Unstable roommate/friend--- !

[nutcracker]

Hey everyone, I apologize for this really long post, but this is something I needed to get off my chest.

 

So I got a new roommate about 6 weeks ago, she is a friend of a friend. My friend warned me that she can be a little "weird" at times to live with, as in one needs to take care of her and put up with some of her eccentricities. At the time I was in a desperate situation and thought it was a pretty harmless drawback that I could live with. Now I'm not so sure.

 

Although we quickly became friends over the first few days, noticing some similarities, I realized my friend was right. She is quite unstable emotionally, and as far as relationships are concerned, she has been in and out of breakups and most of the time I become her rock (with her most recent one). Then she got pregnant recently, and this was going to be her 4th abortion, so I spent the next few nights sitting with her and assuring her I was there to walk her through this. Now she has become very dependent and even if I don't talk to her for a second she compares me with all the "others" who have been mean to her. Then when I try defending myself, she says since she's pregnant I will have to get used to this.

 

Even when we go out, she sometimes behaves very eccentrically. Peeing in public, getting very drunk and yelling/screaming---these may seem pretty harmless but I feel more and more that I have to keep guard than be her friend. I am under a lot of stress myself from searching for a job and I just can't deal with this drama.

 

She also keeps telling me she wants to help her change. As in losing weight, becoming more responsible financially, etc. But she does not take the first step herself and can be awfully fickle minded, which is when I let things go. But then the blame comes back to me, that I did not stop her from spending/eating/whatever.

 

Anyway, I would really be glad for some pointers. If you feel I'm being unsympathetic/impatient, trust me, I'm trying my best here.

[preraph]

She needs professional help, not any help you can do. Any help you do will likely only be enabling her.

 

First of all, I am pro-choice, but there's no excuse for four abortions. If I was going to influence her to do one single thing, it would be to get her tubes tied or get her on birth control pills. Unfortunately, I am assuming she is too disorganized and irresponsible to even remember to take them since she is apparently too unorganized to have gotten them to begin with instead of relying upon abortion as her regular birth control. At least she agrees she has no business with a kid, though. Birth control pills don't cost much at all.

 

She should spend the money she's spending on abortions going to a psychiatrist. She sounds really messed up and mental. You can't do anything except be drained by her as long as she's like that. Don't put yourself through it. Tell her ifs he gets on birth control and starts seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist to address her issues, you'll encourage her. But if she doesn't, there's nothing more you can do.

[nutcracker]

She needs professional help, not any help you can do. Any help you do will likely only be enabling her.

 

First of all, I am pro-choice, but there's no excuse for four abortions. If I was going to influence her to do one single thing, it would be to get her tubes tied or get her on birth control pills. Unfortunately, I am assuming she is too disorganized and irresponsible to even remember to take them since she is apparently too unorganized to have gotten them to begin with instead of relying upon abortion as her regular birth control. At least she agrees she has no business with a kid, though. Birth control pills don't cost much at all.

 

She should spend the money she's spending on abortions going to a psychiatrist. She sounds really messed up and mental. You can't do anything except be drained by her as long as she's like that. Don't put yourself through it. Tell her ifs he gets on birth control and starts seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist to address her issues, you'll encourage her. But if she doesn't, there's nothing more you can do.

 

It's true she needs professional help. Only, she has already been through professional help, put on medication, the whole nine yards. Does not look like anything has changed. Initially, she seemed mature and sorted contrary to what I had heard about her, but the night she learned she was pregnant, I cannot help but think she is irresponsible to the core.

 

Now she is blaming the dad for not being there for her and says karma will bite him. Now I agree that this is the time she needs him, its a sensitive situation and he should buckle up. But where is her responsibility here? Makes it very hard for me to empathize.

 

Anyway, right now my head is really heavy with all her stuff. I'm sure she thinks I have gone from being the sympathetic listener to one who doesn't care.

[preraph]

It's true she needs professional help. Only, she has already been through professional help, put on medication, the whole nine yards. Does not look like anything has changed. Initially, she seemed mature and sorted contrary to what I had heard about her, but the night she learned she was pregnant, I cannot help but think she is irresponsible to the core.

 

Now she is blaming the dad for not being there for her and says karma will bite him. Now I agree that this is the time she needs him, its a sensitive situation and he should buckle up. But where is her responsibility here? Makes it very hard for me to empathize.

