Tormented after affair ended... !

[Popsicle]

There were a few times on vacation when we had really good sex, I think because we were in a different world so to speak, having been taken out of our normal day to day roles.

 

Lol. I always wonder why the first thing people say to couples who are struggling is "Go on vacation together". As if, with the exception of that one or two weeks, that's going to solve anything...

 

It's just another form of escaping from your problems instead of facing/solving them head on, if you ask me. Just like an affair is.

 

The other thing is, when two people are passionate and sexually into each other, they don't care where they go on vacation (As long as there's a place for them to have sex ). And no kids will be going either!

 

I don't even know how a holiday makes things better....

I wouldn't be surprised if these people don't even do it like rabbits even while they are on vacation. They're probably too busy thinking sightseeing is making them bond. lol

[UnsureHusband]

I was like this with my xbf in a long term relationship (5 years... probably like this for 4.5 years). He had become immasculated in my eyes and there was little I could do to make myself desire him in that way. I could orgasm but was always thinking about someone else or some other scene in my head and it didn't feel satisfying. There were a few times on vacation when we had really good sex, I think because we were in a different world so to speak, having been taken out of our normal day to day roles.

 

I think that had I stayed with him, our sex life would have been like this the rest of our lives and I probably would have cheated once I found myself wildly attracted to some other man. I'm glad I left because he deserves an enthusiastic partner, not a cheater.

 

Interesting perspective. Maybe that has happened. I don't know. How was he not man enough for you? Could you elaborate?

 

I have asked her that, and she says no. If it is that, i wish she'd tell me. I have only stayed because she is totally dependent on me for my salary, running the kids everywhere, fixing stuff around the house, taking the dog to the vet and the groomer, Managing the household finances, etc. If that's not man enough for her she can find some other more "manly" chump to depend on. I bust my ass in the gym to keep myself in good shape. I find someone else just fine. hahaha

[lemondrop21]

Interesting perspective. Maybe that has happened. I don't know. How was he not man enough for you? Could you elaborate?

 

I have asked her that, and she says no. If it is that, i wish she'd tell me. I have only stayed because she is totally dependent on me for my salary, running the kids everywhere, fixing stuff around the house, taking the dog to the vet and the groomer, Managing the household finances, etc. If that's not man enough for her she can find some other more "manly" chump to depend on. I bust my ass in the gym to keep myself in good shape. I find someone else just fine. hahaha

 

Well, I was definitely in a different situation than yours. I was in no way dependent on his salary, I out-earned him and had more potential for career growth than he did. That issue impacted many areas of our lives including sex... For some people this isn't an issue, but I will admit it was an issue for xbf and I. He definitely did not bust his ass at the gym (although neither did I at the time, but I was the more naturally attractive one by far). He did do most of the cooking and some fraction of household chores when we lived together, and we used to always argue about that split of duties and who was pulling more of their weight.

 

The only thought I have about your (very different) scenario is, is it possible that you are trying too hard? What if you make it clear that you have some expectations of her - helping with things around the house and so on? Some people respond well to that sort of pressure; they may not be "happy" about it initially, but it forces them to look at their role in the relationship and not take the whole thing for granted.

[UnsureHusband]

W

 

The only thought I have about your (very different) scenario is, is it possible that you are trying too hard? What if you make it clear that you have some expectations of her - helping with things around the house and so on? Some people respond well to that sort of pressure; they may not be "happy" about it initially, but it forces them to look at their role in the relationship and not take the whole thing for granted.

 

I don't think I am trying too hard. She is kind of annoyed if she has to do stuff for the kids, but i like spending time with them, so I do the bulk of those things. But maybe I am.

 

Though to be honest the chore distribution is the least of my concerns.

 

Just yesterday at a friends birthday party, one of the other wives told my wife how lucky she was that I looked so great. Though my wife never tells me that herself, so maybe you're right, she just not that into me anymore.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't think I am trying too hard. She is kind of annoyed if she has to do stuff for the kids, but i like spending time with them, so I do the bulk of those things. But maybe I am.

 

Though to be honest the chore distribution is the least of my concerns.

 

Just yesterday at a friends birthday party, one of the other wives told my wife how lucky she was that I looked so great. Though my wife never tells me that herself, so maybe you're right, she just not that into me anymore.

 

I will tell you what I told xMM and my good male friend, both in the same situation - you deserve to be loved. Human contact is a necessity. Babies do not thrive without it. It is not selfish or wrong to need it. It is normal and if you are being honest about your needs and the other person is not listening, you have a right to move on. And I agree with you. I would never advise an affair, it's only heartbreak. You are a fit 48 year old guy. Good God, the world is your oyster.

 

She'll be into you when you are on someone else's arm!

