First time being in a long distance relationship(Ireland & South Korea)

[fairyx]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm a 21 year old girl and my boyfriend is 28 years old. We've been in a LDR since November, 2015. We've known each other since last May. We became good friends through a penpal site and began skyping every week, sometimes twice a week. We were awkward at first but these talks quickly turned from 30 minutes to 1-2 hours. We eventually met each other in person in August(He was studying English in my country since May - on the other side of the country to me) We met and everything was lovely.

A few days before our meeting he confessed to me and said if he was in my country for a long time, he'd make me his girlfriend.

I had a feeling he liked me but I was never quite sure until he told me directly.

I felt the same way.. I wanted to date him but I didn't think we ever could.

 

 

In September, he came to where I live and spent two days with my family and I. We acted like a couple but nothing was official.

 

In October, he had to go home but about four days before he had to leave, he came to the city where I'm going to college to see me. He stayed over at my student house and we talked about where this could go. He told me he loved me but we were unsure about how this would work as feelings could change as the distance grew. We decided we'd just be friends and see what the future held. He told me about one of his relationships which was an LDR and that ended badly..after hearing that I figured I'd have even less of a chance.

In November we were on skype like usual and he asked me to be his girlfriend. He told me that since going home his feelings have gotten much stronger and that he loves me more because he's missing me a lot.

 

 

A month after he went home he got a job. Since starting, he is working very long hours and he's exhausted..we talk once a day(through a text app) but sometimes we don't talk at all for a few days when he's busy - he goes to Japan for business. I'm trying to understand but I can't help but feel lonely when I hear nothing from him :/

 

We still talk at the weekends but I'm worried. I want to strengthen our relationship but I keep worrying about the future.

I mentioned it the past couple of times on skype and he doesn't understand why I keep bringing it up when we can't change the situation.. I can't help bringing it up, it's weighing on my mind a lot. I don't see how we can survive the distance(I'm the first year of my degree atm and I'm tied to Ireland until I'm finished which will be another 3 years) He told me that we just have to keep going.. He wants to return to Europe when his English improves and when he's saved up enough.

 

He told me that us dating was the last for him and that he'll date with me only. He told me that he endures it because he knows he'll meet me again and after this moment, we'll have a lot of time to be together. He's brought up marriage to me.

 

He told me that he'll wait for me and I trust him.

He won't cheat on me - we talked about this. He only wants me.

 

This is my first "real" relationship. He's dated two girls before long term.

I do love him, I love him a lot. I don't want us to break up.

 

I've saved my money since the summer and I have enough now to visit him in December 2016.

 

He likes it when I send him photos and tell him sweet things but I want to do more.

 

My questions are - how do we survive this distance?

In your opinion, what can I do to improve this situation/make us feel more connected?

Edited March 7, 2016 by fairyx

[Els]

I honestly don't know what to tell you. I was in a very similar situation when I was 20, met my then-boyfriend in college and he had to go overseas for the latter part of his degree, so we became long distance. Like you, we had 3 years to go to complete our degrees. We didn't make it, and split up 6 months into the long distance.

 

In hindsight, even if we had been more compatible, we wouldn't have made it, I think. 3 years of long distance as poor students is HARD. It might have been doable if we had had the money to see each other more often than once a year, but we didn't.

 

I'm not saying this to be cruel, but rather to impress upon you the realities of being in a VLDR as a young student. If it helps, with my current SO we were long distance for 2 years before we closed the distance (and are still together and quite happy), so distance in itself is doable. However at that point there was a reasonably close end date (I was due to graduate in 2 years) and he could afford to see me every 6 months.

 

IMO the most important factors for surviving the distance are regular communication, regular visits, and a concrete plan for an end date. Some couples do get by without the end date, but it is a lot more difficult for them.

 

Wishing you all the best. I truly hope you guys make it.

[justwhoiam]

how do we survive this distance?

He seems able to endure the distance. He's ready for some sacrifice to reach his goal.

Are you or will you be able to endure the distance? Only you know the answer.

 

That assessed, when does he think he'll have enough money to make the move back to Europe? You need to have at least a vague idea. One year? 6 months? 3 years?

 

Depending on the answer to the question above, you might change your mind about visiting him or reconsider that. If you're tight with money right now and you were able to save some during summer, keep the money and try to save some more whenever you can. It'd be your small treasure for when he comes back. Especially if you can only count on your own money (with no family supporting you).

 

In your opinion, what can I do to improve this situation/make us feel more connected?

Let him know that you need consistency in communication, though you are understanding regarding his job and the effort he can possibly make. It means that whenever he has some more time (than usual), he could set up something to make you feel more connected and he thinks of you. For instance, there are some websites where you can send e-cards and decide when they should be delivered (date and, sometimes, even time). So if he knows he's traveling and it'll be hard for him to get in touch with you in real time with time difference getting in the way too, he'd still be able to let you feel he's near you. And his e-card could make your day.

Then, you could exchange some snail mail letters/postcards. That would be easy for him. Like for instance when he's on the plane flying somewhere for work, it'd just take him a few minutes of his time, then as soon as he lands, he could send the letter/postcard, or do it from his hotel. And you'd have the occasional excitement :-)

Last thing would be exchanging packages. I'd wait for that in case the LD stretches out and you can't see him for a year or so.

For now I say, try to save money.

Edited March 13, 2016 by justwhoiam