Dating a rape victim

[AMJ]

 

If you don't agree with my opinion, I respect that.... and would also appreciate if you would respect mine.

 

Thank you.

 

Well, respectfully, Katiegirl, I'll ask that you re-read my posts. I am sorry you were raped. You are not, however, the only rape survivor who is allowed to have an opinion on what is or isn't a "typical" or "common" response to being raped. Please re-read my posts on this thread, and if it's what the OP would like to hear, I'll share in greater detail how being raped affected my personal relationships for the ten or so years after it happened to me.

 

I've never told a man I dated about it. So I understand and agree that it's a difficult thing to share. I will not, ever, judge a woman who decides to talk about it to her boyfriend, to a guy she dates, or whatever, because that is her decision.

 

I take offense to "blame the victim" messaging and mentality. And it is rampant throughout this thread. I can elaborate on why blaming the victim is something that really, deeply hurts me, but I really don't think that's the point of this thread.

 

Nothing I wrote was directed at you personally, I was responding to the many posts that all suggested the OP was nuts for trying to date a girl who's been so damaged, and that she'll be no good for him. Someone went so far as to describe this girl as a complete lunatic, and is probably lying about being raped in the first place. We all know absolutely nothing about this person, yet here we are, condemning her.

 

At least Jen asked some questions that will clarify so much about their situation, before making all of these ludicrous accusations, as others have done. It's just sad, that we have made so many judgements about this person without knowing anything important about her. How old is she? Where is she from? How long did she date her ex boyfriend? How many times was she raped? Did she go to the police? Is she in therapy? Was she abused as a child? We don't know.

[MidwestUSA]

Some of the women here are showing a real lack of basic understanding concerning men and relationships.

 

Op is not being a Samaritan. His 'kindness' is an investment, that he will expect a return on.

 

Do you really think the OP would be okay with it, if he stood by her for 6 months of therapy, then she got into a relationship with someone else? Of course he wouldn't.

 

True kindness doesn't expect reciprocation. Another poster mentioned his Freudian slips, such as 'I need her to heal'. It's damn creepy.

 

That was me. It just jumped off the page at me.

 

Combined with the fact that she laid it all out about her ex, on a FIRST date (therefore to a stranger), it smacks of codependency in the making, if he stays.

 

Who talks about an ex on the first date? Even if he/she was the perfect mate and died in a horrific accident. Wouldn't you want to build up a bit of trust first, and gauge how that person would react?

 

That's what investment is about - building trust, establishing boundaries, showing acceptance.

 

Set aside the fact that rape was involved, it could be anything else. It's too much, too soon.

 

And yes, she could very well 'use' him, as a friend, to 'heal', then decide he 'knows too much' to take things beyond a platonic level with him. That's what therapists and counsellors are for.

[preraph]

Men who think like this, like there aren't really rape victims, are men who basically just believe women shouldn't have the right to refuse sex. And they have zero understanding that rape isn't even so much about sex as it is about violence and control. I've got no use for anyone with that mindset.

[Imajerk17]

I understand this is an emotionally-loaded topic for a lot of people, but I got that the original question for this thread was this:

 

"Is this woman in a place to be a good partner for me right now?"

 

That's the question the guys were answering. The question was NOT "Does a rape victim deserve to loved" or "Are rape victims good people" and it's definitely not "are rape victims to blame for what happened to them". I think many women incorrectly took the guys' answers that she is not ready for a relationship, as an indictment of a rape victim's character*.

 

We don't know all the details of what happened, but given what little we DO know, I find it extremely hard to imagine the answer to whether she is ready to date is anything but a Hell No. All of you who were horrified by many of the responses here, what would have been the acceptable way to have put this on here? Do you actually feel that the woman in the OP's story *is* ready to date?

 

Whenever we decide to date someone, it's fine, healthy actually, to insist upon picking a partner who is *currently* healthy enough to meet our needs, as we can do likewise for them. I agree 100 percent w oldshirt and Jabron1--there is NO virtue for being a White Knight. Neither party is being done a favor by that.

