ladydesigner Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 I'm so sorry... It's hard for me to hear from the BS because I have so much guilt in that respect. I'm not that evil OW that most associate with a A. I admit I'm selfish and I was looking out for my need, but I just wanted to feel happy and desired again (although I feel far from that now so my plan obviously failed). I'm sorry your marriage is coming to an end and your husband failed you, but unfortunately relationships end. It happens to everyone. You deserve happiness. I wish you very best and that you find true love again. (Hug) Thank you! I don't even think OW are evil. I am a fMOW by the way (I had a revenge A) I think we are different sides of the same coin and both seem to be abused by the WS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 It is hard... It's also habit. I've been trying to break those habits of checking and I moved icons around on my phone, deleted the instant messaging app we used- all trying to rewire my brain. But I'm with you, he was non-stop until DD. Even after DD he kept in touch to give me updates but then things started changing, communication started getting more sporadic and while he still saw me, sometimes I wouldnt know until 10 min before when he was getting off my exit. It was frustrating. I hated it and grew resentful and angry. I had hoped it was temporary but as weeks passed I realized my new reality. He has also left a mark on my soul. It hurts to have that kind of emotional bond with someone only to have it end so suddenly (even if I ended it). I miss him, his smile and sense of humor, I miss how he would wrap himself up with me and tell me about his day- I miss my pet names and my xxx when he said goodbye. Ahhhhh- I need to stop. NC, NC, NC!!! I hear you. We had a lot of things between us also... Pet names, private jokes... It's sad really when you think about it. I often question if any of it was real!! Like if it was true true love we would be together right now. For me he showed me he is a coward. He gave me many excuses why he couldn't move on or even have an open marraige. I'm still confused to this day...which leads me to believe that in general...WOMEN ARE STRONGER!! I am separated because of my confusion and even though my marraige is on the rocks it still wasnt fair to him that I still was confused. I needed to fix myself before I can fix my marraige if that is what I inevitably choose. I'm stronger and better than him and he knows it, just like you are stronger and better also... I'm noones side dish!! I'm either the main course and dessert or I'm nothing... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Babsinhealing Posted March 13, 2016 Author Share Posted March 13, 2016 I have to think it was real... At least at the moment. If not he could win an academy award and should be a professional actor. I am a clinician by trade and feel I have good intuition - it comes with the job. I can see a red flag a mile awhile. I never had one red flag during our A. But when we met and got into this it was intended to be NSA physical fun - neither of us were interested in changing our "home" situations. But as time passed we got really close emotionally and neither of us backed off. We knew we crossed a line but we ignored it. Unfortunately this A really opened up the reality that I need intimacy in my life and while my M is comfortable, it lacks intimacy. I spent the day with my H and he's so content with "us"... For him, it's perfect. For me, I just feel this sadness (yes, a lot of that is grief) but I'm sad because we never had anything close to that intimacy- even when me met. I ignored that it was missing because I thought he fit the list of a proper husband... Smart, kind, athletic, faithful. Now that I've had true intimacy it's so hard to imagine never having it again. So sad 1 Link to post Share on other sites
solonely9 Posted March 13, 2016 Share Posted March 13, 2016 (edited) Oh, wow, Babs! Our situations are so much alike. So much alike. From the very beginning to exactly how I feel now. I too spent the day with my husband. We went for a walk at one of our favorite parks. He was so happy, talking and talking and talking... I, on the other hand, would just tune into the conversation for a second, out of respect, but what I was really feeling was this overwhelming sadness. Like you, I too can't imagine living without what xMM and I had. For now. Edited March 13, 2016 by solonely9 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Babsinhealing Posted March 13, 2016 Author Share Posted March 13, 2016 I walked through the grocery store today and couldn't help looking at everyone thinking, is anyone feeling the way I am? I was also thinking, can anyone see my sadness? This pain that feels so heavy in my chest. I know it's my withdrawal and I pray it's temporary but I can't help wonder what he feels... Or what the BS feels. This is such a mess. Part of me wishes I never met him and the other part has no regrets that I got to feel something so amazing, so alive, so passionate. Maybe with time I will sway farther towards one of them but for now, it's the second and it is killing me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted March 13, 2016 Share Posted March 13, 2016 I walked through the grocery store today and couldn't help looking at everyone thinking, is anyone feeling the way I am? I was also thinking, can anyone see my sadness? This pain that feels so heavy in my chest. I know it's my withdrawal and I pray it's temporary but I can't help wonder what he feels... Or what the BS feels. This is such a mess. Part of me wishes I never met him and the other part has no regrets that I got to feel something so amazing, so alive, so passionate. Maybe with time I will sway farther towards one of them but for now, it's the second and it is killing me. That's part of the reason I'm separated. No passion at all and I have never experienced with my husband what I had w my xmm. I have trouble being w my husband because it reminds me of what I'm missing in my life and I feel so lonely. It's awful. I miss my xmm but I'm not going to chase him, if he changes than he knows where I am. I don't have any hope for that happening though and it makes me sad but at the same time I have hope that there is something out there just for me. There is a better life for you too. You have to weigh what's most important to you. To me having no sex life eroded the rest of our marraige and his denial to even talk about it has hurt me even more so for me I think I need to move on. I love my husband but I can't live without a physical connection... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