 

Anyway, right now my head is really heavy with all her stuff. I'm sure she thinks I have gone from being the sympathetic listener to one who doesn't care.

 

No one could have much sympathy for her because she's been very irresponsible. Now, of course mental illness is awful, but what do you suppose the chances are she actually took her medication as prescribed, given that she is so scattered out that she is using abortion as birth control. The sad fact and major conundrum in the psychiatric world is that approximately 85 percent of patients do not take their medicine correctly unless they are institutionalize and forced to. So even if it had a chance of working, it can't because they are either too disorganized to do it right or, in many cases, simply do not want to, do not admit they have a problem and instead blame the rest of the world, as your friend here is doing.

 

I don't know what her condition is, but if it's not under control, she is just going to drain you emotionally. You can't let people take you down with them and addicts and mentally ill people will do that if you don't clear out. It would be different if you could help her, but you can't.

 

If you want to try to convince her, you can try, but I doubt it will bear fruit. There are many different medicines and many different combinations. If she's open to it, you could tell her to report to her psychiatrist this one is not helping and let him try another. I am going to bet she is totally resistant to getting help though, because of her track record with birth control....

[nutcracker]

No one could have much sympathy for her because she's been very irresponsible. Now, of course mental illness is awful, but what do you suppose the chances are she actually took her medication as prescribed, given that she is so scattered out that she is using abortion as birth control. The sad fact and major conundrum in the psychiatric world is that approximately 85 percent of patients do not take their medicine correctly unless they are institutionalize and forced to. So even if it had a chance of working, it can't because they are either too disorganized to do it right or, in many cases, simply do not want to, do not admit they have a problem and instead blame the rest of the world, as your friend here is doing.

 

I don't know what her condition is, but if it's not under control, she is just going to drain you emotionally. You can't let people take you down with them and addicts and mentally ill people will do that if you don't clear out. It would be different if you could help her, but you can't.

 

If you want to try to convince her, you can try, but I doubt it will bear fruit. There are many different medicines and many different combinations. If she's open to it, you could tell her to report to her psychiatrist this one is not helping and let him try another. I am going to bet she is totally resistant to getting help though, because of her track record with birth control....

 

I agree with you. I am not going to convince her to get help, but probably just throw that in there. It's just hard to believe her now. She says she has ADHD which is why most of the time she doesn't listen to/hear what I am saying, when I'm just telling her something casual. I'm not sure how true that is.

 

Well the last she got pregnant, I had helped her buy birth control (she does not have insurance) but it was almost 2 days after she had sex. Now frankly, I don't know how BC works (never been on it), but I did think you have to take it immediately to be safe. It's times like these where although I'm 25 and she's 27, I feel like the older one.

[Ferret]

I can feel your pain OP I also have had a "friend" roommate move in with us recently and its a struggle as she also has some mental illness is yours suppose to be on meds? ours is but she chooses not to so that creates some issues when her illness decides to rear up..mine also uses her illness as a excuse for poor behavior and she will try to be manipulative.

 

That puts me in a spot as I don't want to be a "bad friend" but we have to draw the line some were. And im slowly getting to that point im starting to separate the fact shes a renter from the fact shes a friend in my head and it seams to be helping. And also the fact that even tho they may have a sickness we don't have to except all the excuses for the rotten behavior!

 

Some of the stuff you are talking about is just crazy! you shouldn't have to buy her birth control they have free birth control available im pretty sure some were and besides if shes on her 4th abortion I wouldn't be cause shes clearly not going to use it. Every one can make a mistake but 4 times? that's just a play for attention if you ask me.

 

And OMG the peeing and yelling in public? that's just disgusting..I know its really hard but you should start quietly looking for a new roommate and when you find a replacement just tell her its not working out and you are sorry it sounds like you just don't need this kind of stress at the moment..

[preraph]

Well, the traditional birth control pill, you take one every day (or sometimes 25 days a month). You can't forget them and expect them to work. But they also have patches and depending what country you live, morning after pills. Birth control pills, the traditional kind are very inexpensive.

[nutcracker]

I can feel your pain OP I also have had a "friend" roommate move in with us recently and its a struggle as she also has some mental illness is yours suppose to be on meds? ours is but she chooses not to so that creates some issues when her illness decides to rear up..mine also uses her illness as a excuse for poor behavior and she will try to be manipulative.