 

This is NOT an indictment on this woman's character or saying she doesn't deserve love. You can feel strongly that the OP should not be dating her, or even say that it's looking like she is really looking for a friend to help her heal and is (subconsciously) using the OP, WITHOUT feeling in any way that "she is to blame for what happened" or "she's damaged goods forever" or whatever. Indeed, she may be the most beautiful person who may also make an awesome partner for someone, but after she heals first.

 

I think BOTH her AND the OP should get help actually--frankly the OP doesn't sound wonderful to me, he sounds codependent.

 

 

 

 

*I went back and reread Post #61, which took a lot of heat. I actually think oldshirt owes no apologies. It is ALWAYS best to have eyes wide open and be just a bit skeptical whenever you hear a really tough story from someone you don't really know, which is precisely what he was saying.

Edited March 13, 2016 by Imajerk17

[Smoothman]

 

If she is squared away and successful in general and is moving forward with her life and is surrounded by ambitious, success people who are solid contributing members of society in general. And if this rape was a one time thing for which she immediately dumped the BF and sought medical treatment and counseling and reported the event to authorities and it appeared to be a one time event for which she took positive steps to deal with it and appears to be adaptive and leading a productive and successful life now, then there is probably no reason to be any more concerned about her than any other new relationship.

 

 

But if she is showing the signs listed above and as time goes on there are more allegations of unreported and untreated rapes and molestions and she shows signs of general maladaption and generally being unable to pursue and achieve any kind of success in life in general - then you have a Stage 5 Crackpot on your hands and you need to get as far away as possible before you come home and find your bunny boiling in a pot of water (that is a reference to an '80s movie about a crazy lady for those too young to remember)

You have just separated rape victims..ALL rape victims, into two types...

 

Like it's that simple..

 

Like there's not grey lines, no blurred edges, no complex continuity of type of victim, type of rapist, individual character flaws and strengths...

 

She is a highly intelligent, highly successful woman with a large group of supporting people in her life...but some of those "run" bullet points do apply to her...

Sorry, this is too simplistic to be of any use.

[Smoothman]

Smoothman....I think the fact she told you this extremely personal information on the FIRST date is a huge red flag.....and one you should pay very very close attention to.

 

Women who *were* actually raped have difficulty speaking about it to their therapists for heaven's sake ....there is no way on God's green earth they are going to feel comfortable sharing this info with a stranger on a first date.

 

No way.

 

This woman has an agenda....which IMO is, playing the victim card to draw a *certain* type of man in... the *savior* type.

 

It has worked for her before ...she knows it will work again.

 

Also the fact she kept dating her so-called *[rapist]* after this alleged incident speaks volumes and is another huge Ted flag.

 

I used to work with true rape victims so I know what I am talking about.

 

I would suggest you move on, this woman is manipulating you big time....

 

JMO based on working with rape victims, tons of research, etc

 

SHe didn't tell me about the rape on the first date!

Try reading my post again...!

It was after about the 6th, after we had spent may 20 hours together!

[Smoothman]

And that it is very unusual for a rape victim (I prefer survivor) to open up with such detailed info to a man she doesn't know, let alone trust, on a FIRST DATE.

SHE DIDN'T TELL ME ON THE FIRST DATE!!

 

I'm sorry that wasn't worded clearly..

However, right from the first date she started talking about her ex boyfriend.

 

At first this was just the typical "he was so bad, selfish, controlling, misogynistic etc" but I could tell there as something else going on here.

 

After a while she opened up to me that in fact he had raped her...as time went on she told me more and more, she was really confiding in me.

The event happened 9 months ago, he assaulted her in the second week...

 

 

That paragraph gap represents a period of some dates, not later in the first meeting!

[Smoothman]

WOW

I mean, WOW.

 

Firstly...take a step back and lay of the vitriolic replies...

You have NO IDEA what my motives are...

A simple line like "I need her to heal" instead of "She needs to heal" cannot be taken to mean that my motives are purely selfish.

 

Secondly, she opened up to me SLOWLY over the period...

I never got a testimony from her, not a blow by blow account from start to finish.

 

I got bits and pieces here and there, that I put together.

It IS consistent...despite the haphazard nature of her disclosures, they gel into one cohesive event.

