Last Resort

[Ashbash11]

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted on LS in a while.. I usually come here when I'm in desperate need of advice, support, and/or "someone to listen" or to add their own experiences. I feel like this time around, this is sort of my last resort.

 

Where do I start....I know I have posted about these issues several times already, so I will try not to make this repetitive.

 

I continue to feel empty, lonely, misunderstood, depressed, and lost in my life. I feel "stuck", like I'm living in a routine or a loop that I can't escape from, and I feel very alone. I feel all of these things on a daily basis. However, on "paper," my life looks perfect: I'm fairly young (31), married, live in a house, have a full-time job, car, etc. Even a cat.. Wow. I have it all. But I don't. I have no close, fulfilling friendships in the state I live in, or family. My efforts to connect with others and make friends have been largely unsuccessful, leaving me questioning what I am doing wrong. Or, wondering if there is something "wrong" with me. OR, if it's just difficult to make new friends in your 30's? My marriage of two years is in trouble, too. My husband works 10+ hour days plus commutes, and so do I. We rarely have sex (once per month?), and we lack emotional intimacy in our marriage. Every day is the same. Wake up, drive 50 minutes to work, work all day, come home, watch TV, cook dinner, go to sleep, repeat. My husband prefers to watch TV or be on his phone/laptop in the evenings, so we never have meaningful conversations or connect on a deeper level. We just sort of exist together, like roommates. When I try to get his attention, or point out that I feel ignored, he becomes defensive and we argue. We argue almost daily. And when we have serious "talks," nothing ever changes. It's a waste of energy. I'm just skimming the surface of these problems... We have no social circle or group of friends in our town, either, so we spend most weekends together, just the two of us. He has friends from work, but they live 45 minutes away, since neither of us works in the same town in which we live. We live in an east coast town where everyone keeps to themselves, for the most part. I moved here to be with my husband for his job. He thinks I resent him for it... I deny it, but maybe on some level, I do resent him. And then there's my job. I work in the public school system where I am overworked, under-appreciated, and where I can never do enough to please everyone. And I'm under constant stress from work... I have to live with the stress, and I don't have a support system to help me deal with it, except for my husband... I'm stuck doing this type of work in order to have my huge student loans forgiven (I'm doing public service forgiveness). We also have financial problems: my husband has around $10,000 of credit card debt, and poor spending habits. He wants to rent out a room in our house to help pay off his credit cards. The thought of living with a stranger causes me anxiety, but he insists upon it. He is also overweight, because he has a sedentary job and he loves to eat. He refuses to take care of himself physically. Neither of us takes care of ourselves physically, although I am trying.. I started horseback riding again. And I try to watch what I eat... A lot of times, it feels like an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship.

 

In order to help myself and try to find clarity, I saw a therapist for 6 months who I really liked, but therapy didn't do much to help me. My therapist decided to focus on my childhood mostly, and when I asked to focus on the present and using strategies to change my present thoughts/feelings/actions (cognitive behavioral therapy), he became somewhat defensive. He also became frustrated with me because I refused to medicate myself for "depression" and "anxiety" in order to get through my daily life. Then our health insurance changed, so now I don't see anyone. I have also joined meetup groups, taken dance/art classes at a local center, tried other activities, and reached out to coworkers and others I know in our town, but I have had very little luck making friends or finding a "community" to fit into. I've tried to make life more interesting and less draining here, but my efforts haven't yielded any results. Life continues on, much the same as the first day we started living here together. I just feel like I'm a prisoner of my own life. And then I get angry at myself for feeling this way, because I created this life and I have no one to blame, except myself. I just feel really trapped. I miss feeling passionate and excited about things. I miss feeling part of a community, and like I "belong" somewhere. I feel very isolated, like I'm just existing day to day. I can't figure out if this is something that I need to change my mindset about, or if I need to do something drastic, like sell everything, move, and start over. Or, get a job abroad.. or... just re-examine my life and make major changes. I feel confused, and lost. I wonder, does anyone else my age feel this way? Is it normal to feel the way I do? Maybe I overthink things too much. My therapist told me that my anxiety drives my "obsessive thoughts", and that I should rest my mind. But the truth is, I haven't always felt this way. When I was in graduate school and younger, I had a group of friends and many hobbies/interests and a passion and creativity that I feel I lost. I can't imagine living this way until I retire someday at 60 or 70. I just don't know what to do.

