No Commitment, On and Off...ugh...One Year...What Next..

[AlexAD]

I met the "Love of My Life," last December and have now known her for one year and three months. When we met she was fresh out of a not so great relationship but I gave it time and we dated. After all, she is in CA and I am in FL. We are women. Both successful, non stereotypical, lesbian AKA, diverse in background, friends, career, education, family, etc. Being gay has nothing to do with this, we might as well be two men in the same situation or a male and female. Doesn't matter just background for the story.

 

I am 31 she is 26. I usually do not date younger but in this case I made the exception because we met while she was in Florida working and I saw her professionalism, "maturity" and felt that she was different, and it didn't matter to me, as it shouldn't. As I got to know her better I came to discover she is a perfectionist and has many traits opposite of me when it comes to self love/loathing/acceptance/work style. I see no issue with this, but that is because her hating herself for not being "perfect" should not affect me, and for the most part it hadn't until it did.

 

I say this because things were going just fine. We were sexy, and sexual, had a sweet bond, and were getting to know one another, talked a lot but not too much, planned trips, had a nice thing going, and grew more and more close, until months had passed and I asked for a commitment. I had not been dating anyone else, and more so than not wanting her to date anyone, I think I just wanted to know for sure that she wanted me to only be hers. She had implied it from time to time, using words like, "mine," or almost referring to me as her girlfriend, so I was curious and questioned our status, without have a "the talk" moment, something I don't love either.

 

It did nothing good, and the response I was given was, "I told you when we met that I didn't want a girlfriend," something I started to hear over and over as months past, I didnt date anyone else, neither did she, and I questioned what the hell was going on??? I mean, here we are, two adults (seemingly), and this younger one has me on a leash and is telling me not to date others, and she isn't but she doesnt want me and I technically can date others.

 

So every once in a while, theres an explosion. We have a lovely Valentines Day, followed by a fight, lovely time together in March, fight, she comes here for friends wedding, stays 30 minutes away, doesn't interact with me till 4 days here, and spends the last two with me-doesn't introduce me to anyone (Well, I'm not her girlfriend so....); yet, is attached to my ass, calls me non stop when she leaves, cries, begs for me to come there. Birthday roles around (hers), she invites her best friend to come there and spend time with her, I am a second thought (she blames the friend for "booking" the ticket without her knowing). My birthday comes, she cant celebrate on the day, she doesnt come here, I go there and she gets drugs (I try hard not to do them), taunts me with the possibility of having them or not, then we fight, she drops me off at the airport and leaves me there for hours while I sob....picks me up eventually when I dont leave, have a ****ty rest of the trip until she feels sad that I am leaving. This brings us to October-December time, been about a year. We break up for real. I start to date someone else, she calls me obsessively and bothers me until I break, then I flip out and ask her not to, she eventually stops, my cat dies, I call her.

 

Now that gets thrown in my face all the time, "When your cat dies this time still dont call me," and not to mention before that I went to Europe with friends, and she swears I slept with them to go, I did nothing of the sort, and that is held over my head as well.

 

So with all that said.....sounds healthy right???????

 

So now I repeatedly ask to be left alone. She wont commit to me, I consistently show her that I have other girls asking me out, that I go, that I am interested in them, and worst of all, the ugliest-darkest-worst of me manifests itself in the anger that seethes through me, and I just allow her to invite me there, I say "Yes," and then she rescinds the offer. The latest went something like this:

 

"So are you coming or not" (after inviting and uninviting me this am)

"I would like to. I can come wednesday or thursday.

"I dont know:/. I have that event thursday"

(Basically passive aggressively backs out)

"Why would you invite me and then uninvite me AGAIN????"

(Silence)

"I just got my period all over my pants what do you want"

 

Disgusting, passive aggressive, rude, disrespectful, unkind, not sexy, not sexual.

 

I got upset Saturday because in 6 hours she couldnt respond to one message I sent her, not one, not a "hello" not a "im eating with friends message later" "kiss face" nothing, and when I got in touch with her she was essentially doing drugs with coworkers...and she says that its obscene for me to expect a response in 6 hours.

 

I've had it. And its been forever sine I can go NC. I am just so so angry. I lose it, I shoot off so bad at the mouth I flip. I just go INSANE.

 

I need help.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to stay away from this girl.

 

You're bringing out the worst in each other and it's toxic.

 

Delete, block, do what you have to to do. It's not going to end the way you want and you need to start detaching or you'll wind up more hurt.

[justwhoiam]

What Next..

Next you go no contact for real, for good.

 

I just go INSANE.

 

I need help.

You now recognize the problem. She regularly does drugs. She's unstable. Cut her off from your life.

 

By the way, what does she do for a living?

[AlexAD]

You need to stay away from this girl.

 

You're bringing out the worst in each other and it's toxic.

 

Delete, block, do what you have to to do. It's not going to end the way you want and you need to start detaching or you'll wind up more hurt.

 

 

 

Agree and feelings are fleeting and mine have been. Put it out there-

"It's clear we have changed."

"It's okay."

"You're just attached."

"You will be relieved."

 

Think that opened us up. I want someone who loves me like I love her.

I just am beat.

 

Thanks for your honesty you're dead on.