Husband's weight gain

[losangelena]

I think I just realized that it's not just the weight thing, rather it's the lifestyle in general. I personally find overweight people unattractive but good for you and your husband if you're ok with it. It's just not my cup of tea. And while I do understand that looks fade, letting oneself go just because one is married is not ok. I'm not being shallow - I just value being active and healthy. Nothing wrong with that. And as far as vows go, I think they're BS. I'm not saying I'm going to trade him up but if we get to a point where our values and priorities are no longer the same, I like knowing that I can walk. There's only so much encouragement I can do. If he's not willing to take responsibility for his own life, I don't have to stick around.

 

That makes me wonder why you married him in the first place, though (pardon the way I put that, I don't mean to sound so harsh).

 

It seems like when you married him, he was an averaged-weight person with a penchant for junk food, who didn't work out, smoked, and played video games. If that's not a difference in values right off the bat, I don't know what is. It's not like he used to live an active, healthy lifestyle and quit half-way through your marriage. Did you think he'd magically change somewhere down the line?

[nom_de_plume]

It seems like your mind is made up, and you were looking for confirmation that it is okay to walk away from your marriage. Why do you think wedding vows are BS?

 

If you leave this marriage and find another, will wedding vows be BS again?

 

First of all, I haven't made up my mind about anything. I was merely asking for advice on how to handle his weight gain and my lack of physical attraction to him. Along the way I've realized that it's not just the weight issue.

Wedding vows are BS to me because you're basically promising to stick by his or her side regardless of what happens without accounting for any type of change. Many couples start out perfect for one another and grow apart.

Should they stay in loveless, unhappy marriages? Absolutely not.

 

As for myself, I will most certainly not be getting married again. It involves way too much work. The ideal relationship for me at this point in time is one where we have our own finances and a sense of autonomy. My H and I practically grew into adulthood together so at the time, we had nothing to split.

Edited March 11, 2016 by nom_de_plume

[nom_de_plume]

That makes me wonder why you married him in the first place, though (pardon the way I put that, I don't mean to sound so harsh).

 

It seems like when you married him, he was an averaged-weight person with a penchant for junk food, who didn't work out, smoked, and played video games. If that's not a difference in values right off the bat, I don't know what is. It's not like he used to live an active, healthy lifestyle and quit half-way through your marriage. Did you think he'd magically change somewhere down the line?

 

No, please I need harsh. I never thought of it this way. At the time when I met him, he was working out. He ended up having a falling out with his workout buddy and then was too busy working and studying. I honestly thought it was temporary. And since I was young and in love (the **** you don't think about when you're that age), I didn't think to look at his parents as a sign of what's to come. Over the years, I've noticed he's just become complacent about everything. i think a good chunk of it is my own fault though. I had a male coworker point this out to me. They (men) get so used to us doing everything that they stop trying. I'm sure this isn't all men but I can see that in our relationship. Basically I want to say to him the following: man up, take charge, and for f***s sake, take a long look at your 7-month pregnancy belly. It just won't go anywhere, is the problem.

[RecentChange]

Hey Nom - well it certainly sounds like it is time for a shake up!

 

Talking a friend once, he said, that he thought many long term relationships fail, as the lines regarding expectation and appreciation - dip and cross, resulting in unhappiness and resentment.

 

I can really relate to what you are going through. I have been in a long term relationship, and over time I found myself doing more, and more and more, why he kicked back and relaxed more and more.... I hate hounding and nagging (especially if it doesn't get any results!) so I just picked up all of the slack, which was ever growing.

 

The thing is, I didn't even realize it. I saw how much I was doing, and how little he was contributing, but I didn't consciously see the resentment growing, but oh boy it was there, even if I didn't realize.

 

I had a major shake up in my relationship - and it made him wake up and go "oh $h!t I am going to lose her" - And BIG changes have been made. I didn't even have to say "you haven't been pulling your weight" - he knew he hadn't been, and started making the changes on his own.

