How to handle being lost

[bob the brave]

Don't know exactly why. I'm no Brad Pitt but not ugly I think and never been called ugly. But women have always avoided me. Even so far as to preemptively warn me about boundaries when I was never even interested. I'm not a jerk or creepy.

 

I think I'm a descent guy. Good job, great physical shape, play the guitar and sing a little, enjoy making others laugh and them me. Adventurous, ride a sport bike, taught English in China just for fun, been half way up Mt. Everest. I'm very open minded and easy going, respectful and compassionate. I always get along with most everyone.

 

Women like me as a friend, but never anything more. I am 53 now with more life behind than before and never been with a woman. I never cared to chase women for the chase or sex. I just would show respectful interest with the few I clicked with and liked their personalities. I could tell you stories of rejection that would chill you to the bone. Don't know why. Makes me sad...the loss, I think I could have made someone happy if given the chance. I didn't used to believe in fate...but I do now.

Edited March 9, 2016 by bob the brave

[preraph]

Well, you're either very unlucky or you're chasing women too young for you or way too good looking.

 

Other than that, do you have any inkling what's holding you back?

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Lemme tell you something from the other side of things. I have always been pretty good with the ladies... I don't mean to sound arrogant but it was never a challenge for me to get a girl. Not always did I get the girl I wanted, but most of the time I did. That was years ago. I landed a girl who I couldn't live without and we have been married now for 9 years....

 

...now what makes you think I feel any less lost than you? Cause I'm lost as hell and it doesn't have anything to do with my relationship with my wife. Or my kids, or my job, or my accomplishments in life. I've been lost for a long time friend. Only in the last two years have I been trying to discover exactly where that feeling is emanating from. Even if I didnt have what I do today, the feeling of being lost and alone would still be there, I have no doubt. Obviously the "American dream" is a fallacy. These aren't the keys to happiness. They really can only be found within. The key to feeling whole and complete and purposeful. These things can't be granted to you by an outside source. It just simply doesn't work that way. I'm not the only person who will tell you this either.

 

There have been countless people who have achieved happiness and a sense of purpose and who have true love for themselves and have never been married or had a life partner. Likewise can be said in reverse. People have done all you have, lived out dreams with a spouse at their side, and still felt lost. Even some so lost that they give up and commit suicide.

 

I, for example, have a beautiful wife, loving and caring, compassionate. She works a noble job helping kids with multiple impairments, and man, she is damn fine as well. Smoking hot!! I have two beautiful kids. Healthy, happy, incredibly smart (94 and 97th percentile (shameless bragging)). I've got a house, two cars, pets, the works man. The ol American dream.... I should be happy right? No voids here right? Well that is far from the truth. I'm suicidal, have been for years and years.

 

So obviously there isn't an outside source anywhere that grants you your happiness and sense of purpose and feeling like you are on the correct path. Trust me I've looked everywhere for one. Because honestly it's just so much easier to put the onus on someone else to fix what we can't seem to see is broken within ourselves. Broken isn't really the right word though, more like... just not function properly or at peak capacity.

 

I only say all this to point out if you do find the woman of your dreams and settle down, there is zero guarantee that it will fill that hole. There isn't anything another person can do to fill the void within ourselves as humans. That is your own responsibility and your own burden to shoulder. Yes, it is a tough road. Forcing yourself to look at what you feel are the nasty bits about yourself and learning to love every part of you. To change the bits about you that you want to change. To work on yourself and really do the hard work of sifting through all your fears and doubts and insecurities. That is a challenge harder then finding a woman who will love you for you, including all those nasty bits. That's actually pretty easy to find if you really look for it. We are taught to love others after all.

 

...Do you love your family members whole heartedly? Knowing their nasty bits as well? Of course right!?! Do you love you, including all those nasty bits? Different answer I suspect. The only truly happy people I've ever met in my life loved every bit of themselves. These people don't feel lost at all, cause they know who they are, accept It, and love every bit of it. These people are rare indeed, but what they have achieved doesn't have to be. Which is very sad to think that we fail to teach each other how to love ourselves. There is always a focus on teaching to love others. Somehow loving yourself is often not on the mind of the teachers (parents). Most likely because they struggle with it themselves.