 

I have ZERO doubt this happened to her.

 

She has NEVER told me EXACTLY what happened IN the rape, only the events leading up to it.

 

I have never presed her for details...ever...never questioned or attempted to drill down to the next level...

 

This means I am not 100% sure what happened in full, the timing, anything.

 

However, we have continued to see each other, and gotten closer.

 

I have told her I am her friend now, and for as long as she needs.

 

I am not waiting for her to move into a relationship with me...I made that decision and posted it several pages back, looks like no one read it.

 

We will remain friends, if she decides to go with another man, I'll be happy for them.

 

However I don't think she will..

 

Because just last night we had another one of our epic phone calls.

She had gone to stay at her mother's, Friday night, she was off air for a while, but I just sent her my usual messages...she responded Saturday and we chatted a bit...but I was busy most of the day, and less communicative than usual.

 

So I rang her at 10:30pm, and she answered on the second ring very enthusiastically...

 

She was asking me what I was doing all day...

I told her my schedule...she pressed a few details...

I thin she was disappointed I hadn't texted her as much as usual

 

During this conversation I was talking about being her "good friend" and she asked me;

"What would you do if I fell in love with you...?"

"you've been so good to me, helping me, being understanding, it pulls at my heart"

 

I replied that I would be happy of course but that:

"I know it may take you some time"

She replied:

"I feel close to you, you're a good man..."

"I don't think it will take that long"

 

So, I'll just leave that here...I'm seeing her Monday..public holiday...

I'm sure we'll have lots to talk about...

[katiegrl]

SHE DIDN'T TELL ME ON THE FIRST DATE!!

 

I'm sorry that wasn't worded clearly..

 

 

That paragraph gap represents a period of some dates, not later in the first meeting!

 

OKAY!

 

You don't have to yell at me about it, twice, jeez.

 

You were the one who said first date and left out the gap of several dates in between..

 

Next time post most clearly...we're not mind readers.

 

That said, thank you for clarifying.... that does make a difference.

 

Good luck.

[oldshirt]

No one is hating on any victims. No one is saying victims/survivors don't deserve love, compassion, support, understanding, empathy etc etc. no one is saying survivors are bad people or should be avoided, austracized etc etc.

 

the question was asked about getting romantically involved with and emotionally invested with this particular person as was described.

 

I and a few others simply laid out some red flags to watch out for and to be wary of as certain behaviors and characteristics will carry with them greater chances of things going south than others.

 

No one was making any blanket condemnations of rape survivors at all.

 

Hate to break it to ya, but some people are simply high risk and have a higher chance of being problematic relationships. That is a true story whether it involves sexual assault or not. Some assault victims are perfectly squared away and have their €#^+ together and have no greater risk than anyone else.

 

Some people are basket cases and have never been assaulted.

 

And most importantly, even though assault victims do not deserve to be comdemned or austracized or rejected simply because they were assaulted, that doesn't mean that the next guy that comes along should be required to date them or become deeply involved and emotionally invested in them if they don't seem like a good match for them at the time.

 

No relationship is quarenteed and no one has blanket entitlement to one. No man is obligated to date and emotionally invest in any woman if the dots aren't connecting or the stars aren't lining up. And that is true whether either of them or are an assault victim or not.

[stillafool]

Who gives a crap? He's doing it. She wants love. She just doesn't want rape.

 

Yes but if she's suffering from rape trauma she doesn't need a man she needs the love of her family and professional counseling. He can't be her crutch or she will never find her strength. I am a rape victim also and it took a long time to get over it.

 

OP, did she stay with that boyfriend after the rape occurred?

Edited March 14, 2016 by stillafool

[Melrapuo]

One of my ex's was raped by her father at a very young age. All of her friends knew. I didn't.

 

It explained a lot as dating went on, but I didn't know anything about it until a year into the relationship. Be happy that this woman is being upfront about it now and not years into it.

 

Also, seriously, take time with it. If you feel you can't handle this type of situation, realize that it's not your fault. However, this would require a lot of patience and time. A LOT.

 

Baby steps with this one. If she seems like she's worth it, then continue on. You can use your hand in the mean time. Lol

[caringsister]

I'm going to take this advice

I am thinking it's too soon for her to start a relationship...

