How to stay emotionally detached in an affair?

[MatSweetMay]

I've been involved in an A for the past 10 months and even though it started as a PA, it slowly became an EA. I don't see myself with this guy in the long term (I am divorced, he has a long term-girlfriend) because of trust issues. The sex is great, the friendship is nice, the conversations and jokes, shared interests... all that is great, except for the fact that I want more in life than a guy who cheats on his gf repeatedly (no, I'm not the first one).

But I also know myself well enough to know that I`m lying to myself and that I have feelings for him. And I think I was good at keeping it all emotionless, I strongly believe he is the one who `hooked me up" on having feelings. He started getting jealous, asking all the time if I found a boyfriend, or if I had sex with anyone (if he happened to know I was going out, or spending time with friends). He started asking if I love him (he never said it back, not directly anyway), and I said no every time; telling me that I am his woman too (he left me speechless...), asking in the most intimate moments to make eye contact, forbidding me to make a connection and start dating one of his friends (there was an occasion where we were at the same party, and some of his friends were flirting with me)...

Somethings I don't even remember, but I feel like as soon as I get some emotional distance from him, there he is, doing something to pull me back in.

 

 

This is my first (and I hope the last) time involved in something so bad and hurtful to another person (his gf, but so far she doesn't know and I hope it stays that way), I feel like I need to protect my feelings too.

How can I stay emotionally detached? how can I keep this A with no feelings involved? I know I have to end it asap, I just don't feel strong enough to give it up, it's my crutch that helps in a strange way get over another bad part of my life (that I'm not going to get into).

[jen1447]

Setting aside any judgment about the cheating itself, you can't keep feelings out of it bc they're already in and that's not sth you undo. You can tell yourself all you want that you don't have feelings but it'll be a lie.

 

This relationship doesn't sound healthy at all - he sounds controlling and manipulative and you sound vulnerable and self-centered, and both of those are toxic combinations - so I really think the best thing is to just get out of it immediately.

[privategal]

No one can really help or advise you if you are going into your question stating you aren't strong enough to give it up.

No judgement however please read back...

-you know its wrong

-you know you are hurting another and yourself

-you know you don't want him longterm

-you know he is manipulating and controlling your freedom even though he isn't free

I'm not sure what more you need to figure out.

If you think you are "helping" yourself by using him as a crutch to cover up this pain...gently I'd suggest you haven't seen pain like the pain you have coming when this all comes crashing down.

And it will. You can bet your life on a messy, ugly ending and months and months of damaged self esteem, potentially new depression and anxiety.

You will look back and hate yourself for allowing this.

I'd suggest the strength you've convinced yourself you don't have...you should find it QUICKLY.

Stop making excuses, your settling for a very very bad deal with this guy and your excuses are really weak when you read back what you wrote about this man.

He's a loser...are you really willing to be on his level?

Not the first...oh let me stop here, I've said enough. Ugh.

[ribeto]

How can I stay emotionally detached? how can I keep this A with no feelings involved? I know I have to end it asap, I just don't feel strong enough to give it up, it's my crutch that helps in a strange way get over another bad part of my life (that I'm not going to get into).

 

You can't, it's impossible. We're people, not robots.

 

Just like you can't help yourself from getting involved with a guy who is already in a "committed relationship", just like his girlfriend can't help that she'll be devastated if she finds out, just like this guy can't stop himself from deceiving and lying to his girlfriend who he probably says "I love you" to, you can't stop your feelings from growing for this dishonest, deceptive man who is cheating on his girlfriend.

[RRM321]

I agree, he simply sounds controlling and manipulative, and you seem to prefer the deniability of an affair to the responsibility of a real relationship.

 

IMO You're feelings are about the convenience, not the man.

 

I wonder if his girlfriend is really clueless about him? Perhaps she thinks he's cheating on you?

[Babsinhealing]

MaySweetMay- it's almost impossible to not get emotionally attached unless you are are sociopath. When my AP and I started it was to fill a void in both our marriages - at the beginning it worked but before you knew it we spent more time together (over 19 months), started sharing our lives, dopamine and oxytocin is flowing and BAM- we are now emotionally bonded. They compare it to a drug similar to an addict and trust me, when that drug (like coccaine) stops- it's going to hurt and you are going to crave. Sometimes chemistry wins no matter how hard you try to stop the mind/heart.

 

I agree with Jenn, he sounds a bit over the top and scary. We all like a little bad boy from time to time but I'm thinking he could become quite the handful. Get out now before the attachment gets too much. Trust me- I'm a mess since D-day and I don't wish this on anyone. Take care!

