Losing interest...I'm not sexually satisfied, and I find out she's been masturbating.

[random314]

Background: I'm about one year into a relationship with a girl, and lately I've started to lose interest. For a long time now I haven't felt sexually satisfied. We both enjoy sex when it happens, but it only seems to happen when she is interested. I made it an issue in the past, and she responded by saying I was pressuring her too much for sex, and that she felt anxiety getting in bed with me because she felt forced to have sex. I was surprised to hear that, so since then I've really backed off, but this has led to my current dilemma.

 

Now I don't know how far to take things to show my interest. If I kiss her once and get little response, should I kiss her again? I'm constantly agonizing over whether I haven't made my intentions clear, or whether I'm being too pushy. I feel like I'm in high school again (I'm 22, she's 26.) Currently we have sex about 3 times a week, but we sleep together every night. She says that we have sex more often than any of her friends do, but I really don't care about other people's sex lives, only ours. In my last relationship, of about 3 years, I had sex almost every night, but more importantly, it always came naturally and was never stressful. I never had to think about it, we were both just happy.

 

When we do have sex now, she always orgasms at least once, and she does not fake it, so in that sense she's satisfied. I have asked her if she'd like to try anything new, and I've suggested a few things, but there doesn't seem to be a real interest on her part. She seems genuinely satisfied with the way things are. If we do talk about it, she says she's too tired and doesn't feel like it... she is a bit overweight, so I think that this is sometimes the case, but I know it isn't as often as she says.

 

Yesterday the topic of masturbation came up. I've always been open about the fact that I masturbate. I used to do it frequently - maybe 2 or 3 times a week, partly because I've felt unsatisfied. Lately, I've cut back because I started to think that maybe my constant masturbation was keeping my sex drive unnaturally high. Now I masterbate once every week or two. Anyway, in the past she had told me that masturbation wasn't something she was really into, but she did do it occasionally. Yesterday she told me that she has been masturbating 2 or 3 times a week. I was in shock. She's masturbating most days she rejects sex with me! Hello? I don't have a problem with masturbation at all...AT ALL, except that hers seems to be in place of me. I have a real problem with that.

 

My dilemma is whether I should even make this an issue, or what I would even say. I'm not going to say I don't want her to masturbate, because while I could easily give it up myself I know she would resent me asking that, and also that isn't the real issue. I think the real long term issue relates to her weight issue. She's talked about losing weight since I met her, all the while gaining weight. But rather than kill my sex drive, it seems to have killed hers. Lately I've just felt so frustrated that the problems are unsolvable that I'm thinking of breaking it off. To complicate it though, ALL of our friends are mutual, and I met most of them through her, so it'll be especially rough because I'll lose touch with most of my friends.

 

Advice?

 

Thanks

[LucreziaBorgia]

While it could be any number of things: she's bored with the routine, sex with you has become a chore and an obligation, or her self-orgasms are simply more intense than the ones she has with you, or a poor self-image affects her sex drive - or a mix of all of them: it may be better to chip away at the more obvious things first:

 

It could very easily be a case of poor self-image affecting her sex drive with you. The masturbation is probably the only unselfconscious sexual pleasure she gets right now, so asking her to stop would not be a good idea. If it is a matter of body image and weight: know this one thing - she won't lose weight until she wants to, and any attempts to push her into it before she is ready to put an effort into it are going to be met with resentment and anger. You'll have to handle this carefully. She is not likely to want to lose weight and correct her body image if she finds out that you only want her to do it for your own resulting happiness and sexual pleasure. You will have to come at it from a different angle. Tell her that you are concerned for her health, and you want to see her happy with her body. Then offer to exercise with her. Offer to change your diet and eating habits to make it easier for her. You have to be willing to really help her if you want her to make these changes. She is not going to do them if you demand that she change and then not make any efforts to be truly supportive of her. While you are being supportive - stop pushing her to have sex so often. See if backing off the sexual pressure, while being more supportive makes any difference.

 

You'll also have to accept that for some women, their sex drives are simply not as active as you think they should be. She may just not biologically 'need' sex from you as often as you want it from her. Sex is in the brain, and if her biochemistry isn't giving her the 'horny signals' as often as yours is - then the sex, if it happens more often than she wants it will be fairly lame - as it becomes something to have to do rather than really, really want to do.

 

Try approaching the 'body image' thing first and see if that helps. If she still isn't coming around and doesn't want sex as much as you, you'll have to decide whether or not to end your relationship. You can't make her want sex more, and you can't make yourself want it less.

[random314]

First off, thanks for the thoughtful reply.

 

>The masturbation is probably the only unselfconscious sexual pleasure she gets right now, so asking her to stop would not be a good idea.

 

Good point, I hadn't even thought of that.

 

Regarding the weight issue:

Upon rereading my post I realize I came accross somewhat selfishly in this regard. To be clear, I would like for her to lose weight for her own benefit. It really pains me to hear her talk about her "problem areas". She is really self-conscous of her legs in general. Because of this she refuses to expose her legs above the ankles. I have tried to assure her that I like the way that she looks. I have encouraged exercise stressing the health benefits and how it feels good. It is sad that she won't wear skirts or dresses unless they touch the floor, and she refuses to go swimming with our friends.

 

I'm at a loss as to what I can do to encourage her to lose weight. I do exercise, and I've tried to get her to do it with me, but she gets easily discouraged because I am in much better shape than she is. And believe me, I try not to stress this, even to the point of acting more tired than I am. As far as diet goes, I really can't eat more responsibly than I already do. I have a hyperactive thyroid, while hers is hypoactive, so our metabolisms are out of wack. I did research on hypothyroidism and there is treatment for it, but she does not want to try it. I don't snack or eat deserts often. I eat a ton of vegetables and fruit. It just kills me to watch her to lay the mayonaise on her sandwiches, something that I never touch, although I could get away with eating crappy food (in terms of weight that is, I still wouldn't from a health standpoint.) The weight issue is something that I had privately given up on, and just hoped it didn't get worse, it was only recently that I connected it to the sex issue.

 

And I have backed off of her sexually. That's what's been eating at me. I think a critical point was a few days ago, when I didn't respond to her sexual advances because I hadn't slept the night before. She made it this really big deal, and said I was confusing her about what I wanted. I wanted to say, hello, that's the second time I've ever declined... whereas you've done it like twice a week.

 

>If she still isn't coming around and doesn't want sex as much as you, you'll have to decide whether or not to end your relationship. You can't make her want sex more, and you can't make yourself want it less.

 

So true, so true... If it does come to the point where I'm convinced the relationship has to end, it will be harder on me I think. She has this great support network of friends and family. I'm not particularly close to my family, and most of my close friends recently moved away after school. I feel like my choice is frustration or lonliness. I wish she was motivated to change...