UnsureHusband Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 Unsurehusband- I too have built up resentment towards my H. No one knows what its like unless you've experienced it. That's the ONLY reason I paired up with a married man- I wasn't looking for another relationship. However, those stupid hormones and spending endless hours talking, laughing, laying together all curled up, texting, calling... led to the unthinkable and unfortunately I'm paying the price now that it's ended. It was exactly what I wanted when it came to intimacy, fun, and off the chart experiences. I knew it from the first kiss. He was in the same boat in his marriage so I'm curious to know how that's working out for him, now that the affair is over. So word of warning... Once you get a taste of what it could be - it is soooo hard to go back. When you have true chemistry and a connection with someone, there is nothing better. I am just living every word of that right now. You're so right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureHusband Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 Well I am glad. I often feel like a broken record. I will at times feel like I am getting better but then I realize it was a lie. I'm not. Well maybe that is not true. It's been at least a week since I cried. I did not cry tonight talking about MM. That is progress. Usually I bawl. That is progress! You're doing great. I'll admit this here since it is anonymous... haha. I am a 6'2 230b muscular guy. And I have been so broken up about this that I cried a few times over it ending. I guess i am not as tough as i thought, but goes to show you us guys do have feeling. We just hide them well sometimes... just sayin'. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Babsinhealing Posted March 15, 2016 Author Share Posted March 15, 2016 I am just living every word of that right now. You're so right. Unsurehusband- question for you... Is your wife the same age as you and how long has she been like this (avoidant to intimacy)? The reasons I ask is because you sound like are a great husband and keep yourself in good shape so I'm curious if her issues are as a result of peri-menopause and not YOU per say. That may be easier to accept, at least easier on your self esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 Babs I think you're being amazingly strong about this. But since he told his wife a pile of lies about you (which I don't doubt) to get what he wanted (reconciliation), don't you think he told you a lot of lies about her too? Wh hinted to mow I was a spoiled sahm who appreciated nothing, which accomplished 2 things, pity and appreciation for hardworking wh, and planting the idea that mow could have the same privileged fantasy life. Btw, that's not the life I lead, but it was impossible to disprove since she wasn't going to see me at home. Keep it up, sounds like you're a tough cookie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Babsinhealing Posted March 15, 2016 Author Share Posted March 15, 2016 Babs I think you're being amazingly strong about this. But since he told his wife a pile of lies about you (which I don't doubt) to get what he wanted (reconciliation), don't you think he told you a lot of lies about her too? Wh hinted to mow I was a spoiled sahm who appreciated nothing, which accomplished 2 things, pity and appreciation for hardworking wh, and planting the idea that mow could have the same privileged fantasy life. Btw, that's not the life I lead, but it was impossible to disprove since she wasn't going to see me at home. Keep it up, sounds like you're a tough cookie. I think you have the wrong person? My xMM didn't tell lies for reconciliation. I ended it and went NC. Unless I'm missing something?! Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureHusband Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 Unsurehusband- question for you... Is your wife the same age as you and how long has she been like this (avoidant to intimacy)? The reasons I ask is because you sound like are a great husband and keep yourself in good shape so I'm curious if her issues are as a result of peri-menopause and not YOU per say. That may be easier to accept, at least easier on your self esteem. She is 46, and no, not in the beginning. Though she was 18 and I was 20 when we started dating. We got married at 21 and 23 respectively, but soon after she started to get that way. I always felt it was because I was not good enough and had to earn the right to be touched or have sex, or that I was broken for needing this. My self esteem is largely intact. I have had women tell me recently that I am attractive and a great dad and husband. Not to mention having this texting thing with a beautiful 28 year old has also boosted my self confidence a bit... haha I think though after 25 years of of ignoring and repressing my needs, I am having a lot of trouble with just continuing the way it is. At the same time i have trouble thinking that my needs are worth wrecking the lives of 3 other people. Link to post Share on other sites
