Husband's weight gain

[nom_de_plume]

I'm hoping I can get some good advice on how to approach this subject with my husband. We've been together for over a decade and when we met, he was an average weight and size - well within the normal range for his height and body frame. He wasn't toned or fit, just average. Early on in our relationship, he quit smoking so there was some weight gain associated with that. But over the past decade, he's gained a lot of weight and is now in the overweight range. And he carries it all around the midsection. I've tried everything to motivate him to be more active - walking our dogs, riding bikes on nice days, going to the gym with him as a workout buddy, sex for every day he works out. I've told him that I want to be physically attracted to him. I've reminded him that it's important to his health (the doctor recommended that he lose weight due to high triglycerides). I've done everything except call him a lazy fat ass. He's even at a point where he gets winded during sex and has to stop. This past weekend, we went on a mini vacation with some friends and did some hiking. And it became very evident how out of shape he really is and if he doesn't make a change for himself - not for me or for sex - he's setting himself up for obesity. The worst part about it is he watches his family reach obese sizes and criticizes them for it. I'm very active - I'm a runner - and I'm always moving around so he always has the opportunity to join me in my activities.

 

As far as diet goes, he cooks vegetarian for us, so at home he eats well. Outside of the house, he eats fast food and drinks a lot of sodas. I know that because I log all our spending and I see the cups and bags in our recycling bin.

 

Any advice you guys could offer would be greatly appreciated.

[jenkins95]

Hi nom_de_plume

 

I totally relate to this - I sound just like your H! Although I have turned it around a lot, and am much fitter these days

 

Rather than massive changes that may be daunting and difficult to maintain, lots of small manageable lifestyle changes can cumulatively make a big overall change. That was my approach, and it has worked well for me. Some ideas: -

 

1. Soda and fast food - this is the big one to me! This is what gave me a 'Santa Claus' physique! I love soda, but I was drinking it every day. I now reserve it as a treat (one a week) and all other times drink water. It sounds like you guys cook and eat healthy stuff at home, so why not make a bit extra and he can take that with him to work instead of hitting the fast food joints? This will save calories and money. I have a rule that nothing is absolutely banned - if it is then it has power over you! But fast food should be an occasional treat, not the norm.

 

2. Exercise. It is one thing to go out specifically to exercise - that is great, and you should encourage that as often as possible and do it with him - walks, sports, etc, but as well as this I am constantly looking for opportunities to do mini-exercises in the course of my normal day. e.g. always use to use stairs instead of lifts/escalators/elevators where possible, go for a little walk during work breaks, lunches, etc, park the car 5 minutes from the office and walk the rest, etc - look for little opportunities all the time.

 

3. Eat 3 meals a day (or even 4 smaller meals), never miss any of these - especially breakfast as it can affect metabolic rate and also lead to snacking if he gets hungry due to missed messages. try not to eat anything after 7pm if possible.

 

4. No snacking between meals. Does he work in an office? My office was a nightmare - every day someone seems to bring in biscuits, donuts, etc to celebrate a target being achieved, someone leaving, a birthday, etc - you can rack up 1000 calories without even thinking about it if there is a table full of that kind of stuff for people to help themselves to throughout the day. The occasional treat is OK, but as a general rule, no snacking, except fresh fruit and water between meals is good to follow.

 

5. get him a pedometer and set him the target of walking more than 10000 steps every day.

 

6. Monitor his weight and record his readings in a spreadsheet. Once he starts losing weight and getting fitter, monitoring his own progress will become another motivating factor and lead to more momentum. If you can record other things - heart rate, blood pressure, BMI, body fat content, etc and record that too - then great! You can even generate graphs from this to - a nice line showing a gradual downwards movement ;-)

 

7. Don't do any fad diets, or try to lose weight too quickly. Lots of small changes will lead to gradual readjustment of his weight, fitness, physique, etc. Quick weight loss diets rarely work long term.

