Point of view from the OM/OW

[ConfusedMW]

I have been so confused with my current situation and feeling so guilty that I am driving myself insane. I am the MW having an emotional affair for 3 months with a single guy that I met online from a game. I am having a hard time understanding why this guy does not care that I'm married and wants to continue our affair.

 

 

In the beginning, it started with some harmless flirting that I thought nothing about, but soon after we exchanged social media info and started chatting. Eventually we exchanged phone numbers and started texting each other daily.

 

 

A little background about myself. I was with my husband for 8 years, just recently got married a few months ago before I met the OM. I work full time, I'm independent, and do not depend on my husband for finances, etc. We bought a house together about a year before we got married. We haven't gone on our honeymoon yet, and am planning to go in the summer for 3 weeks and eventually have kids shortly afterwards. I have a really good relationship with my husband and we have great sex.

 

 

I did not plan for this to happen at all. I never believed in cheating and I was always against it, but I have developed very strong feelings for this OM. We text each other every day and I miss him so much when we don't talk for a day. We tell each other that we love each other and I can truly feel that I care for him. We also had phone sex a couple of times. I forgot to mention that we live in different states, but he is planning to actually come see me in a couple of months.

 

 

Over the past couple of days, I have tried ending it with him as this guilt is eating me alive. However, he is unwilling to accept the truth and he states that he does not care that I'm married and that he is willing to break all the rules for me even though it is against his morals as well, because he loves me so much. I asked him why he is clinging onto me so badly when he is single and can find another girl that can give him 100% of herself. He tells me that he only wants me and that the only reason he will find another girl is if he cannot have me. I asked him how can he have me when I wasn't his to have since the beginning? He tells me he can't handle not being able to talk to me and not spend time with me, and if he can't be with me, he at least wants to have my friendship. He tells me I am everything he wants in a woman and why does he need someone else? And he says he has no interest in looking for another either and wants to stay loyal to me. I tried having no contact with him either, but I'm weak as well and always end up making up with him.

 

 

Since we're in the "honeymoon" phase of our relationship, I feel like it will be too hard to end it now as I've tried many times only to come running back. I feel like I need this to run its course until our feelings fade, but also fear that dragging this along may deepen our feelings. I told him before that we have no future together and he says he is fine with the potential of heartbreak because he knows the happiness he gets will be worth it.

 

 

I've also reflected on what is missing in my marriage, and have reflected on how to make the marriage better, etc, so I don't need a lecture there.

 

 

What do you guys think? I know we are both being selfish, and you guys may think it's stupid because it's online and we've never actually met in person, but these feelings are very real to me.

[purplesorrow]

In reality you're the only one that should care that you're married. He doesn't respect that fact simply because you don't. Your actions have let him know it's ok. You have to decide what you want. You are building a relationship with this person. It can only grow if you continue with the same actions. What happens when he comes to see you?

[EverySunset]

This is all over the phone, online... It's still a fantasy. In your mind, if can be anything you want. He is the embodiment of everything you want in a man... A fantasy man.

 

Real men frequently aren't compatible with who we really are - our "non-fantasy" selves. It takes months, YEARS to get to know people for who they really are. Before that, they are selling you the very best part of themselves, who they want to be. So far, all you know about him is what he has told you.

 

This is a dangerous fantasy that threatens the fabric of your entire (real) life. Your marriage. Your home. Your friends and family, even your job could suffer from indulging this. This is your chance to get out, realize what you want from life and your marriage, and strengthen it.

 

Or unravel it all to make it work with a mystery online man you met in a game.

[jenkins95]

Hi confused

 

So sorry that your head is all over the place with this. You are amongst friends here. Little hug for you: -

 

(((ConfusedMW)))

 

There are people here who have been where you are. We understand and we can help! You did a great thing coming to us. I had an affair as a MM and I so wish I'd come here after 3 months like you are doing. You have a chance to fix this now before a whole world of pain descends on everyone involved - as happened with me, and so many other posters on here. welcome to LS, we are here for you.

 

I have been so confused with my current situation and feeling so guilty that I am driving myself insane. I am the MW having an emotional affair for 3 months with a single guy that I met online from a game.

 

I know this is horrible for you, but this is good news to me as a reader - it has only been 3 months and you haven't physically met yet. There is so much potential damage that you "haven't" yet done.

 

Since we're in the "honeymoon" phase of our relationship, I feel like it will be too hard to end it now as I've tried many times only to come running back. I feel like I need this to run its course until our feelings fade, but also fear that dragging this along may deepen our feelings. I told him before that we have no future together and he says he is fine with the potential of heartbreak because he knows the happiness he gets will be worth it.