Cymbeline Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 'I think though after 25 years of of ignoring and repressing my needs, I am having a lot of trouble with just continuing the way it is. At the same time i have trouble thinking that my needs are worth wrecking the lives of 3 other people.' Surely your marriage is crying out for sex therapy? Your comment earlier about your texting-only relationship giving you 'a taste of what life could be' suggests to me that you are not quite standing on psychological terra firma. Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureHusband Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 'I think though after 25 years of of ignoring and repressing my needs, I am having a lot of trouble with just continuing the way it is. At the same time i have trouble thinking that my needs are worth wrecking the lives of 3 other people.' Surely your marriage is crying out for sex therapy? Your comment earlier about your texting-only relationship giving you 'a taste of what life could be' suggests to me that you are not quite standing on psychological terra firma. Thanks, I never said any of this was rational, did i? I have tried to discuss the situation calmly, but all i get is "I am the way I am." Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 She is 46, and no, not in the beginning. Though she was 18 and I was 20 when we started dating. We got married at 21 and 23 respectively, but soon after she started to get that way. I always felt it was because I was not good enough and had to earn the right to be touched or have sex, or that I was broken for needing this. My self esteem is largely intact. I have had women tell me recently that I am attractive and a great dad and husband. Not to mention having this texting thing with a beautiful 28 year old has also boosted my self confidence a bit... haha I think though after 25 years of of ignoring and repressing my needs, I am having a lot of trouble with just continuing the way it is. At the same time i have trouble thinking that my needs are worth wrecking the lives of 3 other people. (((UnsureHusband))) I have read, in the Marriage section here, a lot of loveless marriages start this way. It seems a lot of women will portray someone they are not (oversexual) to get the man so to speak. Once they get married the sex and intimacy stops for no apparent reason. My sex drive didn't take a beating until after I had my first child and my WH did not help me in any way. In fact he went out at night with friends while I cared for the baby. His negligence of me and the baby led to me resenting him and eventually not really care about sex the way he did. In fact there were times I was repulsed by him. This is why I am always an advocate for BS's when their WS says these things because often I think it is the WS who neglects the M which leads towards the BS withdrawing emotionally and often times physically. In your M I am wondering if it is a case of mismatched libidos? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 Well I am glad. I often feel like a broken record. I will at times feel like I am getting better but then I realize it was a lie. I'm not. Well maybe that is not true. It's been at least a week since I cried. I did not cry tonight talking about MM. That is progress. Usually I bawl. Something else - my good guy friend, he is in marriage like yours and he knows everything I went through, plus he is in the same group as me and MM. Well, there was this woman, he met her and they had this thing 1-2 years ago but he stopped it. But now he is really unhappy, things are bad for him. This woman, also married, texted him to meet tonight. I said, what are you doing. For drinks too. He went and he was supposed to check in with me but I did not hear anything. It's all bad news. I feel what is coming and I will be there to listen but at the same time, I think, thank God I am out of my A. My life is far from perfect but at least I am not heading down the rabbit hole like my friend is. And the thing is, no one listens. I said, you are ripe for an A, please be careful. And he swore he would be, but he also said it was the best sex he ever had. I was like, ew, and then, that's really bad. I can honestly say xMM was on the top 2 worst sex ever. I gues my point is I am changing. I don't find this stuff fun and exciting anymore. Now I feel like its a nightmare in the making. Right?! Sex with AP's is not always what it is cracked up to be. Sex with my xOM was the worst ever, whereas my WH is the best I've ever had. What xOM did give me was an emotional connection, which is what has been and still continues to be missing in my broken M. (((MidnightBlue1980))) (((Babsinhealing))) you ladies will get through this! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 She is 46, and no, not in the beginning. Though she was 18 and I was 20 when we started dating. We got married at 21 and 23 respectively, but soon after she started to get that way. I always felt it was because I was not good enough and had to earn the right to be touched or have sex, or that I was broken for needing this. My self esteem is largely intact. I have had women tell me recently that I am attractive and a great dad and husband. Not to mention having this texting thing with a beautiful 28 year old has also boosted my self confidence a bit... haha I think though after 25 years of of ignoring and repressing my needs, I am having a lot of trouble with just continuing the way it is. At the same time i have trouble thinking that my needs are worth wrecking the lives of 3 other people. If you stop talking to the OW (complete NC) you will go back to normal. "Normal" meaning how you were used to and tolerated okay before the affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureHusband Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 (((UnsureHusband))) I have read, in the Marriage section here, a lot of loveless marriages