I'm the other guy involved with a committed woman..

[BlackInk]

Alrighty.. here we go. I've never sought out advice on the internet but I really need some help on where to go from here.

 

Spring/Summer 2014 I became involved with a woman in a relationship with a man long term. They have been together for 11 years and have two kids together.

 

I know I messed up and I'll probably be judged. The guy was a former co-worker of mine for a couple years. We were never really close friends, but casual work friends I guess. We never hung out much outside of work. Anyways I'll try to make this story as short as I can because it's a very long one.

 

I switched jobs pursuing a medical career. I'm a decent mechanic and like to work on cars. I used to work on their cars for them, I would do maintenance and minor to moderate repairs on their vehicles to help save them money and they would pay me a little bit but it would be fun, getting to hang out with them and stuff. I would do this every couple months to a span over a few times a year starting from 2010.

 

Anyways, I guess you know where this is all going. His girlfriend (I say girlfriend because they've been together 11 years and not married). And I started talking. We swapped numbers and would talk on the phone and text. Classic start up, all started very very innocent, and progressively started getting more frequent and personal until after a couple months it turned into a full blown emotional affair. She told me everything about her and I learned everything about her in those span of months. It consumed all of my free time and even while working. I learned about their pitfalls in their relationship, she has always had a rocky relationship from the beginning, they've both cheated on each other once in the past already.

 

So things lead to another, emotional affair turns sexual, and then eventually turns physical. I slept with her in fall of 2014. I have always been a very conservative person. I've only been in two previous relationships in my early 20s (I'm in my late 20s now and so is she, her boyfriend is early 30s).

 

I felt very guilty, but I couldn't deny that my feelings for her were strong. We connected very well and would talk about anything and everything. She was also very, very beautiful. I was also drawn into her beauty. I'll be honest, I'm somewhat a pretty average joe. She is definitely out of my league, a solid 9/10 I guess if I had to put it. I've never been with a woman this physically attractive before, so I am sure that played into it.

 

This began our affair, where our feelings grew strong. I felt very guilty but I couldn't stop the intense feelings for her and infatuation so I kept it going. I justified myself by hearing all the bad things she said her boyfriend would do. I know I'm not right by doing this, but my judgement was clouded at the time. She shortly told her boyfriend after and came clean to him. He was hurt very badly, but he never confronted me or became violent. He just said he hated me and never wanted anything to do with me again. He would beg her to stop seeing me but she didn't listen.

 

We fell in love, and continued to see each other for another solid year. She would come over every week, every two weeks with some small gaps in-between and stay the weekend. We would have sex and go out together, things like that.

 

The flame would steadily die down for me at times. I would feel terrible and guilty what I was doing. Sometimes I would think I want to be single too and I would want space. The more I would see her, the more her downsides would come. I quickly learned that she is extremely clingy to the point of too much. She is also somewhat big into the party/clubbing life which I am not at all. I am just a conservative stay at home geek. Hell I don't even drink alcohol at all. I still play video games and nerd out. She occasionally goes clubbing and drinks a lot, I am not into this at all.

 

So here is the kicker where things get really ****ed up, while all this is going on she is still living with her boyfriend and sleeping with him, so essentially seeing both of us. She claimed she ended things with him and they separated, but they still live together, and take care of their kids but they no longer sleep in the same bed, he sleeps downstairs and she sleeps upstairs, but they still have sex and stuff. She claims it got to the point where she had to have sex him with or he would kick her out. She doesn't work, she is on disability for depression and anxiety. She hasn't worked since shortly out of high school, he supports her and all of the household.

 

Her family and boyfriend are all extremely dysfunctional where I guess I am more traditional.

 

She tells me she wants to be with me but is terrified of leaving him and change. And aside from that, I know deep down inside I'm not ready for taking on her two children who are both under 8 years old. I have no kids, I live alone, hell I don't even own a family car, I have a sports car. I couldn't even support her and her kids on my own income, I make enough to get by comfortably and can enjoy myself, but bringing her into the whole equation I know I couldn't support her, then being tied to her boyfriend/ex still, I just don't think I'm up for taking on this.

