sportygirl89 Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 I've been thinking of my church for a while. While I feel like my faith has grown on my own terms. Not sure its enough to keep me here. My biggest concern is when I want to volunteer I seem to get the behind the scene type of positions. The positions I have wanted to get they still have not given to me a year and a half later. My other biggest issue is the fellowship. The church appears to have a cliquish. I've never been one to be super outgoing but I have been told I am approachable and personable. I have been asking for a discipleship since August, and nothing. They keep wanting discipleship in the church but do nothing for me. I am always told last minute on social events in the young adult groups. What do you find as grounds to leave a church? Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 What do you find as grounds to leave a church? I left my old one when they started promoting member projects from the pulpit—like, "vote for this American Idol contestant who happens to be a member;" or "our production company has a Doritos commercial airing during the Superbowl, make sure you go vote." It really turned me off that they were lifting up all these rather worldly things, rather than lifting up church members who were doing missions work and the like. Also, they would occasionally base a sermon series on the lead pastor's books, instead of the Bible, which I found jaw-dropping. That church seemed to want to get warm bodies in the door and "saved," yet they had no concrete plan to help believers grow in their faith. It all felt very surface-y to me. My second church I left because I felt I wasn't even following God anymore and it felt more honoring to him to simply step away from the whole thing. That church though was fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sportygirl89 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Share Posted March 9, 2016 I pretty much told the pastor I had gotten a bit closer to that If I was kept being told no to, that I'd have to leave. I mean if you get told no all the time how are you supposed to get a good group to fellowship with? I mean in Acts God says for us to fellowship with one another. Not getting that vibe. I get the judgey looks when I sit by myself at church (have not been accepted into the young adults group a year and a half later). I feel that I've given it my all. But I feel like going to church now is such a chore. Link to post Share on other sites
pie2 Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 Can you describe a time when you felt fulfilled at a church? What were the factors or qualities of the church that led you to feel happy? How much of a role does prayer lead in your life right now? Do you feel that prayer has the power to change your circumstances? If so, are you using prayer to guide any decisions in your life? Do you read the bible? Can you think of anyone in the bible who had to wait patiently to finally receive God's blessing or to be recognized for a certain talent or given a privilege? Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 (edited) My biggest concern is when I want to volunteer I seem to get the behind the scene type of positions. The positions I have wanted to get they still have not given to me a year and a half later. My other biggest issue is the fellowship. The church appears to have a cliquish. I've never been one to be super outgoing but I have been told I am approachable and personable. I have been asking for a discipleship since August, and nothing. They keep wanting discipleship in the church but do nothing for me. I am always told last minute on social events in the young adult groups. What do you find as grounds to leave a church? Before quitting, one recommendation I have is you try to start your own volunteer group or hold your own social event, and invite others. One of the main problems with church groups, is that a lot of the people that complain never actually take on any of the leadership roles. Most of these things are volunteer and the leaders don't always have a lot of time to organize events and also make everyone feel fulfilled. For example, I went to a big church that did volunteer work at the local food shelter. When I showed up, the regulars already had the positions filled and I was just standing there. I ended up leaving early. But another time I offered to host the small group and even lead the study, and everyone came by. Another ministry my brother does is each married couple takes turns babysitting for the other young married members of the group, so that members can take turns having weekend date nights. It's pretty fun for the kids and strengthens marriages (I'm not sure of your relationship status, but out of the box things like that where you are helping people are often popular). If you try to lead groups and activities, and no one bites after a few times, than maybe consider moving on. Edited March 9, 2016 by TheFinalWord 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sportygirl89 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Share Posted March 9, 2016 The church has lost a lot of people. I feel like I've been of asset to them. But its like they don't seem to care to lose people then they scratch their heads when numbers are low. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 Can you share with us how you've been an asset? Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 I think someone's choice to leave a church or stay is a personal decision that needn't be justified to anyone. If you think about it, the entire body of believers is one church, so why does it matter where you actually go on a Sunday morning? