There is No Reset Button

[starglider]

It has been 3 or 4 months since our last interaction (quasi-emotional affair partner ... he became angry when I told him my husband didn't want him around our work anymore). Then I ran into him on the side walk. Both of us had our kids with us - they know each other a bit and have played together in the past.

 

I had felt like I've been in a good place, personally. MM had been out of my mind and I felt at peace. My daughter and I are settling into our lives together well as I move toward the process of filing divorce. Things are amicable with my H. H never bad-mouthed MM to others and I don't bring him up either.

 

When I saw MM and his son walking toward me I just said a friendly "Hey, Guys" to them. I anticipated a quick "Hi" in return and we'd all keep walking. I got an emphatic "zero response." The boy's face looked scared and confused - we used to have a good rapport. That Dad's body language was angry, closed, distant, dismissive, and intentionally jerky/rude. It felt like a kick in the gut. I felt bewildered for myself and upset for both of the children - this must be confusing behavior to witness from the two parents who used be friendly and social.

 

It hit me a few hours later: this was bad blood coming from him. Why he couldn't put forth a quick, social hello for the kids' sake made no sense. I was worried that there was a lasting impact beyond him being angry for not being invited to a party. But there was no impact to him on his work or reputation or our shared social circle. It was a quasi-emotional affair and I felt close to him, but I never had the impression it was part of his M trouble. I hoped it didn't.

 

I should have left it that there was indeed bad blood. I reached out by email to try to check in, then phone. He picked up/hung up on me and texted me "[my name], I'm unable to talk." I made a few gestures via text to say I was sorry, to let him know my husband was no longer angry, my H is a private guy and won't talk, to wish him well on his journey, and to hope we could return to civil interactions if we run into each other. I could tell he opened/read my efforts but he gave no response. I wrote one last sincere wish that I want good things for his life don't want bad blood between us. No response. I tried but I'll let go.

 

I'm disappointed with myself for trying too hard in the face of his silent treatment. I think his bold rudeness + mixed message of him texting me that he was unable to talk (instead of letting the call go to voice mail or just blocking me) kicked my brain into overdrive to try to find closure or clarity.

 

Even when the nature of our past connection was undefined, I realize now there is no reset button. I chalked it up to bad boundaries on both of our parts. But the philosophical part of me thinks he came into and out of my life for a reason and I'll be the better for it as I have the strength to end and unhappy marriage and reconnect with my real self. His response made a surreal memory painful. "That was real."

[ladydesigner]

It has been 3 or 4 months since our last interaction (quasi-emotional affair partner ... he became angry when I told him my husband didn't want him around our work anymore). Then I ran into him on the side walk. Both of us had our kids with us - they know each other a bit and have played together in the past.

 

I had felt like I've been in a good place, personally. MM had been out of my mind and I felt at peace. My daughter and I are settling into our lives together well as I move toward the process of filing divorce. Things are amicable with my H. H never bad-mouthed MM to others and I don't bring him up either.

 

When I saw MM and his son walking toward me I just said a friendly "Hey, Guys" to them. I anticipated a quick "Hi" in return and we'd all keep walking. I got an emphatic "zero response." The boy's face looked scared and confused - we used to have a good rapport. That Dad's body language was angry, closed, distant, dismissive, and intentionally jerky/rude. It felt like a kick in the gut. I felt bewildered for myself and upset for both of the children - this must be confusing behavior to witness from the two parents who used be friendly and social.

 

It hit me a few hours later: this was bad blood coming from him. Why he couldn't put forth a quick, social hello for the kids' sake made no sense. I was worried that there was a lasting impact beyond him being angry for not being invited to a party. But there was no impact to him on his work or reputation or our shared social circle. It was a quasi-emotional affair and I felt close to him, but I never had the impression it was part of his M trouble. I hoped it didn't.

 

I should have left it that there was indeed bad blood. I reached out by email to try to check in, then phone. He picked up/hung up on me and texted me "[my name], I'm unable to talk." I made a few gestures via text to say I was sorry, to let him know my husband was no longer angry, my H is a private guy and won't talk, to wish him well on his journey, and to hope we could return to civil interactions if we run into each other. I could tell he opened/read my efforts but he gave no response. I wrote one last sincere wish that I want good things for his life don't want bad blood between us. No response. I tried but I'll let go.

 

I'm disappointed with myself for trying too hard in the face of his silent treatment. I think his bold rudeness + mixed message of him texting me that he was unable to talk (instead of letting the call go to voice mail or just blocking me) kicked my brain into overdrive to try to find closure or clarity.

 

Even when the nature of our past connection was undefined, I realize now there is no reset button. I chalked it up to bad boundaries on both of our parts. But the philosophical part of me thinks he came into and out of my life for a reason and I'll be the better for it as I have the strength to end and unhappy marriage and reconnect with my real self. His response made a surreal memory painful. "That was real."

 

It honestly sounds like he may have had some kind of Dday.

 

It's good you realize D is the answer for you and better you saw these moments of reality with your AP.

 

Nope there isn't a reset button, would be nice though. I could sure use it too!

[whichwayisup]

Leave him alone and stop worrying so much about how he is dealing with this. If he wants to be jerky and not say hi to you, then so be it. Ignore him. Go out of your way to not run into him and don't make eye contact with him. He wants you to leave him alone, so please for your own sanity and self respect, no more calling or texting him. The A is over and it doesn't matter if they had a Dday or not, their marriage and life isn't your concern. Focus on your H and your family only now, that way xMM be in your head less and less.

[starglider]

Yes, I will get on track with letting it go.

 

I understand through therapy that I had such unreality in my childhood through disconnect with two narcissistic parents. The fog of my young existence (am I real?) when my folks couldn't attune with me was really hard. I kept hitting the reset button pretending my childhood was normal.

 

And just when I thought I could hit the reset button walking by MM and our kids, I was struck by the confusion in that child's face. Our pass-by encounter was not normal.

 

All I can do now is get off the computer and connect more with my daughter. Try again tonight and tomorrow to be a better person, learn and grow.

 

I can't control what has been done, but I won't make the same mistakes again.