Husband's weight gain

[BettyDraper]

I'm a vegetarian and the American society is not very supportive of this diet unless you live in New York City. I read an article that showed vegetarians eat worst than non-vegetarians. What is your husband's meal consist of? Is he a vegetarian by his choice or yours?

 

I think vegetarians are very accepted in LA.

[losangelena]

I'm pretty sure you can get plenty of protein from plants, grains and legumes. No to insult anyone here, but I think the typical Western diet mindset relies too heavily on eating meat (and I say that as a definite meat eater). I know one couple in particular who are vegetarian and are both very fit and active; the husband is an ultra-marathoner.

 

I do think the trick with vegetarian eating is to incorporate a ton of flavor, texture and whole foods into the diet (no fake meat or over-reliance on potatoes or greasy fried foods or pasta), otherwise, yes those eating it can get a bit bored or feel unsatisfied.

[RecentChange]

What I think Dream P was getting at, is that its much easier to eat a healthy vegetarian diet in a major metropolis like New York. LA is another one, and there are TONS of vegan / vegetarian choices here in San Francisco.

 

As soon as you head out to the burbs, even in California - not so much.

 

For example - lets say I am on a road trip with my vegetarian friend.

 

We stop for some fast food.

 

I get the grilled chicken sandwich with no mayo - 340 calories, 32 grams of protein, 4 grans fat.

 

Her choices are... french fries 230 calories, 2 grams protein, 11 grams fat, and a salad (basically no nutritional value, no protein) -

 

Or taco bell, she could get a black bean burrito with 380 calories, and 14 grams of protein, 11 grams fat, while I get two chicken soft tacos - 320 calories, 24 grams of protein, 5 grams fat.

 

I know for me, having spent a few stints as a vegetarian, I need to eat way more calories per day, to meet my protein and nutrition needs, than when I have eggs, fish, and meat in my diet. I was able to eat this way when I was VERY active, and had a job working outdoors 10 hours a day. Once I took an office job, that same diet had me packing on the pounds.

 

I'm pretty sure you can get plenty of protein from plants, grains and legumes. No to insult anyone here, but I think the typical Western diet mindset relies too heavily on eating meat (and I say that as a definite meat eater). I know one couple in particular who are vegetarian and are both very fit and active; the husband is an ultra-marathoner.

 

But these are people who exercise a TON, and thus NEED a lot of calories. If they ate the same diet, and were sedentary, I bet they would find that their calorie intake was way too high.

Edited March 9, 2016 by RecentChange

[Rockdad]

And she even pulled out the big gun...Sex!

[nom_de_plume]

You resent him by secretly thinking he's a fat ass and withhold and reward him with sex and you say that HE is the one with the problem?

 

Please don't put words in my mouth. Never did I say I withhold sex (in fact, I'd say we exceed the average for a married couple) and perhaps you should go back and read one of my follow-up comments regarding the "reward" before you comment.

 

Furthermore, you appear to have a problem with the way I feel and that's fine. We all have different things that we find attractive and repulsive.

[nom_de_plume]

He's not a vegetarian. Long story short, he wanted to give it a shot about 5 years ago so we both tried it. He decided he missed meat and I decided to stick with it. As far as our diet, we have a healthy one when we eat together. It's the sodas and the fast food that he picks up on the way home from work. I'm not sure what's driving it. I'm not aware of anything going on that would lead to emotional eating. In fact, he's not the type to get emotional. He is pretty impulsive so I think when a craving kicks in, he satisfies before thinking it through.

 

I think the biggest thing leading to his weight gain is the sedentary lifestyle. As someone said, the drop in testosterone leads to weight gain and he needs to have some exercise in his daily activity - even if it's just a walk. He knows it, he's critical of others' poor lifestyle choices, but he refuses to make any changes himself.

 

As for our vegetarian options around town, we live in a large, diverse metropolis so there are plenty of options.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's the sodas and the fast food that he picks up on the way home from work.