I can be her friend, we get along amazingly well, but I will put aside feelings of a romantic involvement with her...

 

I think that's the best course of action...

 

I need her to heal more...

 

Are you doing this for her or for you?

You say you can be her friend, but you have alterior motives.

She is not a project she is a person.

It is admirable to want to help someone from the kindnes of ones heart,

but you're anticipating a payoff down the road. That is where I see selfish intentions.

 

You want to get her better for you so you can have a relationship with her. Check your motives and be brutally honest with yourself. From what I've read your selfish motives are pretty transparent.

[Rejected Rosebud]

The person who is randomly the victim of sexual assault or the like, for the first time, in adulthood, is not likely to be as fragile as what you describe.

That's not true.

 

Women who *were* actually raped have difficulty speaking about it to their therapists for heaven's sake ....there is no way on God's green earth they are going to feel comfortable sharing this info with a stranger on a first date.

 

No way.

 

Women who *were* actually raped react to the experience in all kinds of different ways.

 

I'm kind of hung up on the fact that many people in this thread are casting aspersions on the veracity of this woman's claim to have been raped. There is no reason to do that. I think we can just take what the OP tells us at face value and try to advise him from there - that would be, this woman is actually a rape victim. How should ha proceed.

Edited March 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[caringsister]

I am more attracted to woman I feel need "saving"...

I have no idea why, but my past relationships sure have that theme in common.

And besides...what happens to woman in this situation?

If all men just go "oh God, too hard" and disappear on her...how does that work?

 

Someone needs to stand up for her...help her...

 

 

Sounds like you might have some codependency issues.

 

 

Codependents may,

1. Think and feel responsible for other people---for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.

2. Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.

3. Feel compelled --almost forced -- to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.

4. Feel angry when their help isn't effective.

5. Anticipate other people's needs

6. Wonder why others don't do the same for them.

7. Don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.

8. Not knowing what they want and need, or if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.

9. Try to please others instead of themselves.

10. Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others rather than injustices done to themselves.

11. Feel safest when giving.

12. Feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.

13. Feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them.

14. Find themselves attracted to needy people.

15. Find needy people attracted to them.

16. Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.

17. Abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.

18. Over commit themselves.

19. Feel harried and pressured.

20. Believe deep inside other people are somehow responsible for them.

21. Blame others for the spot the codependents are in.

22. Say other people make the codependents feel the way they do.

23. Believe other people are making them crazy.

24. Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.

25. Find other people become impatient or angry with them for all of the preceding characteristics.

[alphamale]

This is quite a serious post...can you be a little more respectful...

i was being respectful

[Smoothman]

Are you doing this for her or for you?

You say you can be her friend, but you have alterior motives.

She is not a project she is a person.

It is admirable to want to help someone from the kindnes of ones heart,

but you're anticipating a payoff down the road. That is where I see selfish intentions.

 

You want to get her better for you so you can have a relationship with her. Check your motives and be brutally honest with yourself. From what I've read your selfish motives are pretty transparent.

Hmm, so standing by someone as there friend, for the months and months needed for them to heal, all the while physical contact apart from a hug, and remaining loyal to her...is selfish?

 

If I was selfish I'd have put this into the "too hard" basket and gone off with another woman I was dating at the same time.

 

Another woman, who I might add, is beautiful, fun, sexy, and a great laugh.

 

And let's look at this another way, being there for her, even if I would like to be in a relationship with her in the future, even if this is my motive...how is a "relationship" a selfish thing?

 

Isn't that when two people care for each other, love each other, want to be together?

 

I am her "good friend"

 

Those were HER words she used last night.

 

I was delighted she told me that...not impatiently upset that I've been friend-zoned...

 

She's a wonderful person, if if we don't EVER have a relationship, I've gained a friend...that's more important to me...

[Smoothman]

Sounds like you might have some codependency issues.

 

 

Codependents may,

1. Think and feel responsible for other people---for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.

2. Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.

