Just Discovered her Affair - She wants out

[FRK693]

Just writing this out to vent:

 

The marriage has been on the rocks for a while - last summer at least. Been married since '08. We have 3 kids. 4, 2 and 2 (twins). We did counseling but it didn't seem to help and she stopped going. Saturday after Thanksgiving we had a long talk (initiated by her), where she tells me that she's sorry she gave up on us - and that she's committed to making it work now. We decide to just try having fun together again.

 

Time passes and she continues to show little interest in doing things together. Then a week and a half ago, I was using her laptop only b/c I forgot mine at the office. You know how this story ends... I went to email a doc to myself, her email program opens up and the top email is from her boss. Something about wanting to hold her all night. I read the chain and it's brutal. A lot has already happened and they're making plans for a rendezvous at a convention. We were friends with this guy and he'c come over to the house with his wife and 2 kids.

 

I freaked out obsv. but decided to wait until I had time to think. Didn't actually confront her for about a week and a half and did so last Friday. She said it started right around Thanksgiving..... See para. 1 above. She said it's "over" but she's in love with him. Sounds like they just stopped so they wouldn't get caught and plan to pick up again.

 

I feel like an idiot since I said I still loved her and wanted to work things out. So weird that I can't bring myself to be madder at her. Maybe I'm still in shock. I told her I'm still willing to try, but it's him or me. She said that maybe this is why people get separated first, so they have time to think. I'm not optimistic and wondering if I should just end it.

 

Not expecting any answers. Just venting.

[Mr. Lucky]

I told her I'm still willing to try, but it's him or me. She said that maybe this is why people get separated first, so they have time to think.

 

I hope you don't fall for this one. The reason she wants a separation is so she can test drive this new relationship with you as the pit crew, ready to take her back if necessary. Unless you like being Plan B, I'd tell her if she moves out - or forces you to - then you're done.

 

Your best shot at saving your marriage would be to expose the affair to family and (especially) their job. You don't mention the size of the company they work for but in this litigious age most firms are terrified by inter-office affairs for obvious reasons. The light of day and the involvement of HR will bring this to a grinding halt. At that point, rather than living in fantasyland, the AP's will have some tough choices to make.

 

Were it me, I'd be printing out emails and contacting the Personnel Department...

 

Mr. Lucky

[FRK693]

That is indeed very tempting. They work at a public school. She's a teacher. He's the principal. That said, there's a big downside in that if she loses her job I'm probably on the hook for more child support/alimony, no? In my state, the adultery won't have much if any effect on alimony. Plus I don't think getting her fired will do much to keep her in the marriage.

[Marc878]

Unless you want to linger in limbo hell. Get divorce papers drawn up and send a letter to freinds, family of why you are divorcing. Coordinate the exposure same day as the papers are served. Just do it without warning and let her handle the fallout. This low class act needs consequences. My bet is she changes her tune quickly. Being Mr Nice Guy doormat here will get you nothing. The ones who get strong and take action at a time like this come out best. I know it's a shock but this is no time to be weak and pathetic.

 

Copy all the evidence in a safe place.

 

I would expose to the other mans wife. No one deserves this treatment.

 

Separartion is for her to spend more time with him by the way.

 

Cheaters lie, hide, deny. She's a classic cake eater.

Edited March 8, 2016 by Marc878

[Marc878]

If you to want to try and save the marriage go full exposure to All, work, family, friends.

 

Would you rather protect her job or save the marriage? Most will use any excuse to not do anything and pay for it. Which is where you are it sounds like.

 

It's your life, future, family they are taking away. Do you understand????

 

You need to read up

 

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrBT9Kqbd5WiOAAFhzBGOd_;_ylu=X3oDMTByOHZyb21tBGNvbG8DYmYxBHBvcwMxBHZ0aWQDBHNlYwNzcg--/RV=2/RE=1457446442/RO=10/RU=https%3a%2f%2f7chan.org%2flit%2fsrc%2fRobert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=0Yc7H02V5EEwGrkgSqh02wU6Ng4-

[Ladyjane14]

Listen to the guys posting above. Oddly enough, you have to be entirely WILLING to end a marriage in order to have any chance of saving it. There's no wiggle room for her to explore her options. It's either the marriage and the family or the door, and right now, not tomorrow. If she can't make that decision, make it for her by filing for divorce immediately.