 

If he would ever keep an honest food log (very hard for overweight folks to do so and there's some very interesting research on the continuous underestimating that goes on), I'd guess you'd see he's consuming much more high-calorie food than a combo meal on the way home. If he's gained "lots of weight", there's probably everything from donuts off the break table at work to pizza lunches included.

 

Have you discussed bariatric surgery with him?

 

Mr. Lucky

[healingsoul]

I first off want to tell you that you are simply precious and well-motivated. I loved "sex for every day he works out" that in and of itself would highly motive many men.

 

What does he do all day? What does he like to do? You are going to have to motivate him with what he enjoys.

 

Basically, his health and diet has to be something that he begins to understand is a concern for you, but more importantly is a concern for him. Since he does notice his own family has weight issues, it might be a great time to talk to him in a serious conversation when he makes a comment about his own family. But it will have to be done lovingly.

 

The key is to get to the root of the issue, and as in everything that has to be something he wants to deal with. For many it can be that food brings comfort when they are stressed, bored or depressed. For others it can be that they are trying to hide behind their weight and they have self-esteem issues. For others it simply is a pattern and bad habit often from childhood that needs to be corrected.

 

It seems like you have already approached it many ways. Has he gone to a physical lately? How is his cholesterol? Do you think his doctor could discuss it with him?

[nom_de_plume]

Mt. Lucky, he's overweight, not obese so he wouldn't qualify - I would say about 15-20 pounds above his normal limit. He has a small frame and he's not muscular so I wouldn't be surprised if it was more. I'll mention the food journal but as with everything, he's not going to do it for very long. He likes video games so in his free time, that's what he does. Other than cooking, he doesn't do anything around the house. He doesn't even pick up after himself so he could literally spend an entire day sitting in the chair on the computer. He gets a physical every year and his triglycerides were high at one point and the doctor can't say much when he's overweight himself. Other than that, no health issues that could motivate him. I feel so bad about thinking this way. I want him to value his health and prioritize it over his hobbies. I want to be physically attracted to him. But this whole thing is beyond my control because I can't force him. I have to try really hard to look past the weight on a daily basis.

[DreamP]

RecentChange, thank you for summarizing my exact thoughts.

 

As a vegetarian, it is not easy to eat a well balanced diet in America unless you cook your own food 90% of the time and you don't have to cook for non meat eaters. Also, just because it's vegetarian, doesn't mean it will help you with your protein intake. Most vegetarian options at restaurants that are not specifically catering to vegetarians have a carb high meal. Trust me, I have been a vegetarian for over 2 decades. As a vegetarian, you really have to watch what you are eating and constantly count protein to make sure you get enough.

 

When you are packing his lunch, make sure it is loaded with proteins and healthy fats. If not, you feel empty soon. That may be why he stops for the junk food. Also, do you think you could make meat for him? If he gets it at home, he won't want to go to the fast food place to get it.

[alphamale]

Any advice you guys could offer would be greatly appreciated.

you need to dump this lard-ass and find a man who is into fitness like you are

[Lois_Griffin]

Mt. Lucky, he's overweight, not obese so he wouldn't qualify - I would say about 15-20 pounds above his normal limit. He has a small frame and he's not muscular so I wouldn't be surprised if it was more. I'll mention the food journal but as with everything, he's not going to do it for very long. He likes video games so in his free time, that's what he does. Other than cooking, he doesn't do anything around the house. He doesn't even pick up after himself so he could literally spend an entire day sitting in the chair on the computer. He gets a physical every year and his triglycerides were high at one point and the doctor can't say much when he's overweight himself. Other than that, no health issues that could motivate him. I feel so bad about thinking this way. I want him to value his health and prioritize it over his hobbies. I want to be physically attracted to him. But this whole thing is beyond my control because I can't force him. I have to try really hard to look past the weight on a daily basis.

Geez, forgetting that he's overweight and doesn't give a crap what he looks like, the fact that he acts like a 16 year old kid playing dumbass video games all day and can't even pick his own damned underwear up off the floor makes just him even more undesirable.

 

Sounds like you got yourself a real man-child there.