 

Added - no married women or women with boyfriends. There are swarms of divorced and single women in their 40s out there for you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I guess for me it had not been miserable enough to do anything, but not good enough to be happy. And I felt that my needs were not important. If that makes sense.

 

I have kids, a house and a joint account so I get all that, I really do, but the vow says - to have and to hold. What do you think that means? Sex, touching, kissing, physical needs are as real as a glass of water to a dying person.

 

Otherwise you are roommates. That is what xMM is, I do not understand it, I really don't but that is me. He says he just got used to it.

[Popsicle]

Interesting perspective. Maybe that has happened. I don't know. How was he not man enough for you? Could you elaborate?

 

I have asked her that, and she says no. If it is that, i wish she'd tell me. I have only stayed because she is totally dependent on me for my salary, running the kids everywhere, fixing stuff around the house, taking the dog to the vet and the groomer, Managing the household finances, etc. If that's not man enough for her she can find some other more "manly" chump to depend on. I bust my ass in the gym to keep myself in good shape. I find someone else just fine. hahaha

 

It's the hardest thing in the world to leave someone that you WANT because they DON'T want you (enough). I have had to do it twice in my life and have had it done to me once. Being the one that wants them more and having to deal with their rejection, you become so fragile and emotionally dependent on them and you doubt everything about yourself. It is really hard to build up the courage and self-esteem to leave someone whom you desire so much and think so highly of. It requires you to, for the first time, put yourself and your needs above theirs, which is obviously something that you have never done before. It is a process and can take a while. Some people never get there and can never quite manage to do it.

 

If you get there...once you get there your spouses bullying, or passive-aggressiveness or pridefulness or criticism will make not one bit of difference anymore to you, because you'll be over them and valuing yourself now. And you won't put up with it anymore.

[UnsureHusband]

I will tell you what I told xMM and my good male friend, both in the same situation - you deserve to be loved. Human contact is a necessity. Babies do not thrive without it. It is not selfish or wrong to need it. It is normal and if you are being honest about your needs and the other person is not listening, you have a right to move on. And I agree with you. I would never advise an affair, it's only heartbreak. You are a fit 48 year old guy. Good God, the world is your oyster.

 

She'll be into you when you are on someone else's arm!

 

Added - no married women or women with boyfriends. There are swarms of divorced and single women in their 40s out there for you.

 

To be clear, I originally posted here to BabsInHealing because I new how she felt. I have been having a text-only thing with a 28 year old woman for about the past 4 months. She put the brakes on it because I am not divorced, and she started seeing someone. In the time we were not talking, i was heartbroken. It really hurt. For better or worse we have since resumed chatting. We both have a very strong attraction to each other, and for the first time in years, I felt desirable as a man, and made me realize that maybe i could be happy. But i don't want just an affair. I want to fully share my life with someone that really wants what i have to offer and vise versa.

 

Maybe i am realizing that my time is limited and I want to suck all the passion and adventure out of life in the time i have left. I'd prefer that to be my wife, but I don't think we want the same thing. I have been reluctant to leave because of our 14 year old and the fact that my wife can't survive on what she makes. It is only a fraction of what I make. The whole thing is frustrating.

[UnsureHusband]

It requires you to, for the first time, put yourself and your needs above theirs, which is obviously something that you have never done before. It is a process and can take a while. Some people never get there and can never quite manage to do it.

 

If you get there...once you get there your spouses bullying, or passive-aggressiveness or pridefulness or criticism will make not one bit of difference anymore to you, because you'll be over them and valuing yourself now. And you won't put up with it anymore.

 

Wow this is very insightful. Thanks for sharing that. It's a real eye-opener!

[UnsureHusband]

I have kids, a house and a joint account so I get all that, I really do, but the vow says - to have and to hold. What do you think that means? Sex, touching, kissing, physical needs are as real as a glass of water to a dying person.

 

Otherwise you are roommates. That is what xMM is, I do not understand it, I really don't but that is me. He says he just got used to it.

 

That's a great point too. Maybe the first spouse to betray is the one that turns their back on the needs of the other spouse, not just the first one that "cheats". Just a thought.

Edited March 14, 2016 by UnsureHusband

[MidnightBlue1980]

That's a great point too. Maybe the first spouse to betray is the one that turns their back on the needs of their spouse, not just the first one that "cheats". Just a thought.

 

Yes. If you were a huge foodie and took your spouse eating in another's home as betrayal and you stopped keeping food in the house, eventually your spouse would go elsewhere out of starvation. It is no different. Who is more wrong, the person who withheld or the person who went elsewhere? That is not a real question of course.