 

But something tells me she doesn't want to leave her boyfriend. She still lives with him and still sleeps with him. I tell her that if she wants to be serious with me I can't accept her sleeping with another man but she tells me she has to. I call BS on it. As long as she is living with another man and sleeping with him I can't do this. But at the same time, she won't leave him, and even if she did, I couldn't support her. I live in a small guest house on my own. There are just way too many moving parts to all this, and I'm getting so overwhelmed.

 

I feel guilty and terrible about it all. I really like her a lot, she is beautiful, we have a lot of chemistry, but she has a dark side to her that I don't like, she does a lot of things I don't agree with and she still lives with him. It's all pushed me away. I'm getting overwhelmed and I know my instinct tells me to end it and not sleep with a woman who is still living and sleeping with her boyfriend, broken up or not. The fact that she has kids, and all of that. It's just getting crazy to me.

 

I started getting very depressed from it all. I haven't seen her since September of last year. And I'm remaining strong, but she has constantly text and e-mailed me. My lease ended in October and I ended up moving to another small guesthouse in the same subdivision and I haven't told her my new address or anything. I told her I wanted space from it all, but she won't leave me alone. She writes me and texts me all the time, she will send me colossal emails going back and forth how I've hurt her and abandoned her, how I have rejected her. And at times, I get soft and I feel very sorry for her, but at the same time, I jus t feel like we can't work in this situation, for one I'm not going to be with a girl on a serious basis who sleeps with her live in boyfriend still.

 

She is relentless and won't leave me alone. This last weekend I finally mustered up the courage to tell her very cut and dry that I want to end it. She told me she is absolutely devastated and emailed me too very very long heavy hearted email how she feels her life is over and how she never wants to lose me, but at the same time she tells me that I deserve to be happy and how I'm not her problem. I get so confused by her.

 

Despite all this she still hasn't moved out of her house. She lives in a very big expensive house with her boyfriend and two kids. Claims they aren't together but sometimes I just don't completely buy it. She portrays it like it's a room mate situation.

 

I'll admit, in the midst of all this madness I do miss her, and the stuff she writes me I do start feeling very sorry for her and I can't help but feel for her. Sometimes I get tempted to get sucked back in and see her again, but she has also hurt me a lot with her lifestyle, her unwillingness to understand my feelings and how much it hurts that she still sleeps with her boyfriend while trying to commit to me. It's unfair because she compares us like a real relationship but that has never been the case. She has literally only seen me on the weekends, I've never been with her kids, just her only. We spend the day together without the everyday challenges of life. It feels more like a fantasy then a relationship, like an escape for her.

 

I know she cares about me deeply, knowing she's this obsessed. But the constant writing and texting, it feels like she's addicted to me and using me as an escape, she just won't leave me alone, she tries to draw me back in but I resist, I want out. I know it's the right thing to do. I figure that as much, I just want to see what others say about it because I've never had anyone to talk to about my situation only. I know deep down what is the right thing to do.

 

She has gotten very angry at me, sending me long texts in the middle of the night.. things like that. Few days later she will apologize and be rational again, it's like a cycle. I tell her how we are basically an affair and she says things like "All you see me as an affair" .. every single time I bring her up sleeping with her boyfriend/live in still, she back peddles and tells me she has too.. always kind of brushes it off. Sometimes she'll say it's not right but it never changes anything.

 

It's a shame because I do like this girl a lot. But her other side to her is a lot to deal with, then her two kids, and her boyfriend that she still lives with. It's so much for me to take in, I've never done anything like this before.

 

So all of you, men and women, please give me some perspective what you all think about this scenario and what I should do. I just want to be single again. Life was so simple, I have no kids ... I just work and go home, enjoy my car, my hobbies, friends. Life is simple for me. This past year and a half has been a crazy rollercoaster of emotions. I feel guilty, overwhelmed, and mixed emotions.

