Accused of cheating via FB

[panastas]

Hello all,

 

A bit of intro into my relationship. I have been dating my amazing GF for about 15 months now. We are having a heck of a time, best year of my life and I believe hers also.

 

Everything is great, sex life, conversation, we have gotten a house together (she also has 2 children from her ex husband), we have been on 10 or more vacations together (Thailand, Vegas, NYC with the kids my X-Mass present to her, South of France, Vienna, Thailand again, Greece the list is endless)

 

My GF is a single mum of 2 so money is tight for her. I dont want to sound like an ******* but the fact is I have also paid for all of the above (houses, trips, gifts, the lot). Don't get me wrong I love paying for her, i love her being happy, comfortable and very well taken care of but the fact is I am not a man of endless resources. My point is that paying for all of the above has a great impact on other aspects of my life - as cheap as money is the effort behind making it isnt cheap at all (hours of working) and spending it on someone else one would hope shows some degree of how much you value and cherish this time.

 

Finally, 1 year into our relationship I gave her an amazing ring as a symbol of our union. It wasn't an engagement ring because we said we are not going to do this - she has just gotten divorced and I am not sure if I want a family. So it was a gift with that special meaning that symbolized our union and my intention to be with her for as long as possible.

 

So far this is the perfect movie story line. Two days ago I had gone to the gym and when I came back I was confronted by a very unhappy GF. She had gone onto my laptop, checked my FB history and saw that I was seeing pictures of other women. These women would range from celebrities, to a girl that a friend of mine had hooked up and i was curious to see what she looked like, to girls I had dated in the past and was curious how they are carying on with life, how they look etc - so a wide range of different girls. I had seen between 2-3 to 30 pics of each one. In fact FB "stalking" is something that I do regularly. I don't know why and I don't do it to hook up with anyone. I have never contacted any of these girls, never written a single message, never done anything - i just like to watch pics of, primarily hot women but also of plain normal women i know.

 

My GF freaked out, she said i mentally cheated her, that i make her feel totally insecure, that i am a weirdo for stalking women and looking at their pics (they are public pics !!!) that i am what is wrong with this world and she went on to tell me she cannot be with someone like me and wants to break up.

 

It did not go down well her reaction and I said many things most of which I have regretted - I was a total ******* but i felt my entire world being swept under my feet. The woman that i love, that i had invested so much emotion and hope in, that everything was going great decides to break up on "mental cheating" of FB pics.

 

My question is - is looking pics of other women on FB such a bad thing? I mean i dont expect her to be happy about it but is it really that bad???? Am I a weirdo??? Is all this great life we are having worth sacrificing over a guy looking at pics??? Is this a normal reaction from her side??

 

I have never cheated on her and she knows that.

 

I also know that she loves me a great deal (too much maybe if thats possible) and I feel this is a huge jealousy / insecurity issue but I am curious to know what others think and if this FB "stalking" thing has been the bane of any other relationships.

 

Many thanks for taking your time.

[GR4]

You did nothing wrong, she's just nuts. I guarantee you she does exactly the same, it's human nature. You telling me that if she walks past a guy she thinks is hot she doesn't take a second look?

 

As long as you're not messaging other women or cheating on her physically or emotionally in any way you've done nothing wrong and she's way out of line.

 

On another note, quit spending so much money on her. You've bought the two of you a house after just over a year of dating? Are you nuts? Sounds like she's using you for your bank balance.

[panastas]

I didn't buy any house I rented one

 

She is definitely 100% guaranteed not the type of woman who would use anyone for money. Of that i am certain.

[RRM321]

It wasn't an engagement ring because we said we are not going to do this - she has just gotten divorced and I am not sure if I want a family. So it was a gift with that special meaning that symbolized our union and my intention to be with her for as long as possible.

 

I can't speak to what's up with your girlfriend. I don't know anything about her. Frankly your post was all about you - with just a few negative comments about her.

 

I can however, speak to your own words above which to me, are the crux of your issue:

 

"symbol of our union.. for as long as possible?"

 

...and you're calling her insecure? WTF?

 

You're also living with a woman who has 2 kids and you've said point blank: "I don't think I want a family."

Commit or break-up but, stop playing these games with her, your life and your future aren't on FB.

Edited March 9, 2016 by RRM321

[loverboy69]

Lesson learned. Log out of your Facebook account when it's not in use. At the very least adopt a password to lock your laptop. Do the same thing for your smartphone.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong but as you just learned some people can take things the wrong way very easily. Add an insecure personality to the mix and you are asking for trouble.

[RRM321]

My question is - is looking pics of other women on FB such a bad thing? I mean i dont expect her to be happy about it but is it really that bad???? Am I a weirdo??? Is all this great life we are having worth sacrificing over a guy looking at pics??? Is this a normal reaction from her side??

 

You're not a weirdo but, you are expressly unreliable material for a long term relationship - and she now knows it. Her reaction is more than normal - it's healthy and a sign that she's emotionally smarter than you are.

 

You're stalking dozens of other women online. You're commitment is: ..as long a possible - which is what exactly? 24 months, 36 months, until you're bored or until one of these women you're stalking responds? She has two kids and you're on the record as not wanting a family. You couldn't be more explicit if you already had her bags curbside.

