THE FIRST DARN NIGHT FOR GODS SAKE. Give me a break.

I was looking for some emotional support. The only reason I am in emotional distress now is your negative comments.

 

You are acting as if I have no life without him. That's ridiculous. I am keeping myself as busy as I can - meeting friends, working hard and go about my day. And come night I get sentimental about the other side of the bed being empty. You think it's unhealthy? You don't know what you are talking about.

 

I don't care what any of you guys think. You haven't been with us for the past two months so you can't see what we see.

Edited March 11, 2016 by kikik

[kikik]

It is generally unwise because we don't really know the person we're attaching ourselves to. It's simply not possible to know anyone very well after just a couple of months. So that attachment is based on an idea of them rather than who they really are.

 

While there is no standard formula, it is usually better to move slowly and give that person time to earn our trust and reveal their true selves. Making big life changes and grand plans based on so little knowledge is a big risk no matter who is involved, particularly considering the factors at work here (ie the age gap and the large distance)

 

I don't personally believe he is trying to deceive you. But I do think he's still very young and the change he is planning to make is a huge one. People change so much in their twenties. My only caution here would be to proceed slowly and see if he's worth it and able to give you the kind of commitment you are seeking in the long-term. The advice here is coming across as negative, but I believe that's because several of us have been where you are now. We are not simply speaking with no basis - plenty of us speak from experience. Just be careful and see if this connection survives the honeymoon phase before making big life plans. That is something I would say to anyone in a new relationship, not just in this case.

 

That is why we are advising you to be careful about getting too attached too soon.

 

 

Not worried about his age. Some people actually do know what they want. And why.

[kikik]

Nothing, but it runs the risk of massive heartbreak. Dating, used wisely, is an observation and vetting process, where over time you determine whether or not your partner's values and goals align with yours, in combination with physical chemistry.

 

Making huge life decisions based purely on chemistry... without the component of time to temper you through hormonal waves that will pass... could be potentially ruinous if you get swept away and forget to observe what makes the solid foundation of a relationship.

 

There's nothing wrong with falling hard... sometimes you get lucky and it is a good match. Very often, however, when the chemistry fades, it's not a good match, which is why everyone is sending words of caution.

 

And even when you're lucky, the road isn't always smooth. I'm about your age, my boyfriend is younger, our relationship started with the same insane levels of passion. He left me out of nowhere one day. We had a genuine reconciliation after a long period of time, but the breakup was the most painful experience of my life. Complete 180s out of nowhere are a very real risk in relationships when a partner is under 25 and finishing cognitive development.

 

No one is being negative, people are just trying to offer some different perspectives to spare you some unnecessary tears. There might not even be any tears! But it's good to keep two feet on the ground.

 

You did not read all that I wrote. This relationship is not based on pure chemistry. There is so much more to our bond than physicality.

We have mutual feelings for one another. We like all the same things and have the same values and the same goals in life.

We are at a similar point in our lives when it comes to goals.

We know what we want and talk about everything extensively.

I have not ever met someone so communicative and aware of their emotions - not his age or older.

All the things you say to worry about just don't apply to us.

I know this because, as I have said before, I was born at night but I wasn't born yesterday. Just like you - I presume.

[Sweetgirl28]

It depends on the guy in this situation. I have been in a similar situation where I was the one leaving the country after having been in a relationship for a month. My main motivation for dating him at the time was having a cheap place to stay in case I wanted to come back. Honestly, I wasn't too eager about him at that point but I am sure I came across as "in love".

 

I feel that you are quite defensive about him at this point. That is understandable due to those butterflies. You feel as if you have found your Prince Charming, soulmate, twin flame, whatever term you like to use for it.

 

However, if he hasn't made any concrete plans yet to return, I would write him off. I left my ex by saying "I will be back" but booking a flight wasn't my first job when I returned home. I didn't even want to book a flight at that point. In fact, he booked a flight to come see me a week later after skyping. It snowballed from there.

 

Long story short. If there is one advice I took away from that relationship, it's never put your eggs in one basket.

[elaine567]

I think everyone here is worried that you are investing so much into this, that should it not work out, you are going to find it very difficult to cope.

 

WE have all been "in love", but you seem to be taking this to the nth degree.

At the moment it is just a 2 month intense "fling" with a free spirited 23 year old traveller, no more, no less.

It may turn out to be more.

Let's hope for your sake it does, but until then, please try to inject some realism here, else you could be building yourself up to fall from a great height.

[hippychick3]

[]

 

You received a lot of very good and thoughtful advice here. Nobody wants your relationship to fail. We all have a lot of experience and are trying to help you see that looking through rose-colored glasses may not be in your best interest. Those successful relationships that have endured over time typically started off more slowly and deepened over time. Many of us have experienced those relationships that started off with that great intensity and infatuation only to have it fizzle over time. It is very sad that your defensiveness and inability to deal with reality may be your detriment when this relationship doesn't work out.

Edited March 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[kikik]

I think everyone here is worried that you are investing so much into this, that should it not work out, you are going to find it very difficult to cope.

 

WE have all been "in love", but you seem to be taking this to the nth degree.

At the moment it is just a 2 month intense "fling" with a free spirited 23 year old traveller, no more, no less.

It may turn out to be more.

Let's hope for your sake it does, but until then, please try to inject some realism here, else you could be building yourself up to fall from a great height.