 

 

Anyways.. that is the short version. Please give me your advice.. thanks all.

Edited March 9, 2016 by BlackInk

[whichwayisup]

Anyways, I guess you know where this is all going. His girlfriend (I say girlfriend because they've been together 11 years and not married).

 

They are common law. She's more than a girlfriend, seeing as she is the mother of their two children they had together. They are a family unit. They live together and have built a life together, just minus a wedding.

I justified myself by hearing all the bad things she said her boyfriend would do. I know I'm not right by doing this, but my judgement was clouded at the time.

 

You do know MOST MM (married men) and MW(married women) tend to skew the truth to their advantage, rewriting history and making their partner/wife/husband out to be the bad guy. And sadly most believe it ... Until they realize most of it wasn't true. But by then it's too late..

So here is the kicker where things get really ****ed up, while all this is going on she is still living with her boyfriend and sleeping with him, so essentially seeing both of us. She claimed she ended things with him and they separated, but they still live together, and take care of their kids but they no longer sleep in the same bed, he sleeps downstairs and she sleeps upstairs, but they still have sex and stuff. She claims it got to the point where she had to have sex him with or he would kick her out. She doesn't work, she is on disability for depression and anxiety. She hasn't worked since shortly out of high school, he supports her and all of the household.

 

What a selfish person she is. Isn't working and lets her partner take care of her and all the household duties, and she thanks him by cheating on him and having an A with you - Someone he actually knows.

 

Bolded - Please tell me you do not believe this. OMG, this woman has spun lies and you're eating it up!!

 

She's a total mess and has some deep issues, you are sure this is the woman you love? Look how she treats the father of her children!! And you think she'll treat you any better?

 

If he truly was hateful towards her, he would have kicked out of the house and allowed her to go straight to you. She's lying to him as much as she's lying to you! I hope you see this?

 

Best thing you can do is leave her alone and let yourself heal. End it and stay in NC mode. It'll be painful but not as painful if you stick around longer. She has two men now hurting by her own hands.

[13Hearts]

You are smart to recognize your limitations. You would be right to leave the children's mother alone, with their father. Whether they are married or not, they are a family. You don't want to break that up, do you?

 

You should change your email address and block her number so she cannot email or text you.

 

Mean what you say and say what you mean. You've told her you want to end it; now end it.

 

Late 20s is the time to find someone to settle down with and create a future together. This girl's not it but she taught you some things, didn't she? Focus on bettering your position in life so that if and when you want to have a family of your own, you can.

[BuddyX]

You're getting played. The sad part is you don't mind it. If you really wanted her out of your life you would've forward her emails to her Boyfriend with the "Please keep your B on a leash" tag line

 

You say traditional? Really after this relationship?

 

Listen, from what you described, she's arm/eye candy for her Man. She's hot, low education, stays at home which equals to putting out for her man. I've seen the dynamic before.

 

They're still being intimate. And you're getting sloppy seconds.

 

Dude, there's so many women out there. Really, this is the best you can do?

[FusionCutter]

You're hurting, you feel wronged, you realize the blackness in the situation.

 

Clear your mind, and break the cycle. This woman while she may feel like she cares about you, does not. Her actions speak way louder than anything she says or tells you.

 

She has sex with him and then with you.

 

Is it worth the pain? Of course not. Her selfishness is causing you pain and you're trapped.

 

It's not real. You have stolen moments. You're like a statue frozen in time. End it for your own and make the jump to an airtight break.

 

This woman is not good for you, your emotional and mental health.

 

You need to have faith that there is another out there. I know it's tough but you really have to look at yourself in the mirror and reflect.

[BlackInk]

Thanks for some of the replies guys. It helps a lot..