[privategal]

One of the male posters on this forum who was a cheater said he looked down on the ow, he was glad she wasnt his and he only used her for sex. He said women just cant seperate love and sex.

Im paraphrasing what he said but hes commented alot on several threads about how annoying it is that his xow caught feelings. How she couldnt let go etc etc.

Its a horrific experience to be an ow.

It leaves you so dejected and you lose who you are.

Your already asking the questions...meaning you already know you are in the danger zone.

The red lights are flashing...your ignoring the warnings you feel deep inside.

You know the answers, we cant tell you them...the answers are right there..in your mind and heart you know this is a very very bad situation.

You still have a chance to choose the right road. Choose you.

[MatSweetMay]

I hate myself every time I am weak and accept a "date" with him, I hate that he makes me agree to see him... being in an affair is like a drug (even though I don't do drugs, I assume it's similar to an addiction). After every "date" I tell myself "no more, this was the last time", and soon after I find myself wanting more. I rarely seek him out, some times I am strong enough to ignore his messages, pretend I was asleep (I can't say I was busy, he'll want to know what I was doing and with who).

 

 

I see all the issues in this "relationship", but the worst part is I accept them and I need to stop that. I just don't know how. I'm trying to avoid the pain it will come afte, so I'm doing the slow death thing.

 

 

I am in need of attention (he's the wrong kind of attention), I need affection but can't handle a relationship right now (tried that for 2 months and I really wasn't ready after my divorce). Even him being jealous makes me feel wanted and cared for, in a really twisted way. This is all messed up and I'm dragging it by not making a decision to end this.

 

 

What scared me most (and made me decide to ask someone else's oppinion) was what he told me last time: "I can do whatever I want with you/I can make you agree to anything I want"... and even though I am an independent, free woman, there is half truth there too.

[ribeto]

he told me last time: "I can do whatever I want with you/I can make you agree to anything I want"... and even though I am an independent, free woman, there is half truth there too.

 

He sounds rather controlling.

[MatSweetMay]

Thank you all for your helpful advice and sharing how the A affected you. I try not to show any attachment, try not to be available every time, I try not to be a burden (but he's becoming one in my life). I don't want him to hate me, but sometimes I think it would be better than this hot-cold game between us. I try not to pay attention to all the things he sais, all the nonsense he whispers in my ear. I know this A is an addiction for both of us and I don't know how to get the courage to stop it.

 

 

 

 

I don't think NC will work because we see each other almost every day, sometimes for longer periods of time (we don't work together, but we're in close proximity in other ways).

 

 

How do I just get up and decide to stop seeing him? And how do I stick to it? Because I tell myself I have to almost daily. :-(

[ChickiePops]

This guy openly says he has complete control over you? That is insanely creepy!!

 

Are you in therapy?

[Methodical]

He can't MAKE you see him. You go willingly. Why are you allowing this man to manipulate you? A "friend" wouldn't treat you like a doormat and toy with your emotions.

 

You need a reality check. You are allowing him to treat you this way. Doing the slow fade isn't going to cut it bc you allow him to yank your cords to his satisfaction. Learn to say "NO!" And don't cave. For the matter, stop entertaining his inquisition concerning your whereabouts and with whom you've been with. It's none of his business! You need to buck up. He is playing his gf and you.

[ribeto]

How do I just get up and decide to stop seeing him? And how do I stick to it? Because I tell myself I have to almost daily. :-(

 

Contact his girlfriend and tell her about the affair.

 

That will help considerably.

[Babsinhealing]

MaySweetMay- don't forget that you have power too! You say you tell yourself that daily but you can't stick to it... Only YOU can actually end this. We can give you advice or opinions but somewhere you forgot that YOU are in control of your life- you have a say who is in it- you have a say who you allow to hurt you. We all have to make tough decisions in our lives and yes, it hurts (I'm in so much emotional pain right now after ending my A that my toes even hurt) but isn't your happiness more important?

[MatSweetMay]

ChickiePops he was reffering to the sexual aspect of our relationship (or at least that's what I hope). No I'm not in therapy, but I have a good support system (2 very close friends who have helped me out very much).

 

 

And in a sense what he stated is what he would want to happen, to be in control of me. It drives him crazy when he knows I'm free to do what I want, have a casual friend, go out, date... in a way he considers me his "other gf". He wants me to be faithful, but I never addressed the unfairness of this from his side. He's a hypocrite, but I guess it is to be expected from a guy who lies and cheats.

[ribeto]

Cin a way he considers me his "other gf".

 

Well, you are. His main girlfriend, you know, the one he doesn't hide, the one who all his friends and relatives know about, the one he takes vacations with, is his "primary". You are his secondary. There's a good chance you are one of several secondaries.