 

He may be 'only' 20 or 30 pounds overweight now, but since he has zero motivation to get off his lazy ass, don't be surprised when a couple years from now it's 50 or 60 pounds. That's coming down the pike one day.

[TrustedthenBusted]

All the exercise in the world won't overcome a high calorie, fatty diet.

 

If you have to focus on something, make it the food. Otherwise, he will work out, get the promised sex, and then go get a burger.

[Mr. Lucky]

He likes video games so in his free time, that's what he does. Other than cooking, he doesn't do anything around the house. He doesn't even pick up after himself so he could literally spend an entire day sitting in the chair on the computer.

 

Honestly, this is what your post should be about. The weight is just a symptom...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HopeForTomorrow]

Honestly, this is what your post should be about. The weight is just a symptom...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Completely agree with this.

 

Unfortunately, you are not going to change him. You can encourage and be supportive, but it has to come from him. It sounds like there are lots of other issues that go along with his weight problem and are related to sedentary lifestyle or even just laziness. I wish you luck.

[loveboid]

Maybe it's something simple like he likes the drowsy effect that sugary drinks give...it might help him relax or sleep at night.

 

my sister would give her little one a milkshake each night which horrified me. I thought she was spoiling him or didn't care about rotting his teeth. Now I think she realized it gave her peace when it made him sleepy. She probably wasn't even conscious of it.

 

Do you get along better with him when he's had his sugar?

[nom_de_plume]

Maybe it's something simple like he likes the drowsy effect that sugary drinks give...it might help him relax or sleep at night.

 

my sister would give her little one a milkshake each night which horrified me. I thought she was spoiling him or didn't care about rotting his teeth. Now I think she realized it gave her peace when it made him sleepy. She probably wasn't even conscious of it.

 

Do you get along better with him when he's had his sugar?

 

Not that I've noticed, no, although I will have to start paying attention.

[nom_de_plume]

Completely agree with this.

 

Unfortunately, you are not going to change him. You can encourage and be supportive, but it has to come from him. It sounds like there are lots of other issues that go along with his weight problem and are related to sedentary lifestyle or even just laziness. I wish you luck.

 

I've been giving this a lot of thought and I think you and Mr. Lucky are spot on. I've been so resentful of him for many years now for not doing his fair share around the house. I think it has built up and that along with the sedentary lifestyle, fat, and lack of follow-through are reaching a boiling point. Anytime I try to bring up any of the above issues, he either makes a joke or shuts down. I feel like I have a man-child, and I don't even like kids nor want them. And it became very evident to me during a recent weekend getaway to the mountains. He was struggling physically, lying around playing on his phone instead of helping me pack up and load up the car. I have to tell him to do things or they won't get done - put your dishes away, hang up the clothes I just ironed, pick up the dog piss if you see it first. Don't get me wrong - he has a good work ethic. He's a teacher by day, a professor by night. But when it comes to doing anything outside of work, he's a bum (I see it in his dad. Nice guy, worked many jobs simultaneously to support the family, but otherwise lazy and looks like he's 15 months pregnant).

 

I'm going to start making some changes around the house and that means putting myself first and caring less about what he does and how he does it. As long as it doesn't affect me, I don't care what he does. Sounds harsh but I'm sick of it and trying to talk about it is like beating my head against the wall.

 

And if he gets to the point where he's 50 pounds overweight, can't have sex, can't move, I won't be there.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have to tell him to do things or they won't get done - put your dishes away, hang up the clothes I just ironed, pick up the dog piss if you see it first. Don't get me wrong - he has a good work ethic. He's a teacher by day, a professor by night. But when it comes to doing anything outside of work, he's a bum

 

Sounds like some changes are overdue. And really, what's been his incentive to get off the couch? If he lets it go, you'll step and and cover. Assuming you both work full-time, he needs to do his share - stop doing it for him.

 

By the way, don't know if the rewards program is still in place, just wanted to let you know I worked out today ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Popsicle]

Do you want to be married to him?

[healingsoul]

I have read through this thread and saw a drastic shift in your attitutde. I missed what "Mr. Lucky" picked up. You have gotten to a turning point but I don't think you should give up yet. I was a little surprised when I saw that you said he was 15-20 pounds over weight. I am that and I by no means consider myself unattractive and nor does my husband.