 

That puts me in a spot as I don't want to be a "bad friend" but we have to draw the line some were. And im slowly getting to that point im starting to separate the fact shes a renter from the fact shes a friend in my head and it seams to be helping. And also the fact that even tho they may have a sickness we don't have to except all the excuses for the rotten behavior!

 

Some of the stuff you are talking about is just crazy! you shouldn't have to buy her birth control they have free birth control available im pretty sure some were and besides if shes on her 4th abortion I wouldn't be cause shes clearly not going to use it. Every one can make a mistake but 4 times? that's just a play for attention if you ask me.

 

And OMG the peeing and yelling in public? that's just disgusting..I know its really hard but you should start quietly looking for a new roommate and when you find a replacement just tell her its not working out and you are sorry it sounds like you just don't need this kind of stress at the moment..

 

Hi Ferret,

I'm sorry you have to go through a similar situation. I should have made it clear when I said "I buy her birth control": It meant I buy her using my insurance but she pays me back. And I guess the birth control was actually a Plan B. Like I said, I'm a little ignorant about BC so I'm not sure if they're the same thing.

 

The yelling is mostly when she gets drunk, but she chooses to pee behind bushes whenever she wants, saying its "liberating". I find it downright nasty and unhygienic. She once tried to do it when she and I were with her guy friend, and it was uncomfortable standing around with him when she ran off behind a little structure on a sidewalk. I hardly knew him.

 

I guess I have really had it.

[nutcracker]

Well, the traditional birth control pill, you take one every day (or sometimes 25 days a month). You can't forget them and expect them to work. But they also have patches and depending what country you live, morning after pills. Birth control pills, the traditional kind are very inexpensive.

 

I get it. Well she took a morning after (Plan B) pill, only two mornings after. And she said she was on antidepressants and sleeping pills while she took it so I'm not sure if they interacted.

 

All I can say is, most of her problems are things she has had a significant contribution to. I have been through a lot myself, and went through most of it alone, so I did not want to desert her. But you can only be there for someone who owns up to their half of the problem, and who doesn't repeat the same mistake over and over again.

[Ferret]

Well, the traditional birth control pill, you take one every day (or sometimes 25 days a month). You can't forget them and expect them to work. But they also have patches and depending what country you live, morning after pills. Birth control pills, the traditional kind are very inexpensive.

 

There is also a once a month shot they often give it to unstable teens I don't know how much it is but if this women is as unstable as she seams maybe some one can help her in the right direction for it the girl I knew back then didn't have any money so it must be subsidized some how..least that one is much closer to a sure thing given she shows up for the shot.

 

Hi Ferret,

I'm sorry you have to go through a similar situation. I should have made it clear when I said "I buy her birth control": It meant I buy her using my insurance but she pays me back. And I guess the birth control was actually a Plan B. Like I said, I'm a little ignorant about BC so I'm not sure if they're the same thing.

 

The yelling is mostly when she gets drunk, but she chooses to pee behind bushes whenever she wants, saying its "liberating". I find it downright nasty and unhygienic. She once tried to do it when she and I were with her guy friend, and it was uncomfortable standing around with him when she ran off behind a little structure on a sidewalk. I hardly knew him.

 

I guess I have really had it.

 

Thanks..its a adjustment im learning how to not allow myself to be a doormat day by day as this girl was a friend before a roommate..least yours wasn't so maybe it might be a little easier to cut the ties..it really sounds like you should that's not "liberating" its foul like you said and prob illegal if she gets caut doing it in the wrong place..what kinda guy sleeps with a women like that >.< gross..

[Bee4Shine]

You are not unsympathetic nor impatient. In fact you are trying to help her. The problem is we cannot do for someone what they need to do for them self. When you find yourself working harder to improve her situation than she is working, then you have become an enabler rather than a help. It also seems that she is in a cycle of behavior that is going to not only put her in worsening situations but drag you down as well. Boundaries are a good idea. Can you develop a way of talking to her? Tell her that you care, and you are willing to help but that she needs to take steps forward and follow through too. When she accuses you of being like the others, remind her that you care, and part of caring is encouraging her to stand on her own. It seems that she is thinking that if people do not do what she wants in the way she wants it, then she labels them and uncaring.