 

I know its hard, but I think you need to convey to him that this is getting serious, you can't keep up this routine any longer. Give him a chance to realize how much he will be losing if he doesn't step up.

 

- side question. You said he used to work out, so it sounds like he hasn't ALWAYS been a lazy slob. Any chance that he is dealing with depression or something else that is zapping his motivation?

[Rejected Rosebud]

All you can really do is everything possible from your own end. Only buy and cook healthy foods, don't go to fast food with him ever, ask him cheerfully to go on a walk with you over and over again no matter how many times he says "no," and go ahead and walk without him. Subtly make a big deal when he makes healthy choices. Trying to talk him into doing things differently, IMO, is unlikely to work. Just model it and never stop trying to get him on board with what you are doing anyway.

[GunslingerRoland]

A few things, I'm not sure when you say overweight if you're going by BMI standards or just your own common sense. I will say, very few adult men over 30 aren't overweight by BMI standards though, it doesn't adjust well for the height and frame of full grown men. Pretty much if a guy doesn't have a completely flat stomach or abs, he's probably overweight by BMI, I'm not sure that's a fair indication of anything.

 

Secondly you said, he's only 15-20 pounds overweight. All things considered, that is a very small amount of weight. Unless he's unusually short, or has a very small frame, that amount of weight, shouldn't really change your feelings for your husband from attraction tun attraction.

 

By glancing at the later posts in the thread, it sounds like you're realizing it, but I don't think this has anything to do with weight gain.

[Mr. Lucky]

There's only so much encouragement I can do. If he's not willing to take responsibility for his own life, I don't have to stick around.

 

When folks are motoring down the street and see a group of people on a hot day running through the park, the drivers fall into one of two groups -

 

- those that think only crazy people venture forth under the midday sun

 

- those that want to stop their car and join them

 

I can't imagine a life without exercise, when I'm on my bike or on court I'm in a bubble where every stress, worry or care sloughs off in each drop of sweat. Others like my wife doesn't feel the same way, she dislikes "hot and sticky" activities and prefers movies, gardening, etc. We've successfully lived in the overlap while allowing the other non-judgmental freedom to do their own thing.

 

She does however pick up after herself ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mirage10]

No, please I need harsh. I never thought of it this way. At the time when I met him, he was working out. He ended up having a falling out with his workout buddy and then was too busy working and studying. I honestly thought it was temporary. And since I was young and in love (the **** you don't think about when you're that age), I didn't think to look at his parents as a sign of what's to come. Over the years, I've noticed he's just become complacent about everything. i think a good chunk of it is my own fault though. I had a male coworker point this out to me. They (men) get so used to us doing everything that they stop trying. I'm sure this isn't all men but I can see that in our relationship. Basically I want to say to him the following: man up, take charge, and for f***s sake, take a long look at your 7-month pregnancy belly. It just won't go anywhere, is the problem.

 

You have to be fair to him and let him know what is at stake.

Otherwise this whole "excercise", pardon the pun, just comes across as a possible justification for an affair? Apologies if this offends you.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

I'm hoping I can get some good advice on how to approach this subject with my husband. We've been together for over a decade and when we met, he was an average weight and size - well within the normal range for his height and body frame. He wasn't toned or fit, just average. Early on in our relationship, he quit smoking so there was some weight gain associated with that. But over the past decade, he's gained a lot of weight and is now in the overweight range. And he carries it all around the midsection. I've tried everything to motivate him to be more active - walking our dogs, riding bikes on nice days, going to the gym with him as a workout buddy, sex for every day he works out. I've told him that I want to be physically attracted to him. I've reminded him that it's important to his health (the doctor recommended that he lose weight due to high triglycerides). I've done everything except call him a lazy fat ass. He's even at a point where he gets winded during sex and has to stop. This past weekend, we went on a mini vacation with some friends and did some hiking. And it became very evident how out of shape he really is and if he doesn't make a change for himself - not for me or for sex - he's setting himself up for obesity. The worst part about it is he watches his family reach obese sizes and criticizes them for it. I'm very active - I'm a runner - and I'm always moving around so he always has the opportunity to join me in my activities.