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 I think someone's choice to leave a church or stay is a personal decision that needn't be justified to anyone. If you think about it, the entire body of believers is one church, so why does it matter where you actually go on a Sunday morning? :confused: Perhaps I missed it, but who has suggested that the decision isn't hers or insisted that she justify her choices? Sportygirl is asking for guidance on when to switch churches and how we make our personal decisions. So far, every poster has addressed that and/or asked her questions related to some of her statements to help her think about her questions. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sportygirl89 Posted March 10, 2016 Author Share Posted March 10, 2016 Thanks Angel Eyes. To answer your question I volunteer at the church and am actively involved in bible study. I almost always attend unless I'm physically exhausted( which is rare I miss). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 I pretty much told the pastor I had gotten a bit closer to that If I was kept being told no to, that I'd have to leave. I mean if you get told no all the time how are you supposed to get a good group to fellowship with? I mean in Acts God says for us to fellowship with one another. Not getting that vibe. I get the judgey looks when I sit by myself at church (have not been accepted into the young adults group a year and a half later). I feel that I've given it my all. But I feel like going to church now is such a chore. I'm sorry for what you are going through. Yes I think it's time for you to look for a different church. While we are all members of the same body, churches are different. Personally, I love culturally diverse church groups because I believe they represent a little bit this: "After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands." - Revelation 7:9 (NIV) The Christian community is universal and when a church group represents that diversity, they gives a clearer picture of the body of Christ! Since you have experienced being isolated in a church, it's possible that God can use you to be a blessing to other people who experience this. When I was 10 years old, I was called "ugly" by the boys in my church. They don't know how much that hurt me. I've forgiven them but I still refuse to wear glasses except for when I drive, even though my hubby says I look beautiful in glasses. It's sad that many people in church don't realize the harm they are doing to the body of Christ when they isolate (neglect) or bully someone. Blessings and I hope you find an awesome church! Or, if you decide to stay in the church you are in, that God uses you to bless someone who experiences what you have experienced! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 (edited) Another ministry my brother does is each married couple takes turns babysitting for the other young married members of the group, so that members can take turns having weekend date nights. It's pretty fun for the kids and strengthens marriages (I'm not sure of your relationship status, but out of the box things like that where you are helping people are often popular). That's an awesome idea!!! OP, I meant to add in my reply before, that maybe God can use you in that church to be a welcoming friend to another person who comes, so that he or she won't experience the same uncaring experience you have experienced? One thing I learned about the boys in my church when I was 10 calling me "ugly" was that I won't silently stand by when people insult others based on their appearance. Nobody stood up for me when the boys were making fun of me, so I know how much it hurts when nobody stands up for you in church. When it happened, I didn't even tell my parents. I knew they would tell me that I'm beautiful no matter what anyone else says but I believed the lie of those boys and was so ashamed. Don't feel bad though if you decide to leave that church for another, because you can welcome, love and care for new people in other churches too! Edited March 10, 2016 by BetheButterfly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sportygirl89 Posted March 10, 2016 Author Share Posted March 10, 2016 Thank you everyone for your helpful comments. I meet with a girl on Saturday from church. Maybe she can help me or give me a different view that I'm not seeing. I really want to like this church and want it to work. But I also know it has to go both ways with the people. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Thank you everyone for your helpful comments. I meet with a girl on Saturday from church. Maybe she can help me or give me a different view that I'm not seeing. I really want to like this church and want it to work. But I also know it has to go both ways with the people. I hope it works for you sportygirl! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sportygirl89 Posted March 11, 2016 Author Share Posted March 11, 2016 Thanks. I've been here a long time. Well a year and a half. Just s little disheartening. Members are just now reacting me. I'm just so frustrated. Why bother doing things now when things should have been done months ago you know? Link to post Share on other sites
pie2 Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Thank you everyone for your helpful comments. I meet with a girl on Saturday from church. Maybe she can help me or give me a different view that I'm not seeing. I really want to like this church and want it to work. But I also know it has to go both ways with the people. You did not provide an answer to the questions I posted above, so I must assume that your first go-to is not Jesus or God when making decisions. I just ask that you think about that. Rather than relying on man (as we're all fallible), I really encourage you to seek out the answers you need first through prayer and studying the bible. If you need further insight, it's recommended to go to well-established/respected brothers and sisters in the faith, like a pastor or a respected woman you can trust (preferably someone who has been walking with Jesus for a while and has shown herself to be commendable). You say you hope this new