Tormented after affair ended... !

[MidnightBlue1980]

I understand. I'm all or nothing too. But you wanted all or nothing with xMM but not all or nothing with your husband? I think you have gotten used to not having it all with your H. Like a habit.

 

Well, H is being a good husband now. But its a flaw of mine, I can't just act like none of it happened. I'm different. It's not him, it's me. He knows this about me and is worried I will leave him. It's hard to just forget it all happened. It's easier to just start fresh. Not really easier, kids, money and all that, but I feel once people do what we did, there is no going backwards.

 

That said, it's not about me anymore. I have two little kids and I married my H. I do love him. What am I going to do, get divorced because it's the only way to completely get over MM, so I can start over? That seems really selfish. So I am here.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I understand. I'm all or nothing too. But you wanted all or nothing with xMM but not all or nothing with your husband? I think you have gotten used to not having it all with your H. Like a habit.

 

Well, H is being a good husband now. But its a flaw of mine, I can't just act like none of it happened. I'm different. It's not him, it's me. He knows this about me and is worried I will leave him. It's hard to just forget it all happened. It's easier to just start fresh. Not really easier, kids, money and all that, but I feel once people do what we did, there is no going backwards.

 

That said, it's not about me anymore. I have two little kids and I married my H. I do love him. What am I going to do, get divorced because it's the only way to completely get over MM, so I can start over? That seems really selfish. So I am here. It's all me. I am just not marriage material.

[Popsicle]

Well, H is being a good husband now. But its a flaw of mine, I can't just act like none of it happened. I'm different. It's not him, it's me. He knows this about me and is worried I will leave him. It's hard to just forget it all happened. It's easier to just start fresh. Not really easier, kids, money and all that, but I feel once people do what we did, there is no going backwards.

 

That said, it's not about me anymore. I have two little kids and I married my H. I do love him. What am I going to do, get divorced because it's the only way to completely get over MM, so I can start over? That seems really selfish. So I am here.

 

Something is wrong. If your husband was being so great now, then you would be feeling soooo in love with him. But you're not, so it makes no difference. I'm not saying H is not doing all the right things, but I think you are over him (and were before the A and still are).

 

And no, you don't get a divorce to get over MM, you get a divorce to give both yourself and your H a chance to find love again.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I know it does. At least he understood your feelings and admitted that you were right.

 

If he loved me like he said he did (over and over), he would have wanted to be with me. He didn't want to be with me, therefore he did not love me.

 

I nearly died when it ended and he was cold. I'll never forget that and it helps me in never going backwards. I told him I had considered suicide from the pain and he didn't even respond.

 

Every day I get better and better. Never again.

[Popsicle]

If he loved me like he said he did (over and over), he would have wanted to be with me. He didn't want to be with me, therefore he did not love me.

 

I nearly died when it ended and he was cold. I'll never forget that and it helps me in never going backwards. I told him I had considered suicide from the pain and he didn't even respond.

 

Every day I get better and better. Never again.

 

I know you're grappling with this, darling. *hugs*

 

It does get better with time.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Something is wrong. If your husband was being so great now, then you would be feeling soooo in love with him. But you're not, so it makes no difference. I'm not saying H is not doing all the right things, but I think you are over him (and were before the A and still are).

 

And no, you don't get a divorce to get over MM, you get a divorce to give both yourself and your H a chance to find love again.

 

You are right about the second part, H doesn't want a divorce though. He is very aware of everything. He watched me cry for months.

 

The first part is tricky. Have you been married? The whole in love thing, that is not marriage. Marriage is a lot more than that. That stuff fades or turns into a companionship love. I don't even know what married love is suppose to be. But you don't fall back in love with someone. It doesn't happen. That only happens in the beginning of a relationship.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I know you're grappling with this, darling. *hugs*

 

It does get better with time.

 

Thank you Popsicle. It does get better. I'm so much better than I was in the end of December.

 

I will be okay not having those intense feelings ever again.

[Popsicle]

You are right about the second part, H doesn't want a divorce though. He is very aware of everything. He watched me cry for months.

 

I know you liked this, but I personally think this is pathetic (of him).

 

The first part is tricky. Have you been married? The whole in love thing, that is not marriage. Marriage is a lot more than that. That stuff fades or turns into a companionship love. I don't even know what married love is suppose to be. But you don't fall back in love with someone. It doesn't happen. That only happens in the beginning of a relationship.

 

I have been married. This is happening because your H won't let you go and you like that he won't let you go. If MM were around and demanding for you to be with him (along with divorcing), you probably wouldn't like that H was clinging to the M and would rebuff him.

[Popsicle]

Thank you Popsicle. It does get better. I'm so much better than I was in the end of December.