start this way. It seems a lot of women will portray someone they are not (oversexual) to get the man so to speak. Once they get married the sex and intimacy stops for no apparent reason. My sex drive didn't take a beating until after I had my first child and my WH did not help me in any way. In fact he went out at night with friends while I cared for the baby. His negligence of me and the baby led to me resenting him and eventually not really care about sex the way he did. In fact there were times I was repulsed by him. This is why I am always an advocate for BS's when their WS says these things because often I think it is the WS who neglects the M which leads towards the BS withdrawing emotionally and often times physically. In your M I am wondering if it is a case of mismatched libidos? That could be it, and that is why i am tempted to just try and suck it up and realize i just have to learn to accept and deal with. She has no desire to change it. On the other hand, a friend asked, if it were not for the fact I still have one child that's a minor, would I still be there? The answer is no, i would have left. i care for her because of our history, but all i get from our relationship is stress. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureHusband Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 If you stop talking to the OW (complete NC) you will go back to normal. "Normal" meaning how you were used to and tolerated okay before the affair. Wow... BRUTAL. But you're right. haha 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 If you stop talking to the OW (complete NC) you will go back to normal. "Normal" meaning how you were used to and tolerated okay before the affair. Isn't there something, well, sad about that? I am mourning the loss of my high sex drive during the A (and this is as the OW). My previous LTR made me think that my sex drive had just become low for whatever reason... and I had all sorts of excuses that I would tell him and myself. Then with MM it was the highest it's ever been. When we went into NC it fell off a cliff, so i went back to my previous "normal." Part of what I'm struggling with now is the desire to reclaim that high sex drive, but it's not something I can just snap my fingers and conjure up. Hopefully I find a single guy soon who does it for me . Just my two cents, but if I was resigning myself to going back to a marriage where I knew there could be no improvement with the sex, recovery would be MUCH harder. I hope for your sake that perhaps you're mistaken about there being no potential for eventual improvement with your wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 Isn't there something, well, sad about that? I am mourning the loss of my high sex drive during the A (and this is as the OW). My previous LTR made me think that my sex drive had just become low for whatever reason... and I had all sorts of excuses that I would tell him and myself. Then with MM it was the highest it's ever been. When we went into NC it fell off a cliff, so i went back to my previous "normal." Part of what I'm struggling with now is the desire to reclaim that high sex drive, but it's not something I can just snap my fingers and conjure up. Hopefully I find a single guy soon who does it for me . Just my two cents, but if I was resigning myself to going back to a marriage where I knew there could be no improvement with the sex, recovery would be MUCH harder. I hope for your sake that perhaps you're mistaken about there being no potential for eventual improvement with your wife. The difference between UnsureHusband and you, lemondrop, is that UnsureHusband is married right NOW and wants to stay married. There is no marriage that you are trying to keep so you can cry over these feelings more and explore them and an outside solution more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cymbeline Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 Have you sat her down and really told her just how desperate you feel? If she says you are an adequate lover, so the problem isn't you, then she needs to know her marriage depends upon her cooperation in this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureHusband Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 The difference between UnsureHusband and you, lemondrop, is that UnsureHusband is married right NOW and wants to stay married. There is no marriage that you are trying to keep so you can cry over these feelings more and explore them and an outside solution more. I have not decided that I want to stay married. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 I have not decided that I want to stay married. I think in time you will but like I said you'd have to stop talking to the OW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Babsinhealing Posted March 15, 2016 Author Share Posted March 15, 2016 She is 46, and no, not in the beginning. Though she was 18 and I was 20 when we started dating. We got married at 21 and 23 respectively, but soon after she started to get that way. I always felt it was because I was not good enough and had to earn the right to be touched or have sex, or that I was broken for needing this. My self esteem is largely intact. I have had women tell me recently that I am attractive and a great dad and husband. Not to mention having this texting thing with a beautiful 28 year old has also boosted my self confidence a bit... haha I think though after 25 years of of ignoring and repressing my needs, I am having