 

As far as diet goes, he cooks vegetarian for us, so at home he eats well. Outside of the house, he eats fast food and drinks a lot of sodas. I know that because I log all our spending and I see the cups and bags in our recycling bin.

 

Any advice you guys could offer would be greatly appreciated.

 

I think of a relationship like a plant. It's something you have to maintain in order for it to grow. And letting go of yourself physically, is neglecting maintenance. On top of that, you can't have sex with a personality, it's physically impossible. However, I, along with others I have been with, have let themselves go physically once comfort has been established. And there's nothing more dangerous than being comfortable, ultimately, it's counter productive. And again, relationships are a thing of constant progress. So with that in mind, he should be trying to better himself. I hope you guys are able to work it out, and move forward.

[anika99]

Just wanted to chime in with a suggestion. I was always one of those people who could stuff my face, eat whatever I wanted as much as I wanted and I never gained weight. I never even thought about my food choices because I just had a great body no matter what I did or didn't do. Enter middle age and suddenly things changed. Over the course of a year I gained about 20 pounds which was lot for me because I am short and because most of those extra pounds were being piled onto my midsection. When I first started gaining weight I was kind of in denial about it. Blamed it on not getting enough sleep, just not exercising enough, being stressed and my personal favorite statement of denial was "the DRYER is SHRINKING MY CLOTHES!" LOL

 

 

Once I was good and chubby I realized I simply HAD to change my eating habits. Gone were the good ole days of high metabolism and eating whatever I wanted. At first I went radical and became a vegan. After about six months of misery I realized vegan wasn't for me. I just hated it!! I hate soy, and beans and almond milk. I ate a lot of fruits and veggies but I padded my diet with lots of starches like pasta and breads. I lost no weight, I fought cravings all of the time and I was unhappy. Then I decided to be vegetarian and cut out all sugar and that went about as well as being vegan went. Depriving myself of anything just makes me eat more of what I can have to try to get through the cravings. I actually gained more weight during this time and for a few months I just gave up altogether because I was so frustrated. Figured since I was going to be fat anyways I may as well eat whatever I want.

 

 

Then someone turned me on to weightwatchers and I joined but I didn't expect much because I had reached a point where I thought I'm old, entering menopause and there's just nothing I can do. Now when I say I joined weightwatchers I don't mean I go to meetings and cry in a big group about how I can't control myself..lol...I mean I paid the membership fee and downloaded their online App and I use the App every single day and it's the best thing I ever did! Weightwatchers really works and it's not hard. Nothing is forbidden, nothing is completely off limits and I never feel hungry or deprived. I won't bother going on and on about it because this whole post already sounds like some kind of sales pitch haha...I'm really not a rep for weight watchers but since I finally found something that is helping me lose the weight while still being able to actually enjoy my food, I can't help but rave a little about it.

 

 

Just go online with your husband and check it out. Ask him to just commit for one month because that's all I was willing to commit to when I joined. I expected to fail just like I failed at everything else. So ask him to just try it. You don't have to go to meetings or anything like that (although you can if you choose to) you can just use the App which comes with a cool little barcode scanner to scan different foods. I bet after a month your husband will see results and want to keep going.

Edited March 14, 2016 by anika99

[losangelena]

Now when I say I joined weightwatchers I don't mean I go to meetings and cry in a big group about how I can't control myself..lol

 

And OP, if your husband is a food addict or an emotional eater and cries in a big group about it, that's OK, too. Some people need that.

[healingsoul]

I totally understand. Marriage is work. And wedding vows can seem to be BS if the understanding is not that the vows is truly a commitment. UGH! How hard that can sound "basically promising to skick by his or her side regardless of what happens without accounting for any type of change."

