Am I a bad person?

[Strugglingandlost]

I posted on here a while ago and I guess I know what you are going to say but I feel so alone. I've tried to end it and rebuild my life. Constantly blocking him/enforcing no contact and for a while I really managed it. I broke off an engagement for this man 4 years ago and since then he has just sent me into spins and kicked out any chance of another relationship. He will just pull me back in just to push me away again. I've finally got back on my feet financially after leaving my fiancée and bought my own home. However my work has suffered from all the turmoil and I've managed to keep up my performance (God knows how) but my reputation and my mood swings etc are so affected. People think different of me as they used to and it's killing me. I don't know what he's turned me into but I hate myself. All he does now is accuse me of being with other men. He plays mind games, blames is all on me. God I know I'm not making sense here. There's too much to write. But he's made me hate myself, and I really do. That I'm a bad person and that its all my fault and he doesn't want to be with me because of the way I behave. I just want to run away. I have literally nothing. He's strips everything I have away. How can he sleep at night? How can he continue to do this to me and why cant I let go? I try to block etc but it just makes it worse. I never know what he is going to do next. But it never goes away. He just wants to be in control and to know that any man if I ever manage to date anyone else will not be as good as him. He literally said that to me today. I know I shouldn't have spoken to him but I got in from work at 1am, I have worked day and night last week and weekend straight. I was so tired and weak and just fell for it. Now he thinks he's in control and I'm angry and want to take it back. But I also know I'll regret being angry. How can I let go of this and get my control back? I think I really need to let go emotionally and not be in love with him. Then I won't care. But how can I do that? If I block him he just plays different games. And even after all that, I HATE myslef. So what's the point.

[ladydesigner]

Omg no you are not a bad person. Your MM sounds like a narcissist. He is the one behaving badly, by constantly sucking you back in when he needs it. HE is the one who is married. He is trying to control you by breaking you down. I am a BS but my WH acts the way you have described. I'm sorry you are hurting. Can you change your phone number? What about a restraining order? Don't talk or engage with him at all. He is toxic to everyone around him and really deserves to be alone. Your post made me so mad for you! He has no right to say you are a bad person when he is acting like a monster! The nerve!

[Strugglingandlost]

More than just an narcissist, he is incredibly insecure. I've come to the conclusion that if it's just about control and knowing he could have me if he wanted me, then it's not real love. No matter how much he declares it is. But as soon as I try to accept that and move on - to people plainly better and more attractive than him! - he sticks the knife in again to pull me back! It's so cruel!! It's just going round and round the same circle.

 

Can you get a restraining order when he doesn't know where I live anymore? So it's just on the phone? He used to turn up but I managed to move away and not tell him where I am. Although he has found out the village and it's very small so he could find my car.

 

Should I text him and tell him to leave me alone and say how he's made me feel or just you leave it? And try not to respond.

[OneLov]

Like ladyD said,

 

You need to go absolute NC. That means resorting to changing your number if you cannot help answering his calls. An indication of his online presence on social media is contact. Please block him.

 

I know this is hard, but it is the only way you will begin to heal. Every bit of contact will make it harder to heal. If you resort to strong measures, you will get successful results. I promise you.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting; the healing will still take time. However, it cannot begin until NC is established.

 

I wish you the best,

OL

[ladydesigner]

More than just an narcissist, he is incredibly insecure. I've come to the conclusion that if it's just about control and knowing he could have me if he wanted me, then it's not real love. No matter how much he declares it is. But as soon as I try to accept that and move on - to people plainly better and more attractive than him! - he sticks the knife in again to pull me back! It's so cruel!! It's just going round and round the same circle.

 

Can you get a restraining order when he doesn't know where I live anymore? So it's just on the phone? He used to turn up but I managed to move away and not tell him where I am. Although he has found out the village and it's very small so he could find my car.

 

Should I text him and tell him to leave me alone and say how he's made me feel or just you leave it? And try not to respond.

 

I'm not sure what needs to be done as far as restraining order, but I think if you report that you have asked him to stop contacting you and I consider that harassment then there should be a way for it to stop. If he is actually showing up, that is considered stalking if you have ended it.

 

You have to go NC to save yourself. You will be okay, just get through each day and each emotion. Eventually you will come out the other side and wonder why you didn't do it sooner!

 

Best of luck to you, you deserve so much better!

[Strugglingandlost]

Thanks so much. I will my best to establish NC - again- and start - again. I have to rid the thoughts of him from my mind and forget he exists. But when I do this he accuses me of not caring... No matter what I do I can't win.

 

However much I don't want to believe it, he is probably playing the same game with his wife - I.e making her believe it's all her fault. He's tried to leave 4 times now and just telling her that he doesn't love her. I can't believe all that rubbish anymore. I have no evidence that it is true. Just what he says and insists.

