Confusion at its worst

[confusedbutterfly]

I found this site by accident and I'm glad I did. My story isn't terribly unique as others here but I figured I'd share it anyway. I'm married and have been having an A for the last 4 years with someone I met online. At first it was purely sex based and we were both completely fine with that. He had been doing this type of thing for many years before me and I passed no judgement on him as I figured he had his reasons. I was completely emotionally detached from my BH for many many years due to many painful issues and decision in our early relationship. We had a really good set up, our schedules allowed us to have complete freedom to see each other and what used to be a once a week, 2 to 3 hour meet up, turned into more over the years. We started talking daily, even when we were both away with our families, we saw each other 3 to 4 sometimes 5 times a week. We would take days off together and go on little "dates/adventures" to movies, lunch, shopping, trips to places in and around our area. He told me he loved me about a year and a half into this and I was shocked because while I felt it, I was NEVER going to admit it. I didn't want to make this more than it was. Slowly, after the 2nd year, he started talking about a future (as most do) and what it would be like to get married and start our own family.

 

Truth be told, I hadn't put much thought into it. He always said he never wanted to change his situation. He used to speak negatively about his BW right from the start. More about annoyances really but it amped up more and more as the years went on. He would express his frustration and his anger and I would sit and listen. I never agreed nor disagreed with what he was saying as it was his life, not mine. I would occasionally vent about my life and my BH but I never villainized him. It wasn't my style to do that. He spoke about her with such disdain that one day I challenged him and said, if you dislike her so much, why don't you just leave? And it almost always was the same answer...the kids...his kids are his weakness. Which I understood.

 

Fast forward to a year ago (early 2015) and my dday. My BH found an email and it wasn't anything that should have raised suspicion but everything came spilling out. It was ugly. 2015 was a miserable year for us. My AP backed off a little but still wanted me and I wanted him. He wasn't enthusiastic about me reconciling with my BH. I didn't want my marriage but I tortured my BH for months while trying to calm the situation down. As the year dragged on, my AP decided he was going to move up the time table and tell his BW but he got cold feet after the kids started school. It did show me for the first time that he was all talk and the probability of him leaving is slim to none. At the end of 2015, he had an idea that his time was coming to tell her that he was in love with me and that he was leaving. I didn't want to know when as I was tired of being disappointed and tired of the empty promises. I had fun with him and I was okay with it. He kept filling my head with how he and I made each other happy and how we would be amazing together and how no one knew him like I did and understood him and loved him like I did. He seriously convinced me that this was happening and I was actually excited at the possibility. Because the truth is, I did/do love him and I felt safe and protected and loved with him.

 

Fast forward to 6.5 weeks ago. He initiated his own dday by taking his BW aside and telling her point blank that he had been having a 15 month affair (I don't know why he lied to her about the length of time), that he was in love and that he was leaving her for me. Well, as you can imagine all hell broke loose. He didn't anticipate her reaction and what followed was hours of her crying, him crying and her begging him to stay and work on the marriage and expressing her undying love for him. I didn't hear from him that night as he told me he would call. Instead, I heard from him while I was at work. His call was short and was basically a kiss off. No explanation except he had decided to give his marriage a chance and that his family deserved the chance to try and that he was sorry, blah blah blah. I was devastated.

 

What has followed since then has been a nightmare. I had no intentions of ever speaking to him, but the next morning I sent one final email to our joint email as he had deleted all of our communication, all of our pictures, everything. I was angry to say the least as they were my memories too. The email was a bit long...it expressed my utter heartbreak but also that I understood....he responded almost immediately. We haven't stopped talking since. Mostly I've been listening to his situation and how volatile things are at home. Some days are good, some are bad and some are horrendous. He has refused IC and MC and his BW hasn't pushed the issue. A part of him admitted that he's hopping that she'll call it quits, but given her reaction I doubt that. He doesn't want to lose the family unit for his kids, but he isn't willing to give me up. He goes back and forth on wanting to keep his family together and leaving. He wants her to get over the betrayal and she was the one who begged him to stay. I said that it's unfair for him to expect that....regardless of whether it's a week out of a year out. It will always be there....her marriage (their marriage) will forever be tainted by the infidelity. He admitted to me on several occasions that he's basically giving her enough rope to hang herself with. He knows she will NEVER meet his emotional, physical or mental needs. But I know that if he's caught, he'll probably throw me under the bus so I'm slowly detaching emotionally...some days are much better than others and while I know most will advise NC, I can't and won't. What I can't wrap my head around is the selfishness...the sense of entitlement to cake eat. He himself knows it's wrong. Yet here we are. He is acting like him staying is a magnanimous act. All he's doing is continuing to lie and taking her choices away....but I digress.