 

 

I just can imagine a pre-marital counselor using that as a perfect example to a soon-to-be married couple and seeing them through rose-colored glasses agreeing that they understand this vow and still want to go through with the wedding.

 

But most people don't realize when they say the vows that they are truly making a commitment to another person to do exactly that. (And I would say unless someone is being abused or cheated on--these are strong exceptions, of breaking one's vows!)

 

I have recently told another person that marriage is dependent on YOU deciding that you want a marriage without regrets. At first that sounds great, but then you are explained that the way to have a marriage without regrets is for you to become the wife you will need to be in everyway possible... yes, this includes loving your husband where he is currently stuck, so that you will not have regrets that you gave up on your vows. You take on the responsibility that you will continue as you do to invest in yourself and become the best possible wife you can be. It is a selfless gift to love someone when they seem to have gotten to an unlovable (by your feelings, definition and gut). It is a step of growing in personal character, to learn to love someone, regardless of how much they change.

 

I say

 

this because it is amazing what unconditional love can do. It can be the cheerleader, encourager and motivator to cause a person to change where change seemed impossible.

 

Sometime people let themselves go because they allow themselves to become on the outside how they feel about themselves on the inside. Truly it seems your husband does not have a good view of himself and he in many ways has given up. So of course you are frustrated and long to move on.

 

I simply want to

 

encourage you to not give up.

 

I have been married 32 years and have been through many up and down years. I was just talking to another person today who has been married 34 years and this person totally agree with me in their life experience.

 

 

He said to me that it is through his wife that he learned what unconditional love is, and I agreed that for my case it is through my husband that I learned what unconditional love is.

 

Some of us have more problems than others; yes, like your husband seems to have glaringly more problems than you. BUT I can personally attest to the depth of reward that can be had in a marriage that makes it through the hard years because someone didn't give up but unconditionally love the other person to be the best person they could be.

 

 

 

Like the man I talked with today and I shared we now have our soulmates in our spouse, but it is so much sweeter and deeper because we worked through the hardest years and our spouse held on tight when we deserved it the least. This is the potential I am telling you that you have.

 

First of all, I haven't made up my mind about anything. I was merely asking for advice on how to handle his weight gain and my lack of physical attraction to him. Along the way I've realized that it's not just the weight issue.

Wedding vows are BS to me because you're basically promising to stick by his or her side regardless of what happens without accounting for any type of change. Many couplto ses start out perfect for one another and grow apart.

Should they stay in loveless, unhappy marriages? Absolutely not.

As for myself, I will most certainly not be getting married again. It involves way too much work. The ideal relationship for me at this point in time is one where we have our own finances and a sense of autonomy. My H and I practically grew into adulthood together so at the time, we had nothing to split.

[nom_de_plume]

Thanks for the additional responses, guys. I got a little busy with work and life that I haven't even had a chance to log in and respond.

 

In response to some of the comments/questions, no, I'm not looking for justification for a divorce or an affair. Yes, he is overweight when he has a small frame and looks like he's 4 months pregnant (or somewhere around there; never been pregnant, lol). He's not emotional or melodromatic with a complex personality. It all comes down to laziness and lack of willpower. It runs in the family. They're all overweight and they all make excuses for their poor lifestyle choices. They're all slobs and are so used to having someone else do the cleaning or tidying up (in their case, it happens to be a housekeeper, which I refuse to get). As for marriage vows, I stand by my argument. Yes, I'll be there for him, support him, etc. But at some point, if values diverge, it becomes difficult for both parties to stand by their partner. In that case, it's better to separate. I know of a couple who was together for 30+ years when the husband decided that his retirement meant sitting around on the couch, smoking and drinking while the wife wanted to travel and have fun and continue to live. The wife eventually left him because he wouldn't change. For those of you who choose to stand by your partner in this situation, more power to you. That won't be me and my husband knows it. And for the individual who said that you can't have sex with a personality, thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. Both looks and personality matter. I'm not saying that he has to be drop-dead gorgeous but he does have to be able and willing to look after himself. For an adult, this is not too much to ask.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

From a man's perspective, he needs a switch to go on to change his lifestyle. That is what happened to me. I had failed many other attempts at weight loss but this last time a switch went on that I needed to improve myself. A few months into it and I became addicted to my morning workouts. The issue is finding that switch for him. Also reading success stories of men his age/weight might show him it is possible but again the switch has be turned on.