a lot of trouble with just continuing the way it is. At the same time i have trouble thinking that my needs are worth wrecking the lives of 3 other people. Unsurehusband- plenty of people get divorced without destroying lives. If you lack intimacy with your wife your kids see that and they may model that in their own future relationships. Also, your wife changed the rules on you by deciding sex/intimacy wasn't important in your marriage and a roommate situation is her preference so she shouldn't be surprised if you left the marriage. She may be happier to be able to live a sexless life (sounds like torture to me) without someone pawing at her and your kids may love to see you happy again. Just another way to look at it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Babsinhealing Posted March 16, 2016 Author Share Posted March 16, 2016 Right?! Sex with AP's is not always what it is cracked up to be. Sex with my xOM was the worst ever, whereas my WH is the best I've ever had. What xOM did give me was an emotional connection, which is what has been and still continues to be missing in my broken M. (((MidnightBlue1980))) (((Babsinhealing))) you ladies will get through this! It's funny how affairs fulfill different needs and voids- sex with my xMM was off the charts- best ever. Whereas I would rather a route canal than with my H. I didn't want the Emotional affair- I was looking to fill a physical void- but I ended up with both with xMM. I wanted to keep it just physical but the more time we spent together, the more I loved being around him. He was funny and smart and sweet and we really enjoyed each other's company. Link to post Share on other sites
Grey Cloud Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 It's funny how affairs fulfill different needs and voids- sex with my xMM was off the charts- best ever. Whereas I would rather a route canal than with my H. I didn't want the Emotional affair- I was looking to fill a physical void- but I ended up with both with xMM. I wanted to keep it just physical but the more time we spent together, the more I loved being around him. He was funny and smart and sweet and we really enjoyed each other's company. I have to agree with Lady Designer and Midnight - sex with my xAP was disappointing! I think he largely fulfilled the emotional component for me. But physically it was lacking something - intimacy/creativity/passion. And it was over in a flash, hardly worth it at all. He was such an amazing kisser I assumed everything else would be perfect too. I wish I told him he was a dud in the sack! Instead I made out it was really good for me too as I didn't want to hurt his feelings and also in the affair fog I somehow convinced myself it was wonderful. Total red flag that I ignored. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 Babs I think you're being amazingly strong about this. But since he told his wife a pile of lies about you (which I don't doubt) to get what he wanted (reconciliation), don't you think he told you a lot of lies about her too? Wh hinted to mow I was a spoiled sahm who appreciated nothing, which accomplished 2 things, pity and appreciation for hardworking wh, and planting the idea that mow could have the same privileged fantasy life. Btw, that's not the life I lead, but it was impossible to disprove since she wasn't going to see me at home. Keep it up, sounds like you're a tough cookie. I think you mean me and yes, I learned that he did say a lot of lies about her. In the beginning he told me she said she didnt want to try to have sex anymore, that she was done with him and it had been 3 years. Later I would learn she did say that only because he could not get an erection and she grew tired of feeling rejected sexually and for the last 3 years he hid and jerked off in private so she continued to thought he had ED. The truth is that it is him. He is just not attracted to her, has not been for 10 years. And at a certain age, it just does not work for the wrong woman (so he says, I don't have a penis). She knows all this now as my H told her when she called him saying I was a crazy person harrassing her poor H. His W is overweight and not attractive but she's not that bad, xMM just is not into her and she is aware of it. He has told me they are working on their marriage and I did ask him (bc I am so nosy) did you do the deed yet and he said no, not yet. I don't get it but they both chose to remain in that marriage. It's their choice really, not my business. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 That is progress! You're doing great. I'll admit this here since it is anonymous... haha. I am a 6'2 230b muscular guy. And I have been so broken up about this that I cried a few times over it ending. I guess i am not as tough as i thought, but goes to show you us guys do have feeling. We just hide them well sometimes... just sayin'. Awe! I like that, I admit it. It's good to have feelings. I will say I saw xMM today and he looks bad, like he aged 10 years. Its good to let it out. Keep it inside and it will kill you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 << moderator note: The thread-starter began a new thread, and since this one was quite long, instead of merging, we are providing links in each thread and closing this one up >> New thread is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/574662-my-new-reality-after-my-affair-ended ~6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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