 

I will be okay not having those intense feelings ever again.

 

Yeah, it sounds like you were in a very bad place then. My heart goes out to you for that. Don't ever go back there!

[Popsicle]

I'm having flashbacks of the movie "Casino" where Sam Rothstein wife was in love with another man and he watched her cry and completely melt down but he tried to help his wife thru it (aka clung to her). It didn't end well for anyone in the movie.

[UnsureHusband]

Have you met this woman? Do you know her IRL?

 

Yes, I agree it is like an addiction. I've never tried cocaine, but maybe this is what it is like.

 

No I don't know her IRL, meaning i have never physically met her. We have texted daily sometimes up to 12 hours for months now. Theres good morning, good nights and a bunch of conversations in between. We have even had some fights, and then made up. We talk about everything, send pics back and forth (some funny, some nudes), most conversations are just about daily life, and then a few times a week it is sexting. It is like being in a relationship in some warped way.

 

Maybe it's time to end this? IDK. I don't want to, neither does she. Maybe it would be better for both of us.... ugh hahaha

[UnsureHusband]

Thank you Popsicle. It does get better. I'm so much better than I was in the end of December.

 

I will be okay not having those intense feelings ever again.

 

Maybe I just need to suck it up and go through the pain.

 

Glad to hear you're doing better!

[UnsureHusband]

and this: but the vow says - to have and to hold. What do you think that means? Sex, touching, kissing, physical needs are as real as a glass of water to a dying person.

 

Finally someone else gets it! I have always felt that people cheat/betray their spouse in many ways--attention to everyone on the list except the spouse. Putting everyones needs ahead of the spouse. Talking on the phone listening to siblings and parents and friends--everyone but their spouse. Tearing someone down instead of building them up. Denying intimacy to the person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with.

Then, when the spouse finds someone to listen, care, enjoy them--everyone wants to know WHY they cheated. They rail and scream about the 'ultimate betrayal'. Hey--it's just sex!! Something that wasn't high on your to do list or a priority when you rejected your spouse in between the sheets!

 

That road to betrayal is littered with many actions. "Cheating" in a Marriage is not only sexual, it can be Any spouse choosing to put your attention and concern and care towards others above your mate which is a rejection of your spouse. Every action has a reaction.

 

Thanks for pointing out the ignore button Popsicle--I think I'm going to need it;)

 

Yes this!!! Thank you for articulating it better than me.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Maybe I just need to suck it up and go through the pain.

 

Glad to hear you're doing better!

 

Well, the texting only things tend to end eventually, but the good part is you don't have to see the other person. They are not "real". I know she exists but you don't have to deal with her in real life Me, I have to see xMM tomorrow morning. It's a never ending series for me.

 

I actually had a conversation about this tonight with H. I said that I was feeling badly that xMM was able to easily walk away while I was stuck. H said I needed to understand that I was just a hole and a heartbeat and xMM never cared about me, he gave several good examples. He said lots of guys were like that, granted usually in high school, not in their 40s, but when a man is in a non-sexual marriage, like xMM, he will do or say anything to get what he wants, p*ssy. H said I guarantee you, text him that you want to meet to get things back on and he will bite. You were not the love of his life but neither is his wife. He doesn't love anyone. He's probably unhappy or maybe not - H was honest in that xMM was so unlike him, he really couldnt' assume he was unhappy. It was possible xMM really was fine.

 

Sorry this has nothing to do with anything. I'm just struggling these few days.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yes, I agree it is like an addiction. I've never tried cocaine, but maybe this is what it is like.

 

No I don't know her IRL, meaning i have never physically met her. We have texted daily sometimes up to 12 hours for months now. Theres good morning, good nights and a bunch of conversations in between. We have even had some fights, and then made up. We talk about everything, send pics back and forth (some funny, some nudes), most conversations are just about daily life, and then a few times a week it is sexting. It is like being in a relationship in some warped way.

 

Maybe it's time to end this? IDK. I don't want to, neither does she. Maybe it would be better for both of us.... ugh hahaha

 

It is a relationship. I agree. And just as powerful and painful.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yeah, it sounds like you were in a very bad place then. My heart goes out to you for that. Don't ever go back there!

 

I won't, I swear it. He used me but I allowed it. Now my eyes are open and I see guys like him coming a mile away. I have a friend who is a divorce lawyer and she put it this way, "no good guy will date a married woman, therefore any guy you are attracting and who is with you, it's a bad relationship headed nowhere." I often think of that.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm having flashbacks of the movie "Casino" where Sam Rothstein wife was in love with another man and he watched her cry and completely melt down but he tried to help his wife thru it (aka clung to her). It didn't end well for anyone in the movie.