 

And then there's me. I'm in IC and so far, things are good. I admitted the whole sordid thing to my BH and he is being patient as I work thru these emotions to detach. He wants us to have a future and to put this behind us, but he admitted that even he is struggling most days. I have not admitted that I'm still speaking to him. I know I will have to at some point. Right now I'm taking this one day at a time. My BH and I have not recommitted to reconciling so we are sort of in limbo. Which brings me to my newest issue with my AP. He actually wants me to essentially put my life on hold while he sorts this situation out at home and makes a decision....so I'm supposed to stop my life from continuing while he figures this out...that could be in a week, it could be in 6 months, it could be 3 years....thanks but no thanks. Right now I'm taking care of me and my kids. If my BH and I decide that we are better off apart then I will move on and I'll be okay with that. I do love my AP but I won't let him fill my head with nonsense because he thinks I'll stick around with false hope. He knows I'm better and smarter than that....I know I'm better than that. I don't regret the A. I don't regret having met my AP or the time we shared as we have had some really good times. It was very real to me. He does tell me that he meant every word and that everything we said/did meant the world to him. I don't know what the future will bring. Every day is a new day.

 

Anyway, thank you for letting me share my story.

[sandylee1]

Wow... what a mess you have there.

 

You don't love your husband and it seems like he's plan B right now. Why not just file for divorce and at least let your husband move on and start healing and find a woman who loves him.

 

You aren't committed to your marriage and you should be honest with your husband about your lack of feelings for him.... surely he deserves that much.

 

If you end the marriage and remain single while you get your head together.... The impact on your family will be less than you leaving for the OM.

 

You don't need telling that you and this man are causing a lot of hurt to your spouses.....this will in turn lead to your children being hurt.... that could lead to a whole load of other things.

 

You know what you should do.. but whether you will is entirely down to you.

[confusedbutterfly]

sandylee1 thank you so much for your reply. I do love my husband. I'm not in love with him and he is not in love with me. I've asked for him to let me go and he has been defiant. I am not intentionally trying to keep him on the hook for any reason and even for my children is still not a good enough reason. He won't let me go no matter how much I tell him he deserves better than me. I absolutely do know what I need to do. Unfortunately execution has become problematic.

[whichwayisup]

sandylee1 thank you so much for your reply. I do love my husband. I'm not in love with him and he is not in love with me. I've asked for him to let me go and he has been defiant. I am not intentionally trying to keep him on the hook for any reason and even for my children is still not a good enough reason. He won't let me go no matter how much I tell him he deserves better than me. I absolutely do know what I need to do. Unfortunately execution has become problematic.

 

Nothing is stopping you from moving out or telling him to move out. You don't love him, don't respect him and you've chosen to go ahead with the A regardless of the pain that it's caused everybody. 2 Ddays on your side, one on MM's side.

 

But, since it seems there's no divorce in sight, then your other option is, TELL your husband that you are still with MM and have no plans on ending it. Tell him he is free to date whomever and have an open marriage. At least this way he isn't trying to reconnect and fix things with you when it's obvious you have no interest in fixing things at home. Maybe hearing that you're officially still with MM will be enough to make him want to leave and file for divorce. Yet you know, you can still file, you don't need your husband's permission to do that.

[confusedbutterfly]

Nothing is stopping you from moving out or telling him to move out. You don't love him, don't respect him and you've chosen to go ahead with the A regardless of the pain that it's caused everybody. 2 Ddays on your side, one on MM's side.

 

But, since it seems there's no divorce in sight, then your other option is, TELL your husband that you are still with MM and have no plans on ending it. Tell him he is free to date whomever and have an open marriage. At least this way he isn't trying to reconnect and fix things with you when it's obvious you have no interest in fixing things at home. Maybe hearing that you're officially still with MM will be enough to make him want to leave and file for divorce. Yet you know, you can still file, you don't need your husband's permission to do that.

 

Thank you for your input. I love and care for my husband as he is the father of my children. I have admitted and he is aware that I checked out of the marriage a long time ago as he did as well. I do not expect anyone to understand nor accept this but my BH has accepted that we were both in the wrong with things that led up to my A and I have accepted that the actions of my A have caused a great deal of hurt and destruction but they were my actions and mine alone and I've owned that. As I mentioned, we are in limbo with moving forward as I am working through emotionally detaching which my BH is well aware of and is helping me thru. I am not officially still with the MM. We have not had any face to face to physical contact since his DDay. We've been speaking and even that I'm starting to take issue with. I don't need anyone's permission to do anything, right now we are figuring out what works best for us. Thanks.

[jenkins95]

butterfly

 

I'm sorry for your pain. You have got in quite an emotional mess there, just as I did.

 

During my affair, I didn't feel 'in love' with my wife either, but I think it's almost impossible to do so when you are living in a double life, surviving on lies and adrenaline, sneaking around all the time, doing exciting, sexy things with the illicit AP and normal, mundane things with the spouse. You say that neither you nor your H you are 'in love', with each other, but that you do love him. Does he love you on any level or is it just like room-mates? If he does love you, there is hope for your M, in my opinion.