 

There is no amount of money you can spend that makes it okay for you to mind f-- her this way. I predict she will leave you, because that's what smart women do.

[panastas]

RRM321 thank you for your answer but i dont think you have read properly.

 

No woman I "stalk" will never respond because there has never been any contact from my side and never will be - I was very clear about that in my post.

 

The as long as possible has to do with the fact i said "i am not sure if I want a family" however I MIGHT want in the future. She has had 2 kids already she KNOWS she doesn't want anymore. It might be an issue in the future which is not now. Do we need to worry today about what we might want in 5 years time??

 

Also I hate to break a promise and all these lovely "forevers" end up being nothing but a lie as more than half of "forevers" are really the 24 months you mentioned.

[ExpatInItaly]

Her reaction is over-the-top, in my opinion. But I think it's actually a manifestation of deeper problems. Does she know you are committing for "as long as possible"? That you don't want a family? She could be disappointed and angry about that, without really acknowledging how much this bothers her.

 

Also, do you know if she's been betrayed in the past? Did her ex cheat on her, troll for women online? I'm not suggesting you are doing so, but this could have triggered a previous hurt that she is projecting now.

[panastas]

I can't speak to what's up with your girlfriend. I don't know anything about her. Frankly your post was all about you - with just a few negative comments about her.

 

Also what negative comments are you referring to? The fact I opened my post that I am seeing an amazing girlfriend or that I had the best year of my life with her?

[panastas]

Her reaction is over-the-top, in my opinion. But I think it's actually a manifestation of deeper problems. Does she know you are committing for "as long as possible"? That you don't want a family? She could be disappointed and angry about that, without really acknowledging how much this bothers her.

 

Also, do you know if she's been betrayed in the past? Did her ex cheat on her, troll for women online? I'm not suggesting you are doing so, but this could have triggered a previous hurt that she is projecting now.

 

We have both agreed we will enjoy the moment and not worry about the future. She is having an extremely painful divorce from a horrible, abusing ex who has left her with physical and more importantly emotional scars.

 

She has 2 kids, at the moment she does not want anymore (and neither do I for now) but we both recognise that if in the future I do want children and a family of my own this might be a problem. So instead of doing the forever thing we have agreed to enjoy and appreciate each other for now and not worry about what may happen IF I want children IF this IF that.

 

We have had many very open conversations about this.

 

She has been cheated by one of her exes but never from her ex husband of 10 years.

 

That said she is an absolutely gorgeous woman, she used to be a model, and she is used to having all the attention so perhaps me looking at other pics online is something that she is really not coping with.

 

I can appreciate the fact she doesnt like it - I would not expect her to - but I dont understand the reaction she had to instantly break up with me, accuse me of being a weirdo, drop the life that we had because I look at pics!!

 

She had written down all the names of the girls I had checked which were 6

 

1 was christiano ronaldo new GF

1 was a chick a friend of mine had sex with and he was like "check her out"

2 were girls I had flings with in the past, a pic of theirs came to my newsfeed and I was like ok lets see what they are up to

1 was a girl appearing in a pic of one of my friends. I was just curious to see what she looks like.

 

The main problem is she knows I like / admire women and their shapes/forms. I think this is a normal thing for a man. I like to look at women (not when i am with her) and I am attracted by the female form. I use my better judgement to know that I love her too much to hurt her and that I will never cheat on her. In fact the women I "look" at take 2 seconds of my attention span and then disappear whereas she is on my mind 24/7

[lychee]

She's jealous.

You didn't cheat on her, that's ridiculous.

She's pushing it.

Looking at pictures hardly is considered cheating especially if you didn't try to contact nor try seeing these women.

 

If I were you I'd think long and hard why I'd want to be with someone who has so little trust in you.

 

I understand she's upset and that's one thing but saying you're cheating is simply trying to manipulate you into feeling like crass and grovel.

 

If she dumps you, thank your lucky stars.

[elaine567]

She is having an extremely painful divorce from a horrible, abusing ex who has left her with physical and more importantly emotional scars.

 

...She has been cheated on by one of her exes but never from her ex husband of 10 years.

 

...That said she is an absolutely gorgeous woman, she used to be a model, and she is used to having all the attention so perhaps me looking at other pics online is something that she is really not coping with.

 

 

Abusive husbands and cheating exes take their toll on a person's self esteem, the fact she is an ex model probably means her own physical appearance is very important to her too.

The divorce process is hard emotionally, lots of conflicting thoughts will be going around in her head.

SO, with all that emotional turmoil to contend with, she now finds the man who she is now putting all her trust into, is trawling FB for pics of hot women...

She is disappointed, shocked, upset and her instinct is to run.

Her house of cards just tumbled into a heap.

I say house of cards, because people who are just separated or divorcing are often in a bad place, they often cling onto others to get them through it, they rebound.

 

I am sure she is hurt by your actions, I am sure she does see it as a form of cheating, some people do, I guess many men would not be happy if their wife was trawling FB for hot men either, but I am wondering too if she has not ramped this up a bit, to give her a valid excuse for dumping you.

Rebounds tend not to work out, the hurt spouse eventually realises that the new person they got involved with is not the person for them, they just needed someone at the time - hence why many here would never advocate that anyone gets involved with separated, divorcing or newly divorced people.