 

She e-mailed me again, so long winded.. telling me that I'm making this all about me now, how I am the one rejecting her, telling me she's never going to be the same again and how I hurt her to the core worse then anyone ever has, Telling me how she is going to have a hard time taking care of her children. She told me her boyfriend wants to move out, took a higher paying job to do that, etc etc.

 

And yet again, failed to completely ignore the fact that I am calling her out on still sleeping with her boyfriend/ex/whatever he is now. Completely dismisses it, not even a fleeting thought on it.

 

Whew, she's a tough cookie. It's a lot to take in.. I know emotions ride high. I'm wondering if she is being dramatic.

 

Of course I know she is but I always think "What if"

 

I know I sound stupid, but I care too much and feel bad. But like I said I haven't seen her since September, I'm standing my ground.

[whichwayisup]

OMG she IS being dramatic.

 

Bottom line is this, all you have to tell her: I have no interest in seeing or speaking to you ever again. I am choosing to end the affair and not look back. Please respect my wishes and don't contact me again. It's obvious you're never leaving the father of your children, you're continuing to live life with him and that's okay but leave me out of it.

 

Then cut her off.

 

If you keep contact with her, the more drama will unfold in your life.

 

She's no prize and the more time that goes by *if you can stay in NC for a few weeks* you will see all the red flags, and also be more objective. You'll see what a mess she truly is and possibly realize that walking away IS the best decision you can make for yourself.

[BlackInk]

Yes I know.

 

I've already told her I wanted to end it. I don't like being blunt, she sees it as being very mean, I know it sounds harsh. I guess I'm too soft right now and want to let her down easy, but she won't take being let down easy.

 

Ending these things is never easy, I guess I have to grow thick skin and pull the lever (sort of speak).

[velvette]

Block all avenues she can use to contact you.

 

 

You've already stayed away from her from months, so something inside you knows she's no good. Finish the job.

 

 

Not hearing her drama, pleading and whatever else she is doing will enable you to end this for good.

 

 

She sounds like a user trading on her looks and sex. Is that what you want in a partner?

 

 

Even the father of her children who she's been with for 11 years doesn't want to be tied to her in marriage. Ever wonder why?

 

 

Spend some time by yourself and then look for a woman with more substance who will be an equal partner, bring more to the table, and treat you right.

[velvette]

Yes I know.

 

I've already told her I wanted to end it. I don't like being blunt, she sees it as being very mean, I know it sounds harsh. I guess I'm too soft right now and want to let her down easy, but she won't take being let down easy.

 

Ending these things is never easy, I guess I have to grow thick skin and pull the lever (sort of speak).

 

 

Trust me, she'll be fine. She's the one being mean to you and she will go on being mean and using people to get what she wants. She's far from weak and helpless.

[Sassy Girl]

She is a freaking hot mess...

 

And you're not thinking with the right head

 

What future do you think you have with an uneducated mother of two with mental health issues so bad she's on disability and hasn't worked a day in her adult life.

 

Plus a liar and a cheater To boot.

 

9/10... You're kidding right? If your best friend came to you with this exact story, what would you tell him?

 

Reality check dude...beauty fades. Crazy is forever.

Edited March 9, 2016 by Sassy Girl

[Popsicle]

Some WW's leave for the AP (more than MM's, that's for sure), but some WW's won't EVER leave. Your WW is one of the ones that won't ever leave.

 

You need to accept this, go NC (tell her to not contact you anymore and block her if necessary) and move on.

[SammySammy]

Typical OM story. It's interesting how our stories are so similar with minor differences.

 

I have a saying: I would rather be alone than be unhappy (or mistreated).

 

At some point, I realized I had to do what was best for me. You need to do the same.

 

What you did is regrettable, but don't beat yourself up over it. Take responsibility for your actions and move on. I did so by cutting all contact with my AP. February 20th marked one year of complete no contact.

 

She was relentless also. Incredibly resourceful and persistent, using several methods to try to contact me. I resisted them all and believe she has now figured out that I'm done. Done. Done. Done.