 

After my A, I was so lucky that my wife wanted to work on my marriage. I committed to reconciliation and am now nearly 100 days into NC. My head was all over the place on day 1 - I really didn't know what I wanted, where I should be or whether I could ever have happiness again. I was racked with guilt, shame and confusion, but I did know that my marriage at least deserved a chance and so we both put everything into it. Three months later, I am in a much better place. Our recovery has only just started, but the path ahead is much brighter and I really know what I want now - a good fulfilling marriage with a woman that many years ago, I fell in love with at first site (were you ever in love with your H?). Those feelings of being in love are returning and I see the A for the bunch of cheating lies that it was. Like you I did develop feelings for my AP, but I now see it in the context of the 'bubble' it was - a fantasy detached from the real world.

 

My advice is to try with everything you have to work on your marriage. Go NC with the AP and let him sort his own mess out. separating from him should at least clarify your mind. If in the future, the marriage is not working out, you will be able to leave it having known that you tried and without an AP waiting in the wings. The damage, although still considerable, would be far less this way than if you ran straight into the arms of the AP. And the chances of those types of relationships working out in the long term are low anyway - we find evidence of that so often on here. Hopefully it won't come to that anyway - really put the effort in and you could yet recover your marriage.

 

I do feel for you and I don't judge you, because I was in a similar situation, and I know how easily you can slip into an A if you let your guard down. Do the right things now, try to listen to your head more than your heart - and come to us regularly. I've found this place such a support. We are here for you.

 

Look after yourself.

 

J

 

sandylee1 thank you so much for your reply. I do love my husband. I'm not in love with him and he is not in love with me. I've asked for him to let me go and he has been defiant. I am not intentionally trying to keep him on the hook for any reason and even for my children is still not a good enough reason. He won't let me go no matter how much I tell him he deserves better than me. I absolutely do know what I need to do. Unfortunately execution has become problematic.

Edited March 9, 2016 by jenkins95

[Babsinhealing]

I found this site by accident and I'm glad I did. My story isn't terribly unique as others here but I figured I'd share it anyway. I'm married and have been having an A for the last 4 years with someone I met online. At first it was purely sex based and we were both completely fine with that. He had been doing this type of thing for many years before me and I passed no judgement on him as I figured he had his reasons. I was completely emotionally detached from my BH for many many years due to many painful issues and decision in our early relationship. We had a really good set up, our schedules allowed us to have complete freedom to see each other and what used to be a once a week, 2 to 3 hour meet up, turned into more over the years. We started talking daily, even when we were both away with our families, we saw each other 3 to 4 sometimes 5 times a week. We would take days off together and go on little "dates/adventures" to movies, lunch, shopping, trips to places in and around our area. He told me he loved me about a year and a half into this and I was shocked because while I felt it, I was NEVER going to admit it. I didn't want to make this more than it was. Slowly, after the 2nd year, he started talking about a future (as most do) and what it would be like to get married and start our own family.

 

Truth be told, I hadn't put much thought into it. He always said he never wanted to change his situation. He used to speak negatively about his BW right from the start. More about annoyances really but it amped up more and more as the years went on. He would express his frustration and his anger and I would sit and listen. I never agreed nor disagreed with what he was saying as it was his life, not mine. I would occasionally vent about my life and my BH but I never villainized him. It wasn't my style to do that. He spoke about her with such disdain that one day I challenged him and said, if you dislike her so much, why don't you just leave? And it almost always was the same answer...the kids...his kids are his weakness. Which I understood.

 

Fast forward to a year ago (early 2015) and my dday. My BH found an email and it wasn't anything that should have raised suspicion but everything came spilling out. It was ugly. 2015 was a miserable year for us. My AP backed off a little but still wanted me and I wanted him. He wasn't enthusiastic about me reconciling with my BH. I didn't want my marriage but I tortured my BH for months while trying to calm the situation down. As the year dragged on, my AP decided he was going to move up the time table and tell his BW but he got cold feet after the kids started school. It did show me for the first time that he was all talk and the probability of him leaving is slim to none. At the end of 2015, he had an idea that his time was coming to tell her that he was in love with me and that he was leaving. I didn't want to know when as I was tired of being disappointed and tired of the empty promises. I had fun with him and I was okay with it. He kept filling my head with how he and I made each other happy and how we would be amazing together and how no one knew him like I did and understood him and loved him like I did. He seriously convinced me that this was happening and I was actually excited at the possibility. Because the truth is, I did/do love him and I felt safe and protected and loved with him.

 

Fast forward to 6.5 weeks ago. He initiated his own dday by taking his BW aside and telling her point blank that he had been having a 15 month affair (I don't know why he lied to her about the length of time), that he was in love and that he was leaving her for me. Well, as you can imagine all hell broke loose. He didn't anticipate her reaction and what followed was hours of her crying, him crying and her begging him to stay and work on the marriage and expressing her undying love for him. I didn't hear from him that night as he told me he would call. Instead, I heard from him while I was at work. His call was short and was basically a kiss off. No explanation except he had decided to give his marriage a chance and that his family deserved the chance to try and that he was sorry, blah blah blah. I was devastated.