 

 

I do think your frustration and disapproval of your husband is much deeper than the weight and you have simply picked something that seems safe.

 

You both need to focus on your marriage. A person is not disposable that can be tossed aside for a better model. You married him for a reason; most people do when they are in love and I encourage you to remember that marriage is a commitment that takes lots of work, especially after many years of being married.

 

I don't recall reading about you both seeking marriage counseling. I think it is time and it could help a lot. Seems you need to reconnect and learn how to better communicate and work together.

 

Every marriage goes through the harder years of the relationship, but I can tell you it is usually quite beneficial to work on your problems and differences than to move on.

 

I've been giving this a lot of thought and I think you and Mr. Lucky are spot on. I've been so resentful of him for many years now ...

 

I'm going to start making some changes around the house and that means putting myself first and caring less about what he does and how he does it. As long as it doesn't affect me, I don't care what he does. Sounds harsh but I'm sick of it and trying to talk about it is like beating my head against the wall.

 

And if he gets to the point where he's 50 pounds overweight, can't have sex, can't move, I won't be there.

[nom_de_plume]

Sounds like some changes are overdue. And really, what's been his incentive to get off the couch? If he lets it go, you'll step and and cover. Assuming you both work full-time, he needs to do his share - stop doing it for him.

 

By the way, don't know if the rewards program is still in place, just wanted to let you know I worked out today ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Lol...the rewards system is no longer in place.

[nom_de_plume]

Do you want to be married to him?

 

Not if I have to continue to be his mom. And I don't even like my MIL. I just want him to take ownership of his health, his environment, our household. It gets old being a caretaker and I'm not the nurturing, hand-holding type.

[nom_de_plume]

I have read through this thread and saw a drastic shift in your attitutde. I missed what "Mr. Lucky" picked up. You have gotten to a turning point but I don't think you should give up yet. I was a little surprised when I saw that you said he was 15-20 pounds over weight. I am that and I by no means consider myself unattractive and nor does my husband.

 

 

I do think your frustration and disapproval of your husband is much deeper than the weight and you have simply picked something that seems safe.

 

You both need to focus on your marriage. A person is not disposable that can be tossed aside for a better model. You married him for a reason; most people do when they are in love and I encourage you to remember that marriage is a commitment that takes lots of work, especially after many years of being married.

 

I don't recall reading about you both seeking marriage counseling. I think it is time and it could help a lot. Seems you need to reconnect and learn how to better communicate and work together.

 

Every marriage goes through the harder years of the relationship, but I can tell you it is usually quite beneficial to work on your problems and differences than to move on.

 

I think I just realized that it's not just the weight thing, rather it's the lifestyle in general. I personally find overweight people unattractive but good for you and your husband if you're ok with it. It's just not my cup of tea. And while I do understand that looks fade, letting oneself go just because one is married is not ok. I'm not being shallow - I just value being active and healthy. Nothing wrong with that. And as far as vows go, I think they're BS. I'm not saying I'm going to trade him up but if we get to a point where our values and priorities are no longer the same, I like knowing that I can walk. There's only so much encouragement I can do. If he's not willing to take responsibility for his own life, I don't have to stick around.

[healingsoul]

It seems like your mind is made up, and you were looking for confirmation that it is okay to walk away from your marriage. Why do you think wedding vows are BS?

 

If you leave this marriage and find another, will wedding vows be BS again?

 

I think I just realized that it's not just the weight thing, rather it's the lifestyle in general. I personally find overweight people unattractive but good for you and your husband if you're ok with it. It's just not my cup of tea. And while I do understand that looks fade, letting oneself go just because one is married is not ok. I'm not being shallow - I just value being active and healthy. Nothing wrong with that. And as far as vows go, I think they're BS. I'm not saying I'm going to trade him up but if we get to a point where our values and priorities are no longer the same, I like knowing that I can walk. There's only so much encouragement I can do. If he's not willing to take responsibility for his own life, I don't have to stick around.