Chronic depression, anxiety and OCD taking over my life again

[OJK]

Hey Guys,

This is going to be my first post over here. I had actually written this post 3 times and deleted it all the 3 times over the past week. I just didn't feel ready to share this yet but today I just thought that its best if I get it out now. I found out about loveshack.org, simply by searching for a place where I could express myself and connect with people. Honestly, I don't have anyone to talk to, no friends, not even family. I am mostly on my own but still living with my dad. I suffer from chronic depression, anxiety and also inherited OCD from my mother.

 

 

I could say a lot about how I got these disorders but maybe another time. All I can say here is that I have had a very rough childhood. I was physically and verbally abused my mother till I turned 16. I had no childhood friends because I was never allowed to go out and have fun with them nor connect with them. This changed when my mother was having an affair and what do I do ? I turn to drugs and alcohol. I didn't plan for all of this, but it happened, and this greatly affected my grades in school. I was failing and I honestly didn't even care. My health started to deteriorate with each passing day. I had become an emotionally torn person. I became deprived of my individuality. With each day getting worse than the last, my life turned into a living hell. I was ill, but I didn't tell no one, I didn't picture this as a child. I was living in Pakistan (my motherland) with my mother and older sister at that time and decided to get checked up myself. It was there where I was diagnosed with all of these disorders. I didn't get any treatment as I called my Dad the week later and asked him to take me back to Germany. My dad could never live with us because of his job. He is my idol, someone I really look up to. He didn't deserve all of this, he literally sacrifised all of his life just for us. Till this day I haven't told my dad about my mothers affair. It would tear him apart. This man threw away his life and happiness for us, just to see me and my sister get the education he never could. We are poor and I don't hide that, he just wanted what was best for us.

 

 

Given my illness, coming back to Germany was the best decision of my life. I was a failure back in Pak. Over here it took me time to get used to the situation. I could had opted to get treated but I never actually wanted to believe that I was ill. I was depressed, those late sleepless nights and mood swings were having an affect on me and my Health but I promised myself that I will first become educated and get a proper job. I didn't know what I wanted to study, but evetually I became interested and fascinated by medicine. I knew that I had to Work hard in order to accomplish this dream and then came the biggest choice to make, whether to become a doctor or a Medical engineer. I choose to become a pharmaceutal engineer, designing and developing drugs. I have a GPA of 3.4 and have recently graduated from my Masters in Pharmaceutical Biomedical Engineering. I recently finished my 2 year internship program at the local hospital where I was a biochemist in the Medical Biochemistry Department.

 

 

Things have worked out and without any medications, I actually took care of my depression. I do admit, it was hard, I kept on remembering things about the past, my fears and became emotionally depressed for days but I managed to reduce the symptoms. OCD helped me become fixated on studying and anxiety played a major role in getting me worried about doing well in my exams. But this is not the real reason why I am writing all of this.

 

 

Something that most of you have experienced before, an emotion, love or whatever you might call it. I met someone, one and a half year ago. And I can't even begin with how gorgeous this peron was. I met her in London while I was there for a conference with my supervisor. I actually couldn't attend the conference as I had forgotten my pass at the hotel and decided to roam around the city by myself. I met this girl at a cafe and for once I felt so confident in my life, I actually initiated contact with her. We spoke for an hour or so and I could sense the positive vibe and the way we were secretly staring in each others eyes. I was about to ask for her number and even email, but then she just had to say it. She was leaving London for Dubai, moving permanently. She said she was an oil painting artist and was offered a contract in Dubai.

 

 

I should had asked for her email at least and I regret it till this day. I haven't experienced things like these in life. And even after coming back to Germany, days and months had passed by and I just couldn't forget about her. My OCD was making sure that I stayed obsessed about her while my depression was slowly getting hold of me. A miracle happened, I had to continue attending my internship, and this actually made me focus a lot on my job. One day, I decided to watch a music video clip on youtube and my eyes caught glimpse of a certain car video. I was curious as anyone could be, I pressed on it. I love cars to be honest and within a minute I saw her again. The same girl, can you believe that... She had apparently become some sort of a youtuber. Its been 6 months now, I haven't contacted her yet but it seems like she is doing pretty well in life.

 

 

Based on her youtube videos, I can see she is pretty much very rich, successful, and has an amazing personality. I don't care about her Money, given the fact that I can't compete with her. But when I think about all of this, I actually have been in love with her ever since I spoke to her that late July night at the cafe. It's not easy for me to forgot about her. I actually didn't expect this at all, it sounds like a movie now. I don't even see myself anywhere close to her as she has become immensely famous, drives a fancy car, wears a diamond coated Rolex. And this saddens me a lot.I feel like I have committed murder and have been locked up in my room for life.

 

 

I actually need advice because at this moment I could either do two Things. Actually talk to her and see if she remembers me, or sign up for treatment. I always knew I could treat myself, If i stayed positive and I did for 10 straight years on my own. Never knew a feeling would change all of this. What do you guys think...

 

 

Please do feel free to ask me anything. I haven't gone in details about how I got all of these disorders and how brutal my childhood has been. There is soo much to tell, I just haven't found the right person to tell it too yet. I don't try to think about it a lot.

Edited June 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed video title. ~T

[hasaquestion]

You're clearly not some kid of lost cause. That you've gotten a masters in spite of all the crap that's gone down is commendable. You sound very intense and I think if you want to make some friends you might want to work on toning that down. Don't worry about finding the love of your life just focus on being more social. Got to crawl before you can walk. Best of luck man.

Edited June 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[hasaquestion]

As for the girl, please don't contact her. You've built her up to be something she isnt. She's not perfect, she's not this amazing one of a kind thing you missed out on. Trust me. She's just like you trying to get through life. If you ascribe grand narratives to relationships it's hard to just live in the moment. There is no grand love story here and that's totally and 100% ok.