 

What has followed since then has been a nightmare. I had no intentions of ever speaking to him, but the next morning I sent one final email to our joint email as he had deleted all of our communication, all of our pictures, everything. I was angry to say the least as they were my memories too. The email was a bit long...it expressed my utter heartbreak but also that I understood....he responded almost immediately. We haven't stopped talking since. Mostly I've been listening to his situation and how volatile things are at home. Some days are good, some are bad and some are horrendous. He has refused IC and MC and his BW hasn't pushed the issue. A part of him admitted that he's hopping that she'll call it quits, but given her reaction I doubt that. He doesn't want to lose the family unit for his kids, but he isn't willing to give me up. He goes back and forth on wanting to keep his family together and leaving. He wants her to get over the betrayal and she was the one who begged him to stay. I said that it's unfair for him to expect that....regardless of whether it's a week out of a year out. It will always be there....her marriage (their marriage) will forever be tainted by the infidelity. He admitted to me on several occasions that he's basically giving her enough rope to hang herself with. He knows she will NEVER meet his emotional, physical or mental needs. But I know that if he's caught, he'll probably throw me under the bus so I'm slowly detaching emotionally...some days are much better than others and while I know most will advise NC, I can't and won't. What I can't wrap my head around is the selfishness...the sense of entitlement to cake eat. He himself knows it's wrong. Yet here we are. He is acting like him staying is a magnanimous act. All he's doing is continuing to lie and taking her choices away....but I digress.

 

And then there's me. I'm in IC and so far, things are good. I admitted the whole sordid thing to my BH and he is being patient as I work thru these emotions to detach. He wants us to have a future and to put this behind us, but he admitted that even he is struggling most days. I have not admitted that I'm still speaking to him. I know I will have to at some point. Right now I'm taking this one day at a time. My BH and I have not recommitted to reconciling so we are sort of in limbo. Which brings me to my newest issue with my AP. He actually wants me to essentially put my life on hold while he sorts this situation out at home and makes a decision....so I'm supposed to stop my life from continuing while he figures this out...that could be in a week, it could be in 6 months, it could be 3 years....thanks but no thanks. Right now I'm taking care of me and my kids. If my BH and I decide that we are better off apart then I will move on and I'll be okay with that. I do love my AP but I won't let him fill my head with nonsense because he thinks I'll stick around with false hope. He knows I'm better and smarter than that....I know I'm better than that. I don't regret the A. I don't regret having met my AP or the time we shared as we have had some really good times. It was very real to me. He does tell me that he meant every word and that everything we said/did meant the world to him. I don't know what the future will bring. Every day is a new day.

 

Anyway, thank you for letting me share my story.

Hi Confusedbutterly-

 

I'm sorry you are going thru this. This in-limbo state is brutal. I know because I found myself there for weeks after d-day, which wasn't too long ago. Every day from the time I woke up until I closed my eyes I was consumed with him-wondering, waiting, the unknown, memories to the point I felt I was going crazy. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I am also married and had to deal with all these crazy feelings alone. But I can tell you this- and I'm really early in my healing journey, but one day I woke up and I knew I deserved better and I deserved happiness again- and I was so far from being happy. So I ended it. Hardest thing ever but I couldn't do it anymore. I need to take care of myself- I'm going to have to live in my body for the next "x" years and I had no reassurance from him that we had a future (despite 19 months of pure heaven) so I need to do this for ME. No one else was going to take care of my emotional well-being but myself.

 

So, only you can make the right decisions for your life but don't forget the most important thing in YOUR life is YOU so don't forget that when you are faced with tough decisions. My healing is brutal right now but I wake up now and tell myself- this a new day- enjoy it and embrace all the happy moments you can. I'm hopeful one day I can look back and say "now I see why". Take care!

[Doublegold]

Women really are the stronger sex. Thank you for posting your story butterfly.

[jenkins95]

Babs - well done for being strong. How are things with your H? I guess your story is to be found elsewhere on these boards?

 

Now that you have cut off the toxicity, things will get better gradually.

 

Good luck, keep posting.

 

 

Hi Confusedbutterly-

 

I'm sorry you are going thru this. This in-limbo state is brutal. I know because I found myself there for weeks after d-day, which wasn't too long ago. Every day from the time I woke up until I closed my eyes I was consumed with him-wondering, waiting, the unknown, memories to the point I felt I was going crazy. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I am also married and had to deal with all these crazy feelings alone. But I can tell you this- and I'm really early in my healing journey, but one day I woke up and I knew I deserved better and I deserved happiness again- and I was so far from being happy. So I ended it. Hardest thing ever but I couldn't do it anymore. I need to take care of myself- I'm going to have to live in my body for the next "x" years and I had no reassurance from him that we had a future (despite 19 months of pure heaven) so I need to do this for ME. No one else was going to take care of my emotional well-being but myself.

 

So, only you can make the right decisions for your life but don't forget the most important thing in YOUR life is YOU so don't forget that when you are faced with tough decisions. My healing is brutal right now but I wake up now and tell myself- this a new day- enjoy it and embrace all the happy moments you can. I'm hopeful one day I can look back and say "now I see why". Take care!