 

Adultery creates a devastating relational wound. Adultery post-discovery will infect that wound... usually past the point of recovery.

[Satu]

She wants to go, so let her go.

 

She has no genuine desire for reconciliation.

 

Talk to a good lawyer, and begin divorce proceedings asap.

 

 

Take care.

[FRK693]

You are right. Thanks. That said, gathering more evidence won't really help. I saved enough already to establish the affair. But in my state, the affair won't make any difference in child support/custody or alimony. Won't really serve any purpose. If I wanted to prove it to anyone I have what I need.

 

As far as separation, her version of it is staying in the same house for a while and just not filing right away. While that's good in one way since I'd get to see my kids every day, I'm not sure how long I can do it. Anyway, in this case I don't think separation is a way of maintaining the affair - I think it's b/c she needs financial support while she's looking for a higher paying job. Either way she's being incredibly selfish.

 

Honestly the only reason I'm hesitating on serving papers now is b/c it will be hard on the kids to uproot them. We have a great nanny they are very attached to and we probably can't afford her when we divorce. Just a lot to consider. If it were just me, it would be a lot easier to walk away. I think I realize I need to do it though.

[FRK693]

I don't understand how exposing her to everyone will save the marriage. It would sort of be impossible for her to hang out with my friends again. I've told a couple of course and my brothers so I have some support. Plus it's a little embarrassing to tell a ton of people that your wife is banging her boss. But you know what -- maybe I should stop worrying about saving it. Actually I know I should stop.

 

Thx to all for your advice. Sometimes it takes hearing it from random strangers on the Internet to make you see the truth.

[DivorcedDad123]

But in my state, the affair won't make any difference in child support/custody or alimony. Won't really serve any purpose. If I wanted to prove it to anyone I have what I need.

 

 

It may not make a difference in court,but it's a heck of a bargaining chip to use for custody time, finances,alimony, and the marital home. Don't throw this gift horse to the side. You've got a school principal committing adultery with a faculty member. Don't think he won't try and persuade her to keep quiet,and that works in your favor.

 

 

I disagree with outing them to everyone btw. When you do that,you lose that bargaining tool. Keep every piece of evidence you have. Let his wife know,but only her. When he starts feeling a little heat at home, he'll be telling your soon to be ex to do whatever it takes to keep it quiet.

Edited March 8, 2016 by DivorcedDad123

[Marc878]

I don't understand how exposing her to everyone will save the marriage. It would sort of be impossible for her to hang out with my friends again. I've told a couple of course and my brothers so I have some support. Plus it's a little embarrassing to tell a ton of people that your wife is banging her boss. But you know what -- maybe I should stop worrying about saving it. Actually I know I should stop.

 

Thx to all for your advice. Sometimes it takes hearing it from random strangers on the Internet to make you see the truth.

 

IN most cases exposure will end the affair. Doesn't mean you can save the marriage but no chance with the affair continuing. Most don't because of fear.

 

why???? Will she be PO'd???? Yes but that dissipates quickly.

 

Another man is moving into your marital bed and will help raise your kids. It's you life, family and future they are taking rom you here. I'd go straight at them all out. Cheaters can only thrive in secret and the dark.

 

The affair is on her. How you handle this is on you. Get mad quick!!!!

 

You have much to lose.

[Marc878]

Honestly the only reason I'm hesitating on serving papers now is b/c it will be hard on the kids to uproot them. We have a great nanny they are very attached to and we probably can't afford her when we divorce. Just a lot to consider. If it were just me, it would be a lot easier to walk away. I think I realize I need to do it though.

 

There is no good time. Besides you can always stop the divorce if things change. Once an affair is brought out light expect it.

 

This all ends for the kids just a question of time. Giving her more time to cake eat.

 

You have fear in you and are looking for an excuse to do nothing hoping it will go away. It won't.

 

Best of luck to you

[Marc878]

Whatever you do don't forewarn her. She has brought this devastation onto the family. Get your plan together and just do it.

 

You may not get what you ideally want but strength here will make this much easier than letting her bide her time and just degrade and disrespect you and the family.

 

She's divorcing your kids current life as well.

 

Financially you will both lose and have a lower standard of living here.

 

No matter what tell the other mans wife. No warning.