 

I just have no clue where you get the idea from that we are not realistic about our relationship? One can feel strongly and be happy and on cloud nine, and yet be realistic and rational about the situation -- which we BOTH are. This is not a 'fling', it is a RELATIONSHIP. He is as free spirited as I am. To deduce him to the terms you used is quite inappropriate. You lay this out as if they were facts. As if you are more informed on the situation than both of us.

Everything you said just doesn't apply to our situation.

[kikik]

It depends on the guy in this situation. I have been in a similar situation where I was the one leaving the country after having been in a relationship for a month. My main motivation for dating him at the time was having a cheap place to stay in case I wanted to come back. Honestly, I wasn't too eager about him at that point but I am sure I came across as "in love".

 

I feel that you are quite defensive about him at this point. That is understandable due to those butterflies. You feel as if you have found your Prince Charming, soulmate, twin flame, whatever term you like to use for it.

 

However, if he hasn't made any concrete plans yet to return, I would write him off. I left my ex by saying "I will be back" but booking a flight wasn't my first job when I returned home. I didn't even want to book a flight at that point. In fact, he booked a flight to come see me a week later after skyping. It snowballed from there.

 

Long story short. If there is one advice I took away from that relationship, it's never put your eggs in one basket.

 

Nice anecdote, but he already has a plane ticket back to my city, he already is planning to have me visit halfway through. This is a mutual engagement, I am not putting someone on a pedestal who is 'not that much into me'.

 

And honestly, I have people give much less judgemental advice on here to people who have described their partner to be flawed in many ways, who have described the relationship as shaky or crumbling.. none of this applies to us. So I really have no idea why you'd compare the way YOU acted towards a guy at some point in your life to the way my boyfriend acts towards me now, when his intentions are clearly nowhere close to yours in your story...

[LittleTiger]

For what it's worth kikik, I have no idea what's going on in this thread. Yes you need to be cautious because you haven't known the guy very long but, if you think he's the one, go for it!

 

Are you investing too much emotionally? Maybe, but that's a risk you've chosen to take. I don't think anyone here can judge you for that. It is fair enough to recommend you tread carefully though - loving someone deeply can lead to heart break - but you already know that!

 

Three months is nothing and I don't think you have much to lose provided you're careful and don't get married in the next five minutes, or give him all your hard earned savings. Presumably you're not that daft!

 

It is hard being separated but three months will fly by. If you know when he's coming back, just cross the days off on your calendar and he'll be back in your arms in no time.

[jobee]

Hey guys! First off, thanks to you all for replying to this thread. I really appreciate you guys taking the time to reply to my girlfriend's inquiries about coping with a long distance relationship.

 

I happen to be the boyfriend in question here, and it kind of bothers me that the majority of your statements have demonstrated a quickness to judge about who I am and my intentions. She wasn't really doubting my intentions in the relationship, but simply asking for coping advice. Yet instead of offering advice on coping, it's been mainly a put down of our relationship because of a propensity to judge based on it's short lifespan.

 

Let's clear this up so that my lady can stop bickering with you guys about my intentions and hopefully this can turn into a more constructive thread on long distance relationship management.

 

I'm 23 years old and traveled to the Netherlands with the intention of enjoying the culture. It was my first time in Europe (I'm American) and like many other willful young people, always wanted to know what it's like. I didn't really have 100% plans to move there, but I've been considering it, and now that I've been there and experienced a taste, I've decided I want to spend more time there.

 

I wasn't intending on finding a girlfriend going there as some sort of "ticket" or even comfort object. In fact, I was dead set on NOT finding a girlfriend, but when I met her and we got to know each other, I realized I'd be foolish not to pursue her as a lover because we have so fricken much in common. Simply, our relationship was too good to pass up, despite the fact that I wasn't really wanting a relationship prior.

 

I had an OKCupid account for the past couple years, and honestly never really used it. When I was in Europe I was definitely interested in meeting European girls! Why wouldn't I want to? You think I'd go to another country as a single male and not want to meet girls? That's foolish to think so, and there's no reason to believe I'd have some sort of agenda other than meeting new girls to have intelligent conversations with, and perhaps even to have flings. Yes I was open to that, but after a few blah dates with girls I met on and offline, I happened to get in contact with Kiki, and we simply had an amazing time! I soon after lost interest in meeting new girls because they simply weren't as awesome as her, and the rest is history. Knowing that I was only in the country for a little while longer, we decided to have me move in to her place for the last month so that we could spend as much time as possible together before I left. It was a great decision, because it allowed us to create an even deeper bond that we otherwise wouldn't have been able to develop if I HADN'T done that. Now were extremely close, and feel a lot more comfortable and secure with each other than we would if we hadn't done it. In terms of creating something worthwhile, it was a good strategic move.

 

Now I just left, and Kiki being a very emotional girl, thought she'd reach out to this online community to get some kind of support. People to talk to about coping with the time apart. She wasn't looking for people to tell her to be "realistic" about her expectations. We will be meeting back up in a few months, and although we worked hard to build a more secure relationship prior to me leaving, it is still only 2 months old, so there is some sort of shakiness and instability that naturally remains. We're committed to working hard during the time apart to make it even more stable, as we both like each other very much and want to develop an even more stable relationship, but Kiki would still naturally reach out to others for support!

 

So please, stop coming to the conclusions that I'm some kind of shagger that's just using her. Kiki is not stupid, as you probably can tell from her responses. She's telling you she isn't doubting my intentions, but rather reaching out for support. Please understand that, and be a productive community.

 

Thanks for reading.

-Jobee (Kiki's BF)

Edited March 11, 2016 by jobee