[sandylee1]

sandylee1 thank you so much for your reply. I do love my husband. I'm not in love with him and he is not in love with me. I've asked for him to let me go and he has been defiant. I am not intentionally trying to keep him on the hook for any reason and even for my children is still not a good enough reason. He won't let me go no matter how much I tell him he deserves better than me. I absolutely do know what I need to do. Unfortunately execution has become problematic.

 

You don't need his permission to get divorced.... I'm sure you know that though.

 

While you're having an affair it all seems fun and exciting... but once you get together..in the rare cases that happens... you find yourselves dealing with step children. ... The betrayed spouses.. The custody and two home business... talk less of the finances and other domestic things. It soon wipes the smile of one's face when reality sets in.

 

Take control of your life and don't wait for permission to divorce.

 

Is your husband helping you emotionally detach from him or your OM?

[Babsinhealing]

Babs - well done for being strong. How are things with your H? I guess your story is to be found elsewhere on these boards?

 

Now that you have cut off the toxicity, things will get better gradually.

 

Good luck, keep posting.

Hi Jenkins95-

 

Thanks- I can only hope that things get better because it can't get much worse. Yes, I'm new to the boards and posted for the first time yesterday (thread: tormented after the affair ends) feel free to take a look and see my nightmare unfold. I'm not at labeling my situation toxic yet because I'm so heavily in grief. I'm so overwhelmingly sad and I miss him (withdrawal) so I'm hoping one day I can look back and use that word "toxic". As part of my healing I decided to journal and get support from people going thru the same as me-along with seeing a therapist. I really want to overcome this and move on - it's a challenge everyday but many people have reassured me that it will get better and there is hope in finding happiness again. Thanks for the encouragement, I'm assuming you can relate?

[jenkins95]

You will be OK Babs, hang in there for now and ride out the early nightmare days...... then you can start to rebuild.

 

I've also been at rock bottom in my own particular story (MM in a year long A), but life is starting to make sense again. It will for you too.

 

I have to dash, but will re read your entire thread and post more tomorrow.

 

(((Babsinhealing)))

 

You will smile again...... Sooner than you think. And when you get your happiness back, just think how much you will appreciate it.

 

Keep posting, we are here for you.

 

 

Hi Jenkins95-

 

Thanks- I can only hope that things get better because it can't get much worse. Yes, I'm new to the boards and posted for the first time yesterday (thread: tormented after the affair ends) feel free to take a look and see my nightmare unfold. I'm not at labeling my situation toxic yet because I'm so heavily in grief. I'm so overwhelmingly sad and I miss him (withdrawal) so I'm hoping one day I can look back and use that word "toxic". As part of my healing I decided to journal and get support from people going thru the same as me-along with seeing a therapist. I really want to overcome this and move on - it's a challenge everyday but many people have reassured me that it will get better and there is hope in finding happiness again. Thanks for the encouragement, I'm assuming you can relate?

[confusedbutterfly]

Hi Confusedbutterly-

 

I'm sorry you are going thru this. This in-limbo state is brutal. I know because I found myself there for weeks after d-day, which wasn't too long ago. Every day from the time I woke up until I closed my eyes I was consumed with him-wondering, waiting, the unknown, memories to the point I felt I was going crazy. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I am also married and had to deal with all these crazy feelings alone. But I can tell you this- and I'm really early in my healing journey, but one day I woke up and I knew I deserved better and I deserved happiness again- and I was so far from being happy. So I ended it. Hardest thing ever but I couldn't do it anymore. I need to take care of myself- I'm going to have to live in my body for the next "x" years and I had no reassurance from him that we had a future (despite 19 months of pure heaven) so I need to do this for ME. No one else was going to take care of my emotional well-being but myself.

 

So, only you can make the right decisions for your life but don't forget the most important thing in YOUR life is YOU so don't forget that when you are faced with tough decisions. My healing is brutal right now but I wake up now and tell myself- this a new day- enjoy it and embrace all the happy moments you can. I'm hopeful one day I can look back and say "now I see why". Take care!

 

babsinhealing thank you so much for posting! I agree with you on being so far from being happy. I was happy during the A and when I thought things were really happening. Now I'm mourning a relationship and I'm not really sure what it is anymore. A part of me wants to end my marriage and be single and let my AP go. If it's meant to be, he will end his marriage on his and his BW's terms and find me. If not, at least I would be able to start my own healing process while giving my own BH the chance to start anew with someone he deserves. I am thankful each day I wake up and get to enjoy my children, see them smile and hear their laughter. With each day that goes by I'm stronger and am more focused. I don't care to know what my AP and his BW are going thru anymore. That's their business and frankly knowing about it would make me anxious. Because I wouldn't know if he would be telling me the truth or if it was more lies to keep me around. I know that letting him go is what I need for my own well being. I appreciate you sharing your experience with me Please take care of yourself.

