Need to Vent!

[Blue08]

So I have a 15yr old step son and I am so confused on what to do.

He is a good kid not doing drugs, talking back or anything like that.

I just feel as though he is not wanting to apply himself, he has great ideas on what he wants to do but then when it comes down to actually doing it, he has a ton of excuses and never follow through.

His grades are what I consider bad, he is ok with barley passing and thats when the report comes out, before the report card comes out...he is failing.

He is chewing tobacco, and his dad has told him that he is letting that slide.

I believe when he is saying he staying at a friends house he is actually his girlfriends house.

His girlfriends step father has offered him chewing tobacco.

He doesn't want to go to college.

Then today he's allowed to ride the four wheeler whenever without being legal to do so, and then he comes in and says some one called the cops on him and he said I don't care and he said he was going to run!

ugh! I care!

He has a sense of entitlement and I feel as though it is bc it is given to him!

These things are ALL privileges including his cell phone, friends, girlfriend, and 4wheeler.

If any of this gets taken away for not meeting his obligations its OUR fault or some one else NEVER his!

Is this normal? How the heck do you deal with teenagers who know everything!!!!!!

[Goin crazy]

This sounds a lot like my 15 year old. I'm told it will pass but still it still drives me nuts! I totally understand when you are coming for.

[turnera]

Why isn't anyone giving rules and consequences? Of course he's going to choose the easy ways out, if the adults aren't going to enforce boundaries.

Edited March 9, 2016 by turnera

[Gemma1]

Take the keys to the four wheeler, don't let him go to the "friend's" house, and take the phone as soon as he walks in the door from school until his grades improve. How hard is it?

[Bee4Shine]

It seems like he does need to understand there are consequences to his actions. His dad might be right in "picking" the battles, but he actually needs to pick one, not let everything slide. Also, the issue of blaming everyone else needs to be dealt with...this is a pattern that can continue into his adult life and is never good. We need to teach our children that what they do now impacts their future in huge ways.

[preraph]

Unfortunately, it's up to his bio parent to parent him, which sucks for the stepparent who has to get all the misery because of it.

 

Absolutely stupid a 15 year old is allowed to chew tobacco. What a nasty habit. I'd date a coke head before I'd date a spitter.

 

You need to be talking to the bio parent (I keep saying that because not sure you're male or female) and get an understanding that this kid is to be prepared to get a job and move out at age 18 and that the parent better get started preparing him for adulthood, because that is, after all, the parents' job. I'd make the parents sit down and make a 3 year plan which includes him graduating, tutors if necessary, and him getting an after-school job by his senior year and saving for his own vehicle or trade school. And if the parent just wants to let things go, you'll have to consider if you want to still be living with this when the kid is 30.

[Tayla]

It indeed does sound like you are caught between a rock and a hard place.

 

My DIL is a step mom and she maintains a diplomatic stance . She is straight forward on directives and willing to hear out the "teen" mental perception. She has zero tolerance on blame shifting. She and my grandson have an understanding. When at the house... house rules apply. Any attempt to step outside the few civil house rules get met with discipline (not punishment or physical harm). Usually a privilege is denied.

 

Its your home too! You can express what is and isn't tolerated.

[privategal]

Think of sending him to a fun positive summer camp so he can learn good experiences and socialize with good kids.

[preraph]

^ I like that idea, except I'd make it a boot camp where he had to learn to earn his keep. And he probably wouldn't go and the dad probably wouldn't make him go.

[Blue08]

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I agree about the consequences and the chewing tobacco.

If it were my son I would do EVERYTHING I possibly could to put an end to it.

 

With my son, he absolutely has to keep his grades up or else he is grounded until the next report card, this has never happened but thats what will happen and I also offer support for any help he may need.

 

I talk to my son all the time, about college, drugs, sex ( age appropriate) and he has taken the class at school, good friends and bad friends. I also listen to him and provide praise and correction.

 

I have no issue talking with the boys, I have no issue saying no.

 

His dad seems to have issues talking with him, he will literally wait for days of not weeks before bringing up an issue. Its just been recently he actually cares about his grades and I think its because of me bc Im pretty much always talking about it with him.

 

The chewing tobacco, what do I say now? His dad already told him that he would let that "slide." I have been working out and my step son wants to do the mud run and I suggested that we can run and do it together in the attempt to help him find a positive habit.

 

You know the step parent role I used to think that this isn't my place but then I realized I am with him every single day out of his mom & dad I am the one who is here for him. He responds well to me telling him what he can and can't do when he is here. The only thing that frustrates me the most is Im the one here for him 90 percent of the time and yet the BIG decisions are up to his mom and dad. ( If that makes any sense)

 

I have decided the next time he says he is sleeping over at a friends, I will give the option to his mom and dad first and if not I will be checking that he is where he says he is.

 

I took the 4 wheeler away, He has not had friends over during the week at all.

both boys cleaned up the yard, and unloaded pellets yesterday.

 

As far as the cell phone goes.....it seems that has never been an option from his mom or dad, he obviously feels entitled to it and all the privacy he gets as well.

 

I know he has looked or is looking at porn, and I knew when he started having sex, and I knew when he started with the cigerates and chewing tobacco, why? because I pay attention, because I check and I'm pretty sure his bio parents wouldn't know any of this, STILL because they do not check!

 

I do appreciate all the criticism, although it does sound simple, I find it difficult because I am just the step parent.

[turnera]

There are two things that teenagers need most - from anyone: honesty and a safe person to talk to. As long as you continue to be that person for him, HE WILL HEAR YOU. What I did was tell my DD that I would never judge her. I may not like what she is doing at any point, but I will always love her anyway, and I will not judge. She's told me that she didn't believe me at first, and she tested me, but I held firm - I was always the safe person to talk to. And if she did something wrong, I would tell her that I didn't approve of the actions (but that didn't affect my love for her), and then I would tell her what I would have done in that situation, or give examples of similar situations in my past, and then just leave her with that to ponder, so that she can see alternative choices and hopefully come to her own decision on making better choices. Like when I discussed cigarettes, I told her I knew I had an addictive personality and as such, knew that if I ever tried smoking, I knew I'd never be able to quit - so I just stayed away. Things like that. At 25, she now tells me I'm her best friend. Because I've always been the one safe person in her life.