Edited March 9, 2016 by Ashbash11

[whichwayisup]

First off, find a new therapist. Your issues are NOW, not from your past. Find someone you connect with and is open. Maybe someone who is a life counselor more than a regular counselor. Don't give up, I can promise you when you find the right one and click, your whole life will change for the better!

 

Instead of having talks with your husband, change it up and go on dates. Have fun and remember why you married him in the first place.

 

Seems life has got in the way, daily routines the same and things are stale.

 

Good that you're horse riding, continue doing that and also take an art class, painting or something different. Or a cooking class. Join a yoga group too, do meditation daily it'll help with your anxiety. Journal your thoughts on paper too.

 

Everybody goes through blah times just don't let it go on and on for years. You do have the power to make things better even if it's hard to do.

 

Don't give up on your husband, show him kindness and love when you talk to him so he won't be defensive.

[d0nnivain]

What do you want to change in your life?

 

 

A new job? More money? New friends? A better connection to your husband?

 

 

Make a list. But make sure they are things you can change. You can't change your husband's weight. Only he can do that.

 

 

Put the list away.

 

 

Now you are going to jump start change. I read this in a self help book once & do it every so often when I need to get motivated because it works.

 

 

Make another list. This will take a while but you have to brainstorm & free think. Write down every single annoyance in your life. Everything from the big stressors like your job to the trivial, like your favorite blouse that is missing a button; the dust behind the 'fridge, those 5 pounds you want to lose etc. List all the things that are broken, not working, in need of attention. Expect this list to be long; my 1st one was over 200 items. Put that list away again until the weekend.

 

Pull out the list on your designated Saturday & start working on the things you can fix right then & there. Sew on the button. Dust. Clean out your closet. . . whatever the little things you can actually do are. Some of mine took a little longer than immediately because for example I had a to take a favorite watch to jeweler to get the battery replaced.

 

 

Cross off the things you accomplish & put the list away on Sunday night after reading it to see what you have accomplished & what still has to be done. Keep busy through the week. Don't just sit when you get home.

 

 

Pull the list back out in two weeks. You will be shocked at the number of things you did without even referring to the list.

 

 

Pay yourself on the back.

 

 

Now take out the 1st list you made about the BIG changes. Write out some S.M.A.R.T. goals & the steps you will need to take to achieve your dreams. Then get started but each weekend keep whittling away at your other list.

 

 

When you get rid of the clutter & the little things that weigh on your mind without you realizing it, you will be free to tackle the more challenging stuff.

[Ashbash11]

Whichwayisup,

Thanks for your reply. I actually did find a new therapist recently. She seems to be more focused on the present and setting personal goals. But, I've only met with her once so far, so we will see. If she doesn't work out, I will keep searching until I find someone else who is a good fit. I like the ideas about going out on dates with my husband... we are trying that now. The problem is, I already have let this go on for years.... 4 years, to be exact. Since my husband and I moved to this state to be together (after long distance), it's been a disaster. The two jobs I've had have both been terribly stressful, we've always had LONG commutes, and we've been irritable, overweight, tired, and we bicker constantly. None of this is new. It's been this way for years. And I'm not even sure that the therapy and all the new activities will change it. But, I can always hope!

 

Donnivain-

What an interesting idea! Thanks for sharing. I will try the list.. Some of the things I want to change: I want a social life/social circle of friends, an interesting, rewarding job that is low on the stress scale, a shorter commute, to live in a city with many interesting activities/people and a diverse group of people to choose from as friends, happy marriage with more intimacy (both emotional and physical), and to feel passion, excitement, and to want to wake up in the morning.

[camillalev]

I remember own of your previous posts, it sounds like you could have copied and pasted it here, your struggles and thoughts seem exactly the same. You need o make a decision. A therapist can help but it's your life you need to change. Maybe you aren't attracting friends because you're unhappy and depressed, people can generally sense these things and gravitate to those that seem happy or positive.

 

You need to make a major life decision, things won't change until you do. One some level you probably know this.

