TJ1 Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 I will make my story quick. Basically happily married for 20 years. Been together since we were 19 / 20 yrs old. Started out with nothing ( no help ) and I made a nice life for us. We have a 15 year old son. Ok, so looking back i can honestly say i made many mistakes and put work above family on many occasions. I did my best as i come from a dysfunctional home and never had any mentors. I truly I'm crazy about my wife and never told her enough or showed her that she was the world to me.. She is a good woman. No ones perfect but i wanted her to enjoy life and i never let her work, and she always had the best of things. She has expensive taste! About 3 years ago i can now say i went through some difficult times mentally and work was really hard. I felt that i couldn't really depend on my wife for support ( i pushed her away i assume? ) I take the blame myself but for whatever reasons.. ( Mid life crises, feeling alone, depressed, etc etc. ) I was unfaithful to her. The person was more of an escape looking back and i wasn't even attracted to her. Not my type but i enjoyed the talks and like i said, i was weak, and angry, confused, etc etc.. All my fault.. Had sex 2x ( i don't even know why really ) but i was just going through a lot at that time.. Wife found out ( I have never cheated before or even cared about it ) I guess I'm attractive cause i always had many chances but was so crazy about my wife i just didnt care.. I didn't even cover my tracks well and was almost begging to be caught.. Anyhow, She tried to forgive me, work things out but i was just so angry, upset, felt that she wasn't there for me when I've needed her, on and on. All legit reasons to me.. I did some soul searching, saw a marriage counselor, confronted deeper issues ( i was abandoned by my mother as a child ) I found and forgave my mom, etc etc I really went back and apologized for all the things I've done that weren't nice, stupid fights and i said things i didn't mean.. My wife is basically done now. Says she has nothing left, i waited too long to work things out. I have tried with all my heart to make things right but nothing seems to matter now. She wants a divorce but hasn't filed anything or gone to a lawyer yet.. Thats what she says. Im not a bad person and i went through some type of crisis / breakdown looking back but thats def not me. Maybe some members here went through something similar and have advice? I love my wife, my son, but she is just unwilling to meet me even a 1/4 of the way to fix things. I tried the 180 advice, but i don't know if that even applies to me or my situation? need help... Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 There is no perfect marriage but this affair is 100% on you. This is what you've done to her world and your son as well. Read it http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know At least you can understand what you done 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 You two need to go to marriage counseling together and for the sake of your son, give your marriage a real shot at working again. And, you two owe it each other since the love is there. You two have a long history and it would be a shame to throw it all away without really trying. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 TJ1, First you need to come to terms with what YOU did. You did this, not your wife, no more blame shifting. You need to tell her that, and then you need to live up to the second chance she has given you. Be honest with yourself, have you really done what is needed. Read the top post, there are other on the internet. Are YOU doing what is needed. Completely transparent. Remorseful, do not know, then go to church, read, but get your head around showing you know you messed up and big time. Try and show her you understand the pain and hurt you caused. Ask her if she has all her answers she needs about your affair. Tell her, you are willing to revisit anytime she feels she needs to bring it up. Talk to her when she wants too. Let her decide what she needs. Lastly, Date her. Make it a priority. Show her that you are willing, want to reconnect and her and her alone as the focus of your life. Be open for conversation on everything and anything. Be willing to look at yourself and change. New job, now house, whatever. It all has to be about her. Think about when you were courting her. This is going to take time. There is no magic way to do this. You must live each day this way for the rest of your life. If you cannot do this, let her go, and do the best to make the last thing in your marriage a non-hassal thing. Maybe that will show you have changed. I wish you luck...... Link to post Share on other sites
AMarriedMan Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 She is a good woman. No ones perfect but i wanted her to enjoy life and i never let her work, and she always had the best of things. She has expensive taste! need help... I have no experience at all in anything involving infidelity. But I will say one thing about what OP says above. If a man wants to avoid post-divorce financial rape, it is a really bad idea for him to not let his wife work. If the financial burden of providing a living for a family is on one spouse alone (nearly always the husband in such cases), the breadwinning spouse is likely to have to work really hard (like OP) to make ends meet, while the stay-at-home spouse will likely to feel bored and frustrated out of her skull. In our age, doing the domestic chores is very light and easy work in a family with only one to three kids without special needs. It may be different if you have a big family or if some of your kids have special needs. Under the usual circumstances, a husband commits a grave error thinking that being the only breadwinner of the family would grant him any kind of status as an indispensable pillar of the family. On the contrary, the divorce rate being almost 50%, the chance that he will be kicked out of the family and that he will be forced to survive on mac and cheese in some crappy studio paying alimony and child support through his nose, is impossible to ignore. (Sure, in OPs case, he is the one to blame for his adultery. I'm not defending OP.) Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 Go ahead and file and suggest mediation. The realities will become apparent soon enough. If you have a good IC, continue. Life goes on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TJ1 Posted March 8, 2016 Author Share Posted March 8, 2016 TJ1, First you need to come to terms with what YOU did. You did this, not your wife, no more blame shifting. You need to tell her that, and then you need to live up to the second chance she has given you. Be honest with yourself, have you really done what is needed. Read the top post, there are other on the internet. Are YOU doing what is needed. Completely transparent. Remorseful, do not know, then go to church, read, but get your head around showing you know you messed up and big time. Try and show her you understand the pain and hurt you caused. Ask her if she has all her answers she needs about your affair. Tell her, you are willing to revisit anytime she feels she needs to bring it up. Talk to her when she wants too. Let her decide what she needs. Lastly, Date her. Make it a priority. Show her that you are willing, want to reconnect and her and her alone as the focus of your life. Be open for conversation on everything and anything. Be willing to look at yourself and change. New job, now house, whatever. It all has to be about her. Think about when you were courting her. This is going to take time. There is no magic way to do this. You must live each day this way for the rest of your life. If you cannot do this, let her go, and do the best to make the last thing in your marriage a non-hassal thing. Maybe that will show you have changed. I wish you luck...... Ive taken full responsibility. She knows all the facts. I didn't hide anything. I wish i could do the other things you mention.. My wife says she is just done and its too painful to think about everyday and I waited to long to work things out? Iam willing and i truly want to fix our lives but i can't if she don't feel the same anymore. I don't know if she really feels that way or its just the hurt and anger that propels her to say things like " i don't feel the same" " the love we had is gone" etc etc.. She has always been up front and honest so i believe her. Im faced just with the choice of moving out, and just going forward on my own. She says she wants a divorce but never did anything as of yet towards that end. Its been 2 1/2 years since all this happened. Maybe about a year since the divorce talk really sounds like thats what she wants. I just tell her to think about it cause its a huge deal. It breaks my heart and I've told her a million times I'm truly sorry for everything and i want to do whatever it takes to make her right again. She always is just negative and really doesn't want to her that now. My only real hope is that she hasn't taken any steps in the divorce direction yet. We sleep in the same bed together every night but haven't been intimate in a few months. Its all surreal to me and it kills me that i caused it. Im in pain knowing I've hurt her and my son. Destroyed the stability we had. Another poster mentioned it wasn't a good idea for her not to work. Looking back i agree but we were kids ( i was 22yrs old ) and i just wanted to give her a good life. I never thought about the long term as far as her not working and the results of that. I did it out of the love i had / have for her. Nothing else. Its tough the whole 50/50 split but I honestly don't mind it too much cause she never did wrong to me.. She was far from perfect but looking back, nothing i couldn't have fixed.. I just don't know what do really do right now. We have talked the last couple days and she speaks in definite terms of me moving out, eventual divorce. Im hesitant to do that cause i feel it would be downhill from there but its not getting better this way either. We don't fight really but the talks are hurtful and i feel weak trying to convince her to work things out. The more i seem to do that, the harder her stance gets? I guess its the classic response? I tried the 180 advice, just doing my thing but nothing wrong. Just not bringing up the situation and just concentrating on my son and work. She spends her time running around with friends, gym, etc. I try to not be around when she is but thats tough. In a way, i feel like maybe i should move out cause it might be easier for me not to see her when I'm feeling like this? Not sure what to do. I went to a marriage counselor, so did she.. It just goes over the obvious and i got nothing out of it. They offer no real solutions, just allow you to talk etc. IDK? She says ( besides her mom ) she hasn't told anyone what we are going through? I haven't either, except to one friend who is an older fella who's divorced. He said we should try to work it out but she don't want to.. I can't work with someone who has no interest or can see a possible light at the end? How do you fix things by yourself? Divorce is failure to me and i sometimes wish i didn't love her as much as i do. I could just walk away as friends but the sun still shines for me cause of her. It kills me to even think of all this but i have no choice at this point. I just don't know if anyone has gone through something similar and what was the results? I know she is very hurt and angry and maybe she just needs to get rid of the source of her pain ( me) IDK? But its a horrible feeling to hear her say she don't feel the same anymore or that we are done and lets be friends. I appreciate any advice, input. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 Divorce is failure to me A dose of tough love would tell you that's an ironic statement considering the events that have brought you to this point. Ive taken full responsibility. Your post indicates otherwise, it's full of reasons, rationalizations and excuses. You had the affair, you got caught (instead of confessing) and then continued to stonewall even after D-Day. Strikes one, two and three. You simply can't unring the bell. Work with her on the separation and focus on being the best co-parent you can. Who knows what the future might hold, she might actually have some faith in your changes. Nothing good will come of you continuing to pressure her... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author TJ1 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Share Posted March 9, 2016 A dose of tough love would tell you that's an ironic statement considering the events that have brought you to this point. Your post indicates otherwise, it's full of reasons, rationalizations and excuses. You had the affair, you got caught (instead of confessing) and then continued to stonewall even after D-Day. Strikes one, two and three. You simply can't unring the bell. Work with her on the separation and focus on being the best co-parent you can. Who knows what the future might hold, she might actually have some faith in your changes. Nothing good will come of you continuing to pressure her... Mr. Lucky I appreciate the post Mr Lucky. Please tell me how i haven't taken responsibility? Cause if thats the case, i want understand how i can and how i haven't already? Not being nasty, just feel I've done that many times over since this all happened. My " Divorce is failure statement" to means, cause of my bad choices and actions "I have failed " said this many times as well to my wife. I have been completely open and honest with her about everything. The issue is ( to me) that i caused to much damage and its too far gone. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 The damage has been done. Your marriage is over. This is what happens when you dont confess. IMHO, you need to end this marriage and try to start another one. Perhaps you should sit her down and ask for a true second chance after you divorce. This gives her the power to forgive and move forward at her pace. Right now, she appears stuck. Be willing to lose it all for a chance to have a true day 1. Give her her freedom and the ability to make a choice. Then work like hell to be that choice. You may have to tolerate her dating others, but thats the price you have to pay. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Can you do this?. Are you truly worthy of a new marriage. DO NOTuse divorce as a weapon or a threat. Turn it around and use it as a opportunity. If you really do love her, prove it. Go thru the dirt. Grind it out. Set her free and then go get her back. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 Please tell me how i haven't taken responsibility? Cause if thats the case, i want understand how i can and how i haven't already? Not being nasty, just feel I've done that many times over since this all happened. From a quick scan of your original post: I did my best as i come from a dysfunctional home and never had any mentors... She has expensive taste!... About 3 years ago i can now say i went through some difficult times mentally and work was really hard... I felt that i couldn't really depend on my wife for support ( i pushed her away i assume? )... I take the blame myself but for whatever reasons..( Mid life crises, feeling alone, depressed, etc etc. ) I was unfaithful to her... The person was more of an escape looking back and i wasn't even attracted to her. Not my type but i enjoyed the talks and like i said, i was weak, and angry, confused, etc etc... ( i don't even know why really ) but i was just going through a lot at that time... I guess I'm attractive cause i always had many chances but was so crazy about my wife i just didnt care... I didn't even cover my tracks well and was almost begging to be caught.. i was just so angry, upset, felt that she wasn't there for me when I've needed her, on and on. All legit reasons to me.. All legitimate descriptions of the challenges you, like all of us, have faced in your life. None of them are relevant to your decision to cheat. You weren't unfaithful because you were angry, frustrated, tempted, confused, weak or lonely - if I was your spouse, that thought would scare the sh*t out of me! What happens when you feel that way again? Think about it... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 You say you've taken responsibility .... but your post has excuses ... like your wife not supporting you and not understanding etc. You were angry and upset that she wasn't there. Now 'not allowing' her to work....feels controlling to me.... because she's got no up to date skills and will have difficulty finding a decent job without retraining. Sometimes it's just too late to undo the damage... not everyone can get over the beast of infidelity..... especially when it doesn't seem like you did what was needed afterwards. Your coping mechanisms would be a worry for me.... what will happen when you have a hard time again. You blew your family up over someone who didn't even mean a thing..... that for your wife shows how little your marriage meant to you... to risk it all over a woman that meant nothing. Rather than living in limbo....discuss seperation and you moving out and then filing for D. Then you can both start getting on with your lives. Link to post Share on other sites
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