 

I know you don't want to here this ConfusedMW, but you HAVE to end it - NOW! This is in such a dangerous place you are in and you will very likely cause your marriage huge damage if you let this go on even another week. We see the "I want to let it run it's course" sentiments all over these boards, and it's exactly what I told myself. But that path almost always leads to pain. I was in almost exactly the same position as you after three months. Over a year later, my life and my marriage was a bomb site - feel free to read the story in the general forum "An anatomy of the end of an affair - MM perspective" started by me. It is not pretty reading, but let it serve as a warning - as do so many other stories here. It seems like your AP is very clingy and this is likely to only increase, and could get very messy if you continue now but you later want to end it to save your marriage. He will find it harder to let go the longer this continues. End it now while you still can easily - please!

 

I've also reflected on what is missing in my marriage, and have reflected on how to make the marriage better, etc, so I don't need a lecture there.

 

Great! You've done so much more than I had done at this stage! You know what to do, so go ahead and do it - with your H and without the OM anywhere on the scene. the longer you spend with the OM, the more skewed your feelings for your H and your marriage may become and you might end up re-writing history in your own mind. This can do long term damage to your marriage in terms of your own mental perception of it and overall satisfaction level. You may start to have doubts about your marriage - we see it here all the time. You may convince yourself that your H isn't the guy for you, when really it is just the limerence state that you are in with your OM that is projecting this. It's a very dangerous position to put yourself in.

 

Over the past couple of days, I have tried ending it with him as this guilt is eating me alive. However, he is unwilling to accept the truth and he states that he does not care that I'm married and that he is willing to break all the rules for me even though it is against his morals as well, because he loves me so much.

 

It will only get worse the longer it continues ConfusedMW. Take the time to talk to your OM, explain how seriously you take your marriage, and although you have developed feelings for him and think he's a great guy, that if you continued it would only bring heartache to everyone involved - including him. He is young and single, so free him and let him go. He may be in hell for a month or so, but he will get over it, learn from it, and will eventually have the chance to find a single partner. For your part, it's great that you are already thinking of what you need to do in your marriage, but you won't be able to concentrate on it while you have these feelings for another man, and while you are lying, sneaking around and cheating. It may not have occurred to you yet that you are lying, sneaking around and cheating - it sounds horrible, doesn't it? It didn't occur to me that early on - I was in complete denial - but you really are! Stop it now - please!

 

I know we are both being selfish, and you guys may think it's stupid because it's online and we've never actually met in person, but these feelings are very real to me.

 

I have absolutely no doubt of the strength of your feelings, that you have fallen in love and that you never went looking for it. You are a good person (this shows in how you are feeling so guilty and struggling and trying to end it), but you let your guard down and allowed yourself to connect to another man. I know that the apparent "safety" and anonymity of the Internet makes such an easy trap to fall into these days. If you stop this now, you will both probably suffer a month of hell - longing for each other, guilt, regret, confusion, sadness. anger.....but it will pass and no long term damage needs be done. Continue as you are and you are likely to unleash a world of pain, the depths of which you can't even imagine right now - when it hits the fan, it is almost always much worse than the very worst scenario we ever dared imagine, and if you don't stop it, something will hit the fan soon enough.

 

ConfusedMW, I am being firm with you because I know first hand what dangers lie ahead of you. I don't judge you at all, because I did what you are doing and like you, I didn't look for it, couldn't understand how I got there or what I should do. But unlike you, I didn't seek help until much, much later, when immense pain was already being suffered, and I was essentially in "damage limitation" mode. I commend you for seeking advice at this stage and not letting it all just all spiral out of control like I did. Massive kudos to you for that.

 

Come to us - there is so much experience and great advice here! Keep posting. I wish you and your H all the very best of luck. J

[getsmartie]

If you love your husband as you say and have respect for him you will end this. Give your head a shake it's insane that you're continuing your communication with OM.

[elaine567]

In reality you're the only one that should care that you're married. He doesn't respect that fact simply because you don't. Your actions have let him know it's ok. You have to decide what you want. You are building a relationship with this person. It can only grow if you continue with the same actions. What happens when he comes to see you?

 

Exactly, he could ruin your cosy little life in a second if he decides to come looking for you today.

He has nothing to lose here.

Be wary though, is he a man besotted, or a man who once the thrill of the chase has ended, (ie you sleep together IRL), will be finished with you?

 

What do you really know about this man?

Is he also married/attached? Does he make a habit out of schmoozing women online? How can you know?

To me you have little to gain and much to lose here.

[privategal]

Fantasy, the not having touched, the sexrecy, the thrill when the text or email arrives, the rush of the phone sex....

Here is the thing...its FANTASY.

Yes, its FANTASTIC many of us have been there. The feeling is pure bliss but...its not true love.