[Ashbash11]

Camillalev,

I have to respectfully disagree. I don't think that my trouble meeting friends is because I am depressed/unhappy and people can "sense it." I know many others who are clinically or severely depressed and have plenty of friends. Don't you? People who are on medication and in intensive therapy, and still have friends/make friends. I think a lot of it is circumstantial. When you are in your 30's, people start settling down, getting married, having kids.... The focus shifts, and people aren't as open to cultivating new friendships. That's what I've observed. I also live in a suburban area where EVERYONE drives a car and keeps to themselves and there aren't a lot of younger people in my age bracket. Plus, I'm married without children, so I don't have opportunities to join "mommy and me" groups to befriend other parents and whatnot. There aren't many other couples in our town who are married without children.. And in terms of coworkers, mine are mostly 50's and older. I'm one of the youngest at my job. People working in public schools also aren't incredibly social. There are almost never happy hours or after-work events. In terms of making friends, it just feels like a lost cause.... But I desperately want it. The loneliness hurts sometimes...

 

Yes, I agree that I need to make a major life decision. But... I was asking, how? And it's not that simple. My husband loves his job here and I don't want to take him away from that. I actually applied for some jobs in another state and city in which I'd much rather live, but I feel incredibly guilty for doing that because it would mean leaving my husband behind... And forcing us into a long distance marriage, which are difficult and taxing on the people involved. Things just feel very unsettled, and I was trying to reach out for clarity. Therapy, talking to friends/family, and trying new activities hasn't helped me find it. I thought that maybe strangers on LS could help, but perhaps not. Worth a try, though.

Edited May 4, 2016 by Ashbash11

[d0nnivain]

Did you try the lists?

 

I have always found some success jump starting the big things by taking a weekend & cleaning up the little things.

 

Last summer we even hired a professional organizer to help us with the garage & the downstairs which had become a dumping ground. Boy did that decluttering episode really help get us moving in other areas. We sorted out some financial issues & got motivated in other areas.

[Fruitee]

You sound like me about 2 years ago. What I did was got divorced, moved to live alone, started my Masters. Now I live closer to work. Have new friends. I dont feel stuck. I am doing me and being myself. Even met a guy I connect with. Good luck.

[Els]

Hi Ashbash,

 

I think I might recall your thread from last year - sorry to hear you're still having problems. I'll address the easiest Q first...

 

I do think it's harder to make friends in your 30s or even late 20s, compared to in school and college. There's something about being naive children or teenagers that makes the bonds stronger, I think. Also, the strongest friendships take time to develop and grow, so if you've moved recently to be with your husband then it is normal to struggle in this regard.

 

I think it's incredibly problematic that your husband is raking up $10,000 of CC debt while you are struggling in a job you are unhappy with to pay off your student loans. What did he even buy with that, was it for necessities like a basic car to get to work with or work clothes? Or was it stuff that he could really do without?

 

I also think that given that you've been so unhappy with your marriage for so long (you've been unhappy for over a year, yeah?), nothing you do seems to work, AND you're both still fairly young, have no children together, and the M is fairly new... It isn't so terrible to leave. In fact, if you are this miserable 2(?) years into your M with no children, and it hasn't gotten better for a whole year, I think it would be best to leave.

 

I feel confused, and lost. I wonder, does anyone else my age feel this way? Is it normal to feel the way I do? Maybe I overthink things too much.

I don't think you're overthinking things - you are arguing with your H every night, you are miserable with your job and your life - those are all concrete issues and unlikely to be the product of overanalysis. I don't think it's normal to feel this way for an entire year at your age, either. Our lives have many parallels - I'm close to your age, I moved to be with my SO, finished up with grad school, am working now... and I don't feel the way you described. While I do have a few down days, I'm mostly happy with my life, not miserable. I get stressed sometimes but I mostly enjoy and feel fulfilled by my work, my R isn't perfect but we have a decent amount of intimacy and we enjoy our time together most nights. I don't think constant and unrelenting unhappiness should be a given at ANY age, really.

 

I can't figure out if this is something that I need to change my mindset about, or if I need to do something drastic, like sell everything, move, and start over. Or, get a job abroad.. or... just re-examine my life and make major changes.

Yes, I think you should. IIRC you have been considering this for an entire year, which means it isn't just a passing flight of fancy. I don't think you should resign yourself to another 40-50 years of misery out of desire to conform. Edited May 7, 2016 by Elswyth

[Fruitee]

I agree with previous poster. It is okay to question yourself and your life and your choices in your life. But for that to last years is not okay. And it has nothing to do with overanalysing.

 

You are not happy. You are not satisfied. Things are not the way you want or wish them to be. And things are not changing either.

 

Take control of your life. Otherwise you will be back here once an year for the rest of your lifw.