[Babsinhealing]

babsinhealing thank you so much for posting! I agree with you on being so far from being happy. I was happy during the A and when I thought things were really happening. Now I'm mourning a relationship and I'm not really sure what it is anymore. A part of me wants to end my marriage and be single and let my AP go. If it's meant to be, he will end his marriage on his and his BW's terms and find me. If not, at least I would be able to start my own healing process while giving my own BH the chance to start anew with someone he deserves. I am thankful each day I wake up and get to enjoy my children, see them smile and hear their laughter. With each day that goes by I'm stronger and am more focused. I don't care to know what my AP and his BW are going thru anymore. That's their business and frankly knowing about it would make me anxious. Because I wouldn't know if he would be telling me the truth or if it was more lies to keep me around. I know that letting him go is what I need for my own well being. I appreciate you sharing your experience with me Please take care of yourself.

I'm faced with the same dilemma you are. Leave and start over or try to fix my mess of a marriage... All decisions I need to make but Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm taking one day at a time and trying to not focus too far into the future anymore. Everyday I'm doing something different, stronger, changing bad habits... It's a massive "project" but I have no other choice. I had a small set back yesterday mentally when I saw that his wife viewed my profile again on LinkedIn and I swear I saw her sitting outside my house on Monday. I tried to tell myself it wasn't her but after I saw the LinkedIn view, I am now more sure. I'm sure she's struggling with trying to move forward too ... We all have our challenges in this mess. All I know is I can't control anyone but myself (and that's no easy task!). I'm on the road to happiness- I'm determined.

[HappyAgain2014]

Here's my take on it.

 

1. You want a guarantee of your MM leaving his wife before you leave your husband. The issue isn't your husband's willingness to let you go but rather you keeping him for plan b.

 

2. I doubt your MM told his wife anything. I think he's managing you to ensure your expectations are lowered. He just wants an affair.

 

3. I feel sorry for all the kids in this scenario.

[13Hearts]

Men always think they've found "the one right person" for them. As if they're going to live forever in wedded bliss (because the sex is great), without having to do the work on themselves to keep you in love with them. They don't stop to wonder whether or not they are right for you.

 

Sounds to me like you were happy having an affair and after a while he decided he wanted to keep you forever. He forgot about the whole having a wife thing, and probably was stunned by her emotional reaction, since he probably figured she didn't care (since they always need so much of our undivided attention and she probably wasn't giving that to him, what with kids, house, work, and all).

 

Falling in love is easy. But sooner or later, you have to fall out of love with that person. The true test is whether or not you are committed enough to the person you married, or to marriage itself, that you stick it out and try to fall in love with them again.

[jenkins95]

Wise words 13Hearts. As a man myself, I think your description of men is pretty good. I can only speak for myself of course, but I also recognise a lot of my friends in this description. We tend to be less emotionally complex. And we can be almost child-like - if we are happy, we just enjoy it in the moment and don't consider so much the work that needs to go into relationships to maintain them.

 

If we end up in an A and it all blows up, we often just 'melt down' and try to find the easiest path because we can't handle the emotional mess we've created. We disappoint everyone and we show both our W and our OW what an immature, emotional mess we really are.

 

Men always think they've found "the one right person" for them. As if they're going to live forever in wedded bliss (because the sex is great), without having to do the work on themselves to keep you in love with them. They don't stop to wonder whether or not they are right for you.

 

Sounds to me like you were happy having an affair and after a while he decided he wanted to keep you forever. He forgot about the whole having a wife thing, and probably was stunned by her emotional reaction, since he probably figured she didn't care (since they always need so much of our undivided attention and she probably wasn't giving that to him, what with kids, house, work, and all).

 

Falling in love is easy. But sooner or later, you have to fall out of love with that person. The true test is whether or not you are committed enough to the person you married, or to marriage itself, that you stick it out and try to fall in love with them again.

[Popsicle]

I found this site by accident and I'm glad I did. My story isn't terribly unique as others here but I figured I'd share it anyway. I'm married and have been having an A for the last 4 years with someone I met online. At first it was purely sex based and we were both completely fine with that. He had been doing this type of thing for many years before me and I passed no judgement on him as I figured he had his reasons. I was completely emotionally detached from my BH for many many years due to many painful issues and decision in our early relationship. We had a really good set up, our schedules allowed us to have complete freedom to see each other and what used to be a once a week, 2 to 3 hour meet up, turned into more over the years. We started talking daily, even when we were both away with our families, we saw each other 3 to 4 sometimes 5 times a week. We would take days off together and go on little "dates/adventures" to movies, lunch, shopping, trips to places in and around our area. He told me he loved me about a year and a half into this and I was shocked because while I felt it, I was NEVER going to admit it. I didn't want to make this more than it was. Slowly, after the 2nd year, he started talking about a future (as most do) and what it would be like to get married and start our own family.