3. Feel compelled --almost forced -- to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.

4. Feel angry when their help isn't effective.

5. Anticipate other people's needs

6. Wonder why others don't do the same for them.

7. Don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.

8. Not knowing what they want and need, or if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.

9. Try to please others instead of themselves.

10. Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others rather than injustices done to themselves.

11. Feel safest when giving.

12. Feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.

13. Feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them.

14. Find themselves attracted to needy people.

15. Find needy people attracted to them.

16. Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.

17. Abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.

18. Over commit themselves.

19. Feel harried and pressured.

20. Believe deep inside other people are somehow responsible for them.

21. Blame others for the spot the codependents are in.

22. Say other people make the codependents feel the way they do.

23. Believe other people are making them crazy.

24. Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.

25. Find other people become impatient or angry with them for all of the preceding characteristics.

 

Half the bullet points are describing empathetic people...as if that's somehow bad.

 

The bolded line items I guess you think apply to me...and I disagree I'm COMPELLED to do anything...

 

And:

5. Anticipate other people's needs

This is a bad thing?

 

The final few items are certifiably inapplicable...

 

So that leaves a few along the lines of:

14. Find themselves attracted to needy people.

15. Find needy people attracted to them.

Where the term: "Needy" is undefined...is a lonely person "needy"

 

Sorry, but I think this list is a load of bollocks.

[AMJ]

Whenever we decide to date someone, it's fine, healthy actually, to insist upon picking a partner who is *currently* healthy enough to meet our needs, as we can do likewise for them.

This is NOT an indictment on this woman's character or saying she doesn't deserve love. You can feel strongly that the OP should not be dating her, or even say that it's looking like she is really looking for a friend to help her heal and is (subconsciously) using the OP, WITHOUT feeling in any way that "she is to blame for what happened" or "she's damaged goods forever" or whatever. Indeed, she may be the most beautiful person who may also make an awesome partner for someone, but after she heals first.

 

I think BOTH her AND the OP should get help actually--frankly the OP doesn't sound wonderful to me, he sounds codependent.

 

*I went back and reread Post #61, which took a lot of heat. I actually think oldshirt owes no apologies. It is ALWAYS best to have eyes wide open and be just a bit skeptical whenever you hear a really tough story from someone you don't really know, which is precisely what he was saying.

 

I did a quick tally of common responses here.

23 responses said- run away, it's not going to work, or it will be too much work

12 responses said- it's going to be really difficult, but she needs more time, support. It's no coincidence to me, that nearly all 12 of these replies were from women, and several of us were rape survivors. Likewise, nearly all of the 23 responses were from men.

6 responses actually went so far as to call this woman a liar. One in particular claimed that she might be a full-fledged lunatic. Oldshirt continues to refer to her as "a supposed rape victim". The language we use matters.

 

Oldshirt, why does this woman not even get enough respect from complete strangers who are in no way personally vested in this situation, to trust that she's telling the truth?

 

Who are we to judge whether or not he should TRY to date her? Whether or not they will work out as a couple? Let's give OP some credit, that he has a reasonable amount of common sense, that he already knows he's walking into a very difficult situation. That he's decided this girl is worth it, and he's looking for constructive advice.

 

 

 

No one is hating on any victims. No one is saying victims/survivors don't deserve love, compassion, support, understanding, empathy etc etc. no one is saying survivors are bad people or should be avoided, austracized etc etc.

 

the question was asked about getting romantically involved with and emotionally invested with this particular person as was described.

 

I and a few others simply laid out some red flags to watch out for and to be wary of as certain behaviors and characteristics will carry with them greater chances of things going south than others.

 

No one was making any blanket condemnations of rape survivors at all.

 

Hate to break it to ya, but some people are simply high risk and have a higher chance of being problematic relationships. That is a true story whether it involves sexual assault or not. Some assault victims are perfectly squared away and have their €#^+ together and have no greater risk than anyone else.

 

Some people are basket cases and have never been assaulted.

 

And most importantly, even though assault victims do not deserve to be comdemned or austracized or rejected simply because they were assaulted, that doesn't mean that the next guy that comes along should be required to date them or become deeply involved and emotionally invested in them if they don't seem like a good match for them at the time.