 

8. encourage him (I see that you already do) and maybe take on some of these changes yourself. Talk about it together and make it a joint challenge for you both!

 

Will add more as I think of them!

 

Good luck!!

 

Jenks

 

I'm hoping I can get some good advice on how to approach this subject with my husband. We've been together for over a decade and when we met, he was an average weight and size - well within the normal range for his height and body frame. He wasn't toned or fit, just average. Early on in our relationship, he quit smoking so there was some weight gain associated with that. But over the past decade, he's gained a lot of weight and is now in the overweight range. And he carries it all around the midsection. I've tried everything to motivate him to be more active - walking our dogs, riding bikes on nice days, going to the gym with him as a workout buddy, sex for every day he works out. I've told him that I want to be physically attracted to him. I've reminded him that it's important to his health (the doctor recommended that he lose weight due to high triglycerides). I've done everything except call him a lazy fat ass. He's even at a point where he gets winded during sex and has to stop. This past weekend, we went on a mini vacation with some friends and did some hiking. And it became very evident how out of shape he really is and if he doesn't make a change for himself - not for me or for sex - he's setting himself up for obesity. The worst part about it is he watches his family reach obese sizes and criticizes them for it. I'm very active - I'm a runner - and I'm always moving around so he always has the opportunity to join me in my activities.

 

As far as diet goes, he cooks vegetarian for us, so at home he eats well. Outside of the house, he eats fast food and drinks a lot of sodas. I know that because I log all our spending and I see the cups and bags in our recycling bin.

 

Any advice you guys could offer would be greatly appreciated.

Edited March 9, 2016 by jenkins95

[d0nnivain]

Can you do more hikes & exercise activities with him at home not just on the mini vacations?

 

 

Invest in a lunch box so he's not resorting to fast food when out & about.

[Popsicle]

I always wonder why people who are very fit and into fitness get with people who are right on the edge of being overweight and then act shocked and complain when they become overweight. I would never take that risk.

[MightyPen]

OP, I understand your motivations are good and that you legitimately want to help your husband. You sound desperate, and you have to realize you CAN'T make him do it.

 

I'll admit the "rewarding him with sex for days he works out" thing left a bad taste in my mouth. I can only imagine the response if the genders were reversed on that one. "I give my wife sex when she is a good girl and exercises." I don't think sex should be used as a "carrot."

 

I would suggest you just keep doing your thing, staying active, being a good role model for a healthy lifestyle, and hope that one day it "clicks" with him.

[dichotomy]

I applaud you for trying so hard - and not cutting of sex when your not that attracted. I am on the fence about sex as a reward - but at least its something.

 

It seems to me the fast food and soda's is a major issue. I like the suggestion of you packing him a reasonably healthy lunch - don't go all healthy or he wont eat it - just solid choices. Although it still has some issues - you could also try buying a case of flavored seltzer (zero cal) for his lunches as well. They make some nice black insulated lunch bags - I have some from amazon. Almonds and nuts are good things to include as first line in diet change, as is skim cheeses.

 

I know your a runner, but brisk walks are the best first for out of shape folks. He may not loose a ton of weight but it gets the body working. I would really try to get this every night even if a mile only.

 

Also not sure how he might take it - but wonder if their is a martial arts place near by with adult classes. Depending on the type of marital arts - they can include some good workouts and a place for him to build some friendships with other guys and gals who are active.

 

Do you guys have children ? Sometimes appealing to his need to be there for them can help motivate a person to keep in shape.

[ShatteredLady]

Slow & steady is the answer. PLEASE don't encourage him to throw himself into hard exercise, no running!

 

I have a degenerative spine & have worked supporting chronic pain patients for a good few years. The worst thing you can do I take an out of shape body & throw too much at it. Regular walks & cutting out all the 'bad' food (mostly) is the great way to start.