[Marc878]

Listen to the guys posting above. Oddly enough, you have to be entirely WILLING to end a marriage in order to have any chance of saving it. There's no wiggle room for her to explore her options. It's either the marriage and the family or the door, and right now, not tomorrow. If she can't make that decision, make it for her by filing for divorce immediately.

 

Adultery creates a devastating relational wound. Adultery post-discovery will infect that wound... usually past the point of recovery.

 

100 % correct. Do not let fear paralyze you at this time.

 

This is not about you. The affair no matter what is all on her.

 

She's following the cheaters script. They all do the same thing.

[aliveagain]

That is indeed very tempting. They work at a public school. She's a teacher. He's the principal. That said, there's a big downside in that if she loses her job I'm probably on the hook for more child support/alimony, no? In my state, the adultery won't have much if any effect on alimony. Plus I don't think getting her fired will do much to keep her in the marriage.

 

A married principle with children has a lot to loose. Expose the affair to his wife and in micro seconds your cheating wife will be lying under the bus. Friend, you have nothing to loose that you haven't already lost, she's not giving you any choices in this and if you really think she is going to play nice when she divorces you, your in for a rude awakening. She is going to take everything she can from you to build her new nest with other man(assuming he actually leaves his wife).

 

Your first decision is to decide if her job is more important then your marriage, jobs can be replaced, seeing your children everyday can't. The main reason cheating spouses want to separate is to try out their new partner before they completely cut you out. They get to test drive the new guy while your waiting as her back up, you might even babysit and she doesn't suffer any guilt because your legally separated. The new guy will probably stay married and just sneak away on weekends to have porn star sex with your wife in your house. She expects you to agree to her terms because she already knows your a nice guy, a great father and will do everything you can to save the marriage. Other m an is coaching her, it's them against you. Don't play by her rules, take back the control she gave to the POS by cutting him out of the picture, TELL HIS WIFE. He will be so busy trying to salvage his marriage, his fortune and his own family he won't have time for your cheating wife. He has too much to loose in a divorce, it will cost him everything, principles make a lot more money then teachers and schoolboards don't like principles that fu*k married teachers.

 

If you want a real shot at ending this affair and getting your wife out of the affair fog, expose him, talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights and the rights of your children, protect your finances, don't finance her affair and do not leave the house. Read up on the 180 and make the 180 your new mantra. Cheaters all follow the same predictable manners, we have all been through what you are now going through now. Save yourself a lot of pain and expose them. What's the worst that can happen, she leaves you for O/M? Friend, she is already doing that, standing up for yourself, your children and your marriage at least leaves you your dignity. Doing nothing is absolutely the worst thing you can do.

[Marc878]

This is about the best advice I've seen summed up.

 

You would be wise to proceed immediately.

 

Laying back is a Mr Nice Guy thing and make no mistake Nice Guys finish dead last in these scenarios.

 

You should be mad as hell at two people who are about to destroy your world.

 

Make no mistake that is their intent. Get a good plan together and attack.

 

No warning. Did you get one??????

 

I guarantee you will be in a much better place than you are now no matter what happens.

[jesslindy]

There is nothing I can say that hasnt been said.

Expose this to his wife.

File for divorce. It does nothing but create the reality right now.

Do not finance anything for her.

Tell her how you feel once, clearly, and if you want to save the marraige read up on the Homer method and implement it, all of it.

Do not leave your house. Make her do it.

Do this all today.

[FRK693]

Homer method???

[aliveagain]

FRK693 after I went back and read your posts again it appears to me that you are more focused on not wanting to rock the boat because of what this could cost you if your wife looses her job and you divorce. Your first focus should be on how you get yourself out of infidelity as quickly as possible with the least amount of damage to yourself and your young children. Telling the other betrayed spouse about her husbands affair with your wife is a proven way to do just that. Even if she looses her job she will eventually have to find another one. She and her affair partner both knew the risks before they started their affair(it must be in a code of conduct somewhere in their job description). That knowledge didn't stop her from having an affair with the married principal of her school. If you want to be able to tell your children on day that you did everything you could to save the relationship, tell the other betrayed spouse.

 

Keeping the secret from the other betrayed spouse makes you an accomplice to their infidelity. This is not about revenge. She deserves to know the truth about the man she is married to. What if she knew and never told you, how much respect would you have for her. Are you sure you really want the marriage or have you given up on it yourself, just an honest question?