 

I've used the past year as a time to heal (which is what NC is for - a time to heal). Lots of reflection. Introspection. Forgiveness - forgiving myself and her. Self-improvement - study, gym time, etc. Determining what is right for me, what's unacceptable and what I want going forward.

 

I suggest you do the same. End this affair immediately. Strict No Contact. Then spend time reviewing what happened and determining what type of man you want to be going forward.

[Popsicle]

February 20th marked one year of complete no contact.

 

Congratulations. My 1 year date is coming up on May 1st.

[SammySammy]

Congratulations. My 1 year date is coming up on May 1st.

 

Thank you.

 

It has been an interesting journey to say the least. We live and we learn.

[sandylee1]

What a crazy woman she is.

 

If you think logically....which rarely happens in affairs..this will never have a happy ending for you.

 

- Way too much baggage with her BF who you equally betrayed

- You are in no place to support her with the kids

- She is a dramatic hot mess who ONLY thinks of herself

 

When you move to the new place..... simply block her number or better still get a new number. Send it to all your contacts except her

 

Then think clearly about the reality of sleeping with your friends partner. No need to minimise and say you weren't that close. You were close enough to go to their home and work on their cars as a friend. Own it and learn from it. If other guys hear this.. they'd never want you as a friend... in case you move in on their partners.

 

Think about the sort of person you'd like to be....what kind of example or role model you would like to present to any nephews or young people in your life.

 

You sound like an intelligent man with a lot of talent.. .. don't let a pretty woman play you for a fool and mess with your emotions.

 

Believe me there must be hundreds of single women that would want to be in a relationship with you. You just need to stand up for yourself and think about your state of mind.

 

Would you and could you ever trust her even if she left him? This is not a relationship you want any part of..as it will ruin your life.

You will have wasted years on her and be stuck as though it's Groundhog day.

 

You're worth more than this.. take control and put this behind you. Don't let it define you and start being proud of your choices in life.

[Poppy47]

Hi Blackink.

 

She sounds very overpowering and demanding.

 

She also sounds as though she knows exactly what she is doing with you. You are there at her beck and call.

 

So what if you sound harsh? It's your life too.

 

You need to push her away from you.

 

Poppy.

[TaraMaiden2]

If she's having an affair with you and is with this other guy still, she is anything BUT committed.

 

Maybe she should BE committed, by the sound of her....

[BlackInk]

Thank you all .. you have all been a wonderful help and have given me a lot of insight, taking this whole thing on by yourself can be very difficult. My parents and closest friend knows about the situation and they pretty much tell me the same thing, it's always nice to have some additional voices to solidify everything when I read it.

 

I get so frustrated because she tells me that her and her MM are separated, 100% disconnected, saying he wants to leave (never does). All that, yet she still sleeps with him because she "has too" .. I do believe to an extent that they are disconnected... but I think she is overblowing it a little bit.

 

Since I've refused to see her since September she has done an endless cycle of being incredibly sweet, nice, and logical and respecting my decision, then she will give me my space for a bit (a week or two). She will then come back very mean, illogical, kind of in a crazy mode. She never actually insults me or anything, just very angry. Then she will apologize and be nice again. It's literally been like this for almost 6 months.

 

 

I guess the best thing is to put up a steel curtain and just go into total ghost shut down mode and never contact her again. I'll probably get my number changed which is a total pain but I suppose it will help, might even change my e-mail address to.

 

I just wonder how long it will actually take before she finally backs off. She's pretty relentless.

[Midwestmissy]

It's sounds like she's in a narcissist cycle - kindness, self pity then if she doesn't get what she wants, rage. This isn't going to change, she gets off on the drama. My mother in law is this person - I've cut her out of my life after feeling trampled on for so long. I'm just sorry it took me this long.

 

She would do very offensive - and subtle - things, and when I'd finally push back, she'd get the huge puppy eyes and say she couldn't believe how much I'd misunderstood her! That her motives were pure. That my stupidity hurt her. It was cuckoo. I'm out.