 

I guess the thing is, am I really in love with xMM. Sure it feels like it but I *know* that you cannot love someone who only causes you pain. That is not love. It's something else. What, I am not sure.

[UnsureHusband]

Well, the texting only things tend to end eventually, but the good part is you don't have to see the other person. They are not "real". I know she exists but you don't have to deal with her in real life Me, I have to see xMM tomorrow morning. It's a never ending series for me.

 

I actually had a conversation about this tonight with H. I said that I was feeling badly that xMM was able to easily walk away while I was stuck. H said I needed to understand that I was just a hole and a heartbeat and xMM never cared about me, he gave several good examples. He said lots of guys were like that, granted usually in high school, not in their 40s, but when a man is in a non-sexual marriage, like xMM, he will do or say anything to get what he wants, p*ssy. H said I guarantee you, text him that you want to meet to get things back on and he will bite. You were not the love of his life but neither is his wife. He doesn't love anyone. He's probably unhappy or maybe not - H was honest in that xMM was so unlike him, he really couldnt' assume he was unhappy. It was possible xMM really was fine.

 

Sorry this has nothing to do with anything. I'm just struggling these few days.

 

Sorry to hear you're struggling. You've gotten this far, you'll make it through.

 

Thanks for sharing everything. It really does help.

[Babsinhealing]

This is my EXACT situation but the roles are just reversed. Physical touch and sex are something that are just not important to her. I'll almost never try and initiate sex any longer. She will sometimes only because she says "I know you need it." Well, I don't want to be a chore. I want to be wanted. I feel like I am broken for wanting to be touched and wanting sex. It has gotten to the point that i am full of resentment and anger. I see couples that are affectionate with each other and i am very envious. I feel so conflicted about what to do, it makes me sick to my stomach. As I mentioned before, I am 48 and in great shape, but maybe too do I just accept that this is the best I am destined to have? I don't know... It all just hurts.

Unsurehusband- I too have built up resentment towards my H. No one knows what its like unless you've experienced it. That's the ONLY reason I paired up with a married man- I wasn't looking for another relationship. However, those stupid hormones and spending endless hours talking, laughing, laying together all curled up, texting, calling... led to the unthinkable and unfortunately I'm paying the price now that it's ended. It was exactly what I wanted when it came to intimacy, fun, and off the chart experiences. I knew it from the first kiss. He was in the same boat in his marriage so I'm curious to know how that's working out for him, now that the affair is over. So word of warning... Once you get a taste of what it could be - it is soooo hard to go back. When you have true chemistry and a connection with someone, there is nothing better.

[Babsinhealing]

Yes. If you were a huge foodie and took your spouse eating in another's home as betrayal and you stopped keeping food in the house, eventually your spouse would go elsewhere out of starvation. It is no different. Who is more wrong, the person who withheld or the person who went elsewhere? That is not a real question of course.

 

I did see your texting post. Ah, texting. Yes. I had quite the massive withdrawal from xMM after 5 months of texting. We sent 5,000 texts a day. I know this because H told me after looking at the bill. You will find it interesting that my therapist said it is as addictive as cocaine. Texting produces that chemical in your head, dopamine, the feel good chemical, and when you shut off the hits, you go through very real withdrawal. It's actually impossible to know if you really like the person or you are just addicted to the texting highs. Sometimes I would see MM and think, what the heck am I so obsessed about but then we'd be apart again and the obsessive texting would start. I'm not saying you don't like this woman but just keep that in the back of your mind - cocaine.

 

I've obviously spent a good deal reading on all this, in therapy and watching youtube videos to understand what happened to me. I'm right there with you though, there is a part of me that will never be over xMM, especially since I see him, and unlike you, I don't even have a good reason. You can walk away and feel okay about it. You were totally in the right.

 

As for the money stuff and kid angles, I get it, I really do. Kids survive though and ask any of them as adults and they would say they would rather their parents had split instead of staying unhappy. And they also know what is going on. What is the lesson you want to teach your son? If this was him in a loveless marriage, what advice would you give him?

Text withdrawal is brutal- I wish we had Narcan or some injection to make it easier. MyxMM and I texted all day- everyday for 19 months and when that stopped I was distraught. I still trigger when I hear a phone vibrate. I know a lot of it was habit and breaking that habit has been so hard. I'm making progress but my gosh, who knew it could be so difficult!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Text withdrawal is brutal- I wish we had Narcan or some injection to make it easier. MyxMM and I texted all day- everyday for 19 months and when that stopped I was distraught. I still trigger when I hear a phone vibrate. I know a lot of it was habit and breaking that habit has been so hard. I'm making progress but my gosh, who knew it could be so difficult!