 

I believe if you think about what I've said you will find an answer. But the answer might very well not be the one you want right now. For example, you said you have never had that desire to chase love or a woman. Perhaps there is a reason within yourself that is making you feel this way? That is what is holding you back from pursuing love from a woman? Or maybe you will find that the void you are feeling isn't due to lack of love life at all. That this desire never existed in you for a reason, cause it's just not you. And now you feel a void and are looking at others lives as a guide to your own happiness. This is counterproductive as you are now no longer living for yourself, but rather an ideology of what happiness is. I can tell you for sure you won't find it there unless that is what your own true desires are.

 

And for a man that has made it half way up everest, I imagine you are a man who will work hard to accomplish whatever it is he desires. If finding the love of your life is on your list as of now, then I see nothing stopping you but yourself.

Edited March 9, 2016 by T-16bullseyeWompRat

[bob the brave]

WompRat,

 

Thanks for the wise words. Definitely lots of truth here for all of us. I believe wholeheartedly what you say. I have seen people marry, and then feel lost too, cheat and get divorced. Then some repeat until they are just too old. All probably looking for what you are saying.

 

Man you do seem to have the perfect dream. But suicide? What do you think it is that's missing?

[bob the brave]

Oddly, I never hated myself or felt bad about myself. I always knew what I wanted to do and have either accomplished it or still working towards it. That alone seems to fill a void to a good degree.

 

But what I don't get is why I must do it alone. Others, men as well as women, treat me like I'm a visitor from somewhere else. It can seep in and affect even the tiniest of things like my whole adult life whenever I go to see a movie, which is rare, it has always been by myself.

 

As a small example, I ended up in one university in China were I knew no one but there were a handful of expats on campus. I would pass one guy who I knew lived above me but he never said a word. So, on the third day I knock on his door and say, "WTH, I blow into town and you don't help at all what the hell kind of neighbor are you?' I said this, of course, in a complete joking manner. He started laughing and invited me to go for beers with them after work.

 

When I showed up his gf threw up her arms and said, "You invited him!" He then looked a bit embarrassed but we all went, typical night, drinking, telling stories, being silly. But she refused to talk to me. Towards the end I had been talking with another group and rejoined their table to find this guy and his girl in an argument over me. She couldn't stand me (though we did not know each other or have a single word). He was standing up for me saying I was a cool guy and she was being a b----. I stopped them and told him in private I did not wish to cause trouble.

 

He later invited me on other outings, but I always respectfully declined. He was a cool guy and I did not want to bring things down. This was always the standard drill everywhere I go. So, I knew it would lead no where. I was sad I was not able to enjoy my stay like a person should.

 

This girls did not know me and yet she had such a violent reaction to my presence. Some girls are nice, but seem to pity me for some odd reason. They're action is the same, just in a nice way. This is a very tame example of the effect I have on women. Some have been horribly mean. But never tell me why.

 

I never, ever push myself on people. My introduction to this fellow was a one time event and meant as much a joke as anything. Just thought is would be a funny way to introduce myself.

 

You think after a lifetime of such rejection, you would get used to it but you don't. I have recently moved into a new place and speak to no one. It may be a bit sad, but I know it is for the best. I know it sounds like a self profitsiing, defeatist attitude, but believe me after 50 years and hundreds of examples, it is purely practical and I am thinking of all involved.

 

Just don't know why.

Edited March 9, 2016 by bob the brave

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Oddly, I never hated myself or felt bad about myself. I always knew what I wanted to do and have either accomplished it or still working towards it. That alone seems to fill a void to a good degree.

 

But what I don't get is why I must do it alone. Others, men as well as women, treat me like I'm a visitor from somewhere else. It can seep in and affect even the tiniest of things like my whole adult life whenever I go to see a movie, which is rare, it has always been by myself.

 

As a small example, I ended up in one university in China were I knew no one but there were a handful of expats on campus. I would pass one guy who I knew lived above me but he never said a word. So, on the third day I knock on his door and say, "WTH, I blow into town and you don't help at all what the hell kind of neighbor are you?' I said this, of course, in a complete joking manner. He started laughing and invited me to go for beers with them after work.

 

When I showed up his gf threw up her arms and said, "You invited him!" He then looked a bit embarrassed but we all went, typical night, drinking, telling stories, being silly. But she refused to talk to me. Towards the end I had been talking with another group and rejoined their table to find this guy and his girl in an argument over me. She couldn't stand me (though we did not know each other or have a single word). He was standing up for me saying I was a cool guy and she was being a b----. I stopped them and told him in private I did not wish to cause trouble.