[DivorcedDad123]

Neither will lose their job. At worst, one will have to transfer to another school. They've broken no law. My gf and ex work at schools. Its pretty amazing what gets swept under the rug there. So, dont let the fear of her losing her job sway you.

[Popsicle]

That is indeed very tempting. They work at a public school. She's a teacher. He's the principal. That said, there's a big downside in that if she loses her job I'm probably on the hook for more child support/alimony, no? In my state, the adultery won't have much if any effect on alimony. Plus I don't think getting her fired will do much to keep her in the marriage.

 

Don't expose her and him at their job. Just leave her and divorce her!

 

(What a novel idea)

[Decimated]

The first thing you must do is realize that your marriage is over and you can't save it. However, You can save yourself and walk away with some dignity.

 

Second, file for divorce.

Third, expose the affair to OM's wife.

Forth, expose her to family and friends.

 

If you really have any balls left, pack her stuff and drop it off on her OM's door step.

 

Finally. Being worried about having to pay out more in Alimony if she is fired may be a real issue. Remember, marriage is about love, divorce is about money. After the settlement agreement has been signed, I would then expose them to the school board and to anyone else who will listen. With any luck, they will both reap some consequences. At the very least, you can make any transition towards a life together a bumpy road.

Edited March 9, 2016 by Decimated

[aliveagain]

FRK, exposure may not save your marriage but it will go a long way towards ending the affair because affairs thrive in secrecy. You as a betrayed spouse are at a great disadvantage to her O/M. The O/M shares a lot of time with your wife. They also share a lot of the same experiences daily and with the same acquaintances at their place of work. You are not there to share in these memories she is creating, he is. This is just my opinion but telling the other betrayed spouse works more times then not in ending an affair.

[Mirage10]

I'm with most others here. Expose the affair asap to family, their work and especially his wife. As someone else here said, he is coaching her in what to do, they are a team against you. You have to break that team up. Also agreed, what has been said here, she is liking the idea of seperation, in order to test drive the new relationship and also for you to play baby sitter whilst they have their trysts.

Why would you not expose them at work as well? Apart from the strategic point of view to end the affair, would you want someone teaching and in control of your kids that have the morals they have?

Also, why should he get off scott-free (so far), while there's a very real chance your future is a crappy one bedroom apartment, paying alimony, etc. and seeing the kids every other weekend, while he moves into your marital home that you helped build up over the years?

[Babs22]

OP,

I wouldn't blame you for filing for divorce. A lot of people have given you a lot of advice. Before you do any of these things, I highly suggest you seek legal counsel. You cannot just tell her to move out of the house and you cannot just pack up her things and drop them off somewhere. If you do these things you could find yourself in some legal trouble. Legally, she does not have to leave the house and neither do you. Also, be careful what you do with money. I suppose you could start your own account now and have your pay check put in there, but she obviously has a job and if you touch her assets you are again looking at legal trouble.

 

My friend is currently getting divorced. They tried to go through mediation which is faster and cheaper than filing. He would not agree to anything and would not sit at the table to discuss things. This started in September. Finally, her H was given a deadline of February 1st to respond. He chose not to, so my friend filed for divorce. He has been doing screwy things with money and she has a record of all of it. He made the mistake of opening a new account and taking his money out of the joint account that bills were paid from. He also stopped paying some bills even though he has plenty of money. He makes much more than her and only her paycheck has gone into the joint account. He was trying to be a hard ass with her, it has backfired. He has been filed two charges for contempt. The ruling came back and the judge ordered that his check must go into the joint account and bills should be paid. He will now have to change his direct deposit back to the original account, but it won't happen before the next court date. He could be in some big trouble.

 

Anyways, please seek legal counsel before doing anything drastic. My friend has listened to all legal advice and so has not done anything that she could get in trouble for. Her soon to be Ex, must not be getting very good legal advice. Oh, and by the way, both my friend and her soon to be exH are still living in the marital home. Neither can make the other move out and by moving out you lose leverage on who might get the home. They each occupy separate bedrooms, and it has not been easy. My friend cannot move out of the house until the judge makes a ruling on the property. She does not want the house, but by staying she ensures she gets her 50%.