 

Best of luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

I've tried everything to motivate him to be more active - walking our dogs, riding bikes on nice days, going to the gym with him as a workout buddy, sex for every day he works out. I've told him that I want to be physically attracted to him. I've reminded him that it's important to his health (the doctor recommended that he lose weight due to high triglycerides). I've done everything except call him a lazy fat ass.

 

Wow, you sound like me - 10 years ago.

 

My wife has gained 50 lbs over the course of our marriage. She's a "comfort eater", food has a specific meaning to her beyond nutrition and I'll bet your husband falls in the same category. I also tried everything to manage and encourage her weight loss - though maybe not so overt as the sexual rewards on gym days - with little success.

 

And then one day I took a close look in the mirror. Even though I'm in good shape and have maintained my weight (probably good genetics as much as anything else), I don't look the same either. Less hair, more wrinkles, droopier eyelids - I wasn't the same, I just had different changes than she did.

 

I still encourage my wife to exercise and eat right, usually by example, but her weight is her weight and her responsibility, I fired myself as marital weight loss director. Everything else I've ever loved about her is still there and that's where my focus has been. Those things she can't or doesn't want to do I do on my own or with friends, she's really not into sports anyway, she'd rather watch old movies (ugh!).

 

OP, all this probably not what you want to hear, you're hoping for a "solution". It comes down to this - there's things I don't understand but I accept. My marriage certainly isn't perfect but it's really good. You'd have to decide if similar compromises are worth it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[understand50]

nom_de_plume,

 

As a couple we both struggle with weight, and at our age, running and jogging are out.

 

The only thing to do is have patience, love and encouragement. Eating is something we all have to do, it is not like being a drug addict where you can work at never taking anther "hit"

 

I wish you and yours luck.....

[DreamP]

I am in the same situation. I have gone from the trying to be encouraging to the down right drill Sargent who says it like it is and I haven't found any success. I have packed the healthy meals, I have tried to find exercises that he might like (even though they weren't my favorite). I exercise with my kids so it is a family activity. None of this works. Basically, you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

 

You are doing all the right things. Try to talk to him because unless he wants to do this, you can't make him.

[BettyDraper]

What worked for my husband and I was being brutally honest with each other.

 

I gained lots of weight from being inactive and eating garbage. My husband finally said "You have put on a lot of weight. It's not healthy and you don't look as attractive." I was upset but he was absolutely right. I stopped smoking weed and started eating properly with frequent exercise.

 

On my end, I politely asked my husband to please start exercising and dressing nicely again. I asked him several times and he would agree and then stay the same. I finally became very angry with my husband because I didn't appreciate being told one thing and seeing him do another. I said "I don't like the way you look. You have stopped caring about your appearance and I don't think that's good for either one of us. I'm younger than you and it's easy for me to find a man who cares about what he looks like. You decide if you want to lose me because you're too lazy and sloppy looking." We never had to have that conversation again.

 

I know that I sounded quite mean. My husband is someone who often does not make changes until drastic measures are taken. We will often discuss issues, he will agree to improve and then do the exact same things he said that he would stop. When that happens, only shouting and harshness works. My husband doesn't like to hear my mouth when I'm angry and frustrated. He also feels that I have every reason to be loudly upset if I have spoken to him nicely several times about the same issue.

[nom_de_plume]

I always wonder why people who are very fit and into fitness get with people who are right on the edge of being overweight and then act shocked and complain when they become overweight. I would never take that risk.

 

As I said in my original post, he was a healthy weight and size when we met/got married and far from being borderline overweight. So was I. I was running but I wasn't as fit as I am now.

[nom_de_plume]

Can you do more hikes & exercise activities with him at home not just on the mini vacations?

 

 

Invest in a lunch box so he's not resorting to fast food when out & about.

 

Not in our state. That's why we leave to spend time in the mountains. I do encourage him to take walks with me and the dogs but he has no interest.

[losangelena]

Weight gain is typically more of a psychological issue than a physical one. All the "motivation" in the world won't work unless he's willing to dig into why he's gaining weight or compulsively eating junk food.