 

Truth be told, I hadn't put much thought into it. He always said he never wanted to change his situation. He used to speak negatively about his BW right from the start. More about annoyances really but it amped up more and more as the years went on. He would express his frustration and his anger and I would sit and listen. I never agreed nor disagreed with what he was saying as it was his life, not mine. I would occasionally vent about my life and my BH but I never villainized him. It wasn't my style to do that. He spoke about her with such disdain that one day I challenged him and said, if you dislike her so much, why don't you just leave? And it almost always was the same answer...the kids...his kids are his weakness. Which I understood.

 

Fast forward to a year ago (early 2015) and my dday. My BH found an email and it wasn't anything that should have raised suspicion but everything came spilling out. It was ugly. 2015 was a miserable year for us. My AP backed off a little but still wanted me and I wanted him. He wasn't enthusiastic about me reconciling with my BH. I didn't want my marriage but I tortured my BH for months while trying to calm the situation down. As the year dragged on, my AP decided he was going to move up the time table and tell his BW but he got cold feet after the kids started school. It did show me for the first time that he was all talk and the probability of him leaving is slim to none. At the end of 2015, he had an idea that his time was coming to tell her that he was in love with me and that he was leaving. I didn't want to know when as I was tired of being disappointed and tired of the empty promises. I had fun with him and I was okay with it. He kept filling my head with how he and I made each other happy and how we would be amazing together and how no one knew him like I did and understood him and loved him like I did. He seriously convinced me that this was happening and I was actually excited at the possibility. Because the truth is, I did/do love him and I felt safe and protected and loved with him.

 

Fast forward to 6.5 weeks ago. He initiated his own dday by taking his BW aside and telling her point blank that he had been having a 15 month affair (I don't know why he lied to her about the length of time), that he was in love and that he was leaving her for me. Well, as you can imagine all hell broke loose. He didn't anticipate her reaction and what followed was hours of her crying, him crying and her begging him to stay and work on the marriage and expressing her undying love for him. I didn't hear from him that night as he told me he would call. Instead, I heard from him while I was at work. His call was short and was basically a kiss off. No explanation except he had decided to give his marriage a chance and that his family deserved the chance to try and that he was sorry, blah blah blah. I was devastated.

 

What has followed since then has been a nightmare. I had no intentions of ever speaking to him, but the next morning I sent one final email to our joint email as he had deleted all of our communication, all of our pictures, everything. I was angry to say the least as they were my memories too. The email was a bit long...it expressed my utter heartbreak but also that I understood....he responded almost immediately. We haven't stopped talking since. Mostly I've been listening to his situation and how volatile things are at home. Some days are good, some are bad and some are horrendous. He has refused IC and MC and his BW hasn't pushed the issue. A part of him admitted that he's hopping that she'll call it quits, but given her reaction I doubt that. He doesn't want to lose the family unit for his kids, but he isn't willing to give me up. He goes back and forth on wanting to keep his family together and leaving. He wants her to get over the betrayal and she was the one who begged him to stay. I said that it's unfair for him to expect that....regardless of whether it's a week out of a year out. It will always be there....her marriage (their marriage) will forever be tainted by the infidelity. He admitted to me on several occasions that he's basically giving her enough rope to hang herself with. He knows she will NEVER meet his emotional, physical or mental needs. But I know that if he's caught, he'll probably throw me under the bus so I'm slowly detaching emotionally...some days are much better than others and while I know most will advise NC, I can't and won't. What I can't wrap my head around is the selfishness...the sense of entitlement to cake eat. He himself knows it's wrong. Yet here we are. He is acting like him staying is a magnanimous act. All he's doing is continuing to lie and taking her choices away....but I digress.

 

And then there's me. I'm in IC and so far, things are good. I admitted the whole sordid thing to my BH and he is being patient as I work thru these emotions to detach. He wants us to have a future and to put this behind us, but he admitted that even he is struggling most days. I have not admitted that I'm still speaking to him. I know I will have to at some point. Right now I'm taking this one day at a time. My BH and I have not recommitted to reconciling so we are sort of in limbo. Which brings me to my newest issue with my AP. He actually wants me to essentially put my life on hold while he sorts this situation out at home and makes a decision....so I'm supposed to stop my life from continuing while he figures this out...that could be in a week, it could be in 6 months, it could be 3 years....thanks but no thanks. Right now I'm taking care of me and my kids. If my BH and I decide that we are better off apart then I will move on and I'll be okay with that. I do love my AP but I won't let him fill my head with nonsense because he thinks I'll stick around with false hope. He knows I'm better and smarter than that....I know I'm better than that. I don't regret the A. I don't regret having met my AP or the time we shared as we have had some really good times. It was very real to me. He does tell me that he meant every word and that everything we said/did meant the world to him. I don't know what the future will bring. Every day is a new day.

 

Anyway, thank you for letting me share my story.

 

Sadly, this is a common story when it comes to A's.

 

I think in the end, your H will stay with you (yes, even after you tell him that you continued to talk to MM). And MM's wife will stay with him (yes, even if they have another D-day). And on top of that, neither you nor your MM will come any closer to leaving your respective spouses on your own. You will both remain married and it doesn't matter one bit whether it's happy or not. It just is.