Not to suggest the love isnt real, it is, and can be deep and intoxicating, but its a chemical kind of love and it fades in time.

What fades it is the fantasy getting boring, reality setting in, guilt, dday, exhaustion from living 2 lives...it corrodes.

Then its hell.

It feels exactly like love but its not the same as deep, eternal rooted love.

Its that affair bubble fantasy love.

The reality is, this has to end now.

Your not trapped, you dont owe the ap anything but a goodbye.

He will be hurt but ok.

Trust me the pain is coming and the addiction takes a looonnnggg time to recover from.

You think you have control of it, but you do not.

On your honeymoon, connect with your husband and move on.

You are a wife now.

Three months is not too much time.

You can turn this ship around now.

[wmacbride]

From a purely pragmatic point of view, aren't you at least a little bit nervous about the idea of this man, whom you really don;t know, coming form several states away to see you at some point- as you say he has mentioned he wants to do?

 

What do you really know about him? how do you know he's single? How do you know if anything of his online persona is true?

 

When I read of a situation like yours, I;m put in mind of the warnings we give or kids about being careful whom you chat with/ agree to meet up with online, as you never really know for sure who you are communicating with.

 

Best to end the relationship now, while you are only 3 months in and cut off all contact with him. no more phone calls, texting, or chatting online. If you feel a need to send him an explanation as to why, then do so and after you hit "send", lock him in every way you can. If he is the decent man you say, he will respect your request to move on, and then you can begin to as well.

 

When you get right down to it, this boils down to 3 months of chatting with someone you have never met. End it, learn from it, and move on in your life.

[heartwhole]

Falling in love is fun. Fantasy is fun. But the truth is you cannot truly know someone without spending a lot of time, out in the open, with them.

 

You say that you have a great relationship with your husband and want to have kids soon. Before you have kids, you need to figure out why you would so quickly fall in love with a man you've never met when you should be in the honeymoon phase with your new husband.

 

I highly recommend the book Not Just Friends. Anyone can fall in love. We're all humans with hearts and souls. But in your marriage, you need to learn how to close off any avenues for becoming too close with other men. That's where you went wrong. You shouldn't have any relationships that you keep secret from your husband. If you had followed that rule, then you wouldn't have gotten to the part where you and OM were telling each other that you love each other and thinking about meeting.

 

This is a dangerous road you are on. The chances that a life with OM will actually be better than the life you have with your husband are very slim. The chances that you will screw up the good life that you have with your husband because of your feelings are very high. If you want to save your marriage, then be honest with your husband. Tell him that you've developed an inappropriate relationship online and you're sorry and committed to working on your marriage. Read the book together. You can still choose the high road.

[heartwhole]

I have some more thoughts. Full disclosure, I am a BW. Here's quick primer on what I've learned:

 

Affairs are about the cheater. They're about how the affair makes them feel. They're rarely about true love for the other person, and they're certainly not about love for the betrayed spouse. They're about the cheater wanting their jollies and not caring about the damage they're doing to both the spouse and the affair partner to get them. Just because OM says it's OK to treat him terribly because your love is worth it doesn't mean it's actually OK. If you are truly an upstanding person who's not doing this just for the emotional high, then you have two honorable choices: 1) end things with OM and focus on your marriage with honesty and a commitment to change or 2) leave your marriage and give OM a shot at a real relationship that could actually go somewhere.

 

My WH had all the fun of falling in love with the OW. He got to have sex with someone new. He got to have someone love him unconditionally and listen sympathetically to all his woes. She is an extreme athlete with a cute foreign accent. Their love was so special, right? On DD he said, "This is crazy. I don't even know her that well!" It still took a couple of weeks for him to shift gears emotionally. Then he was saying, "Wow! I can't believe I'm not thinking about her! I thought I would miss her more!" (Note the self-centeredness that would lead a cheater to say this to the woman he'd betrayed.) The point is that those feelings weren't real. When he had to make a choice (because I said, OK then, she gets you . . . I don't know if I can forgive you and you seem well-matched in selfishness), he didn't hesitate. Nope, he didn't want her. Now when he thinks about her, his pulse shoots up and he gets diarrhea. Again, TMI, man. I have to accept that while in the affair, my husband really thought it was true love. He did. It's a fact. But it wasn't because he didn't know what true love is. And neither did OW. If she thought that she could Skype someone she had met once a few times and possibly know him well enough to love him, then I'm sorry, but she was just as confused. And just because she said it was OK for him to give her whatever little crumbs he could didn't make it OK. I don't treat people that way and I'm horrified to discover that I'm married to someone who does.