[SammySammy]

Until your husband decides to do this for himself, there's nothing you can do to make him lose weight.

 

The best you can do is encourage him, be supportive and be a good example by continuing to keep yourself in shape. However, the motivation to start and see it through has to come from him.

 

Also, realize that after 30 men start to lose testosterone. We're more likely to carry weight on our stomachs and find it more difficult to lost the weight. Your husband may know it will be more difficult to lose the weight than it was in his 20's. He may be dreading the amount of work it will take. Resent the strict diet necessary to achieve the goal. He may also be afraid of failing so he refuses to start. It could be a myriad of things.

 

Let him know that you're concerned and are willing to support him every step of the way. Willing to do it with him. Hopefully, he'll decide it's important to him also and put in the work it takes to get it done.

[nom_de_plume]

Thank you all for the responses. Some follow up comments:

1. His lunches are healthy. He brings vegetarian lunches with him along with fruit and has a mini-fridge at work full of water. But he'll stop by on his way home for fast food and a soda. Whenever he gets a soda, he always orders a huge size and then tells me he didn't know it would be so big (really??!).

2. He'll start out slow on the exercises and go from there. But abandons it shortly after starting.

3. I honestly don't know if the sex thing was his idea, mine, or started out as a joke. I've since stopped it. He'll tell me, "You should reward me. I worked out," half-jokingly at which point I tell him the reward is in the workout. Lol

 

It sounds like I've tried it all based on the responses and I just need to give brutal honesty a shot. I hate to pick on him about something like weight but I can't help that I don't find fat attractive. Obviously he has many good qualities but being with someone who wants to look and be healthy are equally important.

[losangelena]

Well, my guess is he's stopping for fast food and soda on the way home as a way to indirectly deal with some other issue. I'm not saying it's an issue in the marriage or whatever, it's just that kind of compulsive, emotional eating is usually rooted in something other than the food itself. Is something going on at work? Is he under some kind of stress? Has he suffered any kind of major loss? Is he having some kind if existential crisis? Whatever is driving him to this habit needs to be addressed and worked on. Without that, he'll not have the motivation to change anything.

 

Good luck, OP.

[SammySammy]

I don't know if I would go with brutal honesty. The problem with brutal honesty is ... it's brutal.

 

I don't think you want to hurt him. Make him feel worse about it than he probably already feels. I'm quite sure he knows he's gained a lot of weight.

 

It may be best to approach it from a health concern aspect. That's a valid concern. My mother is suffering the consequences of being overweight right now. You don't want that for your husband. Trust me. It's not good to get older and suffer from something that was preventable.

[amaysngrace]

You resent him by secretly thinking he's a fat ass and withhold and reward him with sex and you say that HE is the one with the problem?

Edited March 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BettyDraper]

I don't know if I would go with brutal honesty. The problem with brutal honesty is ... it's brutal.

 

I don't think you want to hurt him. Make him feel worse about it than he probably already feels. I'm quite sure he knows he's gained a lot of weight.

 

It may be best to approach it from a health concern aspect. That's a valid concern. My mother is suffering the consequences of being overweight right now. You don't want that for your husband. Trust me. It's not good to get older and suffer from something that was preventable.

 

Yes, brutal honesty certainly has downsides.

 

I'm not normally that kind of person unless other communication styles have not been successful. I use brutal honesty as a last resort.

 

The health aspect is a good way to go. If that doesn't work then brutal honesty might be necessary.

[heartwhole]

I agree that you can't force him to change. When you married him, he wasn't overweight, but he was a smoker who didn't exercise and came from a family of overweight people. It's not as though he sold you a bill of goods by pretending to be a health nut. Nor was it reasonable to assume he would never gain weight when his lifestyle didn't support that.

 

What exactly was it that motivated him to quit smoking? That's arguably even harder than changing your eating habits, so he obviously had a lot of resolve. That's the key -- it has to come from within him. Otherwise the changes will be neither joyful nor lasting.