girl can give you answers. I wonder why you think she or anyone here on Loveshack has more wisdom or insight into your situation that yourself, God or a trusted Christian elder? One thing I know is that oftentimes people like it when other people tell them what they want to hear. It feels good to have other people confirm what we're thinking! But, our ways are not always God's ways, and sometimes God really wants us to do things we're not comfortable with. Again, all I can suggest is that you pray, pray, pray about this. I'll be praying for you too, sportygirl!! God bless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sportygirl89 Posted March 11, 2016 Author Share Posted March 11, 2016 I'm not interested in a man. This girl isn't new as she is in my bible study. I've been praying, but my heart has been torn in what to do. Many people at my church have had issues fitting in at this church. What would be different is how to see how they handled everything. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 What's the issue with the girl in your bible study, sportygirl? At any rate, you've gotten a lot of great ideas and suggestions from many of the posters in this thread. One thing I want to emphasize, whether you stay or move to a different church, is to reach out to others, volunteer wherever there appears to be a need, and actively befriend at least some members of the congregation. As you said, it's a two-way street. Yes, they should reach out to you, but you can reach out also. For me, being proactive, seeking ways to be involved, and making the effort to reach out and make friends helps me integrate into an organization and rapidly become part of the core group...whether that's my small group bible study, church, missions team, or another group. If you tend to hang back and wait for people to come to you and befriend you (I don't know if you do or don't), likely you'll struggle at the next church and feel like an outsider there too. So, examine whether there might be things you might want to change about your own actions regardless of your choice of church. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sportygirl89 Posted March 11, 2016 Author Share Posted March 11, 2016 There isn't an issue. This girl and I are friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Thanks. I've been here a long time. Well a year and a half. Just s little disheartening. Members are just now reacting me. I'm just so frustrated. Why bother doing things now when things should have been done months ago you know? It is an important lesson to Christians who go to church to welcome and love all the members and visitors. Sadly, many churches today don't look anything like the earliest church (Acts 2:41-47). I do think God can use the difficult experience you are having to use you to bless other people who are struggling with the same uncaring nature of churches. God is using you to encourage me to reach out to new members in my church, so thank you for that. Since Christians are imperfect, it is so easy to get caught up in self and in little cliques and not embrace other people. That's shameful, but the good news is that people can repent and learn to love all people! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 From what I remember reading from OP, it does seem like she's volunteered, though I don't know through this church or not. I dunno, after spending about seven years at a church where I met great friends, but never felt really "at home," I wish I'd left sooner. Instead, going somewhere different always had a hint of shame attached to it, as if the reason I didn't fit in was somehow my fault. This mindset came from my parents, who frankly looked down on anyone who left their church. Well, I think God would want you to be somewhere where you feel welcomed and accepted, somewhere where you have true fellowship, where you're not just grinning and bearing it because you think it's the "right" thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 The `Font` is a deal breaker for me. Link to post Share on other sites
pie2 Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 The `Font` is a deal breaker for me. I don't get it (please explain! ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author sportygirl89 Posted March 12, 2016 Author Share Posted March 12, 2016 From what I remember reading from OP, it does seem like she's volunteered, though I don't know through this church or not. I dunno, after spending about seven years at a church where I met great friends, but never felt really "at home," I wish I'd left sooner. Instead, going somewhere different always had a hint of shame attached to it, as if the reason I didn't fit in was somehow my fault. This mindset came from my parents, who frankly looked down on anyone who left their church. Well, I think God would want you to be somewhere where you feel welcomed and accepted, somewhere where you have true fellowship, where you're not just grinning and bearing it because you think it's the "right" thing to do. I have volunteered for this church and other organizations as well. I just find it odd the staff is trying to do something now when the issue was months ago you know? Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 I have volunteered for this church and other organizations as well. I just find it odd the staff is trying to do something now when the issue was months ago you know? I get your frustration. While I don't want to minimize it, why not give them some credit for responding? They've finally heard your concerns and are now addressing them. None of us is perfect. After all, that's why Jesus had to come down to earth for us. Are you able to forgive your fellow church members for what you perceive as their shortcomings? What are your thoughts at this point in terms of staying vs. leaving? Have you prayed about it? Link to post Share on other sites
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