 

Don't try to remove the consequences of her behaviors. Don't try to fix her problems. Stand by her with encouraging words and wise advice, but let her take the steps towards improvement.

[nutcracker]

You are not unsympathetic nor impatient. In fact you are trying to help her. The problem is we cannot do for someone what they need to do for them self. When you find yourself working harder to improve her situation than she is working, then you have become an enabler rather than a help. It also seems that she is in a cycle of behavior that is going to not only put her in worsening situations but drag you down as well. Boundaries are a good idea. Can you develop a way of talking to her? Tell her that you care, and you are willing to help but that she needs to take steps forward and follow through too. When she accuses you of being like the others, remind her that you care, and part of caring is encouraging her to stand on her own. It seems that she is thinking that if people do not do what she wants in the way she wants it, then she labels them and uncaring.

 

Don't try to remove the consequences of her behaviors. Don't try to fix her problems. Stand by her with encouraging words and wise advice, but let her take the steps towards improvement.

 

Thanks Bee4Shine, I am trying to be encouraging, but day by day, it's getting difficult.

The other day, she told me that she had talked about her pregnancy to about 4-5 people, out of which 1 or 2 people were guys she had been introduced to by her best friend a few days ago. Now its really none of my business what she does with her private life, but apparently her best friend lashed out on her for her choices and for sharing these stuff. She told me how both her best friends were angry with her for different reasons, and how she got support from people like me and her guy friend, where she least expected it.

 

That got me thinking. I normally would have kept my mouth shut, but I said it might have been easier for me and the guy to support her because we have no history together, so its easier for us to feel empathy. On the other hand, her friends have known her for so long, that they see a pattern in her mistakes and can't empathize with her.

 

She did not let me finish saying that because she knew what was coming, and I think deep down she knew she was wrong. And today I learned that they had had unprotected sex which is why she got pregnant. I think I lost probably even the ounce of sympathy I had. She was thinking of keeping the baby (she does not have a job) and wants to call her ex-boyfriend over for the abortion because she wants him to feel the guilt of killing their child. I really don't think I'm capable of sympathy any more. At this point, if someone can feel sympathetic towards her, I would really admire them.

[Ferret]

She was thinking of keeping the baby (she does not have a job) and wants to call her ex-boyfriend over for the abortion because she wants him to feel the guilt of killing their child..

 

Jesus talk about attention seeking..ether go and get the procedure done or don't its not a big joke im sorry but I think after a women has more then a few abortions the tubes should automatically get tired it would be the humain thing to do for her and the kids you need to get her packed and moving op just saying..

[nutcracker]

Jesus talk about attention seeking..ether go and get the procedure done or don't its not a big joke im sorry but I think after a women has more then a few abortions the tubes should automatically get tired it would be the humain thing to do for her and the kids you need to get her packed and moving op just saying..

 

Attention seeking is right. I decided I am going to tell her about moving out in another month or so. I feel guilty about sharing this with mutual friends because it would mean putting her personal life out there so I had to share it here.

[Ferret]

Attention seeking is right. I decided I am going to tell her about moving out in another month or so. I feel guilty about sharing this with mutual friends because it would mean putting her personal life out there so I had to share it here.

 

Fair enough but it sounds like shes already sharing it all to the world anyways..lol

[nutcracker]

Fair enough but it sounds like shes already sharing it all to the world anyways..lol

 

I guess she shared it with a couple of friends of hers. I really don't want to comment on her choice to share it with people.

 

Day by day, I just feel I'm getting more and more intolerant. The father is a guy she was in a relationship with her for two months, and she had met him on one of those arranged marriage websites. His mother had initially been very happy about the relationship, and my friend would regularly talk to her over the phone. This was prior to seeing her in person. Then my friend made a surprise trip to visit them for Valentine's day. By now, my friend was pretty sure this was the guy she wanted to marry.

On seeing her in person, the mother-in-law's behaviour changed and she started resenting her. Now we don't know the other side of the story, so my friend says she was rejected for reasons related to her appearance. But she believed things would work out between them I guess, and they had unprotected sex.

 

Now my friend and her mother have agreed upon "threatening" this guy to marry her so he will not do this to anyone else. I'm rather confused as to whether I agree with this.