 

No relationship is quarenteed and no one has blanket entitlement to one. No man is obligated to date and emotionally invest in any woman if the dots aren't connecting or the stars aren't lining up. And that is true whether either of them or are an assault victim or not.

 

No one is saying that OP is "required" to date her. He wants to date her, his choice. He feels like she's a good match and is worth the trouble. I doubt he'd post this thread, deal with all of these negative responses, if he were just casually thinking about a relationship with her.

 

You say- "I'm not saying that assault victims don't deserve love" yet you immediately disqualify this woman simply because she was raped, and because she told the guy she's dating about it. You cannot deny that. You've been arguing quite strongly that she's too much trouble for him, and you literally know not a single thing about her, other than the fact that she was raped.

Edited March 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed supposed summation of posting members and unrelated thread not conducive of the topic. ~ V

[caringsister]

Hmm, so standing by someone as there friend, for the months and months needed for them to heal, all the while physical contact apart from a hug, and remaining loyal to her...is selfish?

 

If I was selfish I'd have put this into the "too hard" basket and gone off with another woman I was dating at the same time.

 

Another woman, who I might add, is beautiful, fun, sexy, and a great laugh.

 

And let's look at this another way, being there for her, even if I would like to be in a relationship with her in the future, even if this is my motive...how is a "relationship" a selfish thing?

 

Isn't that when two people care for each other, love each other, want to be together?

 

I am her "good friend"

 

Those were HER words she used last night.

 

I was delighted she told me that...not impatiently upset that I've been friend-zoned...

 

She's a wonderful person, if if we don't EVER have a relationship, I've gained a friend...that's more important to me...

 

 

Wishing her all the best.

[preraph]

Yes but if she's suffering from rape trauma she doesn't need a man she needs the love of her family and professional counseling. He can't be her crutch or she will never find her strength. I am a rape victim also and it took a long time to get over it.

 

OP, did she stay with that boyfriend after the rape occurred?

 

Not everybody is affected as badly. I've been date-raped. One of those situations where he blocked the door, etc. I did what I had to do to keep him from worse. I have been through different things in my life and taken most of them in stride, and I did that as well. I didn't blame myself or any of that. I was lucky I didn't get hurt. He also doped my drink another night but luckily someone else rescued me and got me into the car and home and stayed with me. Then there was a knock at the door (the rapist had been stalking me and knew where I lived and I'd seen him in the hall before but not suspected anything because he was in my expanded social circle). So after I was doped at the bar, I assume it was him who came banging and yelling to get in at my door, but I had that guy looking after me and we ignored it all and at the time, I didn't have any reason to think it was him. It took me a long time to put it all together, the stalking, the doping, etc.

 

I had a close circle and lots of men friends and otherwise back then. That guy (afterward) came in to where I worked and I told one of my male friends what he'd done and he followed him out into the parking lot and then came back in later and told me "You don't want to know." Never saw him again. I was okay with it. I led a very adventurous lifestyle at the time and was pretty street smart and knew I was taking risks. It was the '70s and the police wouldn't have done anything because that was back before the law went into effect you weren't allowed to use a rape victim's past against her in court.

 

Anyway, I'm just very much a survivor overall. It wasn't the worst thing I've been through. It was on him, not me. I dispensed with him. And I was already protective of other victims before it happened, so not too much really changed except I learned more about stalking and never to believe in coincidences or let a guy get ahold of your drink. I've been doped 3 times. Unfortunately for them, it took a lot to dope me back then.

 

I had already been victimized by then. A few years prior, my home had been broken into twice by a teenage kid I never saw who stole things and all my underwear, a gun and cut the phone cord. I can honestly say I was far more affected by that event because it was the first time I realized how vulnerable I was, how you can be doing everything right and still get victimized if someone singles you or your home out. So I suffered sleeplessness many years after that until a nice rock singer told me I should do what he does and sleep with all the lights on if necessary (in his castlelike house). I've been doing that ever since, plus got dogs but sleeping well was really a problem for me for many years. He also told me to get a gun. It's amazing how just talking to one person one time can be so beneficial sometimes. He really helped me with his kind advice that night. Told me not to be embarrassed and just put the lights all on.