 

It is seriously tough. It took me so long to realize he was not going to email or text me. What makes it worse is because we see each other there is a little contact. He will go hot and cold. It's over but at times we communicate, pointless stuff. I will get the "hit" and feel good for a while thinking I am over him, but its just the high from the communication. He used to email me first thing in the morning to last thing at night. I could count on it, like the sun coming up. And when it ended, he was gone, justlikethat. He wanted just an affair, I wanted more. He was happy, I was not.

 

I'm starting to finally accept that I was just there for sex. It's what everyone says, so it must be true.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sorry to hear you're struggling. You've gotten this far, you'll make it through.

 

Thanks for sharing everything. It really does help.

 

Well I am glad. I often feel like a broken record. I will at times feel like I am getting better but then I realize it was a lie. I'm not. Well maybe that is not true. It's been at least a week since I cried. I did not cry tonight talking about MM. That is progress. Usually I bawl.

 

Something else - my good guy friend, he is in marriage like yours and he knows everything I went through, plus he is in the same group as me and MM. Well, there was this woman, he met her and they had this thing 1-2 years ago but he stopped it. But now he is really unhappy, things are bad for him. This woman, also married, texted him to meet tonight. I said, what are you doing. For drinks too. He went and he was supposed to check in with me but I did not hear anything. It's all bad news. I feel what is coming and I will be there to listen but at the same time, I think, thank God I am out of my A. My life is far from perfect but at least I am not heading down the rabbit hole like my friend is. And the thing is, no one listens. I said, you are ripe for an A, please be careful. And he swore he would be, but he also said it was the best sex he ever had. I was like, ew, and then, that's really bad. I can honestly say xMM was on the top 2 worst sex ever.

 

I gues my point is I am changing. I don't find this stuff fun and exciting anymore. Now I feel like its a nightmare in the making.

[Babsinhealing]

It is seriously tough. It took me so long to realize he was not going to email or text me. What makes it worse is because we see each other there is a little contact. He will go hot and cold. It's over but at times we communicate, pointless stuff. I will get the "hit" and feel good for a while thinking I am over him, but its just the high from the communication. He used to email me first thing in the morning to last thing at night. I could count on it, like the sun coming up. And when it ended, he was gone, justlikethat. He wanted just an affair, I wanted more. He was happy, I was not.

 

I'm starting to finally accept that I was just there for sex. It's what everyone says, so it must be true.

I can imagine that is so incredibly hard to still communicate. I don't think I could because my heart would break every time I heard his voice or I looked into his eyes. He use to look at me so deeply- those blue eyes were insane...no one ever did that or had that effect on me and I've had some hot men lol.

 

I don't think you should just surrender to the fact that what everyone says should be true. While there may be similarities, everyone's affair is different. Only you know what you shared and felt. Sometimes you can feel something in the moment and while it may not last, it doesn't mean that it wasn't felt. My xMM wasn't a serial cheater and had one A (me) we shared some incredible moments together. They weren't fake, they really happened and they will always be happy moments/memories. My sadness isn't about the past or wondering -did he or did he not feel the same as me or mean what he said, it's that we can't continue!

[MidnightBlue1980]

I can imagine that is so incredibly hard to still communicate. I don't think I could because my heart would break every time I heard his voice or I looked into his eyes. He use to look at me so deeply- those blue eyes were insane...no one ever did that or had that effect on me and I've had some hot men lol.

 

I don't think you should just surrender to the fact that what everyone says should be true. While there may be similarities, everyone's affair is different. Only you know what you shared and felt. Sometimes you can feel something in the moment and while it may not last, it doesn't mean that it wasn't felt. My xMM wasn't a serial cheater and had one A (me) we shared some incredible moments together. They weren't fake, they really happened and they will always be happy moments/memories. My sadness isn't about the past or wondering -did he or did he not feel the same as me or mean what he said, it's that we can't continue!

 

I didn't want to continue the A. I was the one who ended it. He was willing to have LTA. But the second I finally got him to believe me, he was okay with it and never looked back. And then he told his W a bunch of lies about me.

 

I do wonder at times, should I just have been happy with what I had? But it was half a life. For me, anyway...

[Babsinhealing]

I didn't want to continue the A. I was the one who ended it. He was willing to have LTA. But the second I finally got him to believe me, he was okay with it and never looked back. And then he told his W a bunch of lies about me.

 

I do wonder at times, should I just have been happy with what I had? But it was half a life. For me, anyway...

I ended mine too... I was not happy with how things changed after DD and I was going out of my mind worrying, stressing, pining- I just wanted inner peace again. I was so profoundly sad that we lost what we had and I didn't see anything changing for awhile as his wife fell apart. He needs to focus on fixing his 25 year marriage and I need to heal and move forward.