Not sure

[okietiger]

My wife and I have been married almost 7 years and I have been thinking about filing for a divorce. I lost my job last August due to my health, I had 2 heart attacks the previous year. I have been looking for new job but have had no luck yet. My wife keeps throwing that she is only one paying the bills.

Today she came home mad at the world saying she is about to quit her job because she says her boss doesnt like her. This is the 5th place that she has worked since we have been together. She has been fired from 3 of these jobs. I dont want to give up but I dont want to have to worry about her employment and how we are going to pay our bills. I dont know what to do? Any advice will be appreciated.

[Brady375]

?? You don't have a job yourself and your worried about your wife Losing hers and if you will be able to pay the bills? No matter the reasons you appear to be just as much of apart of the problem. She has had several jobs compared to your fewer and more stable jobs but now your unemployed. It seems like in the job/finance department you both have your flaws. if your wife wasn't with you because you divorced would this solve your problem of having to worry about the bills or solve your issues w money? Nope, it would most likely make them Worse.

[Satu]

If you're not working, you have to invest in the marriage in other significant and valuable ways.

 

Part of that would probably involve you listening to her complain about her work situation.

[Mr. Lucky]

if your wife wasn't with you because you divorced would this solve your problem of having to worry about the bills or solve your issues w money? Nope, it would most likely make them Worse.

 

Boy, have to agree. Unless you have some secret plan to finance your way forward you're keeping from her - and us - not sure how divorce solves your financial problems.

 

Maybe you can provide more information...

 

Mr. Lucky

[okietiger]

Here is what has me worried. My wife does not understand that the paycheck needs to go to necessary things like utilities and so on she is always buying things that right now we cant afford. I hate my situation with employment and I am limited on what I can or cant do. I know I am not making much sense.

[Brady375]

Ok. Well no one can tell you for certain based off of a couple paragraphs if you should stay together or not. That's not even logical.

Based purely off of what you are saying you are having run of the mill marriage problems. Nothing to divorce over. It seems like you are having an issue communicating w her and getting your Finacial situation under control as a team. Get into some counseling. She works. It's not like she refuses to work she just hates the jobs she gets. For other reasons you have also had issues keeping employment though ur reasons may be easier to rationalize you both have job issues.

If you were breaking your ass trying to advance yourself and your life together working hard and she was dragging along behind you refusing to get her stuff together id say you would have more of an issue. You cant spend your life waiting for someone to catch up to you or chasing after somone from behind trying to keep up. This can happen for short periods of time but most of the time you and the wife should be walking hand in hand through life. It seems at the moment you both are in a Bad spot together hand in hand but are just having issues. Tackle them.

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife does not understand that the paycheck needs to go to necessary things like utilities and so on she is always buying things that right now we cant afford.

 

Understood. But still doesn't answer the question if, absent her income and support, you'd be better off ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

When a marriage goes through a very stressful time (your health & employment are MAJOR life changing stressors) there are basically a couple of ways to mentally & emotionally process it.

 

Financial issues are a major cause for divorce.

 

From the little you've said here you're choosing the most destructive path...finding ways to push the blame onto your partner! Do you usually react with anger & resentment to avoid guilt & painful frustrations?

 

Your current situation must be very hard to live through but I don't see how your wife is divorce worthy guilty. Really? You guys need to pull together. In the grand scheme of marriage this is a bump in the road!

 

This isn't your wife's fault AND it's not your fault. It's life. It sucks! I know my H experienced a lot of pain & rejection when he lost his job. He coped by having an affair to build his selfesteem & blaming me & my health for everything. He feels a million times worse now than he did before!!

[RRM321]

First and foremost you have an employment and budgetary problem.

 

Obviously, after two heart attacks you have some physical limitations. If you are certain you are not also making them psychologically bigger than they really are then get to work on finding a job that you can manage. You may have to think well outside the box and even get some new training.

 

Next is the matter of your wife. You can either have a productive discussion with her about finances or you can't. By this point in your marriage I think you already know how she handles finances, and she's either responsible and reliable or she's not.

 

If she's not, and you've been OK with these traits all these years while you were working you have a real dilemma because, now you are in the position of depending on her. Divorce will not solve this - she would still be unreliable and you chasing her with court orders isn't really a solution.

 

The piper has come for his pay. This may well be on you if you cannot reach your wife on the issue of budgeting. Hopefully, her anger is a response to the stress she may be feeling now that she's the breadwinner. If this is the case you could take put aside your own anger and try to connect with her on a more compassionate level.

[loveboid]

I was with a spendthrift for awhile. I hounded until we paid off our debts. It took years. And in the meantime we still were hemorrhaging and didn't save. For all of that effort I got to say that I was at ZERO--no debt and no savings--and my health suffered. So it turned out to be a huge waste of time and a net negative. Time and health are more important than money.

 

Have you ever considered that your low quality relationship with your wife is contributing to your health problems?

 

You could get a job, put all of your savings into your own account, pay your bills that you would have anyway if you were living alone. It would be as if you were single. If she keeps putting you in financial danger then I would divorce her.

[okietiger]

Thanks for all the advice and it all makes sense. I believe I am just frustrated with our situation. Sometimes I need a little kick in the butt to get me to really think about things. I know my wife knows I am trying in fact I have a job interview Tuesday which I am hoping and praying I will get a offer.

[okietiger]

Update on what is going on. A week ago my wife was released from her job and things have changed for me, I had another heart attack which I am now trying to heal from. I cant work right now and the stress is getting worse, I have no clue how we are going to survive. I am really thinking about filing for divorce now then I was before. I just dont know what to do.

[testmeasure]

Heart attacks are not a casual thing.

 

... blah blah blah ... then heart attack.

 

I'd change anything that might have caused that...

[CarrieT]

OP, I'm unsure if the stress in your life that is causing heartaches is directly related to your marriage and why you believe a divorce will fix things...