Edited March 14, 2016 by preraph

[losangelena]

I did a quick tally of common responses here.

23 responses said- run away, it's not going to work, or it will be too much work

12 responses said- it's going to be really difficult, but she needs more time, support. It's no coincidence to me, that nearly all 12 of these replies were from women, and several of us were rape survivors. Likewise, nearly all of the 23 responses were from men.

6 responses actually went so far as to call this woman a liar. One in particular claimed that she might be a full-fledged lunatic. Oldshirt continues to refer to her as "a supposed rape victim". The language we use matters.

 

Oldshirt, why does this woman not even get enough respect from complete strangers who are in no way personally vested in this situation, to trust that she's telling the truth?

 

 

Who are we to judge whether or not he should TRY to date her? Whether or not they will work out as a couple? Let's give OP some credit, that he has a reasonable amount of common sense, that he already knows he's walking into a very difficult situation. That he's decided this girl is worth it, and he's looking for constructive advice.

 

 

 

 

 

No one is saying that OP is "required" to date her. He wants to date her, his choice. He feels like she's a good match and is worth the trouble. I doubt he'd post this thread, deal with all of these negative responses, if he were just casually thinking about a relationship with her.

 

You say- "I'm not saying that assault victims don't deserve love" yet you immediately disqualify this woman simply because she was raped, and because she told the guy she's dating about it. You cannot deny that. You've been arguing quite strongly that she's too much trouble for him, and you literally know not a single thing about her, other than the fact that she was raped.

 

Goddamn girl, PREACH!

Edited March 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for prior post ~ V

[todreaminblue]

I did a quick tally of common responses here.

23 responses said- run away, it's not going to work, or it will be too much work

12 responses said- it's going to be really difficult, but she needs more time, support. It's no coincidence to me, that nearly all 12 of these replies were from women, and several of us were rape survivors. Likewise, nearly all of the 23 responses were from men.

6 responses actually went so far as to call this woman a liar. One in particular claimed that she might be a full-fledged lunatic. Oldshirt continues to refer to her as "a supposed rape victim". The language we use matters.

 

Oldshirt, why does this woman not even get enough respect from complete strangers who are in no way personally vested in this situation, to trust that she's telling the truth?

 

Who are we to judge whether or not he should TRY to date her? Whether or not they will work out as a couple? Let's give OP some credit, that he has a reasonable amount of common sense, that he already knows he's walking into a very difficult situation. That he's decided this girl is worth it, and he's looking for constructive advice.

 

No one is saying that OP is "required" to date her. He wants to date her, his choice. He feels like she's a good match and is worth the trouble. I doubt he'd post this thread, deal with all of these negative responses, if he were just casually thinking about a relationship with her.

 

You say- "I'm not saying that assault victims don't deserve love" yet you immediately disqualify this woman simply because she was raped, and because she told the guy she's dating about it. You cannot deny that. You've been arguing quite strongly that she's too much trouble for him, and you literally know not a single thing about her, other than the fact that she was raped.

 

 

definition of constructive and insightful.....is in this post.....good luck op....deb.....

Edited March 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for prior post ~ V

[Robert]

After a review, it is this moderator's opinion that the topic can be re-opened; HOWEVER, steering this off topic and not respecting the OP's opening statement as well as berating the OP or other member's posts will result in an open season on 10 day moderation periods or full out bans. Let's get back to the original topic and out of pulling the past out of the woodwork to prove a point. Thank you! ~ V

Edited March 15, 2016 by Robert

[Smoothman]

Another update...

Still seeing her (of course)

I picked her up on the public holiday Monday, went to my place for a coffee and chat...

Her daughter asked her to pick her up, but her son had the car...I was to drop her off and then she and her daughter were to use public transport...3 buses...on a public holiday. It wasn't far, about 10 minutes bt car, but not easy on public transport.

 

I offered to drive them, and after some hesitation, she agreed..hesitated because it meant meeting her daughter...for the first time.

 

So I did that, and dropped them off.

 

In our long chat that night she again mentioned how she was growing closer to me, and reiterated her appreciation for my patience.

 

She's coming over Wednesday night, driving herself to see me.