 

 

A really good "former" friend of mine sounds similar to you (hey maybe it is you). Met her H when he was average weight. After they got married she fell off the face of the earth but we are now connected on facebook. She is into yoga and fit and trim. She has no pictures of her H on FB. Did some stalking and found some pictures of him and he is really over weight now. She was always into fitness and looking good. He is loaded money wise so maybe that's why they are still together.

[oldshirt]

The fundamental issue here isn't really about blubber, it's about respect.

 

Your values are such that you can't really respect a man that you see as lazy and letting himself go.

 

Additionally, since you value fitness and attractiveness, you also feel he is disrespecting you when he sits on the couch munching Cheetos on the couch while you bust your hump in the gym.

 

Respect is a key compenent of female desire, a woman simply cannot desire a man she doesn't respect nor desire a man she who she feels doesn't respect her.

 

This marriage is actually in more trouble than anyone is giving credit for at the moment.

 

It's just a matter of time before you meet a hot, ambitious, active hunk at the gym and all feelings for your H will be gone in days.

 

My reccomendation is to be brutally honest and upfront with your H and let him know what is really at stake her and that you are losing respect and desire for him by the day and that this current course will lead to you hitting the road.

 

What I am also about to say will have people freaking out and jumping up and down, but also recommend stop having sexual contact with him if you aren't feeling the attraction. As long as you have sex with him he will think everything is ok and that it's not really an issue. Actions always speak louder than words and not having sex with him will make your actions match your words.

 

If that doesn't motivate him, nothing will. Then if he continues to choose the couch and Cheetos, you have your answer.

[Who_took_my_name]

Whilst I don't fully agree with your sentiments (did you really say that you "wanted to be attracted to him" because it feels like if he's got issues that cause him to eat you will only exacerbate them with your approach), I get where you're coming from. The issue might well be he doesn't see a problem and speaking as a man if that's the case he might not change so you'll need to consider that.

 

Agree with another comment that men need a switch to go off or a reason to exercise. I've had negative body images for a long time, I'm 6'3 and 14 1/2 stone so fairly average but don't carry it well (moob alert!) but this year I'm making a real effort. It's for me and not for my wife, I want to be confident in how I look, where particular clothes or be confident to take my t shirt off.

[serial muse]

Just go online with your husband and check it out. Ask him to just commit for one month because that's all I was willing to commit to when I joined. I expected to fail just like I failed at everything else. So ask him to just try it. You don't have to go to meetings or anything like that (although you can if you choose to) you can just use the App which comes with a cool little barcode scanner to scan different foods. I bet after a month your husband will see results and want to keep going.

 

This is an interesting idea - I think WW works for a lot of people who struggle with motivating themselves or feel overwhelmed by the enormity of losing a chunk of weight, especially at an older age; it gives a structure and a kind of community, and many people find that helpful. Can't hurt to try, OP.

 

Also, I wonder if the secret junk food is a way of rebelling without saying he's rebelling. Like, he may want you to believe that he's being virtuous about vegetarianism, but deep-down he kind of doesn't want to do it anymore. Is he generally a bit passive-aggressive, or a conflict-avoider?

 

I tend to agree with losangelena here, as far as there being a psychological driver. Since there isn't an obvious issue that you already know of, OP, I wonder whether that old bugbear midlife crisis is happening, or some other emotional crisis that he's not sharing with you but that is sapping his motivation to do anything but sit on the couch.