 

He later invited me on other outings, but I always respectfully declined. He was a cool guy and I did not want to bring things down. This was always the standard drill everywhere I go. So, I knew it would lead no where. I was sad I was not able to enjoy my stay like a person should.

 

This girls did not know me and yet she had such a violent reaction to my presence. Some girls are nice, but seem to pity me for some odd reason. They're action is the same, just in a nice way. This is a very tame example of the effect I have on women. Some have been horribly mean. But never tell me why.

 

I never, ever push myself on people. My introduction to this fellow was a one time event and meant as much a joke as anything. Just thought is would be a funny way to introduce myself.

 

You think after a lifetime of such rejection, you would get used to it but you don't. I have recently moved into a new place and speak to no one. It may be a bit sad, but I know it is for the best. I know it sounds like a self profitsiing, defeatist attitude, but believe me after 50 years and hundreds of examples, it is purely practical and I am thinking of all involved.

 

Just don't know why.

 

Sounds to me like you are so focused on being rejected, that you refuse to see yourself as anything but someone who should be rejected. You focused so much on the negative in that situation that you forced out the positive that was there for the taking. You DID have the ability and the means of enjoying your stay like everyone else, but you focused all your energy in that negative moment. That rejected moment. Then proceeded to reject yourself for others. They weren't rejecting you. Just that one dumb chick. The guy was willing to fight his girl to hang out with you. You then became the one rejecting others.

 

Now this is probably a coping mechanism that you have developed over the years. Where you protect yourself from ever feeling rejected by not allowing others the opportunity to reject you. You put yourself into situations where there isn't a way to be rejected by others, because you are rejecting yourself for them. Self love. A person who loves themself would have accepted that guys request to go out. Because that is what you truly desired.

 

Your coping mechanism isn't working for you. It protected you for years, kept you going, but now it's no longer protecting you.

 

You ask why I'm suicidal? Well my coping mechanism that was protecting me for years is failing me now. It's no longer working and I'm left looking in a mirror at a person I loath. So what am I doing about it? I'm trying to learn how to love myself. And I'm trying to find a more healthy way of coping with my pain.

[bob the brave]

You ask why I'm suicidal? Well my coping mechanism that was protecting me for years is failing me now. It's no longer working and I'm left looking in a mirror at a person I loath. So what am I doing about it? I'm trying to learn how to love myself. And I'm trying to find a more healthy way of coping with my pain.

 

Funny we both seem to have reached the same point from opposite directions. You seem surrounded by love and acceptance. What could possibly make you hate yourself?

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Funny we both seem to have reached the same point from opposite directions. You seem surrounded by love and acceptance. What could possibly make you hate yourself?

 

A lifetimes worth of avoiding my issues. Knowing im a weak person. Incapable of providing the love my wife and kids deserve. The ever present feeling of simply not being good enough. Mentally I'm in a good place today. Was in a good place yesterday. Monday was a different story and for a good week before tuesday. I have yet to face my issues. Yet to put in the work necessary. And in the back of my head I know I'm doing all those that love me a disservice by being so weak. I'm simply not enough. And the people I care most about are being brought down by me. One can't love another properly if they don't love themselves. My family deserves much better then I seem capable of giving them. I wish they had something better then me.

[bob the brave]

My family deserves much better then I seem capable of giving them. I wish they had something better then me.

 

Sounds like you're way too hard on yourself. You're wife and kids seem ideally happy and industrious and I think that reflects on you. I don't think they could be that way if you didn't provide a caring, supportive and nurturing environment. The fact that you have accomplished all you have and care about your family so much in spite of a weakness makes you even stronger than you may believe.

 

Man, they are far better with than without you. Suicide is only an option only when we have no other and it seems likes you got a ton of resources to tackle whatever ails you. This unhappiness is the voice of some inner demon you need to bring into the light. Nobody's perfect and we all make mistakes. It might be worth talking with a licensed counselor just to get an outside perspective of what's bothering you and how to handle it. You make Donald Trump look like a very poor man and I see no reason why you should feel bad about anything.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

You make Donald Trump look like a very poor man and I see no reason why you should feel bad about anything.

 

Same can be said for you. Your accomplishments are vast. Women would be lucky to have you. Now you just need to realize that of yourself.