 

I have a chance to get out of this situation and I will do my best to. I just cannot believe their are people out there that behave like this and treat people this way. I could never do such a thing.

 

I just hope I haven't damaged my life and career too much beyond recovery. My biggest fear is that I will now lose my job and my house which I've worked so hard to achieve. And win back just a piece of my life when he took the rest away. Well actually, I did all that myself. It's all my fault. I was the stupid one to ever get into this situation

[sandylee1]

Have you tried therapy?

 

You need the strength to see him as a useless specimen who doesn't deserve the time of day.

 

Focus on your work.. meet new people..take up a hobby to distract you from thoughts of him. He's allowed you to drop your fiancé ...how much more of your life do you want him to ruin.

 

Take control. ... BLOCK AND IGNORE him. Keep telling yourself he's a mental patient.....and remember that it's not wise to engage with lunatics like him. Make like he's invisible

[whichwayisup]

You're smart now. You know he's messed up and NOT someone you want in your life. Focus on that, rather than beating up on yourself. Yes you made a big mistake by getting involved with him, but now you have the power to trust your instincts, be strong and make yourself disappear from his life. Change your numbers, cell and home, change your email address. Block him on all social media.

 

Consider counseling to help you cope with this in a healthy way so you won't let him ruin you and your life.

[Satu]

*I really need to let go emotionally and not be in love with him. Then I won't care. But how can I do that? If I block him he just plays different games. And even after all that, I HATE myslef. So what's the point.

 

*It's not love.

 

It's a highly dysfunctional attachment state.

[13Hearts]

I have been in situations such as you describe. This person you have been with is a very dysfunctional, very toxic person. He is an abuser and you are being abused. You recognize and fear the damage he has caused, and will cause, to you and your life, yet you seem helpless to do anything about it. You need to get smart here, before it is too late. You need to ask someone for help, whether that is a therapist, doctor, abuse hotline, or even your employer if need be. Do you have any friends or family who can help you?

 

You have to take responsibility for yourself here. Will you stand idly by while this man destroys your life?

[HereNorThere]

We don't really have a standard or baseline to establish whether or not you are bad person so I can't really help you there. Why don't we just settle on a "person doing bad things" for now.

 

People aren't out to get you, they are just being realistic. Men and women fiercely guard their companions (even if isn't obvious at first) and they will always react when there's a rooster in in the hen house. People who don't respect boundaries are dangerous, so you can't really blame them. One day you'll have a real relationship and you'll see how it is. Trust me, it's a hard world to navigate. Everyone is constantly being told to trust, trust, trust, but there's situation like yours where the partners are untrustworthy. I think you'll understand one day.

 

How did his wife react when you exposed the affair? Was that not enough to keep him from contacting you? What did your no contact letter say? Was it hard to change your phone number or did your carrier make it easy? How was the email address change? I've always wondered if they would just keep trying different combinations of your name and the @ symbol until they figure out the new one. Good thing you deactivated Facebook so he can't keep trying email address there to find you.

 

If you want to get rid of a person, you get rid of them. Look around the dating forum and you'll see how easy it is for someone to simply vanish or ghost on you.

 

You'll be done when you're done, but you aren't now. When you are, you won't have to worry about any of this. It continues now because shutting the door means letting go of the relationship and that doesn't seem like something you are willing to do. - Think about that.

Edited March 9, 2016 by HereNorThere

[Lady2163]

Being the Other is tough, By most societal standards what we are doing is viewed as wrong. It can be soul sucking and damaging to the psyche.

 

Recovering from being an Other is brutal for reasons that are mentioned on other posts. I almost think it takes longer than ending a "normal" relationship.

 

But, I will tell you straight up, I was in an abusive relationship for 13 months - 16 years ago. I still carry the emotional scars from that. It did horrible damage and changed my forever. I've always been a bit naive, in spite of everything I've done in my life (military service - combat support during wartime, been an Other too many times). Yet, the emotional abuse I suffered for 13 months, took ,y innocence. It made me cynical and extremely distrustful of EVERYONE. I'm not saying I am still a mess 16 years later, but I am changed and damaged.

 

So, the longer you stay with this man, the longer you will sacrifice your mental health. You won't be able to recover and bounce back, and you won't really grasp why. You won't be any good to anyone else - until you are truly good to yourself.

[Marc878]

I have no idea from your info if you're a bad person or not. I suspect not.

 

However, you are the problem here not him. He's just taking what you're giving.

 

You should know this by now.

 

Pull up your big girl panties, block him, change your number and move on.

 

You and you alone are responsible for your life.