 

In my experience, all you can do is worry about yourself. Of course you are worried about his health, and you can and should say so, but if he refuses to make any significant changes, then I don't think you can nag or reward him into doing it. The motivation has to come from within him, just like it did when he quit smoking.

 

It's possible that the focus on vegetarian eating when at home is making him feel less than full. He would feel fuller for longer if he were eating lean protein. It's also possible that he thinks, "I ate so well for that one meal, now I get a reward." Maybe you can tweak how you eat when you're together and that will carry through to when he's on his own.

[RecentChange]

I will agree with someone others and say that the motivation really has to come from within....

 

That said, I see nothing wrong with serious encouragement, and perhaps you can convince him to make a "deal" with you to stick to a plan for something like 3 weeks. I know of many, once you get into an exercise routine (beyond 2 weeks) and start to feel the positive effects - it can be a bit addicting!

 

I would be trying to convey how much BETTER he will feel, inside and out with some exercise, first couple of weeks are tough, but once you get past that hurdle... it just feels good.

 

Don't make this about you not liking his fat belly.... I would make it about concerns for his health, and your desire to see him feeling his best.

 

Couple other points, you keep saying he eats vegetarian therefore he is eating healthy or in a manner that should control his weight.

 

How much protein a day is he getting? For many protein and (healthy) fats play a huge role in managing hunger. Maybe there are some dark emotional reasons for those fast food stops - or perhaps he feels famished and is grabbing what is quick, easy, and satisfying.

 

I have also found some vegetarian meat substitutes have MANY more calories than their "meat" counterparts. Any idea how many calories a day he is eating?

 

Everyone has various things that work for them - for me, as someone who has struggled with my weight, a high protein + lots of vegis diet is what works for me (coupled with 45 mins a day of cardio).

 

And yeah, the soda has got to go... its all bad.

[SammySammy]

I will agree with someone others and say that the motivation really has to come from within....

 

That said, I see nothing wrong with serious encouragement, and perhaps you can convince him to make a "deal" with you to stick to a plan for something like 3 weeks. I know of many, once you get into an exercise routine (beyond 2 weeks) and start to feel the positive effects - it can be a bit addicting!

 

I would be trying to convey how much BETTER he will feel, inside and out with some exercise, first couple of weeks are tough, but once you get past that hurdle... it just feels good.

 

Don't make this about you not liking his fat belly.... I would make it about concerns for his health, and your desire to see him feeling his best.

 

Couple other points, you keep saying he eats vegetarian therefore he is eating healthy or in a manner that should control his weight.

 

How much protein a day is he getting? For many protein and (healthy) fats play a huge role in managing hunger. Maybe there are some dark emotional reasons for those fast food stops - or perhaps he feels famished and is grabbing what is quick, easy, and satisfying.

 

I have also found some vegetarian meat substitutes have MANY more calories than their "meat" counterparts. Any idea how many calories a day he is eating?

 

Everyone has various things that work for them - for me, as someone who has struggled with my weight, a high protein + lots of vegis diet is what works for me (coupled with 45 mins a day of cardio).

 

And yeah, the soda has got to go... its all bad.

 

Excellent point about the vegetarian diet. That's why I mentioned men losing testosterone over time. He may need more protein to help him lose the weight.

 

I'm probably in the best shape of my life, but, at my age, losing belly fat is hard. It takes not just working out but a carefully monitored diet also.

[amaysngrace]

Buy him a Fitbit. I just got one a couple weeks ago and it's pretty cool.

 

Get him one with the heart rate monitor so he doesn't time out trying to lose weight so you can be attracted to him again.

[DreamP]

I'm a vegetarian and the American society is not very supportive of this diet unless you live in New York City. I read an article that showed vegetarians eat worst than non-vegetarians. What is your husband's meal consist of? Is he a vegetarian by his choice or yours?