help rich stop hurting

[Rich]

Devastation. My girlfriend of 18 months left me. We have had a story book relationship until about 2 months ago when she discovered she had a feeling inside her that wasn't right. But we made it through that and things were great again. In fact, things have been amazing with her being more affectionate and telling me how great she's been feeling. Then one night last week we went from singing and dancing around the room together as happy as ever to her leaving me about an hour later. She still doesn't feel right, she says, just the same as the first time she brought it up. I've fallen very deeply in love with her and for me things have been absolutely wonderful. What happened? Does she just need a break? How could such a wonderful relationship just fall apart like that? We were the couple that made people sick. Now I'm feeling sick. This woman is the love of my life, my world, and I would do or give anything for her. Does anybody have any encouraging words of hope other than "It will get better" or "Things will get easier"? Please help me.

 

R

[Art]

Why did she leave you? Did she say that she did not love you? Is she in love with someone else?

Devastation. My girlfriend of 18 months left me. We have had a story book relationship until about 2 months ago when she discovered she had a feeling inside her that wasn't right. But we made it through that and things were great again. In fact, things have been amazing with her being more affectionate and telling me how great she's been feeling. Then one night last week we went from singing and dancing around the room together as happy as ever to her leaving me about an hour later. She still doesn't feel right, she says, just the same as the first time she brought it up. I've fallen very deeply in love with her and for me things have been absolutely wonderful. What happened? Does she just need a break? How could such a wonderful relationship just fall apart like that? We were the couple that made people sick. Now I'm feeling sick. This woman is the love of my life, my world, and I would do or give anything for her. Does anybody have any encouraging words of hope other than "It will get better" or "Things will get easier"? Please help me. R

[sparkle]

Dear Rich,

 

Many times in "storybook relationships", people always tend to overlook the little problems and negative feelings creeping up in order to keep everything "perfect". I'm sure there were some warning signs along the way that were ignored.

 

Talk to her. Not only talk to her, but communicate with her. LISTEN to her. Ask her to explain exactly what doesn't 'feel right'. Ask her exactly what she wants right now. Does she want to break up with you? Does she feel smothered and need time to herself? I'm sure that if you went out for a year and a half, you two feel totally comfortable communicating your feelings and problems to each other.

 

Then when she tells you what's wrong, you can come here and give us more details. Those details will really help.

 

A few questions for you, Rich:

 

Did you two hang out ALL the time?

 

Were you two best friends with each other?

 

Did she spend enough time alone, away from you?

 

Did she spend enough time with her other friends?

 

Did you spend plenty of time hanging out with your guy friends?

 

Did you two have your share of arguments and disagreements?

 

How old are you two?

 

Are you her first boyfriend?

 

The answers to the above will help us out a great deal in giving you better advice.

 

"What happened?

 

"Does she just need a break?"

 

It could be a number of things.

 

Maybe she's young and maybe you're the first guy she's gone out with. Maybe she feels she's not ready to be tied down right now. She's growing and maturing. Maybe she wants to be out on her own and have fun right now.

 

Maybe you two weren't communicating with each other. Maybe there were things that bothered her that she kept inside, rather than telling you about. Even the tiniest things, held inside, can seem big after a while and make her 'not feel right'.

 

Maybe she just needs her space. Maybe she felt smothered in this relationship and needs time alone. After you talk to her and ask her why she feels this way, let her go. Don't beg her to stay. Don't make her elaborate once you get an answer. Just end the conversation. I know this is probably one of the most difficult things to do.

 

But do you love her?

 

Do you truly love her?

 

If you truly love her, you'll let her go. You won't try to hold onto her when she wants to leave. Let her free.

 

I know what you're going through is painful. Just give it time to sort out your thoughts and feelings. Give her time and space to realize what she wants.

 

Good luck, hang in there.

[Rich]

Here are some details/answers:

Did you two hang out ALL the time?

-Not all the time but often

Were you two best friends with each other? -absolutely Did she spend enough time alone, away from you?

-sometimes no, I think

Did she spend enough time with her other friends?

-this, I think, is part of the problem. We're college sweethearts. I graduated last year and she is in her last year. She is a very social person and the last of her core group of friends graduated last semester so no all she really has is me. I believe this to be part of the problem.

Did you spend plenty of time hanging out with your guy friends?

-enough for me

Did you two have your share of arguments and disagreements?

-we share feelings a lot but never argued. It seems that she was holding in this one 'feeling' that she unfortunately can't describe.

How old are you two?

-23 and 22

Are you her first boyfriend?

-no, her second long term

 

Another thought I had is that she has been an athlete for most of her life and now her last sport has ended and there doesn't appear to be anymore, at least not school related. I'm thinking that this and the fact that all of her friends are gone combine to make me look like I'm smothering her though I really feel that that can't be possible.

Do you truly love her?

-honestly, I really do believe that it is love that I am feeling. I cannont explain to you why but after a few long term relationships I really think that I have fallen love with her.

 

Hope the details help you help me. Thanks.

[Tony T]

These things happen and it does hurt a whole lot. But people have to go with their feelings. If the relationship didn't feel right to your lady, she was obligated to the both of you to exit.

 

This could come back together now that she has some time alone to sift through her feelings and get to the core. This is an important time.

 

But you never, ever want to be with anyone who has doubts or who doesn't feel right about things. I promise you, there are excellent mutual situations out there for you.

 

This thing got a second chance and her uncomfortable feelings returned. Show her the kind of great man you are by respecting her feelings. If she doesn't return, sure it will be painful but the split ultimately opens up the opportunity for you to be with someone where both of you will feel very right about everything.

 

Much better for her to have these feelings now than after you're married with children. Alimony and child support is pain that doesn't go away for a long, long time. And the pain in the wallet is on top of the pain in your heart in that case.