 

You don't have to stay married to your husband. Obviously something is missing (though my guess is that it's inside of you, not in your marriage). But you do owe him your honesty and fidelity. If you can't give that to him, then you can leave. No one is forcing you to stay.

 

Even if OM thinks he wants a future with you, how can he possibly know that for sure? I know that OW really truly believed she wanted a future with my husband, and she knew that meant moving halfway across the world and becoming a step mom. But how could she actually know that for sure? Because their love was so pure and special? Well, now the thought of her gives him diarrhea. So imagine if she had actually given up her life for him, a man who was proving himself to be dishonorable and unable to deal with conflict right from the start.

[Liam1]

The reason you keep running back is because you DO NOT realize that affairs NEVER get out of the honeymoon phase.

 

Why?

 

You are not living in the real world with this person. You do not see the day to day reality of this person.

 

An affair is not even comparable to a dating relationship because it is entirely are partially hidden from the real world.

 

You seem to be close to what they call the 7 year itch. It's a normal feeling but we need to develop the intelligence to realize what it is.

 

If everything is good in your marriage relationship, then you are likely just a bit bored with the routine sex of a long term relationship. But there is so much more to a relationship than sex.

 

Your relationship with this guy will eventually become routine too.

 

Be careful that you are not risking what you have for someone who is so much less than your husband.

 

 

 

I have been so confused with my current situation and feeling so guilty that I am driving myself insane. I am the MW having an emotional affair for 3 months with a single guy that I met online from a game. I am having a hard time understanding why this guy does not care that I'm married and wants to continue our affair.

 

 

In the beginning, it started with some harmless flirting that I thought nothing about, but soon after we exchanged social media info and started chatting. Eventually we exchanged phone numbers and started texting each other daily.

 

 

A little background about myself. I was with my husband for 8 years, just recently got married a few months ago before I met the OM. I work full time, I'm independent, and do not depend on my husband for finances, etc. We bought a house together about a year before we got married. We haven't gone on our honeymoon yet, and am planning to go in the summer for 3 weeks and eventually have kids shortly afterwards. I have a really good relationship with my husband and we have great sex.

 

 

I did not plan for this to happen at all. I never believed in cheating and I was always against it, but I have developed very strong feelings for this OM. We text each other every day and I miss him so much when we don't talk for a day. We tell each other that we love each other and I can truly feel that I care for him. We also had phone sex a couple of times. I forgot to mention that we live in different states, but he is planning to actually come see me in a couple of months.

 

 

Over the past couple of days, I have tried ending it with him as this guilt is eating me alive. However, he is unwilling to accept the truth and he states that he does not care that I'm married and that he is willing to break all the rules for me even though it is against his morals as well, because he loves me so much. I asked him why he is clinging onto me so badly when he is single and can find another girl that can give him 100% of herself. He tells me that he only wants me and that the only reason he will find another girl is if he cannot have me. I asked him how can he have me when I wasn't his to have since the beginning? He tells me he can't handle not being able to talk to me and not spend time with me, and if he can't be with me, he at least wants to have my friendship. He tells me I am everything he wants in a woman and why does he need someone else? And he says he has no interest in looking for another either and wants to stay loyal to me. I tried having no contact with him either, but I'm weak as well and always end up making up with him.

 

 

Since we're in the "honeymoon" phase of our relationship, I feel like it will be too hard to end it now as I've tried many times only to come running back. I feel like I need this to run its course until our feelings fade, but also fear that dragging this along may deepen our feelings. I told him before that we have no future together and he says he is fine with the potential of heartbreak because he knows the happiness he gets will be worth it.

 

 

I've also reflected on what is missing in my marriage, and have reflected on how to make the marriage better, etc, so I don't need a lecture there.

 

 

What do you guys think? I know we are both being selfish, and you guys may think it's stupid because it's online and we've never actually met in person, but these feelings are very real to me.

Edited March 10, 2016 by Liam1

[whichwayisup]

I have been so confused with my current situation and feeling so guilty that I am driving myself insane. I am the MW having an emotional affair for 3 months with a single guy that I met online from a game. I am having a hard time understanding why this guy does not care that I'm married and wants to continue our affair.

Maybe this guy is thinking the same about you? Why is this woman having an A with me since she is married and has a husband at home.

 

He doesn't care that you're married, he is enjoying it for what it is, an A. He is getting something out of it, just like you're getting something out of it.

 

You let this happen, maybe you didn't go looking for it but you're certainly actively involved in it now. What about your husband and marriage? Isn't doing this just risking all that you have with him? What is going to happen when your H finds out? How do you think he'll react? Is what you're doing worth it?

 

Maybe something is broken inside of you, to need the attention of another man, someone whom you do not know at all, only online. Maybe your vows don't mean much to you and you're not ready to commit to one man.