 

I did see your texting post. Ah, texting. Yes. I had quite the massive withdrawal from xMM after 5 months of texting. We sent 5,000 texts a day. I know this because H told me after looking at the bill. You will find it interesting that my therapist said it is as addictive as cocaine. Texting produces that chemical in your head, dopamine, the feel good chemical, and when you shut off the hits, you go through very real withdrawal. It's actually impossible to know if you really like the person or you are just addicted to the texting highs. Sometimes I would see MM and think, what the heck am I so obsessed about but then we'd be apart again and the obsessive texting would start. I'm not saying you don't like this woman but just keep that in the back of your mind - cocaine.

 

I've obviously spent a good deal reading on all this, in therapy and watching youtube videos to understand what happened to me. I'm right there with you though, there is a part of me that will never be over xMM, especially since I see him, and unlike you, I don't even have a good reason. You can walk away and feel okay about it. You were totally in the right.

 

As for the money stuff and kid angles, I get it, I really do. Kids survive though and ask any of them as adults and they would say they would rather their parents had split instead of staying unhappy. And they also know what is going on. What is the lesson you want to teach your son? If this was him in a loveless marriage, what advice would you give him?

[MidnightBlue1980]

To be clear, I originally posted here to BabsInHealing because I new how she felt. I have been having a text-only thing with a 28 year old woman for about the past 4 months. She put the brakes on it because I am not divorced, and she started seeing someone. In the time we were not talking, i was heartbroken. It really hurt. For better or worse we have since resumed chatting. We both have a very strong attraction to each other, and for the first time in years, I felt desirable as a man, and made me realize that maybe i could be happy. But i don't want just an affair. I want to fully share my life with someone that really wants what i have to offer and vise versa.

 

.

 

Have you met this woman? Do you know her IRL?

[Popsicle]

Otherwise you are roommates. That is what xMM is, I do not understand it, I really don't but that is me. He says he just got used to it.

 

But Midknight, you stayed married too. But maybe for different reasons than your xMM? How is this any different? Why do the reasons matter? I do not understand this...

[Popsicle]

It's interesting that there are some MP's that get really upset that the affair ended (for whatever reason it did). They wanted it to go on like that forever with no forward movement.

 

I think they get used to that mentality in their marriage. Just being stuck in the same place.

Edited March 14, 2016 by Popsicle

[MidnightBlue1980]

But Midknight, you stayed married too. But maybe for different reasons than your xMM? How is this any different? Why do the reasons matter? I do not understand this...

 

You are right if sex is not important to someone. I am not missing a major part of my marriage. I wish I was as it would then make sense, why I got so hooked on xMM. I don't even have a legitimate reason.

 

But I guess sex is just not as important to some as it is to others. But if I was unhappy, I would get divorced. I did before.

 

Unsure husband is unhappy due to the lack of intimacy.

 

xMM said he was just roommates and I thought he must want to leave but he's still there and they are still roommates. I can't wrap my head around why someone would want to stay in this environment but I guess sex is just not that important?

[Popsicle]

You are right if sex is not important to someone. I am not missing a major part of my marriage. I wish I was as it would then make sense, why I got so hooked on xMM. I don't even have a legitimate reason.

 

But I guess sex is just not as important to some as it is to others. But if I was unhappy, I would get divorced. I did before.

 

Unsure husband is unhappy due to the lack of intimacy.

 

xMM said he was just roommates and I thought he must want to leave but he's still there and they are still roommates. I can't wrap my head around why someone would want to stay in this environment but I guess sex is just not that important?

 

Because he (UnsureHusband) tells himself that he is not unhappy enough to leave, just like you do.

 

He just has a problem in his marriage to speak about. Which you probably do too, but haven't acknowledged. He would prefer to fix his problem.

[MidnightBlue1980]

But Midknight, you stayed married too. But maybe for different reasons than your xMM? How is this any different? Why do the reasons matter? I do not understand this...

 

You are right in that there are people who do not understand why I am still married. They don't see what I see in my H. He is very different from me. Dreamer, artist, not like me at all. Men especially think I could do better. I lost friends who lost respect for me bc I did not leave him after his A. I guess we all have the things that are dealbreakers. For many money is the dealbreaker, for me it's not. I don't care at all. I make money. But he's very affectionate and sexual. I guess that is more important to me.

 

You can't have it all.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Because he (UnsureHusband) tells himself that he is not unhappy enough to leave, just like you do.

 

He just has a problem in his marriage to speak about. Which you probably do too, but haven't acknowledged. He would prefer to fix his problem.

 

I don't think the problem is in my marriage. I think the problem is in me.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's interesting that there are some MP's that get really upset that the affair ended (for whatever reason it did). They wanted it to go on like that forever with no forward movement.

 

I think they get used to that mentality in their marriage. Just being stuck in the same place.

 

Yes. xMM was really upset with me. He had a plan. A plan going nowhere. We would be together, a real relationship, indefinitely, on the side. He thought it was perfect. I have a friend who told me it is common and I should not judge him, that many do it and he did love me. Just because two people don't want to rip their lives apart does not mean they don't love the other person.