 

He's a hypocrite, but I guess it is to be expected from a guy who lies and cheats.

 

Hypocrasy is the least of his negative attributes.

[privategal]

ChickiePops he was reffering to the sexual aspect of our relationship (or at least that's what I hope). No I'm not in therapy, but I have a good support system (2 very close friends who have helped me out very much).

 

 

And in a sense what he stated is what he would want to happen, to be in control of me. It drives him crazy when he knows I'm free to do what I want, have a casual friend, go out, date... in a way he considers me his "other gf". He wants me to be faithful, but I never addressed the unfairness of this from his side. He's a hypocrite, but I guess it is to be expected from a guy who lies and cheats.

 

And again...the way you describe him is horrific. You have a hard time ending it, but TRUST me, when hes finished he will not have a hard time dropping you AT ALL.

A slow death? Wouldnt anyone want a quick death? Do you prefer to sufffer slowly or like a bandaid?

Its national womans day.

Make a strong empowered choice to take control.

Just tell him...flat out.

"this isnt working any longer I would like to end it and focus on my life. This will be my last message, I've given alot of thought my decision is made and final, I need to move on, please do not contact me"

[privategal]

Well, you are. His main girlfriend, you know, the one he doesn't hide, the one who all his friends and relatives know about, the one he takes vacations with, is his "primary". You are his secondary. There's a good chance you are one of several secondaries.

 

 

 

Hypocrasy is the least of his negative attributes.

 

Consider std's too please

[Summer3]

 

1.I am in need of attention.

 

2. He told me last time: "I can do whatever I want with you/I can make you agree to anything I want"... and even though I am an independent, free woman, there is half truth there too.

 

1. You're feeling needy and vulnerable.

 

2. He is using it against you and abusing you.

 

You are in an abusive relationship. He is getting all his needs met. You are being used.

 

Please watch every video you can on Narcissistic Men & Relationships. And please begin to work on Self-esteem issues, Self-validation and self-compassion.

 

The sooner you start to get out and heal the better chance you have of being happy.

[Summer3]

And in a sense what he stated is what he would want to happen, to be in control of me. It drives him crazy when he knows I'm free to do what I want, have a casual friend, go out, date... in a way he considers me his "other gf". He wants me to be faithful, but I never addressed the unfairness of this from his side. He's a hypocrite, but I guess it is to be expected from a guy who lies and cheats.

 

...OK.

 

Please get out ASAP.

[RRM321]

I am in need of attention (he's the wrong kind of attention), I need affection but can't handle a relationship right now (tried that for 2 months and I really wasn't ready after my divorce). Even him being jealous makes me feel wanted and cared for, in a really twisted way. This is all messed up and I'm dragging it by not making a decision to end this.

 

What you have is a relationship with a built in escape hatch. You don;t end it because knowing it's an affair provides the constant security of a big red EJECT button.

 

You can find the attention you need in a healthy relationship. It will require a lot of honesty and open communication about the balance of intimacy and space.

[sandylee1]

Why don't you just start dating other men casually to keep yourself off this lunatic.

 

It sounds like you're scared of him. ..Hence you can't stand up for yourself.

 

He's a jealous, controlling no good human being and you should be aware you may not be his only other woman.

 

This won't end well for you at all. He has ALL THE POWER.... because you've given it to him.

What makes you lack self esteem like this?

Why Can't YOU date a single guy OR get a FWB arrangement if you don't want a relationship.

 

Don't stay at home and get out with your friends.

 

This man would really scare me to bits. It's like he's your master.

[13Hearts]

If you want to detach from him emotionally, you're going to have to stop having sex with him. Google sex and neurotransmitters to learn why. Oxytocin in particular.

[Cappycorny]

Ha! I almost have to laugh because I don't think unless your the Tin man from the beginning of the movie the wizard of oz.. Your heart not will get involved. Look at the tin man he ended up with a heart see what im saying? And first of all no one can hook you. You feel what you feel. I get your question though. I though I could not have feelings Witt just a FWB as the Ow.. Boy was I wrong.

[SammySammy]

If it's possible to have casual sex with single partners without emotional attachment, then it's possible to be involved in an affair with no emotional attachment.

 

I think there's little to no emotional attachment in many affairs. The MM or MW might just being in it for the kicks. Sometimes the OM or OW might just be in it for the sex.

 

Sure, there may be some lying, manipulating and pretending to have emotions going on, but that doesn't mean the naive participant is not being played. Being used and the other party never really cared about you at all beyond getting what they wanted.