 

The fact that you feel bad for her shows you how effective she is. As long as what she's doing is effective, she will take any attention she can get. If there's no contact, she will just find the next "soul mate".

 

Run.

[13Hearts]

Thanks for some of the replies guys. It helps a lot..

 

She e-mailed me again, so long winded.. telling me that I'm making this all about me now, how I am the one rejecting her, telling me she's never going to be the same again and how I hurt her to the core worse then anyone ever has, Telling me how she is going to have a hard time taking care of her children. She told me her boyfriend wants to move out, took a higher paying job to do that, etc etc.

 

And yet again, failed to completely ignore the fact that I am calling her out on still sleeping with her boyfriend/ex/whatever he is now. Completely dismisses it, not even a fleeting thought on it.

 

Whew, she's a tough cookie. It's a lot to take in.. I know emotions ride high. I'm wondering if she is being dramatic.

 

Of course I know she is but I always think "What if"

 

I know I sound stupid, but I care too much and feel bad. But like I said I haven't seen her since September, I'm standing my ground.

 

If you want to mature, you will need to get to the point where you understand that being right makes no difference and make the difficult decisions in life required to do right by your fellow man. That means seeing clearly the needs of others, especially those of children, and taking your focus off all this dysfunction. You can point your finger at her all you want, but as long as you do, you are missing the opportunity to grow up.

[BuddyX]

If your friends and family are telling you, then they're already loosing respect for you. You're that guy that listens to everyone's great advice and does opposite.

 

Go NC. She's sending you emails. That's not NC. Block her email or threaten to send the emails to her man.

[Popsicle]

Thanks for some of the replies guys. It helps a lot..

 

She e-mailed me again, so long winded.. telling me that I'm making this all about me now, how I am the one rejecting her, telling me she's never going to be the same again and how I hurt her to the core worse then anyone ever has, Telling me how she is going to have a hard time taking care of her children. She told me her boyfriend wants to move out, took a higher paying job to do that, etc etc.

 

And yet again, failed to completely ignore the fact that I am calling her out on still sleeping with her boyfriend/ex/whatever he is now. Completely dismisses it, not even a fleeting thought on it.

 

Whew, she's a tough cookie. It's a lot to take in.. I know emotions ride high. I'm wondering if she is being dramatic.

 

Of course I know she is but I always think "What if"

 

I know I sound stupid, but I care too much and feel bad. But like I said I haven't seen her since September, I'm standing my ground.

 

You think you're not doing anything regretful because you haven't seen her in person nor had sex with her, but what you are having is what we call around here, an emotional affair, which is still very detrimental to you. You need to cut all contact with her. I recommend warning her with an email first or she'll go even more nuts.

[Popsicle]

Also, her boyfriend is PATHETIC for staying with her.

[anika99]

Also, her boyfriend is PATHETIC for staying with her.

 

I say Thank God her boyfriend is staying with her because what would happen to her poor kids if they had to rely on their selfish and disturbed mother for everything? I think the boyfriend knows his kids won't be well taken care of by her and that may play a part in why he keeps her around.

 

OP your Ex MW is very selfish but then again you also behaved very selfishly. On the one hand you whine that she won't leave her boyfriend and won't stop having sex with him and yet on the other hand you know she can't support her children and you don't want her kids or her baggage either. Do you care one bit about what would happen to her children if they lost their father? Forget about your affair partner and what a train wreck she is for a minute and reflect on yourself and what you are.

 

You are still having long winded conversations with her where you complain to her about having sex with her BF, which implies that you still would consider being with her if the BF was out of the picture, otherwise you wouldn't even mention it to her. You let her stay in contact with you because you are still hoping she will pick you, yet she can't support her kids and neither can you and you don't want her kids anyways. Do you see how wrong that his. You don't want her children but you wanted to break up their home so you could have their mother. Never mind all the finger pointing at your affair partner. Who do you want to be?