[DevastatedDiva]

I have read through this thread and saw a drastic shift in your attitutde. I missed what "Mr. Lucky" picked up. You have gotten to a turning point but I don't think you should give up yet. I was a little surprised when I saw that you said he was 15-20 pounds over weight. I am that and I by no means consider myself unattractive and nor does my husband.

 

 

I do think your frustration and disapproval of your husband is much deeper than the weight and you have simply picked something that seems safe.

 

You both need to focus on your marriage. A person is not disposable that can be tossed aside for a better model. You married him for a reason; most people do when they are in love and I encourage you to remember that marriage is a commitment that takes lots of work, especially after many years of being married.

 

I don't recall reading about you both seeking marriage counseling. I think it is time and it could help a lot. Seems you need to reconnect and learn how to better communicate and work together.

 

Every marriage goes through the harder years of the relationship, but I can tell you it is usually quite beneficial to work on your problems and differences than to move on.

 

Normally I just read because of my marriage ending imminently but I felt I needed to post. From the way you have written phrases, like in the overweight section plus the notional amount of 15 to 20 lbs over normal range suggests to me you know his BMI. What is is height and BMI?

 

Understanding that I know neither of you and this could be out of left field... You mention how fit you keep yourself with running, exercise and vegetarianism. May I ask your BMI? The reason for this is a parallel with something I have seen before. Could it be possible that you keep yourself quite strictly to a BMI and weight range? If you do, I know that will take commitment and dedication and discipline, in other words, work, and you're proud of your accomplishment.

 

So using the themes of dedication, discipline and commitments (work) you notice ) isn't doing that to maintain a very fit body for you to be attracted to and for him to feel good in, and that is grieving you a resentment. For a man to lose 15 with a veggie diet and the gym and your support is a 14 day solution. He has all the tools he needs if that was his aim. Could it be his aim is to non verbally show you with his regular fast food and soda which is not being covertly hidden, but not in your presence because he knows you might judge him, so he is self sabotaging, and building resentments against you perhaps. He doesn't want to feel that his value to you his something you control.

 

Please don't humiliate him by weighing him.

 

I don't think this is about the weight. It's about control and resentment. He might be brewing over something else, and video gAmes, eating, all are escapist pursuits.

 

It would be good to have context of both your heights and BMI. There's more here perhaps. You are a good wife to want your man to be healthy. It's not about the food. You will need to dig deeper to help. To use a phrase "what's eating Gilbert Grape"

[samantha_t85]

I feel for you, OP. Your situation is a near word-for-word clone of my last long-term relationship! When we met he was not "fit" but he was of average weight. Through my love goggles I missed the signs of laziness that were there early on, and which eventually caused him to gain a great deal of weight. By the end of our 3-year relationship he was a good 40lbs heavier than when we met. He also, like your husband, had morphed into a complete lazy slob. He'd leave dishes, glasses, clothes strewn about our apartment; I was the only one who tidied or vacuumed or did laundry. If he wasn't at work, he was smoking pot, watching TV, playing video games, or eating junk food (or some combination of the above). To call it a turn-off is an understatement. Everything about our relationship, including our sex life, was suffering for it. I was 23 at the time, fit, attractive…living with someone who didn't seem to care to make an effort for our relationship in any way…and one day I was like, "what am I doing?"

 

We had several talks over the course of two years and I tried a lot of different angles, from sensitive and supportive to blunt and fed-up.

 

When I finally broke it off and moved out (due to this as well as a multitude of other factors), that was when he finally got motivated to change. He lost a ton of weight in the three months after our relationship ended and hoped that he could "win" me back. By then, I was already gone and had met my current husband (who is a much better match for me personality and lifestyle-wise).

 

I wish I had a happier ending for you and maybe you and your husband will find a solution that works for you. Just please don't feel bad about finding this to be an incompatibility. This is a lifestyle inconsistency as well as an attraction problem. I wish you the best of luck.