solonely9 Posted March 13, 2016 Share Posted March 13, 2016 I'm sorry you're going through this, Babsinhealing. I can relate to everything you describe, but I'm also an optimist that you will sway to the right side. You know what you need to do and you are, actually, doing it. It is not like you are confused and without direction. It is just that your emotions are still stirred and much more powerful than your rationality. When things calm down, you will be able to see more clearly. Oh, wow, look at me, giving advice. I am there with you though. Right in the same place. Hugs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
solonely9 Posted March 13, 2016 Share Posted March 13, 2016 Josmatjes, I read your story. You're so brave. You've come a long way, too, realizing what you really want, separating from your husband, and moving on. I hope that only good things will happen to you from now on and that you will find someone you're happy with. Wish you all the best! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureHusband Posted March 13, 2016 Share Posted March 13, 2016 I so wish it could be so easy to just walk out of my marriage but it's not. 14 years together, 10 married... And the worse thing, he's a wonderful person. Kind, gentle, loving, faithful, smart- he just doesn't like sex. He's 50, I'm 45- so we aren't " young" and in our prime. As I mentioned on a previous post, he's the perfect guy to grow old with - when sex isn't as important but unfortunately, I'm not there yet! So do I walk out of a secure, comfortable marriage in search of a relationship that has it "all" and does that really exist?! Or do I just appreciate all the wonderful things he has to offer and accept that sex is what it is... It's not like he won't do it- but it's nothing like the type of sex I desire. This is my EXACT situation but the roles are just reversed. Physical touch and sex are something that are just not important to her. I'll almost never try and initiate sex any longer. She will sometimes only because she says "I know you need it." Well, I don't want to be a chore. I want to be wanted. I feel like I am broken for wanting to be touched and wanting sex. It has gotten to the point that i am full of resentment and anger. I see couples that are affectionate with each other and i am very envious. I feel so conflicted about what to do, it makes me sick to my stomach. As I mentioned before, I am 48 and in great shape, but maybe too do I just accept that this is the best I am destined to have? I don't know... It all just hurts. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted March 13, 2016 Share Posted March 13, 2016 This is my EXACT situation but the roles are just reversed. Physical touch and sex are something that are just not important to her. I'll almost never try and initiate sex any longer. She will sometimes only because she says "I know you need it." Well, I don't want to be a chore. I want to be wanted. I feel like I am broken for wanting to be touched and wanting sex. It has gotten to the point that i am full of resentment and anger. I see couples that are affectionate with each other and i am very envious. I feel so conflicted about what to do, it makes me sick to my stomach. As I mentioned before, I am 48 and in great shape, but maybe too do I just accept that this is the best I am destined to have? I don't know... It all just hurts. I feel the same way. It's tough because sometimes I ask myself am I shallow for needing physical contact? Should I just stop complaining and be happy w what I have!? I don't know the answer but I do know this.... No matter how much you love your spouse if there is no sex than its more like a roommate situation. I'm married almost 20 years and I'm 46 and I know I have a lot to offer... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted March 13, 2016 Share Posted March 13, 2016 This is my EXACT situation but the roles are just reversed. Physical touch and sex are something that are just not important to her. I'll almost never try and initiate sex any longer. She will sometimes only because she says "I know you need it." Well, I don't want to be a chore. I want to be wanted. I feel like I am broken for wanting to be touched and wanting sex. It has gotten to the point that i am full of resentment and anger. I see couples that are affectionate with each other and i am very envious. I feel so conflicted about what to do, it makes me sick to my stomach. As I mentioned before, I am 48 and in great shape, but maybe too do I just accept that this is the best I am destined to have? I don't know... It all just hurts. 48 is not old. I am 41. You are too young to be at this stage. I don't get it. xMM is in a sexless marriage as well as are some other men I know. Many women feel like your wife - even my friends. Have you spoken to her about it? There are three basic reasons a woman does not want sex. 1. They do not have an orgasm. There is no point. If they love their husband, they will do it every once in a while to keep the guy happy. If they don't, they will just stop. This can be solved by discussing it opening and figuring out what it wrong. 2. They have no sex drive due to very real biological reasons. Women have a loss of estrogen and testosterone. Sex drive plummets. At the same time women gain weight and feel bad about themselves. They become sexless, avoiding sex or doing it once in a while to appease the spouse. This can be helped by a radical change in diet and exercise and visit to the doctor for blood work. Say goodbye to sugar, flour and the american diet. Hit the gym. Lift weights. The problem, if there is not #1, women are not really motivated. My own friends said, I'd rather have cake and pasta than sex, I dont care if my drive is gone. So I would think its up to the man to convince them to care. 3. They just are not into you anymore. Maybe there is someone new. My ex made my skin crawl. Or a wife could be so angry at her husband for something. In any event, don't stick your head in the sand, don't have an A, and don't just live with it. Maybe your wife is just as unhappy. You'll never know unless you ask. Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureHusband Posted March 13, 2016 Share Posted March 13, 2016 I feel the same way. It's tough because sometimes I ask myself am I shallow for needing physical contact? Should I just stop complaining and be happy w what I have!? I don't know the answer but I do know this.... No matter how much you love your spouse if there is no sex than its more like a roommate situation. I'm married almost 20 years and I'm 46 and I know I have a lot to offer... Well for me it's not that there is no sex, but it makes me feel like i am a chore, not wanted or desired... like "we can do it, but can it be quick?" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 I never thought it would solve anything, and this texting relationship morphed into what it became. It never started that way. I saw this thread and replied to Babs just to let her know, that I know, what she is feeling. Right or wrong, this heartbreak hurts. As a result of my comment, I got a public flogging. Sadly, this section is swarming with betrayed spouses that for some reason love to spend a lot of time posting in this section. If they get on your nerves, just put them on your ignore list. That's what I have learned to do. Please know that this is supposed to be a forum for support for OM/OW. You are welcomed here by the OM and OW and you can say whatever you want. The OM/OW will usually be more understanding and can relate to you and you will learn to spot who they are. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureHusband Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 48 is not old. I am 41. You are too young to be at this stage. I don't get it. xMM is in a sexless marriage as well as are some other men I know. Many women feel like your wife - even my friends. Have you spoken to her about it? There are three basic reasons a woman does not want sex. 1. They do not have an orgasm. There is no point. If they love their husband, they will do it every once in a while to keep the guy happy. If they don't, they will just stop. This can be solved by discussing it opening and figuring out what it wrong. 2. They have no sex drive due to very real biological reasons. Women have a loss of estrogen and testosterone. Sex drive plummets. At the same time women gain weight and feel bad about themselves. They become sexless, avoiding sex or doing it once in a while to appease the spouse. This can be helped by a radical change in diet and exercise and visit to the doctor for blood work. Say goodbye to sugar, flour and the american diet. Hit the gym. Lift weights. The problem, if there is not #1, women are not really motivated. My own friends said, I'd rather have cake and pasta than sex, I dont care if my drive is gone. So I would think its up to the man to convince them to care. 3. They just are not into you anymore. Maybe there is someone new. My ex made my skin crawl. Or a wife could be so angry at her husband for something. In any event, don't stick your head in the sand, don't have an A, and don't just live with it. Maybe your wife is just as unhappy. You'll never know unless you ask. I don't feel old, quite the contrary. I still feel very young. I eat very well and go to the gym 3x a week. We both follow a mostly paleo diet, primarily veggies, with some good meats. Though I follow it a little more tightly. I even still skateboard to help keep in shape, mostly long distance pushing. To your points. 1.) she is multi orgasmic always has been. So i don't think that is it. 2.) She says she only thinks about sex maybe every few months, but her drive has never been that high. She would rather watch The Voice or American Idol, or surf the web than have sex. 3.) Not into me? Yeah that's possible, though I have done everything i can think of to be the best husband and dad I could be, but maybe that's not enough. IDK? I have tried talking about it calmly, but she gets very defensive and says very hurtful things to me. She says she thinks its fine the way it is and then gets very passive-agressive saying that she knows she's frigid and doesn't touch me enough, and if i don't like it to just move on. It's all not productive at all, and i walk away more frustrated than i was, so I won't even try and talk about it any longer. I am going to see a counselor on my own to work through my resentment an anger. But I feel like i can live like this for my remaining time on this earth. I want someone that wants the passion i have to give. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 I feel the same way. It's tough because sometimes I ask myself am I shallow for needing physical contact? Should I just stop complaining and be happy w what I have!? I don't know the answer but I do know this.... No matter how much you love your spouse if there is no sex than its more like a roommate situation. I'm married almost 20 years and I'm 46 and I know I have a lot to offer... Hi Jos, What happened to the D? Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureHusband Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 Sadly, this section is swarming with betrayed spouses that for some reason love to spend a lot of time posting in this section. If they get on your nerves, just put them on your ignore list. That's what I have learned to do. Please know that this is supposed to be a forum for support for OM/OW. You are welcomed here by the OM and OW and you can say whatever you want. The OM/OW will usually be more understanding and can relate to you and you will learn to spot who they are. I mean, I put it out there, and it's the internet, so I can't be surprised when something like that happens. I guess it caught me off guard. Thanks for the kind words though. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 As someone who was married with kids for awhile and divorced, I seriously struggle with understanding why so many MP's feel like they HAVE to stay in their miserable marriage and that the world is going to end and everything will fall apart if they divorce now. I truly don't get it... Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureHusband Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 As someone who was married with kids for awhile and divorced, I seriously struggle with understanding why so many MP's feel like they HAVE to stay in their miserable marriage and that the world is going to end and everything will fall apart if they divorce now. I truly don't get it... I guess for me it had not been miserable enough to do anything, but not good enough to be happy. And I felt that my needs were not important. If that makes sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 I don't feel old, quite the contrary. I still feel very young. I eat very well and go to the gym 3x a week. We both follow a mostly paleo diet, primarily veggies, with some good meats. Though I follow it a little more tightly. I even still skateboard to help keep in shape, mostly long distance pushing. To your points. 1.) she is multi orgasmic always has been. So i don't think that is it. 2.) She says she only thinks about sex maybe every few months, but her drive has never been that high. She would rather watch The Voice or American Idol, or surf the web than have sex. 3.) Not into me? Yeah that's possible, though I have done everything i can think of to be the best husband and dad I could be, but maybe that's not enough. IDK? I have tried talking about it calmly, but she gets very defensive and says very hurtful things to me. She says she thinks its fine the way it is and then gets very passive-agressive saying that she knows she's frigid and doesn't touch me enough, and if i don't like it to just move on. It's all not productive at all, and i walk away more frustrated than i was, so I won't even try and talk about it any longer. I am going to see a counselor on my own to work through my resentment an anger. But I feel like i can live like this for my remaining time on this earth. I want someone that wants the passion i have to give. I think there are alot of married men in your situation (wife won't have sex with them but they don't want to divorce). Some of them go on ashleymadison.com. If you haven't figured it out, the key is to not get with a single OW, as she will want more out of the relationship. The key is to find another married woman who is looking for an affair on the side as well. You will be on equal footing. You should probably ask your wife for an open relationship, as well, so you can do this ethically. Since you said she was with 3 men in the recent past then obviously she won't have a problem with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 I guess for me it had not been miserable enough to do anything, but not good enough to be happy. And I felt that my needs were not important. If that makes sense. Yes, it does make sense. There's a book called "Too good to leave, Too bad to stay" that I think is about that. I haven't read it yet (I don't feel like getting annoyed, lol) Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 How do you put someone on your ignore list? Sadly, this section is swarming with betrayed spouses that for some reason love to spend a lot of time posting in this section. If they get on your nerves, just put them on your ignore list. That's what I have learned to do. Please know that this is supposed to be a forum for support for OM/OW. You are welcomed here by the OM and OW and you can say whatever you want. The OM/OW will usually be more understanding and can relate to you and you will learn to spot who they are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 How do you put someone on your ignore list? Up at the top left of the screen you'll see "My Profile/CP". Click on that, then along the left side you'll see "Edit Ignore list", click on that. Then you type their username in and their posts won't show up for you anymore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureHusband Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 I think there are alot of married men in your situation (wife won't have sex with them but they don't want to divorce). Some of them go on ashleymadison.com. If you haven't figured it out, the key is to not get with a single OW, as she will want more out of the relationship. The key is to find another married woman who is looking for an affair on the side as well. You will be on equal footing. You should probably ask your wife for an open relationship, as well, so you can do this ethically. Since you said she was with 3 men in the recent past then obviously she won't have a problem with it. i know what you mean. i don't want an affair though. Now, I want a change. And the open relationship won't fly with her. It just won't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 Well for me it's not that there is no sex, but it makes me feel like i am a chore, not wanted or desired... like "we can do it, but can it be quick?" I was like this with my xbf in a long term relationship (5 years... probably like this for 4.5 years). He had become immasculated in my eyes and there was little I could do to make myself desire him in that way. I could orgasm but was always thinking about someone else or some other scene in my head and it didn't feel satisfying. There were a few times on vacation when we had really good sex, I think because we were in a different world so to speak, having been taken out of our normal day to day roles. I think that had I stayed with him, our sex life would have been like this the rest of our lives and I probably would have cheated once I found myself wildly attracted to some other man. I'm glad I left because he deserves an enthusiastic partner, not a cheater. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 i know what you mean. i don't want an affair though. Now, I want a change. And the open relationship won't fly with her. It just won't. Good luck. I sincerely hope you get a change. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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