[loveisanaction]

After reading hundreds and hundreds of posts about affairs, cheating and infidelity, i've come to understand that men are exceptionally good with words and they are skilled at using them on women.

 

Men get overly excited when they first meet a woman. He makes her feel likes she's the best thing since sliced bread.

 

For example the OP, she never had any intention of leaving her husband for her AP but he just kept going on and on about he wanted to leave his wife for her, how they should be together and how much he loved her and yada yada yada. Of course, being a woman she fell for it hook, line and sinker and suddenly began to herself with him. He changed her mind just by using words on her. It's a shame we can't get a man to change his mind by using words on him.

 

Men are in the moment type of people, they get so excited when they newly meet a woman and if the woman doesn't allow her feet to remain firmly on the ground, she will get swept off of her feet by all of the words that he is telling her.

 

One thing a man can't hide from though are his actions. Watch how a man behaves and he will tell you everything you need to know (married or unmarried).

Edited March 10, 2016 by loveisanaction

[confusedbutterfly]

I wanted to quickly thank everyone who has responded since my original post. I value everyone's insight but at the end of the day, no one truly knows the situation and what is truly happening.

 

I thought I was doing better but in truth, I'm not fairing very well these last few days. I tend to overthink, over analyze and put way too much stock into his texts, his calls, etc. We saw each other for lunch on Thursday (I had a job interview near where he works which was not expected. Luckily the job itself is located in a different location). I was excited to see him as I hadn't seen him in a while. But truth be told, I was a nervous, anxious mess. And to be truthful, it had nothing to do with him as much as it had to do with me. I went into the restaurant ready to end it. Ready to tell him that I was done. We sat down, I didn't eat a thing as I lost my appetite. He looked at me and knew something was up. I said that I thought the time had come for things to end. We were at a crossroads. I told him that at some point, it would become necessary for me to emotionally detach. With tears filling his eyes, he pushed away his lunch and said he thought he was going to be sick. I felt awful but these days I am more cautious towards his actions so I approach them without looking too much into them. He was genuine in his sadness and told me that he wouldn't picture his life without me in it. To which I replied, Yes but you only want me in your life on your terms. When you want, how you want.

 

So to say that lunch ending on a bad note would have been an understatement. We continued to text after my interview. I said that his reaction was confusing. Is he sad at the thought of me actually pulling away? Or is the sadness due to him losing control of me and the situation. He claims it's the thought of losing me...I'm not entirely convinced. Today I feel empowered...I feel a bit stronger after a less than stellar weekend. Hopefully this trend will continue but I have IC later today. So I guess we'll see. Just wanted to give everyone an update.

[Josmatjes]

I wanted to quickly thank everyone who has responded since my original post. I value everyone's insight but at the end of the day, no one truly knows the situation and what is truly happening.

 

I thought I was doing better but in truth, I'm not fairing very well these last few days. I tend to overthink, over analyze and put way too much stock into his texts, his calls, etc. We saw each other for lunch on Thursday (I had a job interview near where he works which was not expected. Luckily the job itself is located in a different location). I was excited to see him as I hadn't seen him in a while. But truth be told, I was a nervous, anxious mess. And to be truthful, it had nothing to do with him as much as it had to do with me. I went into the restaurant ready to end it. Ready to tell him that I was done. We sat down, I didn't eat a thing as I lost my appetite. He looked at me and knew something was up. I said that I thought the time had come for things to end. We were at a crossroads. I told him that at some point, it would become necessary for me to emotionally detach. With tears filling his eyes, he pushed away his lunch and said he thought he was going to be sick. I felt awful but these days I am more cautious towards his actions so I approach them without looking too much into them. He was genuine in his sadness and told me that he wouldn't picture his life without me in it. To which I replied, Yes but you only want me in your life on your terms. When you want, how you want.

 

So to say that lunch ending on a bad note would have been an understatement. We continued to text after my interview. I said that his reaction was confusing. Is he sad at the thought of me actually pulling away? Or is the sadness due to him losing control of me and the situation. He claims it's the thought of losing me...I'm not entirely convinced. Today I feel empowered...I feel a bit stronger after a less than stellar weekend. Hopefully this trend will continue but I have IC later today. So I guess we'll see. Just wanted to give everyone an update.

 

You did the right thing. It's easier when we break it off rather than them. Stick to your convictions and don't second guess yourself.... You'll be ok... It's really hard, but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger!!

[Adoraxx]

In the case of my xMM, I would say that he was 'sad' because he lost control. It's very confusing when they say they are sad so I understand what you're saying!! It's indeed all on their terms

[confusedbutterfly]

In the case of my xMM, I would say that he was 'sad' because he lost control. It's very confusing when they say they are sad so I understand what you're saying!! It's indeed all on their terms

 

It's weird because I genuinely think he is sad about losing me and not having me in his life. It doesn't weaken my resolve to reclaim my life, but it does weigh heavy on my heart.