 

I don't know what to think but that arrangement was not for me.

[Doublegold]

That's a great point too. Maybe the first spouse to betray is the one that turns their back on the needs of the other spouse, not just the first one that "cheats". Just a thought.

 

and this: but the vow says - to have and to hold. What do you think that means? Sex, touching, kissing, physical needs are as real as a glass of water to a dying person.

 

Finally someone else gets it! I have always felt that people cheat/betray their spouse in many ways--attention to everyone on the list except the spouse. Putting everyones needs ahead of the spouse. Talking on the phone listening to siblings and parents and friends--everyone but their spouse. Tearing someone down instead of building them up. Denying intimacy to the person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with.

Then, when the spouse finds someone to listen, care, enjoy them--everyone wants to know WHY they cheated. They rail and scream about the 'ultimate betrayal'. Hey--it's just sex!! Something that wasn't high on your to do list or a priority when you rejected your spouse in between the sheets!

 

That road to betrayal is littered with many actions. "Cheating" in a Marriage is not only sexual, it can be Any spouse choosing to put your attention and concern and care towards others above your mate which is a rejection of your spouse. Every action has a reaction.

 

Thanks for pointing out the ignore button Popsicle--I think I'm going to need it;)

[Popsicle]

You are right in that there are people who do not understand why I am still married. They don't see what I see in my H. He is very different from me. Dreamer, artist, not like me at all. Men especially think I could do better. I lost friends who lost respect for me bc I did not leave him after his A. I guess we all have the things that are dealbreakers. For many money is the dealbreaker, for me it's not. I don't care at all. I make money. But he's very affectionate and sexual. I guess that is more important to me.

 

You can't have it all.

 

Right and UnsureHusband and your xMM feel the same way about their wives. They have their reasons for staying, just like you do.

 

Yes. xMM was really upset with me. He had a plan. A plan going nowhere. We would be together, a real relationship, indefinitely, on the side. He thought it was perfect. I have a friend who told me it is common and I should not judge him, that many do it and he did love me. Just because two people don't want to rip their lives apart does not mean they don't love the other person.

 

I don't know what to think but that arrangement was not for me.

 

He probably thought the arrangement was for you and thought you felt the same way because you, too, were married. A lot of married guys who get into A's with married women feel this way! That they don't have to worry about her wanting to run off together and bust up their families and lives. This does not mean that there was not love shared between the two. Right? Isn't that what you feel and you remained married?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Right and UnsureHusband and your xMM feel the same way about their wives. They have their reasons for staying, just like you do.

 

 

 

He probably thought the arrangement was for you and thought you felt the same way because you, too, were married. A lot of married guys who get into A's with married women feel this way! That they don't have to worry about her wanting to run off together and bust up their families and lives. This does not mean that there was not love shared between the two. Right? Isn't that what you feel and you remained married?

 

Well, not really. I fell hard and he told me he would leave if it was not for their child (not really a child, a preteen). But so I am not going to pressure someone to leave but I wanted to be with him. So I left my house and made him choose. Obviously he had no intention of leaving, he wanted the status quo. So I ended it. I wanted it all or nothing at all. That is just who I am.

 

I was okay about separating but H said all that was his fault and he would wait it out, that xMM was a bad guy and I just didn't see it, that he wanted me. So here I am.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Right and UnsureHusband and your xMM feel the same way about their wives. They have their reasons for staying, just like you do.

 

 

 

He probably thought the arrangement was for you and thought you felt the same way because you, too, were married. A lot of married guys who get into A's with married women feel this way! That they don't have to worry about her wanting to run off together and bust up their families and lives. This does not mean that there was not love shared between the two. Right? Isn't that what you feel and you remained married?

 

You are right. I went into it lightly but I changed the rules. We fell in love and I was not willing to settle to be second best. Today he understands that and says I was right, it had to end. It hurts though.

[Popsicle]

Well, not really. I fell hard and he told me he would leave if it was not for their child (not really a child, a preteen). But so I am not going to pressure someone to leave but I wanted to be with him. So I left my house and made him choose. Obviously he had no intention of leaving, he wanted the status quo. So I ended it. I wanted it all or nothing at all. That is just who I am.

 

I was okay about separating but H said all that was his fault and he would wait it out, that xMM was a bad guy and I just didn't see it, that he wanted me. So here I am.

 

I understand. I'm all or nothing too. But you wanted all or nothing with xMM but not all or nothing with your husband? I think you have gotten used to not having it all with your H. Like a habit.

[Popsicle]

You are right. I went into it lightly but I changed the rules. We fell in love and I was not willing to settle to be second best. Today he understands that and says I was right, it had to end. It hurts though.

 

I know it does. At least he understood your feelings and admitted that you were right.